Ramblings – Page 5 – The Hermits' Rest

Starting over, media version

What’s a book, movie, or TV show that you wish you could experience again for the first time?

I have two answers to this question, both of which have to do with my moral compass.

First, I’d love to experience the original Star Trek again, at the same age I was then (around 12) but with the ability to have my elder self able to point out the moments when things happen that went CLICK and turned me into a bleeding heart liberal. As cheesy as TOS (especially Kirk) was it opened my little working-class Southern girl heart to ideas I might not have encountered until much later. I’m afraid I would have been a lot more racist and intolerant without watching Star Trek at a pivotal adolescent moment.

Second, I would like to have not read The Handmaid’s Tale when I was in grad school but instead last year, when it seemed to be coming true. Or maybe not. I’m pretty sure I’d panic and feel sure it would come true next year. No. I actually wish more women in the US would read it now, especially those trad wives who think what they’re doing is so cute. The women in The Handmaid’s Tale lead lives that could happen soon the way women’s rights are deteriorating and could deteriorate more in the Texas Republican Party platform this year gets enacted — they want to outlaw IVF now. Sheesh.

Believe it or not I have another book review for tomorrow. An important book for me. I thought about it all day, which is why I just answered the prompt again today.

The highlight of the day was that I craved peaches and I ate three very ripe ones from Costco. Not worthy of its own blog, but so good. A ripe peach brought me joy!

Happiness is fleeting

What’s a common misconception people have about happiness?

I always feel sad when I hear people say their goal is to be happy. Or all they want is for their kids to be happy. All the time? We can’t always be happy.

These incessant hurlers do seem always happy.

I’d be exhausted if I was happy for days at a time. Happiness is a fleeting state of mind, for me. I want to have happiness, joy, and contentment in my life. Yet, all those feelings are sweeter and and more to be treasured when life has ups and downs to compare them to.

So I do not wish my children or anyone happiness all the time, just enough to savor and enjoy. My ideal would be to feel vaguely content most of the time, with sadness during appropriate times and happiness sprinkled throughout the day in little bursts.

The last bit of wildflower color. And many grapes. May have to cut those back.

I make sure to notice when I’m happy, since it comes more often these days. For example, I was happy just now when hugging Carlton.

I do wish that life could have less anxiety and stress. Everyone seems to have an imbalance of that, if they’re paying attention! This became abundantly clear yesterday, as so many friends expressed how good it felt to see the Obama Center opening. Independently, I kept hearing how people had forgotten what it felt like to be proud of a leader, and to hear former political rivals being civil with each other. The constant dread of these times lifted briefly.

Ephemeral. Most happiness is just that. Like catching two dragonflies on the wing.

Wish I was a spinner and a weaver

If you could instantly master any skill, what would it be and why?

You know what? The blog folks are asking different prompt questions now. That’s good, because my current work project is mind numbing and after two days of it, I’ve got a pretty good headache. I should finish by tomorrow, hopefully with my brain intact.

I did enjoy the first blossom on Lee’s canna lily.

So the best I can do for you today is answer the question of what skill I’d like to master instantly.

I’ve tried to learn to spin wool over and over. I know I CAN learn it, but I’ve never had the patience to keep trying with a drop spindle, and never had enough time with a spinning wheel to get a rhythm. I would truly love to just know how to do it and start enjoying spinning my own yarn minus the learning curve. Yeah, that’s cheating, I know.

Same with weaving. I can weave with a rigid heddle and know how to make tapestries. However, if I could instantly master a big ole loom and all those complex patterns…I’d be set for life. But that’s not happening. I should go make some placemats and not let Lee wash them in the machine (fate of my last woven placemats).

Good thing I do know how to knit and crochet well enough to make things I enjoy.

Speaking of crafts, today was the first day over 95° this year so I got to use wine in the temperature blanket today.

Always growing! Of course.

What is one way you have grown this year?

One of the best things about aging is that you realize you have learned so much from all those “learning experiences.” Also, you are humbled to realize that those opportunities do not suddenly end when you hit some magical age of discernment. I wish.

We’re beautiful despite our scars, like my sunflower and friend.

While I do have a pretty good idea of what my issues and triggers are (abandonment, low self esteem, sensitivity to criticism, etc.), I still have more to learn about dealing with my areas of vulnerability. Who doesn’t, right?

When my horse trainer dismissed me as a client in January, I admit I was blindsided. My fear of abandonment took me back to how I felt as a small child. I was heartbroken. I thought she was a lifelong friend, though I realized we had differences.

Now I have time and funds to make a pond! So far all I have are a clean trough and a solar fountain. Plants are coming.

How did I grow? Well, I was able to nip my inclination to blame myself in the bud. I was able to see she is in pain and afraid, and struck out at me as a convenient target. I can’t say I wasn’t sad or that I don’t regret that it happened. But I’m back to seeing good in life.

Everything has its season, flowers and friendships both.

A key insight for me was that I realized I felt a lot better now that I didn’t feel pressured to perform, to modify my speech, and make myself do things I didn’t want to do. You know what? I can enjoy my horses without asking them to do things they don’t enjoy, and I can take my time making progress. I don’t even have to ride. It’s okay!

And yep, that’s the growth for this year so far. I have broken free of feeling like I have to diminish myself so as not to “rock the boat” — and it’s happening at work and home, too. I notice things but don’t react unless it’s important, and then I’m more compassionate. yay!

I was kind to this guy today. He really wanted to hang out on the side of the door, so I propped it open for him.

No wonder I enjoy my work and don’t let pissy people bug me. No wonder I can relax at home and feel like it’s a choice to steer clear of some potentially contentious topics or ignore potentially irritating actions, not something I have to do to protect myself. Bonus: I realize others are letting my annoying features slide, too. It’s reciprocal!

I hope you can think of ways you’ve been growing this year. Have you seen growth in others? I sure have, and I’m so pleased. As long as I’m surrounded by people who are doing their best to be the kind of friend, family member, or community member they can be, I can hold on and make the best of each day.

My quirky guide to healthier relationships and boundaries.

Write your guide to setting healthy boundaries in relationships.

DO

Remind yourself that when someone bullies you, it’s because they feel weak.

Lower expectations from unreliable friends and family. Enjoy the good things and just accept them as they are. Griping won’t change anything.

Bear in mind you don’t have to comply with manipulation.

Listen with your heart and empathize without taking on others’ issues.

Love yourself, warts and all.

See the good in everyone but don’t make excuses for them.

Forgive those who hurt you, even if you must stay away for your safety.

Prioritize your needs; you’re as important as anyone else, so don’t always put others first.

Find the humor in situations.

Make room for silence. Meditate, pray, walk in nature. It improves your ability to bring your best self to relationships.

DON’T

Beg anyone to love you. It never works. That only took me 50 years to figure out.

Walk on eggshells to keep the peace/save a relationship/pacify a narcissist.

Believe the put-downs, insults, passive aggressive jabs, and guilt trips of wounded souls trying to make themselves feel better by belittling you.

Try to fix anyone. That’s their job.

Bear a grudge. It hurts you more than the other person.

Make negative assumptions based on appearance — talk to people.

Tease unkindly, pick on, or gossip about people who are vulnerable.

It felt good to blurt that all out. I’m sure you have your own ideas! Me throwing out unsolicited advice may well be unnecessary. Thanks for playing along.

More book reporting for tomorrow. Hopefully less flooding, as there was another four inches overnight.

I sure don’t like uncertainty

There’s so much uncertainty out in the greater society where I have absolutely no control over what happens. Because of this, I like to have a wee bit of assurance about what’s happening in my little sphere of influence.

Otherwise I’d be hiding on the porch with this beauty.

Do I realize that’s asking for a lot? Oh, yes I do! Many of my friends and neighbors don’t have the luxury of making choices, having a plan with a chance of working out, or having a say in their relationships. I’ve been there myself, which has much to do with why I treasure this phase of my life.

All I have to worry about is what color to do my nails.

Still, the past couple of days tested my ability to not freak out when unexpected events threaten my future planning. You see, I have been enjoying myself a bit these last few months. I have allowed myself to buy too many pens and stickers, many t-shirts, and eyeglasses. I did this knowing I’m putting a third of my income into a 401K, building up liquid savings, and maintaining no credit card debt. I was confident that I have another six months of income before I have to go into retirement poverty.

Yesterday my boss told me she’d gotten a call saying I wouldn’t be working with her after the end of this month. We both thought arrangements had been made with another group so I could keep going. It turned out calls were not returned, blah blah.

BUT. I only got panicky for a few minutes. After that I figured that something would work out if everyone talked to each other. Sure enough, especially as it was identified that our project would probably fail if I was not there through the end of the year, leadership did leader-like things and suddenly the contract was back to ending in December. My uncertainty is diminished. I have a plan again, at least until the next unexpected turn of events!

I’ll go off and breathe again now. I’ve done a lot of that this evening. At one point, Kathleen and I were standing on the porch reveling in the stiff wind blowing rain clouds everywhere but over our house. We both needed the freshness.

I’m so fortunate and grateful for my life, home, family, community, and work!

Figuring out how you feel is the first step

I didn’t know how to write about this yesterday, because I was having a hard time sorting out my conflicting emotions along with conflicts between rational thought and emotional attachment. Truth be told, I’m not much better about it, but I ought to finish the tale of little Benny, the dog who came in from the storms.

You may recall that after we returned him to his official home, he showed up three more times. Remember, he is a small chiweenie dog and lives 2.8 miles away. The last time he arrived was last Friday. We decided to let him hang out until his people asked for him back.

So, we fed him and endured his love affair with Carlton along with marking various spots with copious pee. He was a typical intact male dog. He was also very happy, friendly, and easygoing. We started to get used to him.

Here he is, fitting in. Wanting to be top dog.

Finally, on Memorial Day, his teen guardian asked if we’d seen him. I said he’d been here quite a while. No word until 5 pm, when she said her parents would come get him. I didn’t know how I felt about giving a dog back to someone who hadn’t even asked about him for three days. I still don’t know.

But, we sent the nephew out to meet them, since he knew them from when he was renovating Anita’s house and that family lived next door. His mission was to act tough and find out if they had a credible explanation. About an hour after they showed up, he came back in the house without Benny. Apparently most of the family was out of town and the teen left home to supervise “thought his parents had taken Benny with him.” (Quotes indicate I’m dubious.)

The parent said he would be fine letting us keep Benny, but the teen girl would be sad (and I predict would be at our house “visiting” all the time. Plus, he vowed that he’d fix their broken fence and take Benny in to get neutered so he won’t make puppies with their two unspayed Frenchies. The nephew believed them enough to send Benny home. I accept that, since I asked him to handle it (and I’m grateful).

I was surprised to find myself sort of sad. I know we do not need more dogs and would have to neuter him. But I liked him. Now that a couple of days have passed, I still wait for him to come through the dog door immediately after Carlton. And Carlton? I think he also missed his buddy but is glad the constant humping and licking have stopped.

I’m just hoping that giving him back was the right thing to do. I agree it’s their dog. But I want him safe. I guess the lesson I learned from this is that sometimes you just have to accept discomfort and a lack of closure. There simply may be no way to know what the best decision is.

Nice sunset, even if it doesn’t show the prettiest view of the ranch.

Other tidbits: dudes came by to figure out how much the new gutters will cost so we can get hooked up to the water storage tanks. I’m a bit disappointed that the only shade of red is more like the left shipping container above. Our current gutters are like the right shipping container. That’s okay. Most important is that they do the job.

Attractive hummingbird conveniently shows a current gutter and a water tank.

I still have more deep thoughts but will save them for tomorrow.

A little processing break

I’ve been thinking about things that I need to work on to keep making progress on becoming my true and authentic self as much as possible. I did an interesting tarot reading tonight, thanks to a great spread Cat Dancing made for our group. I’m still thinking about it.

I’m also still processing how Benny the dog went back to his old house. Not sure how I feel about it.

So I’ll try to pull it all together for tomorrow. I’m also thinking about the consequences of some very important runoff elections in Texas. Not sure if cheering is appropriate.

I don’t want it all

What does “having it all” mean to you? Is it attainable?

I’m no longer even thinking about having it all. I just want enough. I want my family safe, a supportive community, a comfortable home, and enough to eat. I guess having it all would be all the above plus access to healthy food, natural beauty, and animal companions. Yarn, too. And books.

Alfred is glad to be our animal companion.

I have these things. I’m very privileged. I want these things for everyone in the world. It’s attainable but not with the distribution of wealth around the world. What a frustrating situation. I’m glad there are people smarter than me trying to find ways to change our oligarchy. What I can do is help others when I can. My job makes that easier than it once was. I’m grateful.

Truly, it’s only really having it all if “all” is available to everyone, no exceptions. Even people we don’t like.

Humor break. Many of these mushrooms are coming up right now. From a distance it looks like a field of tampons.

I’m not up to writing much about today. The highlight was killing plants, so that tells you something. But before I eliminated the growth in the pool patio, I did my best to rescue as many portulaca plants from the racks between stones as possible. I think some will make it.

Geez. I care about my phone.

What personal belongings do you hold most dear?

Why do I hold my phone dear? It is my memory. It contains all my photos, all my communication with friends, access to my memories in the blog…and yes, I can get to all those things from my laptop. Yuck. I think I hold some bits and bytes or whatever cloud storage is made of. That’s really depressing. What else do I hold dear? Things made by my loved ones. My mom and stepmom’s art. Dad’s woodcraft stuff. Gifts they gave me. Things that tie me to them.

New thought: I’ve started letting myself write in incomplete sentences! They’ll soon be taking away my Grammar Police badge. My take is that the incomplete sentences are not as unpleasant as those two blogs I dictated and then was too woozy to properly review. Poor Sue had to endure proofreading that. I don’t pay her well enough for that! (I do not pay Sue; she’s just nice.)

Another part of the phone I love is the camera. I was at a Master Naturalist outing at my friend Carolyn’s place, which I’ve showed you before. I got some images I really liked there. I don’t need to show you all 125 species or 25 birds I recorded, but I want to share a few for those of you who always want more nature pictures.