mental health – Page 3 – The Hermits' Rest

Day by Day

It’s my plan to take things day by day for the next month or so, while Goldie heals and annoying political ads get more absurd. Today was different from yesterday, as days tend to be. I did my best to embrace the changes and challenges. It seemed to be the best option.

I’m glad I didn’t have the overwhelming anxiety of yesterday. I felt more centered, or so I thought until it became clear that my mode today was jitters. I managed to drop things, burn myself, allow myself to be bitten by Apache (my fault, not his), trip on random weeds, and even dribble my coffee.

I’d like to fly away, but that’s not the mature choice.

I was also more impatient than usual. Things I usually let go of easily, like being corrected or contradicted repeatedly, were bugging me. I can’t live my life at home if I start noticing and reacting to other people’s quirks that aren’t going to change. If I expect for my quirks to be accepted, I need to return the favor, right?

Quirks like toting this giant thing everywhere I go.

If I were to wager, which I don’t do, I’d bet that most people in partnerships occasionally want to get a break from certain habits or situations in their home, whether it’s leaving the toilet seat up or not putting tools back where they belong (partially made-up examples). That’s why I think my little trips are good for me. It gives the family a break.

Another of my quirks. Doing my nails in weird ways. Oh, and saying I’m sorry all the time. I’ll end the list here.

Anyway, I assume I’ll be better tomorrow and head towards a more pleasant attitude. I did make a nice dinner, so I wasn’t totally grumped out.

Sure, we’re both pleasingly plump, but you could have shared that food! Oh, shrimp? Never mind.

As for Goldie, the reason for my jitters, she is okay, though she seems to be in more discomfort. That huge incision has to hurt as it heals. It looks good, though, not infected or leaking.

Not gonna display the incision. It’s a foot long, at least.

She changed her shirt (the other one was cut off her, so no repeat shirts). I found a white one for her to wear to keep the incision area clean and keep other dogs from licking it. None of them have tried, though.

She’s eating well and doing her doggie business successfully. We humans spend lots of time with her, which I hope helps. The other dogs are respectful, thankfully.

Carlton is just glad he gets to sleep upstairs with us.

My hope is that day by day she and I both feel better. Every day I’ll feel more confident in her healing, too.

Mental Health Break

Neither Lee nor I were feeling our best in the mental health department today. All the illness around us gets to us sometimes, and we’re worried about people in addition to dogs.

This Giant Swallowtail did make me smile.

We ended up not doing much other than going to get horse and hen supplies and watching comedy shows. Sometimes you need a mindless day.

Every day is mindless for these guys, who are getting along fine and enjoying their grubs.

It’s still really hot, though I honored the equinox by creating a splashy weird nail look. It’s either cool and graphic or it makes my nails look dirty. You be the judge.

I also still can’t get used to long hair.

There were no animal hijinks or injuries today other than birds and butterflies to amuse me. I saw two Wilson’s Warblers today, a first here at the ranch. I enjoy the migratory visitors, especially when they have cute little caps.

Hoping I feel more chipper tomorrow.

Tricky Health and Well Being Strategies

What strategies do you use to maintain your health and well-being?

I’ll tell you about one health and well-being strategy I use: if my day was too draining to blog about, I’ll put off answering the prompt. So, I started this yesterday and stopped. I realized I was having anxiety issues big time.

I don’t think I realized it as the work day was going on, but when I stopped working, I got those familiar chest pains that usually don’t happen anymore thanks to my daily medication. It’s some kind of PTSD-like response to my day. My boss was laid off and I was the last to know, thanks to Microsoft Teams suddenly insisting on my password that I forgot. That kind of stuff happens in large corporations of course. I’ve been through it with Lee, at the same company.

But my “stress memory” didn’t handle it as well as my intellectual brain did. I went right back to when I was at my previous employer and the boss I considered a mentor and friend got laid off (victim of a power struggle). I’d really liked my job there, for the most part, but things immediately went downhill until I realized I, too, was in the middle of a power struggle I could not win.

My nice job became prickly, just like these beautiful flowers will become those giant burs.

The last straw was when they made someone who worked for me my boss, and a week after telling me I was the strongest member of the team, he turned around and gave me one of “those” little chats about what a poor worker I was. I was so confused I kept asking, “What?” The very lucky thing was that I’d been getting all sorts of calls and emails about another position doing the parts of my job I really liked without the management politics. I took it. It’s a great job.

Happy worker, generated by AI – it is not me

And here I am having chest pains again. Now, I know that my position for next year has passed all the approvals needed, and I’ll get to work only 32 hours, which I find great. More time for camping and horses! But, not knowing where our team is going and all that would make anyone a little uncomfortable. I need to just take it day by day and be positive.

Could you tell my emotions to pay attention to my logical side? I guess that’s really my job. And that’s one thing I do to keep my well-being under control. I keep telling myself everything is OK until I believe it. It’s worked for eliminating negative self-talk, so maybe it will work with getting triggered when a bad experience could be construed to be happening again.

I need a new perspective, like this picture of the front pond from the side I usually don’t see.

At least maintaining my health is easier. I now exercise enough because it’s become a habit (hooray for my Apple Watch). I can’t believe it, but I feel bad if I’m not active. Needing to care for the animals sorta forces me to burn some calories, and the horse lessons are good for both my body and my mind. I’m really feeling good about all that!

I comfort her; she comforts me. It all works out.
(It thundered again today, so Goldie begged me to go upstairs and hang out with her.)

Clutter, Not My Favorite Word

Where can you reduce clutter in your life?

I will first tell you where I want to reduce clutter: in my head. That goal is slowly coming to fruition as I discard guilt over past mistakes, sadness over lost lives and friends, my endless lists of rules I think I have to follow so my friends and family won’t desert me, etc. (Abandonment issues? Yes, thanks Mom.)

How to cope? Go out and watch deer when it’s 18°.

The last thing is still a big issue. I want to be considerate of others and respect their boundaries and wishes, but I don’t want to constantly second guess myself in deference to others. What topics do I avoid with Person X? Remember not to argue with Person Y! Never mention Person Z by name! It’s a balance. It’s definitely the reason I’m quieter now.

So, yup, I need to sweep out some mental clutter. It’s a good goal.

However. As for household clutter.

I’m not a minimalist. I enjoy having things to look at in my environment that I enjoy. Like I’ve mentioned before, some objects seem to carry a spirit somehow, of people who made them or gave them to me…they have meaning. So don’t tell me my house is full of clutter. I like it that way. If I want to live in a bland hotel I can go to a condo.

At least I keep the birds outside…except for my bird journal. Clutter.

That said, my house bothers me right now because there is mess. To me, mess is stuff with no purpose that is just sitting around waiting for someone to do something about it. There are boxes of yarn I can’t fit in my office closet because it needs to be rearranged to add shelves and such. There are two china hutches in the entryway, because I can’t move the big one so I can empty out the small one and trade things out. There are paintings and needlework that need to be hung. All this is from my Austin house and former office. IRS hard to consolidate.

I should just sleep outside. These guys do.

So I do need to rearrange things, remove what isn’t meaningful to me, and get the house back in order. Oh, and remove magazines that have been read so others can enjoy them.

But there will still be “clutter,” just organized into collections.

It’s too cold for daily birds, but I did see a lot of woodpeckers flying around today. After tonight, the Arctic air will head off and we will be back to more normal winter weather.

I’m still waiting for my yarn to arrive so I can do these extra cold days on the temperature blanket. Yes. Last year’s blanket is now “clutter” until I can attach the segments and photograph it. Soon!

Is Someone Bothering You? Look in the Mirror to Learn Why

A quick note.

First, center yourself by meditating on the whorling shape of this red-stemmed stork’s-bill.

Okay, now read on.

Today someone who knows very well how to get under my defenses said something that I took as a passive aggressive swipe at me, the kind that on the surface seems innocuous enough, but stings. I mentioned it to my spouse, who said maybe they didn’t mean it that way. Maybe I was looking for a swipe.

I thought about it.

Then I remembered the time my neighbor cut me off for saying something mean to another neighbor that I hadn’t intended to be mean at all. I remembered the letter that our general contractor’s wife wrote to me about a set of issues she perceived in me (I’ve blotted them out of my mind). I remember the letter my ex-boyfriend wrote to tell me to stop writing him and bragging about buying a car and a house, etc. None of those things I intended the way they were interpreted. But their biases toward me were negative, so they interpreted my actions negatively.

Looking in the mirror of how people misunderstood me because they wanted to made me realize I might be doing the same. I’d learned this lesson before and have been tryingjj to interpret the person I’ve always known to be passive aggressive to me as if their intentions were good. I just fell into a decades-old pattern. I will now reset and do my best to go back to assuming good intentions, like I’ve always strived to.

Sometimes you just need a reminder to see that you’re falling off the path you want to follow. There are a couple of people in my life I’m going to work harder not to have a negative bias toward. That’s a resolution for the coming year that I can get behind.

How about you?

On that note, I’ll plod off into the sunset on my small but magnificent steed.

Saddles Are Expensive

Name the most expensive personal item you’ve ever purchased (not your home or car).

Since I have had a poor mental health day, I’ll just answer by telling you that horses are expensive to maintain. I’d say the three most expensive things I’ve ever bought that weren’t buildings or vehicles have been the three horse saddles I’ve bought.

That’s the most costly one. Cost 5X as much as the horse (before expensive training).

However, they are comfortable for the horses and beautiful, too. A lot of saving was involved for each. I can also lift them. That’s important for older riders.

The second costliest. This horse was “free.” Now his meds cost more than mine.

No riding today. It’s too muddy. So I walked the horses and pondered a bur removal campaign. At least Apache likes his medicine and asks for me to take burs out (sticks his head in the right position).

This splotchy cow resembles Apache with no burs.

Otherwise, today I heard seven kinds of sparrows and even photographed one, along with turkey vultures and great egrets.

The birds seem to like the damp, cool weather judging by how many were out this morning.

I’m just feeling really weird. Is it anxiety? Too much salty food? Dehydration? Medication side effect? Being an empath? I may get checked tomorrow in case it’s blood pressure or something. I’m not having an emergency, just feeling unbalanced.

Better Days Do Come

Sometimes when you have a long string of anxious and worried days, it’s nice to have one that builds you up. I hate it when I’m dealing with annoying physical symptoms and I’ve done all I can to get my equilibrium back, but the truth is sometimes I just have to wait it out. Today helped!

I got to enjoy what passes for fall color in College Station Today.

Penney woke me up by wigging and licking like crazy for about an hour, so I got up, looked at the damp day, and did my nails with a set I’d looked forward to using, which looked like a brocade cloth with big flowers on it. It didn’t go on really great, but it perked right up when I added some gaudy jewels I had hanging around. Now the whole thing looks over the top, but it cheers me up.

After talking to the chickens, I headed over to the place I got them, Bird and Bee Farm, where our Master Naturalist wildscape project is located. I rarely have time on their special days to get out there, so I was glad I had a while to drop by.

I’d intended to take photos of all the butterflies, but it was still too damp in late morning for them to be out. Even the bees were still napping.

My friend Debi and I looked at all the flowers and found lots of caterpillars and a cat.

All these black ones came up as salt marsh moths

It was so pleasant just wandering around and seeing what is still hanging around this time of year. The dew was so heavy that it made for fine photo ops. It’s nice to photograph non-wildflowers like roses and zinnias occasionally

I hung out with birds a bit, and heard a new wren on Merlin, a sedge wren. I wish I’d seen it because it sure looks cute in its photo online. Instead, here are turkeys.

After talking a while with other Master Naturalists, I had to leave. I hope Patsy notices I put my nails in the blog for her.

The reason I had to leave was that I had my second watercolor class at Brazos Watercolor Retreats in College Station. We learned to paint trees with sunlight pouring through them. There were lots of new techniques to learn, like making white space by putting some rubbery stuff on the paper before painting. I also learned to make the sun rays.

I didn’t do a great job on the tree part, but I know what I’d do differently if I tried again. For a first try, I’m fine with my finished product. Maybe I should get some paints, brushes, and paper. It’s fun to see how the colors come out.

I even made it home in time to feed the horses before it was too dark, which makes it a lot easier to give Apache his medicine. They have a new bale of hay, and judging from the holes in the wet ground, they had a good time running around after they escaped while the tractor was going in. Those little dickenses.

So, yay, today has been fine enough that I’m handling learning about a few deaths in my circle pretty well. I have plenty of energy to send out love to all the families and friends, which feels really good.

Hug a loved one.

When Your Furry Family Member Gets You Angsty

Describe a family member.

I didn’t realize the prompt today would fit with what I wanted to write about today. But it does. I’ve had some of the worst anxiety symptoms and bad dreams I’ve had in years since Friday. Ugh. I get strong chest pains, tightness in my head with ringing sounds, and weakness in my legs. None of this is pleasant. At least my anti-anxiety meds work most of the time!

But, it turns out that, while I only get moderately stressed out about the numerous health issues in my immediate family, a sick horse throws me for a loop. And by the way, he’s no sicker now than he was last week, but knowing something was wrong got me full time of worry, angst, anxiety…and guilt.

I guess I’m unhappy to find out that Apache’s blood test results were extra bad (like 400 where high normal is 40) for ACTH. This means that, as we’ve always suspected, he has PPID or Cushing’s desease. The link tells you what the tests he took were, and we’re from the place doing the testing. His insulin wasn’t bad, which is good news.

Don’t panic. Medicine is on order that will reduce his symptoms and make him feel much better, though it won’t fix his endocrine system, which has probably been bad his whole life. We’ve just been managing the heck out of his symptoms.

Why have I been so upset? It’s because this furry family member has meant so much to me. He’s the first horse I learned to take care of and to ride, so he’s dealt with all my learning experiences and mistakes. Conversely, I’ve dealt with all his issues and idiosyncrasies, along with his curiosity, eagerness to learn, humor, and patience.

Don’t forget my beauty, other than the furry coat and sweating.

He and I each have our challenges, but we’ve stuck together through bad feet, poor horsemanship, anxiety (both of us), and changes. And in the past year or so, we’ve finally become a real team and started having fun. There’s been a lot of growth going on for both of us.

So Friday, when I found out the vet was supposed to have sent me those test results but I didn’t have them, and I got the impression they were bad, no amount of me telling myself that getting upset wouldn’t change things worked. I just fell apart and got mentally dysfunctional. I mean, internally. I did all my stuff and acted fine. I just hurt inside. I care so much about my animals.

I was mainly feeling bad that I didn’t get the testing done earlier, like I’ve let him suffer needlessly. I was concentrating so hard on his feet, muscles, and diet that I missed this. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to get haltered some days, or why he gets squirrelly on rides…blah blah blah. I’m just making stuff up at this point, but I guess that’s what you do when you think you could have helped but didn’t.

My hope it’s that by talking about my relationship with my Paint/Arab companion of lo these many years I’ll help myself feel better. He will be on his way to feeling better as soon as those meds arrive, and we’ll take it from there.

I’ll remember good stuff like hearing the sandhill cranes migrating overhead.

We will both be fine, especially if folks treat us kindly and gently. I don’t need to be made to feel worse with a bunch of, “Why didn’t you…?” And “You should have…” stuff. I just need ways to move forward and live the rest of our time together positively and happily. The horses and my inner circle are what keep me going!

Resources

Equine Cushing’s and Testing

Equine Endocrinology

Mental Illness Runs in Families

Time for more of that honesty that people either like or have become tired of lately.

Sometimes life feels like an unpleasant amusement park ride. I hate Ferris wheels.

I’ve been dealing with some painful consequences of mental illness for the past few weeks, both my own and the issues of others. I wouldn’t wish some of the struggles I’ve seen on anyone. It’s particularly hard, because it seems to come from innate struggles (along with “nurture” problems, many of which stem from being raised by people whose mental illnesses caused them to inflict pain on those around them). And I got so down that I managed to forget what caused it until a friend reminded me there’s a name for what I deal with.

Somewhere among my mother’s maternal ancestors, some powerful genes that make life hard for those who inherited them got wedged firmly in the family line. I don’t know how far back it goes, or which part of my grandmother’s family passed the issues on to her and her siblings, but wow, it left a strong legacy.

Moonrise in the night. Like a light in a dark time.

I’m going to say this: I love my children, but I’m sorry that I passed on the tendency to have severe depression, bipolar, learning disabilities, and narcissism on to them. I am truly grateful that they are not extending this line forward, even though the good parts (intelligence, artistic gifts, and the ability to write well) won’t move forward to future generations, either. That’s difficult to say but seeing how my family inflict pain on each other and how deeply it affects the two of us plagued by RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) I just don’t want it to continue.

I don’t blame any member of my mother’s family for behaving how they do and making the choices they make. A combination of inherited instability and “abuse” (for lack of a better word) can make people do weird things to try to bring peace into their lives. My sister has cut off the rest of her biological family from her life. I do understand how, from her perspective, it’s what she needs to do, but I can still wish she’d gotten the help she needed and enabled the family who love her, warts and all, to be a part of her life.

The view from my Rapunzel Tower at sunset

On the other hand, those of us who have had to try to find ways to deal with how members of my mom’s family treated us are probably better off ending that pattern. My insane drive to not be rejected or abandoned has led me to try way too hard to please people who can’t be pleased, and that’s not helpful to any of us. Anyway, the struggle is real, and I’m back on track to managing my own issues better again, and I wish everyone else well as they deal with their issues.

I’d actually gotten pretty darn good at not blaming myself for every single thing people close to me say, do, or seem to do in my messed-up brain. I just slipped, and as I was trying to express this morning when talking to a therapist friend, you can intellectually know there will be setbacks in mental health recovery, but your limbic system still gets all out of whack. Repeat after me: other people’s actions are their responsibility.

Dealing with all this while holed up in a tiny room like a short-haired Rapunzel in her tower is not ideal. But I can always find ways to cope. At least I can watch Amazon Prime without worrying Lee about using up all our bandwidth. So, I watched three nice movies yesterday and that helped a lot! I watched Air, 80 for Brady, and Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris. All movies with strong women who made me smile.

Plus, there’s always random people you meet, along with the sunrises, sunsets, birds, and bats. This Rapunzel really isn’t trapped in her tower at all.

Do We Ever Grow Up?

I’m beginning to think the answer to this question is a decisive “no.” I’m darned disappointed in myself these days, because I find myself falling into old patterns, forgetting lessons I thought I’d learned, and pretty much pissing off people I’d prefer to not piss off. And I sit here trying to work but with chest pains and a giant eye tic. Old patterns bring old results.

Like a moth, I need to stop flying into flames that aren’t the right kind.

And then, of course, rather than being gentle with myself and remembering that we always have ups and downs, I’m angry and disappointed with myself for being so needy and such an annoyance. Then I go on to remind myself that, for goodness’ sake, my little emotional turmoil and angst is not important in the grand scheme of things, and certainly not the responsibility of anyone other than me to deal with.

There are plenty of areas I can enjoy and not bother anyone. Like fish crows.

So, this blog is my attempt to remind myself that my issues are mine to deal with, and that asking for support or reassurance is not always a good idea. There’s a time and place for everything, including getting help with things I’m worried about. I’m really sorry that I’ve been a pain in the butt to people I consider in my inner circle.

I need to grow up!

Today I’m making a strong effort to remember my boundaries and respect the boundaries of others, to keep my inner circle small and trustworthy, and to stop thinking I’m a part of things that are truly outside of my realm. That last one keeps biting me on the butt, like when I thought because I was part of the ownership team of a company, I was entitled to know more about what was going on than I actually am. Today I thought I needed to take care of details about the vacation rental I own but realized that’s not for me to worry about. I just stick my nose into everything when I’m not careful! Time to be more careful and stop being annoying. And for sure, no one needs me to provide updates about anything.

Why am I whining when I have this nice place to hang out? I can be a doofus sometimes!

I’ve enjoyed lecturing myself today. I think it helps to write it down, and by sharing it on the blog, I think I’ll be more likely to hold myself accountable and do keep doing the things I need to go to get back to loving myself, staying out of things I have no business getting into, and most important, remembering I’m not the only one with issues so it behooves me to treat others the way I’d like to be treated.

In other words, it’s time to grow up. Again.

(I’m fine, don’t need advice or professional help (I have it), and just hope people who care will help keep me accountable.)