But it feels like it. Just like I can’t be my higher self and live in the moment, I feel like it’s necessary to act like time marches forward since everyone else thinks it does.
The Temperature Blanket, current as of November 6, acts like time is real.
I had more things in the bullet journal to do today than I was able to get to. That’s even with working on videos while doing my helping calls. But I’ll start again.
Busy busy. My idea of bullets.
Trying to get burs out of horse manes and tails required way more time than there were hours in the late afternoon. But I got Apache’s mane cleared off and I got him to eat his medicine. Tarrin was right. Burying it in senior horse feed got him to eat.
Like my curly look?
It was a hard day. Money stuff was hard. Horse stuff was hard. Work was work-like. I’m still full of anxiety but I got back on my medication. I hope I don’t leave it next time I go camping!
I did have time for lunch with the friends and to check out progress on the new bakery being renovated in town. That will be another great addition to downtown Cameron!
It’s an extra cheerful blue now. Quite an improvement.
Secretly I’m sending tons of good thoughts for friends dealing with the consequences of mishaps and accidents that happened to loved ones. Know you’re in my thoughts, friends.
I didn’t realize the prompt today would fit with what I wanted to write about today. But it does. I’ve had some of the worst anxiety symptoms and bad dreams I’ve had in years since Friday. Ugh. I get strong chest pains, tightness in my head with ringing sounds, and weakness in my legs. None of this is pleasant. At least my anti-anxiety meds work most of the time!
Riding helps, too.
But, it turns out that, while I only get moderately stressed out about the numerous health issues in my immediate family, a sick horse throws me for a loop. And by the way, he’s no sicker now than he was last week, but knowing something was wrong got me full time of worry, angst, anxiety…and guilt.
I guess I’m unhappy to find out that Apache’s blood test results were extra bad (like 400 where high normal is 40) for ACTH. This means that, as we’ve always suspected, he has PPID or Cushing’s desease. The link tells you what the tests he took were, and we’re from the place doing the testing. His insulin wasn’t bad, which is good news.
Look, I lost weight!
Don’t panic. Medicine is on order that will reduce his symptoms and make him feel much better, though it won’t fix his endocrine system, which has probably been bad his whole life. We’ve just been managing the heck out of his symptoms.
My dear teacher and companion
Why have I been so upset? It’s because this furry family member has meant so much to me. He’s the first horse I learned to take care of and to ride, so he’s dealt with all my learning experiences and mistakes. Conversely, I’ve dealt with all his issues and idiosyncrasies, along with his curiosity, eagerness to learn, humor, and patience.
Don’t forget my beauty, other than the furry coat and sweating.
He and I each have our challenges, but we’ve stuck together through bad feet, poor horsemanship, anxiety (both of us), and changes. And in the past year or so, we’ve finally become a real team and started having fun. There’s been a lot of growth going on for both of us.
I’m your buddy.
So Friday, when I found out the vet was supposed to have sent me those test results but I didn’t have them, and I got the impression they were bad, no amount of me telling myself that getting upset wouldn’t change things worked. I just fell apart and got mentally dysfunctional. I mean, internally. I did all my stuff and acted fine. I just hurt inside. I care so much about my animals.
I was mainly feeling bad that I didn’t get the testing done earlier, like I’ve let him suffer needlessly. I was concentrating so hard on his feet, muscles, and diet that I missed this. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to get haltered some days, or why he gets squirrelly on rides…blah blah blah. I’m just making stuff up at this point, but I guess that’s what you do when you think you could have helped but didn’t.
He’s made so much progress!
My hope it’s that by talking about my relationship with my Paint/Arab companion of lo these many years I’ll help myself feel better. He will be on his way to feeling better as soon as those meds arrive, and we’ll take it from there.
I’ll remember good stuff like hearing the sandhill cranes migrating overhead.
We will both be fine, especially if folks treat us kindly and gently. I don’t need to be made to feel worse with a bunch of, “Why didn’t you…?” And “You should have…” stuff. I just need ways to move forward and live the rest of our time together positively and happily. The horses and my inner circle are what keep me going!
This question made me laugh. I’m not the most energetic person on earth. But I’m more energetic than I was when younger, thanks to developing outdoor hobbies.
Wood sorrel gives natural energy! Maybe?
Admittedly, one thing that’s giving me energy these days is thyroid pills. Now that I have a dose that doesn’t annoy my gland, I do have more energy and I burn more calories during the day. I feel much more “normal” now in that respect.
Just thought this false foxglove was pretty.
Other things that give me energy are working on fun projects, at work or home. I’m enjoying my current work project and the temperature blanket.
First row of Part 3. Start of September.
When it’s not too hot (it was 104 today) I get energized working with the horses. I just don’t want to stop. Today was another overheating day, though.
Leave us alone. We’re eating.
And going into natural areas makes me extra energetic. I had so much fun running around identifying plants at the watercolor place yesterday! I get almost giddy at times like that.
Ooh! Muskmelon! Thrilling!
However, I’m sort of slug-like much of the time. I enjoy reading, knitting, watching nature and home renovation shows, and pool lounging, quite a bit. But that’s fine. I have an energy balance!
Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.
If I had known when I was younger that all the people I thought were just happily swimming through life were actually like me, confused, vulnerable, wounded, and misunderstood. (Insert other common issues here.)
I’m misunderstood. I’m not being friendly just so I can get hoof trimmings.
I didn’t really figure out that my perceived flaws and imperfections were shared by many of those folks I thought were so happy until I was well into adulthood, maybe 15 years ago. I’m glad I had a helpful therapist!
Here are beautiful golden rain lilies for all of you.
For example, when I asked my friend Anita to answer some interview questions to respond to another blog prompt, one of the women we went to high school with, who we thought was perky and popular and carefree at the time, wrote about how much we had in common in our teen years. If only we’d known back then!
Not everything is as it seems. This stuff came off Apache’s feet. Thanks, Sara!
So remember, friends, you aren’t alone. Take time to look past your stereotypes and you might find fascinating friends you can heal with.
Oh gee, it would be easier to say what I don’t like. That’s tripe, brains, and green bean casserole.
I especially don’t like those onions.
Well, it says “types of food” in the prompt. I’m that case, I’d say I like fresh food minimally seasoned and not full of fat. From that I guess you can figure out that classic French cuisine is not high on my list of cuisines. Too many sauces and other adulterations.
What I love is Japanese food, which is fresh and simple, and dishes that would count as part of “the Mediterranean Diet.”
I even have sushi undies. Hey, at least I didn’t show the matching bra. Thanks, MeUndies.
But honestly, I like most food. Variety is fun, especially with vegetables. I love them. Meat is fine, but I don’t need it every day. If I was cooking just for me, I’d eat more fish and chicken and less beef, pork, or venison.
Lest I sound overly healthy, I do love ice cream, Blue Bell, of course.
I had good food this weekend. The Italian food served at the 50th anniversary party we attended last night was very good. My favorite was the mushrooms in the chicken Marsala. Ooh there was a lot of flavor.
The cake was really moist.
And this morning I enjoyed a nice Mexican breakfast at a San Antonio favorite, La Familia. We were joined by a friend I’ve known since I moved from Texas and her high school sweetheart boyfriend. Eggs and green salsa go so well together.
Hooray for friendship.
I’m impressed I managed to write anything on this topic. I’d rather be telling you that rain lilies and sprigs of grass are appearing back home at the ranch.
Nope. It ain’t fun. But at least I diagnosed myself correctly!
So, my thyroid numbers were low and my metabolism was, shall we say, sloth-like. I had a low heart rate, was tired a lot, etc. So the Physicians Assistant I go to started me on medication, the standard dosage. Starting about five weeks ago, I took it correctly every morning before eating, and was proud of myself.
Sloth. Photo by Daniella Maraschiello
About two weeks ago, I started having a sore throat. I chalked it up to allergens or something. When the time came to renew the prescription, I wrote the PA and mentioned the sore throat, in case it might be my thyroid. He said it was probably just what was going around.
Me and my sad thyroid
What I knew was that I’d experienced an inflammation in my thyroid before. I was trying to prove to my kids’ dad that I could be all thin and athletic. I rode my fancy bike every day and impressed myself with my weight loss. I looked hot, for me. But I had a sore throat. Sure enough it wasn’t just the exercise making me lose weight. It was my thyroid going into overdrive. Dang.
I got all fixed up from that and was ok and thin (but not athletic enough to keep the spouse). Then I started experiencing horrible and weird pains (while the spouse was off cycling in the Italian Alps and meeting his buff future wife). It turned out the sudden weight loss had broken my gall bladder. It was not my best year. At least the spouse waited to move out until I recuperated from removing it. I appreciate that!
Italian alps. Wikipedia.
The point behind this trip up and down the Alps of memory lane is that I know what an inflamed thyroid feels like. That’s now established, as well as my lack of bile regulation.
Last night I had trouble sleeping, so I decided my throat pain was probably not some virus. I peered into it with my phone flashlight and didn’t see signs of strep. So I went back to the local clinic.
Where it hurts.
Thankfully, the other practitioner listened to me. She also felt my throat. That hurt. But yes! I DO have thyroiditis. The plan is to reduce the dose of the thyroid hormone so I won’t be a sloth but I won’t be zipping around either.
I’ll go back next week to reevaluate my precious glands. If it isn’t better, I get an ultrasound.
Hurry up, Mabel. She wants to exercise me.
Send me good vibes! I do not enjoy being sick. It’s been really hard trying to get the horses exercise, between the heat and the pain. They are sweet and patient as we do maneuvers at a walk on the hard, cracked dirt. But we aren’t exactly having fun.
I’m not having fun and you aren’t even riding me.
I do feel vindicated. I was not being a hysterical woman. I really am a bit out of whack (physically). We know I’m a pretty whacky person mentally!
Since I’ve been enjoying the solo part of my stay in Myrtle Beach, I’ve been doing my best to stay in shape, no matter how tempting lolling around in my room knitting and watching movies might be.
But if I stayed inside I’d miss all the flowers.
Since Lee left, I’ve been heading to the hotel gym and walking as fast as I can while the treadmill goes up and down. I hate when it goes to 9. But I zip along and burn those calories and log those miles. I’m not letting anyone see me to sit-ups, so I save that for in my room. This should at least keep my aerobic and core stuff in okay shape for trying to get back on the horses. I’ll miss a couple of horse events, but I don’t want to push them, either.
The blue plumbago didn’t cool me off.
Anyway, today I decided to walk outside. After all, it was “only” 90 degrees outside and there was a breeze. So, I went all the way down the boardwalk, at least as far as I’ve ever been. About when I hit the one-mile mark, I realized I was sweating a lot (I’m still not used to the fact that I sweat now, but it’s better than the alternative). By the time I turned around, I was wishing I hadn’t walked so far or that I’d brought money for a beverage.
Boardwalk views
But, I had no option but to keep going, after a little rest in the shade. I did enjoy some of the improvements they’ve made to the boardwalk and the landscaping. It’s looking a LOT nicer now. They’ve even installed “photo ops” in the little places where there used to be homeless folks hanging out. I’m hoping they found housing or alternate places for those people to hang out.
Cute turtle photo op.
It’s a lot less crowded this weekend, too, since school is starting or had already started in much of the areas around here. So, other than feeling overheated, I enjoyed the walk very much.
Hot Suna and a photo op.
I did make it back to the Ocean Enclave and quickly downed two glasses of water. The pool bar was very pleasant, since it was shady and the breeze was just great. Well, it was pleasant for people sitting there. Sarah was really hot trying to serve a never-ending stream of people wanting their fruity drinks.You can make good money in the summer doing bartending, but it isn’t easy being perky while never stopping.
Yellow Indian blankets.
I enjoyed my reward beverage, which was lime juice, lemon guide, ice and lime vodka. Let me tell you, that was refreshing! By the time I’d seen enough preseason football, I was feeling fine, other t han being covered by sand that had stuck to my sweaty legs.
I had to fight through this to get to the elevator. Ugh. Lots of arrivals.
The moral to this boring story is that you need to stay hydrated if you are going for walks in the sun and it’s hot, even when it’s just normal heat.
I was happy to find sweet everlasting in the wildflower area.
Back to reading, knitting, and eating cheese. I love eating whatever the heck I want, which seems to end up being cheese.
Time for more of that honesty that people either like or have become tired of lately.
Sometimes life feels like an unpleasant amusement park ride. I hate Ferris wheels.
I’ve been dealing with some painful consequences of mental illness for the past few weeks, both my own and the issues of others. I wouldn’t wish some of the struggles I’ve seen on anyone. It’s particularly hard, because it seems to come from innate struggles (along with “nurture” problems, many of which stem from being raised by people whose mental illnesses caused them to inflict pain on those around them). And I got so down that I managed to forget what caused it until a friend reminded me there’s a name for what I deal with.
Somewhere among my mother’s maternal ancestors, some powerful genes that make life hard for those who inherited them got wedged firmly in the family line. I don’t know how far back it goes, or which part of my grandmother’s family passed the issues on to her and her siblings, but wow, it left a strong legacy.
Moonrise in the night. Like a light in a dark time.
I’m going to say this: I love my children, but I’m sorry that I passed on the tendency to have severe depression, bipolar, learning disabilities, and narcissism on to them. I am truly grateful that they are not extending this line forward, even though the good parts (intelligence, artistic gifts, and the ability to write well) won’t move forward to future generations, either. That’s difficult to say but seeing how my family inflict pain on each other and how deeply it affects the two of us plagued by RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) I just don’t want it to continue.
I don’t blame any member of my mother’s family for behaving how they do and making the choices they make. A combination of inherited instability and “abuse” (for lack of a better word) can make people do weird things to try to bring peace into their lives. My sister has cut off the rest of her biological family from her life. I do understand how, from her perspective, it’s what she needs to do, but I can still wish she’d gotten the help she needed and enabled the family who love her, warts and all, to be a part of her life.
The view from my Rapunzel Tower at sunset
On the other hand, those of us who have had to try to find ways to deal with how members of my mom’s family treated us are probably better off ending that pattern. My insane drive to not be rejected or abandoned has led me to try way too hard to please people who can’t be pleased, and that’s not helpful to any of us. Anyway, the struggle is real, and I’m back on track to managing my own issues better again, and I wish everyone else well as they deal with their issues.
I’d actually gotten pretty darn good at not blaming myself for every single thing people close to me say, do, or seem to do in my messed-up brain. I just slipped, and as I was trying to express this morning when talking to a therapist friend, you can intellectually know there will be setbacks in mental health recovery, but your limbic system still gets all out of whack. Repeat after me: other people’s actions are their responsibility.
There’s where I sit.
Dealing with all this while holed up in a tiny room like a short-haired Rapunzel in her tower is not ideal. But I can always find ways to cope. At least I can watch Amazon Prime without worrying Lee about using up all our bandwidth. So, I watched three nice movies yesterday and that helped a lot! I watched Air, 80 for Brady, and Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris. All movies with strong women who made me smile.
Nice random people!The other side of sunsetA tiny bird who flew very high
Plus, there’s always random people you meet, along with the sunrises, sunsets, birds, and bats. This Rapunzel really isn’t trapped in her tower at all.
I’m beginning to think the answer to this question is a decisive “no.” I’m darned disappointed in myself these days, because I find myself falling into old patterns, forgetting lessons I thought I’d learned, and pretty much pissing off people I’d prefer to not piss off. And I sit here trying to work but with chest pains and a giant eye tic. Old patterns bring old results.
Like a moth, I need to stop flying into flames that aren’t the right kind.
And then, of course, rather than being gentle with myself and remembering that we always have ups and downs, I’m angry and disappointed with myself for being so needy and such an annoyance. Then I go on to remind myself that, for goodness’ sake, my little emotional turmoil and angst is not important in the grand scheme of things, and certainly not the responsibility of anyone other than me to deal with.
There are plenty of areas I can enjoy and not bother anyone. Like fish crows.
So, this blog is my attempt to remind myself that my issues are mine to deal with, and that asking for support or reassurance is not always a good idea. There’s a time and place for everything, including getting help with things I’m worried about. I’m really sorry that I’ve been a pain in the butt to people I consider in my inner circle.
I need to grow up!
Today I’m making a strong effort to remember my boundaries and respect the boundaries of others, to keep my inner circle small and trustworthy, and to stop thinking I’m a part of things that are truly outside of my realm. That last one keeps biting me on the butt, like when I thought because I was part of the ownership team of a company, I was entitled to know more about what was going on than I actually am. Today I thought I needed to take care of details about the vacation rental I own but realized that’s not for me to worry about. I just stick my nose into everything when I’m not careful! Time to be more careful and stop being annoying. And for sure, no one needs me to provide updates about anything.
Why am I whining when I have this nice place to hang out? I can be a doofus sometimes!
I’ve enjoyed lecturing myself today. I think it helps to write it down, and by sharing it on the blog, I think I’ll be more likely to hold myself accountable and do keep doing the things I need to go to get back to loving myself, staying out of things I have no business getting into, and most important, remembering I’m not the only one with issues so it behooves me to treat others the way I’d like to be treated.
In other words, it’s time to grow up. Again.
(I’m fine, don’t need advice or professional help (I have it), and just hope people who care will help keep me accountable.)
I was looking around my bathroom after a shower and started laughing at myself. I realized I’ve amassed quite a collection of matching “beauty products” over the past few years. Yes, I love things that smell like a (real) rose.
I can’t grow roses for the life of me. This ranch is just not cut out for it, and believe me, I’ve tried. But I have loved the smell since I was much younger. I remember paying a lot of money (for an impoverished grad student) for attar of rose oil from my local purveyor (who, believe it or not, is still out there purveying). Pansies remain my favorite flower to look at, but roses are right there at number 2. How do I know? As I was blogging away, I lifted my head and saw this:
Yes, my view is two pieces of pansy art and one piece of rose art.
Back to my bathroom, I recently discovered my absolute favorite rose product. It’s an oil sold by Doterra, that I’ve been using on my face at night.
Smells good AND works
This Moringa Rose Nourishing Oil has kept my face calm and cool while I am outside so much and sweating a lot. Normally I turn quite red, but this (along with my morning stuff) has really made a difference. And OMG what a great smell to go to sleep with! I have no idea what moringa oil is, but it feels good.
The oil came with a “hydrosol” spray mist that I put on my hair, or all over me after swimming. It’s nice and light. I’d run out of my previous rose mist spray, so I am glad this came along.
(Secretly, if I advertised it, I could sell Doterra products, so you could get some of this stuff for yourself. I’m not a high-pressure sales gal, so this offer won’t be repeated any time soon.) By the way, the rose duo re-stocks July 1, I just discovered when I went to order a second set, so I won’t ever run out.
I need roses in the morning, too, but I found something that doesn’t cost mega-bucks that cleans me up and prepares my old and wrinkly face for my moisturizing stuff. I like this Garnier Micellar Cleansing Water in Rose (of course), because I can put it on a cloth or cotton pad and wipe it on. I make a huge mess trying to splash water all over my head, which is why I switched from Rodan + Fields cleanser when it stopped being a cream I could wipe on.
Bargain but good!
If I want to smell really rosy and won’t be around Lee any time soon, I have a selection of rose perfumes and colognes. The one I use all the time now is one I got in Colorado whenever I was last there. First, it comes in a beautiful bottle, and second, it’s quite realistic. Some rose perfumes smell fake. Rose perfumes can also be heavy, so I’m glad this one has hibiscus to perk it up. Get yourself some here. I get nothing from this link, other than happiness.
The hibiscus makes it less overwhelming
I am not done, nope, not by a long shot. I have to shower, don’t I? That means I need shampoo, moisturizer, and bath gel. Of course, I found the right stuff.
And there are no harsh ingredients!Can’t go wrong with Olay
I do have rose deodorant, too. Sadly, it doesn’t smell particularly rosy to me. I think it smells more like a coconut. I like coconuts, though, so I’ll use it up and see if I can find something I like better next time.
IMMEDIATELY! No stinking for me!
I have no more photos, but I happen to know there is a bath gel and cleanser in the RV from the Body Shop. I need to smell good when traveling. Now, that’s not true. I get pretty grimy after all those hikes and explorations. But, I try.
I hope you liked this little change of pace and glimpse into my beauty product lair.
The Hermits' Rest 