What’s your top tip to be successful in life?
The most important suggestion I have is to define success for yourself. Let others decide for themselves but not for you.
Bonus tip: as life and circumstances change, it is okay to change your definition. You’ve changed, so your aspirations will as well.
My definition of success focuses more on inner peace, love for all life on this planet, and forgiveness (of myself and others). And as long as I’m focused on these goals, I feel successful.
Oh, Elizabeth Strout, sometimes I wish you weren’t so gifted at spare prose, because I want to read your words every day. I do always read her books slowly, though, because she packs so much into every sentence. I’ve written about nearly every novel Strout has written, but I have no doubt that The Things We Never Say (2026) is my favorite.
I finished reading it yesterday and had to sit in silence and think about the depth of emotion I experienced while reading it. The degree with which I empathized with the protagonist, Artie Dam, a high school teacher in a town near where her other books are set in the northeastern US, is very deep. The simple events he experiences and his reactions are both his alone and universal—I literally feel his pain.
The book is set is contemporary times, and the characters deal with the most recent presidential election much like everyone I know did, down to realizing some very good people you can trust with your life can support the “other” candidate. Most universal, though, is how Artie deals with finding out about a secret his wife has kept from him for over 30 years.
Artie is around my age, and he goes through some stages of coping with age and growing understanding that how we once saw the world is no longer true. And it’s as hard on him as it’s been on me. Wow. This book exquisitely sums up how I think many of us feel at this time in history.
I took some notes about what struck me most about The Things We Never Say:
This all sounds depressing, but in many ways it’s comforting to realize the things you go through are not isolated. We’re all in the same boat (literally, Artie sails), and even if we don’t know everything about each other, there are connections.
As the book jacket says, “ Strout’s simple declarative sentences contain continents.”
This goes into my top favorite book list!
What’s a book, movie, or TV show that you wish you could experience again for the first time?
I have two answers to this question, both of which have to do with my moral compass.
First, I’d love to experience the original Star Trek again, at the same age I was then (around 12) but with the ability to have my elder self able to point out the moments when things happen that went CLICK and turned me into a bleeding heart liberal. As cheesy as TOS (especially Kirk) was it opened my little working-class Southern girl heart to ideas I might not have encountered until much later. I’m afraid I would have been a lot more racist and intolerant without watching Star Trek at a pivotal adolescent moment.
Second, I would like to have not read The Handmaid’s Tale when I was in grad school but instead last year, when it seemed to be coming true. Or maybe not. I’m pretty sure I’d panic and feel sure it would come true next year. No. I actually wish more women in the US would read it now, especially those trad wives who think what they’re doing is so cute. The women in The Handmaid’s Tale lead lives that could happen soon the way women’s rights are deteriorating and could deteriorate more in the Texas Republican Party platform this year gets enacted — they want to outlaw IVF now. Sheesh.
Believe it or not I have another book review for tomorrow. An important book for me. I thought about it all day, which is why I just answered the prompt again today.
The highlight of the day was that I craved peaches and I ate three very ripe ones from Costco. Not worthy of its own blog, but so good. A ripe peach brought me joy!
What’s a common misconception people have about happiness?
I always feel sad when I hear people say their goal is to be happy. Or all they want is for their kids to be happy. All the time? We can’t always be happy.
I’d be exhausted if I was happy for days at a time. Happiness is a fleeting state of mind, for me. I want to have happiness, joy, and contentment in my life. Yet, all those feelings are sweeter and and more to be treasured when life has ups and downs to compare them to.
So I do not wish my children or anyone happiness all the time, just enough to savor and enjoy. My ideal would be to feel vaguely content most of the time, with sadness during appropriate times and happiness sprinkled throughout the day in little bursts.
I make sure to notice when I’m happy, since it comes more often these days. For example, I was happy just now when hugging Carlton.
I do wish that life could have less anxiety and stress. Everyone seems to have an imbalance of that, if they’re paying attention! This became abundantly clear yesterday, as so many friends expressed how good it felt to see the Obama Center opening. Independently, I kept hearing how people had forgotten what it felt like to be proud of a leader, and to hear former political rivals being civil with each other. The constant dread of these times lifted briefly.
If you could instantly master any skill, what would it be and why?
You know what? The blog folks are asking different prompt questions now. That’s good, because my current work project is mind numbing and after two days of it, I’ve got a pretty good headache. I should finish by tomorrow, hopefully with my brain intact.
So the best I can do for you today is answer the question of what skill I’d like to master instantly.
I’ve tried to learn to spin wool over and over. I know I CAN learn it, but I’ve never had the patience to keep trying with a drop spindle, and never had enough time with a spinning wheel to get a rhythm. I would truly love to just know how to do it and start enjoying spinning my own yarn minus the learning curve. Yeah, that’s cheating, I know.
Same with weaving. I can weave with a rigid heddle and know how to make tapestries. However, if I could instantly master a big ole loom and all those complex patterns…I’d be set for life. But that’s not happening. I should go make some placemats and not let Lee wash them in the machine (fate of my last woven placemats).
Good thing I do know how to knit and crochet well enough to make things I enjoy.
What is one way you have grown this year?
One of the best things about aging is that you realize you have learned so much from all those “learning experiences.” Also, you are humbled to realize that those opportunities do not suddenly end when you hit some magical age of discernment. I wish.
While I do have a pretty good idea of what my issues and triggers are (abandonment, low self esteem, sensitivity to criticism, etc.), I still have more to learn about dealing with my areas of vulnerability. Who doesn’t, right?
When my horse trainer dismissed me as a client in January, I admit I was blindsided. My fear of abandonment took me back to how I felt as a small child. I was heartbroken. I thought she was a lifelong friend, though I realized we had differences.
How did I grow? Well, I was able to nip my inclination to blame myself in the bud. I was able to see she is in pain and afraid, and struck out at me as a convenient target. I can’t say I wasn’t sad or that I don’t regret that it happened. But I’m back to seeing good in life.
A key insight for me was that I realized I felt a lot better now that I didn’t feel pressured to perform, to modify my speech, and make myself do things I didn’t want to do. You know what? I can enjoy my horses without asking them to do things they don’t enjoy, and I can take my time making progress. I don’t even have to ride. It’s okay!
And yep, that’s the growth for this year so far. I have broken free of feeling like I have to diminish myself so as not to “rock the boat” — and it’s happening at work and home, too. I notice things but don’t react unless it’s important, and then I’m more compassionate. yay!
No wonder I enjoy my work and don’t let pissy people bug me. No wonder I can relax at home and feel like it’s a choice to steer clear of some potentially contentious topics or ignore potentially irritating actions, not something I have to do to protect myself. Bonus: I realize others are letting my annoying features slide, too. It’s reciprocal!
I hope you can think of ways you’ve been growing this year. Have you seen growth in others? I sure have, and I’m so pleased. As long as I’m surrounded by people who are doing their best to be the kind of friend, family member, or community member they can be, I can hold on and make the best of each day.
Don’t write this book off as yet another Suna bird book. Oh, no. This book is for birders, dinosaur lovers, biologists, and those who love Latin. I spent much of my time sounding out the names of dinosaurs, but the author of The History of Birds, Steve Brusatte, got me so invested in all the ancient and modern animals he introduced that I actually kept them straight!
Spoiler alert: birds are dinosaurs. That’s the main thesis of this one. But the fun part is learning how a bunch of dedicated scientists and amateurs figured that out.
Brusatte is a good story teller and a great interpreter of paleontology for us regular people. Each fossil discovery is a little mystery that unfolds through stories. Plus, I learned a lot about the history of Earth. I was fascinated at how the formation of continents influenced how birds evolved.
Another part of the bird history that was fun was how the prehistoric world comes alive with Brusatte’s vivid descriptions of the environment, plants, animals, and weather patterns. It’s like a fun trip through history.
How birds learned to fly, how feathers developed, and how birdsong works are all covered. You’ll feel real smart when you finish reading, and you’ll be so entertained by the birds and dinosaurs and the scientists who love them—the interdisciplinary community that has contributed to what we now know about birds seems tight knit and so cooperative. It encourages me!
Write your guide to setting healthy boundaries in relationships.
Remind yourself that when someone bullies you, it’s because they feel weak.
Lower expectations from unreliable friends and family. Enjoy the good things and just accept them as they are. Griping won’t change anything.
Bear in mind you don’t have to comply with manipulation.
Listen with your heart and empathize without taking on others’ issues.
Love yourself, warts and all.
See the good in everyone but don’t make excuses for them.
Forgive those who hurt you, even if you must stay away for your safety.
Prioritize your needs; you’re as important as anyone else, so don’t always put others first.
Find the humor in situations.
Make room for silence. Meditate, pray, walk in nature. It improves your ability to bring your best self to relationships.
Beg anyone to love you. It never works. That only took me 50 years to figure out.
Walk on eggshells to keep the peace/save a relationship/pacify a narcissist.
Believe the put-downs, insults, passive aggressive jabs, and guilt trips of wounded souls trying to make themselves feel better by belittling you.
Try to fix anyone. That’s their job.
Bear a grudge. It hurts you more than the other person.
Make negative assumptions based on appearance — talk to people.
Tease unkindly, pick on, or gossip about people who are vulnerable.
It felt good to blurt that all out. I’m sure you have your own ideas! Me throwing out unsolicited advice may well be unnecessary. Thanks for playing along.
More book reporting for tomorrow. Hopefully less flooding, as there was another four inches overnight.
My friend Kathy in Waco lent me this book, Counterfeit Culture, by Keith Brown (3025). when I told her we’d checked out the Homestead Heritage place near there. Her church book club had read it, and it’s definitely a book with a Christian perspective and loaded with Bible quotes.
Keith Brown and her husband, Curtis, are the reason that facility is in Waco, because they provided the money to buy the land where all the Homestead Heritage stores and workshops are located. They were members of the “community” for thirty years before finally leaving.
If you’re interested in how sincere, intelligent people can get sucked into a cult with the best of intentions, you’ll find Brown’s book enlightening. Her personality and early life resemble mine, so I’m glad the only “cult” I nearly got sucked into was La Leche League in its worst years.
It’s pretty impressive that Brown has been able to forgive herself for her mistakes, apologize to her 9 (yikes!) children, and keep her marriage. The fact that she was able to keep her religious convictions also impresses me. She was able to see the loving God and forgiving Jesus that could give her strength. She points out that most people who leave Homestead Heritage reject religion. I can understand that.
Life in the group is exactly how you’d think a cult life would be. There are many good aspects, but there’s always a powerful leader and minions that use fear and intimidation to keep members in line. The rules kept changing, so you could do something that was right last week but elicit a reprimand this week. Worse, it sounded to me like how Communist China used to be, where people tattled on each other constantly, even family members.
Poor Keith Brown had to completely erase her outgoing personality and ways of thinking. I’ve only had to do that a little bit and for not too long and it gave me anxiety attacks. I am impressed she made it through to escape.
And by the way, the group buys most of the food it sells from standard sources, even the wheat. Sniff. I liked the gristmill. Almost all the members live in mobile homes bought by the group, too.
The book confirmed my fears that no utopian community stays that way long. And it opened my eyes to their finances, which involved a lot of borrowing during the years the Browns were there. I don’t know if it’s different now.
And still, if people are happy with the good aspects of Homestead Heritage and enjoy living there, I’m glad for them. They probably think I’ve been indoctrinated by crazy liberal ideas. I just wish power hungry despots didn’t end up requiring loyalty oaths and total obedience, there or here on the outside.
You can find the book on bookshop.org.
Today was pretty darned pleasant. I got some items on my to-do list done, and enjoyed a day of less bad news surrounding me. Woo hoo!
I went with Lee and Chris to Lowe’s to pick up supplies for the pool house project behind our house. I remembered to ask them to get a new air conditioner for my she shed, which will certainly improve horse feeding this summer.
I also finally remembered to get an American flag to go by our front gate. I’d been intending to do it for quite some e, but I rarely go anywhere that would have one these days. I want to be clear that everyone on our property has hopes for a better future here, no matter the details of our beliefs.
When we got home I hurried to do barn chores, and the flag was up by the time I got finished! What a joy.
I met an interesting man who builds furniture mostly out of 2x4s at the checkout line at Lowe’s. I enjoyed looking at his creative ideas and techniques. He reminded me very much of the creative builders in my family!
After Lowe’s Lee and I went to the pet store and got some “rosy red minnows” to put in the horses’ water troughs. That’s another to-do item I kept forgetting to do. I didn’t remember to take any pictures before I put them in. Let’s hope enough of them survive to do mosquito and algae control.
We got canna lilies to plant near the pool, too. The variety name cracked me up. My mother’s first name was Canova. Close. No humans by that name are authorized in this property, but innocent sale bin plants are.
Plus, I gave my nails a rainbow manicure and finished May on the temperature blanket. April and May were fairly pleasant. June is rather red so far. Red is over 90°, wine is over 95° and hot pink is over 100°. I’m hoping for very little hot pink this summer.
I wish you little moments of joy and much peace. Thanks for reading.
The Hermits' Rest 