Ramblings – Page 34 – The Hermits' Rest

Found Out What’s Wrong with Me!

Well, I found out one thing that’s wrong with me. More accurately I have finally identified the name of the syndrome that reflects the set of symptoms I’ve been trying to cope with my whole life. And great news, it’s not curable! To be honest, though, just knowing how I feel is an actual “thing” that other people share helps a lot. Here’s how I came to realize that I have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). I have words for my mental issues!

As sometimes happens, the same message kept coming to me yesterday. First, one of my Master Naturalist friends posted about a book she was getting ready to read, The Courage to Be Disliked, by Ichiro Kishimi and Funitake Koga (2018). It’s not a brand-new book, but I hadn’t heard of it before.

If I hadn’t heard of it before, how is it on my desk?

I said in response to the Facebook post that it sounded like a book I needed to read, given my weird drive to act in ways that I think would make people I care about like me. She posted a link to the book, and I resolved to get a copy. Then, this showed up on my Facebook feed.

From Tiny Buddha, one of my favorite sources of inspiration.

I went to tell Lee about that coincidence, and he said I didn’t need to buy the book, because he’d already bought it and gotten through some of it, but he wasn’t enamored of the style. Sure enough, there it was (and that’s how I got a photo of it). Obviously (at least to me) the Universe was trying to tell me something!

And the Universe was right. I’ve shared before how I’ve been hurt by people judging me and how I seem to attract people who feel the need to let me know just exactly how awful they think I am. If it’s someone I don’t care that much about, I handle it pretty well (like our former contractor’s wife who took it upon herself to write me a letter telling me why she didn’t want to be my friend, because of…whatever, who cares?). I had another one of those happen just last month.

Do I want to hide in a cool dark place like this toad? Sometimes. Don’t we all?

Some do hurt. A former coworker I was always there for when bad things happened to her, who I listened to cry and bemoan the loss of pets and partners, etc., told me that no, she didn’t want to have lunch with me before she moved away to be happy with her new partner, because she only had time to see a few people, and you know, we’d see each other on social media. Ouch. I got to enjoy seeing photos of all the people she did care about enough to see.

Here, Suna, enjoy some hardy flowers. That will help.

Those are just examples. Therapy and long discussions have made it clear to me that I’m not always the one with the problem, and that my sensitivity to rejection came from childhood when my mother’s mental issues made her unavailable to me and my father’s conditions on love made me go well out of my way to be perfect to make him like me. This continued with future relationships and led to all sorts of mental mayhem for me. But, I’ve got tools to help me deal with it now, for the most part. Just sometimes, one backslides.

It does sorta make me feel prickly as a buffalo bur, but hey, flies like them.

I backslid last night. I spend nearly all night lying awake watching a parade of my (perceived) mistakes, hurtful things people have said and done with me, especially family members on my mom’s side (my great aunt wrote and demanded a beloved ring be returned because I was not a good enough niece, and my half-sister just up and left one day (taking nothing with her) and hasn’t spoken to me since last fall. I don’t even know how to get in touch with her other than through a third party. Members of my mom’s family have just never liked me, for exciting reasons like I’m a bastard (Mom didn’t annul her first abusive marriage), I was “fat” (leading me to do the Atkins diet when it first came out and I was only 11 years old to try to make them stop picking on me), and I didn’t do very well with “children should be seen and not heard.”

Yeah, TMI, Suna. Too bad, it’s my blog. I ended up posting the link to the Tiny Buddha, then in the middle of the night, I wrote:

I’ve been awake most of the night dwelling on how many times I’ve tried to change who I am to get people to like me. Starting from childhood, so it’s a long list. I get hurt so deeply by rejection and some people have relished doing it. I get better then I backslide. I know it’s normal to do that. I’m working not to be so hard on myself when I let it get to me. I keep repeating that no one is universally beloved!
agitated Suna

I immediately regretted it, because when I re-read it, I felt like it was just begging people to say they liked me, but that actually wasn’t my intention. I am completely aware that there are many fine people who like me!

On the other hand, I’m so glad I did post it, because a wise friend of mine (whose dear friend is one of those people I truly love and care about who got mad at me and disappeared without telling me why) said (paraphrasing), hey, that looks a lot like Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, something that comes up a lot in the ADHD world. Another wise woman posted this link, which opened my eyes WIDE in the middle of the night.

Here’s what the article, “Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and ADHD: What to Know,” said:

The symptoms of RSD can vary among individuals, but they may include:

Obsessively thinking about negative experiences, especially experiences of perceived or actual rejection (only last night)
Perceiving rejection when it is not actually occurring (me)
Viewing minor rejections as catastrophic (me)
Misreading constructive criticism, or requests for more information as rejection (me, but I’m lots better)
A sense that you’re not liked by others (me, but often I’m right)
Low self-esteem based on how you feel others relate to you
Social withdrawal (me)
Negative self-talk (formerly me)
Emotional outbursts (rare now but unpleasant)
Perfectionism or people-pleasing tendencies (sadly, formerly me)

Although symptoms of RSD can mimic other conditions, one distinguishing factor is that symptoms of RSD tend to come on suddenly and can feel very intense.

This article: What Is Rejection Sensitivity? provided me with more “aha” moments when it defined rejection sensitivity, which isn’t quite the same as RSD.

Misinterpret harmless or mildly negative social cues or behaviors as blatant rejection (improving)
Ignore other explanations or reasons for the perceived rejection, including reassurances from the perceived rejector (I try not to do this)
Expect rejection and overreact to any type of negative social cues (me)
Be avoidant and anxious in romantic relationships (me)
Pay more attention to all of the times they were rejected than the times they were accepted (working on this)
Evaluate every interaction for perceived rejections (I don’t think I do this)

I don’t do all those things, but wow, this hits so close to home. I can’t tell you how many times I have been told I’m too sensitive, that I over-react, etc. It gets to where I have a hard time identifying when I am actually being treated poorly, so I let it go on a lot longer than I probably should, thinking it’s all in my head. I end up avoiding certain people or situations, so I won’t do that embarrassing overreaction to criticism. Lordy.

And of course, there aren’t any great drugs other than the kind I already take to deal with my anxiety. The article also suggests “cognitive behavior therapy, and stress-relief strategies.” I have those up the wazoo! And they do help, so much of the time.

I guess I’m writing all this down to remind myself that I have challenges to deal with and that I need to be gentler with myself when I can’t cope as well as I’d like to. Certainly, rehashing every mean thing anyone ever did to me is not helpful AT ALL. So, I now know what it is that I’m dealing with, and I’ll get on with dealing with it. We all have our struggles and challenges, and mine at least lead me to try to be kind to people! (I do not think I have ADHD, though, so lucky me, I got the RSD without that issue.)

These animals like me, which is helpful.

So, thanks to everyone who rallies around me and supports me. While the line above about putting more emphasis on negative feedback than positive may have been true in the past, I am much better now about really appreciating the people around me who are kind, who listen, and who patiently remind me that they do care, even when I repeatedly ask.

And to those of you who need to give me negative feedback, know that much of it IS appreciated and taken in the constructive spirit it’s given…it just takes me a while to get there, thanks to the RSD.

Who Says I Don’t Have Friends?

I have some, but most are online friends. I have some local ones, but the only one I’ve seen for the past month is Tarrin, and she got paid to show up. Just kidding. It’s my fault as much as anyone else’s!

I had a nice chat with this friend today. She said it was hot outside. (Obscure bird grasshopper)

My car has had a flat tire since before we left for California. At least it got me home. There’s been just too much going on to get the tire off and take it in to get fixed or replaced. So I have gone nowhere except to the hospital to see Kathleen.

This friend and I chatted while I fed the horses. He said he appreciated the shade. (Differential grasshopper)

Yeah. I’m also working my butt off. No time to galavant around Cameron. Work is good though. I feel appreciated!

You know who is no longer my friend? The UPS driver. She’s stopped dropping off by the garage and now dumps heavy boxes buy the road. Today I had to wrangle a 45-pound bag of coconut stuff for the horses. I was glad I had a wagon!

My wagon is a great friend! These are the boxes huge feed containers came in. The wagon also helps with all my hay moving.

I have no idea what’s up with UPS but I’ll just deal with it. No time to fume and fuss. I’ll just be grateful for good things, like Kathleen being back again and looking better.

Wine, yarn, and a white dog friend will keep me positive, too.

What’s a Micro-affirmation?

That was my question today, when my Facebook friend Gene Deel posted this:

[T]he opposite of a micro-aggression is micro-affirmation (or as my workplace calls it, ‘microsupport’) – “displaying small and subtle acts of kindness, caring, and appreciation”.
Facebook post

I’ve read about micro-aggressions for years. They are often things people do that they don’t even realize that they are doing and may not even consciously intend (like moving away from someone wearing insignia of a religion different from yours). Many people who are minorities in their communities report that micro-aggressions exhaust them.

I can sense hostility in others, but am not sure if I consciously notice micro-aggressions, myself. So, I was very happy to discover there are also micro-affirmations! I began to wonder what those would look like. Is it nodding in support when someone is sharing something difficult, smiling during Zoom meetings, leaning in toward someone who seems to be struggling?

Maybe we could just spread bubbles or confetti everywhere? J/K. Photo by *@criene via Twenty20*.

I was not really sure, so I looked it up and found an interesting article, called “Not-so-random acts of kindness: How you can use micro-affirmations to fight unconscious bias in the workplace.” Aha! Back when I was working so hard to learn about unconscious bias, this would have been a useful concept to share. I guess it’s not too late!

The article gave workplace examples, such as praising coworkers in public, saying hello in the hallway, or bringing up details of something they mentioned earlier (to show you value them and pay attention). These are conscious acts that any of us could do to help counteract micro-aggressions.

I think this would count as a macro-affirmation. Photo by *@tdyuvbanova via Twenty20*

I like that the article reminds people to do their actions naturally and authentically. Then they say to use appreciative inquiry, which I always feel sounds forced, but maybe that’s because I’m not good at it.

In any case, I’m just starting to think about this, but I do believe that consciously making an effort to treat the people you come across equally and kindly can make the world a better place. It might counter-act some of the hostility, negativity, and aggression that swirls around us sometimes.

I’ll just send some cheer by showing you my new nails. They are shiny with gold flecks in the sunlight. Pretty darn spectacular. I just hope someone gets to see them other than me!

What do you think about micro-affirmations? Too hippie-dippie or a good idea?

Cultivating Calm

I read today that what horses want is peace. No wonder I like horses. I, too, crave peace. And calm. It’s been my goal all my life. I do not crave excitement, uncertainty, or the unexpected. But, guess what? That stuff shows up all the time. What to do?

I found a moment of peace when the afternoon sun visited my bathroom.

I’m relieved that my anti-anxiety meds have kicked back in. They are really helpful for me. They don’t make me calm, but they do give me a better attitude about uncertainty and the unexpected. They help me detach a wee bit.

Knitting is something that has kept me calmer my whole life. Today I put this sweet knitting corn husk doll that my sons gave me on my little display shelf someone I used to know made me.

Calm and peace. You do have to work on them, but it pays off! For example, my work laptop has been a bit off since I got back from this trip. Just little things were happening until yesterday afternoon, when my webcam stopped working in the middle of a fun meeting. It didn’t work today, either, but because I didn’t get all upset and pissy, I was able to patiently wait until the Logitech help person found a solution. Yay! I stayed calm and didn’t just order another one.

Goldie was doing this while I was fixing the webcam. Distracting!

And just as the camera was fixed, I had another meeting. Throughout the meeting the sound of the Zoom phone ringing kept playing. For an hour. I just laughed and tuned it out. What else could I do? I cultivated calm and just dealt with it. Go me.

I’m calm, too, even though I have all these gangly legs.

There’s so much going on here that keeping on an even keel is important. My vacation helped. The horses help. Having great conversations with my son helps. Lee helps. All of you help. Keep spreading peace, calm, and lovingkindness. The world needs it.

Hope Is a Lily

Today I was walking around the property wishing it would rain again. I looked down and saw this ray is sunshine.

The rain lilies always surprise me. We only got .6 inches of rain a few days ago, but these copper lilies popped right up for their yearly visit. Glorious.

Get out of our way, leafy plants, we’re blooming!

It’s so dry and parched here, which matches many of our moods right now. But the strength of these plants, which just need a wee bit of encouragement to push through and be their fabulous selves, gives me hope. I hope that our efforts to bring forth love and peace can push through like these lilies.

These rays of hope nourish others, too, like these sugar ants. Can we?

The copper lilies brought a smile to my face and planted a seed of hope. Well, technically I guess the hope is a hidden bulb full of strength. That metaphor will do, too.

The Burden of Perfectionism

Hey folks, just wanted you to know I am on a more even keel today. I had a great talk with my therapist, made an appointment for more medications, and have had some very helpful conversations with friends. It takes a village to drag someone out of a pit, and I’d say I’m 3/4 of the way out! The most important realization is what my therapist told me: no matter how much you have learned, how much work you’ve done on yourself, and all that…circumstances will occasionally pop up that send you down into a pit. None of us are immune. You just have to remember you’ve gotten out before and will again. Yes.

Soon I’ll be dancing every day with my Droodles (photos from the horse show Saturday by Tarrin’s kind son)

One reason I was beating myself up so much recently was that when I let in all the negative self-talk, it brought up how hard I have always worked to be good at what I do. In my family of origin I felt like I was not worthy of love unless I was doing well at whatever I tried. I had to be the best. Coming in second in the spelling bee devastated me. I still remember the word: adolescent.

My insistence that I had to succeed to please my parents (eventually just my dad) led me to some decisions I’d later regret, like sticking with grad school way past the time when it was bringing me any pleasure. I felt like I owed it to them to succeed because they’d sacrificed so much to help me academically (the amount they funded each year for my undergrad was just a thousand dollars, but it was huge in a one-income family with a sickly matriarch). And I felt I owed it to the National Merit Scholarship people, then whoever gave the fellowships that got me through grad school. I felt I had to do well to justify their confidence in me.

So when I failed, it really hurt. I’m just not comfortable being mediocre at anything without putting a lot of work into beating down that discomfort. And hey, guess what, we’re all mostly medium at most skills and activities, at best! I am not the world’s best knitter, but I enjoy knitting. I am not the world’s great writer, but I love writing.

Something that helps is talking to a friend, like my horse (or my trainer, or my therapist, or a friend)

When I was already way down in the dumps, perceiving that I was not getting any better at horsemanship just crushed me. Was it true? No. I am doing fine according to the only person who is qualified to judge me, my trainer. And, just like I didn’t cause all the trouble with my marriage, it takes two to do horsemanship. Drew just can’t turn right. Drewlander.

It’s a curse, if there’s such a thing, to be driven to be the best at everything. A drive to excel and do well, that’s fine. But we can’t all be number one. And in some things, it’s nice to be cozily ensconced in the middle. When I am at equilibrium I’m just happy to always been learning. Ugh, I hate falling into the hole and putting myself down like I think my dad would have. Ugh.

No training photos from today, but look how the grasshoppers all line up on the shady side of the cones. We are overrun.

By the way, today I had great lessons with both horses. I’m not a failure with Drew: he has right turn issues. And Apache and I are making so much progress that I hardly recognize our partnership. It really helps to have some actual riding instruction–I sorta know what I’m doing now, and so does he.

Wishing you all healing, strength, and persistence in these hard, hard times.

When Your Feelings Are No Longer Squelched

Note: I realize I am a privileged person who has nice things, food, shelter, and a good education. My family that speaks to me does their best to support me. And I am NOT blaming other people for my perception. That’s on me! As I repeatedly state in my personal blog here, I’m grateful for that. No need to point that out to me when I share that I’m struggling.

Feeling bad can distort your perception of reality just like a weird mirror on a trailer.

I feel like shit. I was feeling okay for a long time, and now I realize it is because, like so many people these days, I had used medication to numb my feelings and help me cope with reality. Reality, today, especially if you’re a woman in Texas, Yee-Haw USA, sucks.

Reality is hard on a personal level as well. One thing that medication did for me was enable me to sort of sit back dispassionately and watch how life goes on at the soap opera known as the Hermits Rest Ranch and not let it get to me. Things happen, people do things, I get stuck in the middle of situations I don’t understand. With medication, I just say, “Oh, that’s just so and so being who they are…no need to internalize the consequences.” So, I am able to deal with the kinds of treatment I normally would be devastated by pretty well. I’m able to forgive and just drop things, knowing that we’re all messed up and doing our best.

The best or worst thing about the medications (depending on how you look at it) is that I am able to resist the urge to stand up for myself or call out behavior, knowing that every time I’ve done so for the past few years, I’ve been gaslighted or been treated to that classic technique of being blamed for causing my own problems. Me standing up for myself tends to go horribly, horribly wrong. And it achieves nothing other than upsetting others. So, I’d rather not stir the pot, since I know I’m no better than anyone else, with my sarcasm and things I say when stuff leaks out that aren’t kind.

Now is my life horrible? No. There’s great stuff in my life and right here at the Hermits’ Rest. I was generalizing about difficult experiences that aren’t constant but that, if I’m being honest with myself, are hard on me. Of course, knowing what a hard person I am to be around, I know I’m very taxing on everyone who has to be around me! My only point is that the medication made it easier for me, and that I’m having trouble now that I am feeling things harder. I don’t want to subject the people around me to un-squelched Suna!

Would I like to be my authentic self in my own home? Yes. I could probably relax more. Is it a good idea? No. This is not a safe place to share feelings about the state of the world or my inner dysfunction. I crave peace and love. So, sometimes I have to sacrifice to get one or the other. Don’t we all? Perhaps.

I’d love to share some of the challenges I face here in my personal blog, because I think it’s good to present a balanced picture of life, which is imperfect and not always easy. But there is a long list of things I’ve been requested to not mention. That makes my sharing of my life sound often like I’m living in a paradise of privilege with no problems. But that’s not true. There are health issues with everyone in this family but me (and obviously I have a mental health issue). We have a business that is struggling, I think. Not really sure. I sometimes feel unsafe in my own home, since I’ve given up a lot of my firmly held beliefs so that others can do what makes them feel comfortable. And those vague generalities are as far as I can go. Holding things in can make them leak out in weird ways when you’re unmedicated, though.

For example, there are dreams. Oh my gosh, I have been having horrible dreams about people from my past berating me for all the mistakes I have ever made. That’s quite the parade, let me tell you. My estranged son, his father, numerous people I dated, my father (always my father, who is the reason I am so afraid of being yelled at), friends from high school (including the one I did not have a baby with when I was 17), ex bosses. Whew. I wake up and read bland news items about nature to get the dreams out of my head. They keep coming. I would like to re-squelch them.

It’s overwhelming. I am not coping well.

If you’re my friend in real life, reach out to me sometimes. I suck at reaching out. I hate to intrude. But I realize that vaguely saying I’m not feeling well isn’t too useful either. These are hard times. Many of us are struggling. I’m not alone in having a genuine meltdown and personal crisis. But I want to admit it and say that I’ll listen to YOU if you want to talk.

And I love every single imperfect person in my life. That’s why I’m still here rather than checking out, which is mighty tempting right now. Well, that and the horses. I can’t leave the horses, too. And dogs.

Things I Want to Say (some borrowed from my spouse)

Anyone who has managed to read through my mental health drivel now gets to read genuine opinions by uncensored me. If I piss you off, unsubscribe, block me, or stop speaking to me. You won’t be the first. But people like me keeping quiet, I think, has helped the world get to where it is.

It is every-so ironic that the woman-hating judge Clarence Thomas claims to be an “originalist” and that every word in the God-given US Constitution must be taken literally is not even a PERSON in the original constitution. He is a black guy! FFS!

It is every-so ironic that all the gun worshippers who also claim to worship the God-given US Constitution don’t realize that if we really went by it in its original and perfect state, as delivered by God from Mount Vernon (or wherever it came from) don’t seem to realize that if they are too poor to own the property on which their homes have been set, they would not get to vote. Only land-owners who are also genuine 100% man-humans got to vote in the version handed down by the Blessed Forefathers.

By the way, I read in a book (I know, I’m one of those doomed intellectuals who use those as sources of facts) that the MEN who wrote the US Constitution were, in fact, people, not deities. They drank, swore, cheated on their chattel…err…wives, owned slaves, and made numerous errors, like humans do. Not gods. Not perfect. Not able to predict the future.

And didn’t the God in the Bible used by most Christians say to not have any other gods before HIM? Wait a minute. Guns? Constitutions? Trump? Aren’t those not Jehovah?

DO NOT TELL ME TO VOTE. I VOTE IN EVERY PODUNK ELECTION IN THIS PLACE. I EVEN HELPED ONE PERSON WIN, ONCE. EVERY OTHER REASONABLE CANDIDATE, I DID NOT HELP.

Besides, the people or entities who are creating the society we live in today have nothing whatsoever to do with this illusion that we are voting for who represents us or that those people represent anything other than money and power.

We Sizzle in the Summer

Today, Sara and I headed back to the lovely Watts Way arena for our fourth Working Horse Central show. I’d hoped Drew and I had improved enough to get some significantly better scores, but, I’ll have to be satisfied with knowing we’ve improved regardless of our scores. I’ll just keep trying.

The big highlight for me was watching Saragorn and their blossoming partnership. Now that Aragorn is feeling better in his feet, he’s just amazing to watch.

She also had fun. One of the auditors was kind enough to take these great photos for us.

They were beautiful during the dressage patterns, and would have been even better over the obstacles if it weren’t for “user error.” Many of the competitors had some lapses, so she wasn’t alone. It was still great to watch.

As for me, I remembered most of the patterns for dressage, but honestly, I’m just not good at running beside a horse, and have no idea how to do some of the requirements I was unaware of. So, bleh. I tried. And he turned right much better!

There are no photos of that, so here is Drew looking cute.

I did way, way better on the obstacle portion, getting lots of 8 out of 10. Drew trotted, too, though apparently broke gate (started walking) but I had a hard time noticing. I dropped my whip, but still did 3 barrels the harder way. I was proud. I even nicely changed from leading him on the left to the right.

Unfortunately, I totally didn’t do one of the easiest obstacles. I even prepared for it! But people were asking Sara questions as she called the numbers, and skipped it. I got a 0. No one even told me!

I’m not upset about that, though, because stuff like this happens! I just know I’d have gotten a very good score if I’d done that right. As it was, I got a good one. Sigh.

We RAN when we were done. We were so happy. That’s before we realized the oopsie. I can’t believe I can run that much.

We got to meet some new people at the show, which was fun. We also got to see great improvements in some familiar faces. At least one horse was so calm and compliant and her rider so composed…it was hard to tell they are the same pair!

Every single horse had such kind and caring human partners! Even when mistakes happened, the riders were patient and encouraging to the horses. I was very impressed.

Another beautiful horse with a great bond with his rider.

Now for the highlight of the show. The final part is where riders see how quickly they can go through a set of obstacles. There are many ways for this to go horribly wrong. But damn, Saragorn put on a real show. Sara didn’t play it safe, and Aragorn was up for the challenge. They NAILED it both in execution and speed.

I’m the old woman reading the obstacles Sara

There are no photos of this, because I was calling the order of obstacles, but when Sara finished, she urged Aragorn into a canter and took a victory lap, waving gleefully. It was great. Sara said it was a lifelong dream come true. I was so happy for her!

I guess it’s time to dust off my self esteem, which is low for reasons not having to do with my poor horse and his need to learn more. It’s more than the return to the Dark Ages. I’m needing some encouragement and had hoped for some today. Eh. Humanity is hard. Look at these horse pictures.

We are so grateful to Tarrin and her family, the lovely scribe, and everyone else who helped with the small but mighty Summer Sizzler Show. It was hit, but the show started early and got through it!

I’ll treasure my happy moment when I thought Drew and I had done well!

Drew looking particularly bony at 5:30 am

Product Endorsements? Sort of

Yesterday I got some new items to add to my arsenal of products that protect my health. After all, I’m in really good shape for someone my age, according to my doctor. You see, I looked up what could be causing the disturbing symptoms I’d suddenly started having, where my knees hurt so badly I could hardly walk, and I kept getting leg and foot cramps. Since all signs pointed to not drinking enough water and taking in insufficient magnesium, I’d sought to fix that. I immediately upped my water intake even more (I keep forgetting to have a drink nearby when I’m out with the horses), but I knew I needed more.

I’m so cute that my horse keeps kissing me. Vlassic thinks it’s cute, too.

Some of my friends had been drinking little packets of powder that they put in water to help when they are outside in the heat. They were pretty good, but to me they seemed to generate a lot of trash. When I saw something similar that resembled old-fashioned Alka Seltzer tablets, I was intrigued. Reading the ingredients list pleased me a lot.

I got the Nuun stuff yesterday, and discovered I liked them just fine. They aren’t too salty and sweet like Gatorade products can be, and I appreciate that they are sweetened with Stevia (but not too much). And look at all those things that will help my body! Potassium! Magnesium! Other stuff!

This does not look bad for me, unlike Diet Coke.

So, I now have a package of it in the tack room and one in my knitting bag, so there will always be some nearby. I’ll probably stash some in the horse trailer or the car, too. I got plenty.

Getting this Nuun hydration helper reminded me to check what else I’m putting into myself. I only take two supplements, both of which have made a difference in my life. One is the Doterra turmeric capsules. These have both the essential oil and the powder in them. Yes, yes, there’s no black pepper in there (that is supposed to make turmeric work better, and I wanted to nip those comments in the bud). I eat enough of that as it is. I have been taking two of these per day for a couple of years now. I honestly think that is why I’ve been feeling so much better physically for quite a while: my body is less inflamed. I had lots of inflammation issues before. Now, nope, not a problem. I’ll just keep taking these. I order them from me, by the way, since the only thing I sell is essential oils (and I think I’ve sold two things to someone other than me: I’m not a sales person).

They are pretty, too.

The other supplement I take is a combination of probiotics and B vitamins. The probiotics are “live” I guess. Whatever they are, they have kept my notoriously sensitive stomach in better shape, and I don’t have to worry about being low on any of those vitally important B vitamins that I have a hard time getting in food some days. I get plenty of D and C in my food, which I prefer to multivitamins, since they stick with you better.

Take one look at me and you’ll know it hasn’t made me magically thin. On the other hand, my weight is quite stable.

The probiotics and anti-inflammatories seem to have combined to make me feel physically the best I have in my whole life, and I think the ingredients in the fizzy drink tablets are the final thing I needed. I’m ready to go play with horses in the heat, I guess!

Other Things I Like

In the past year or so there’s been a shift in my self-perception, and I feel a great deal less “ashamed” of my appearance. I used to use colorful, baggy clothing to hide my body and a lot of makeup to hide my perceived flaws. Thanks to the pandemic and some soul searching I’ve stopped caring. I’m wearing clothing I find comfortable but allow my arm flab to be seen in public. Nothing bad has happened.

Arm flab! Giant ears! Wrinkles! Natural hair color!

I quit wearing makeup except when I want extra sunscreen. And I only wear mascara when I feel more girly than usual. And, as I admitted earlier this year, I quit shaving my legs AND wear shorts. I am even seen by others in a bathing suit. New Suna! I do still take care of my face, though. So here are my face product endorsements.

I have been using this since it came out. Great for rosacea

I do hate it when something I love changes. I am displeased more than I probably should be that the Rodan+Fields cleanser for sensitive skin went from a lovely cream I could wipe off to a weird gel that I can’t tell if it’s gone or not. It’s the New Coke of expensive cleanser. Sigh. I’ll talk to my friend who sells it, though, because wow, the rest of the line has made my face happy. It’s not red anymore, so I don’t need the Clinique foundation!

There, now you know how I got to where I feel comfortable in my skin and healthy. I’m proud. Oh, and all those glasses come from EyeBuy Direct. They do a good job.

Nope, I don’t get paid for endorsing things. I’m just sharing.

Mojo Sinking

Wondering if Jim Morrison was singing about mojo rising. Mine is sinking. But I had the energy to look up that song.

Mr Mojo Risin is an anagram (A word, phrase, or name formed by rearranging the letters of another) for Jim Morris name. He believed or at least stated he was going to be reincarnated and come back as Mr. Mojo Risin. Nov 17, 2021
https://m100group.com/2021/11/17/who-in-the-world-is-mr-mojo-risin-what-does-even-mean/

Ok. Fine, Jim. Meanwhile, work is kicking my butt and the wind has given me a headache. I had to put all the plants in a safe place thanks to the weird wind and African dust in the air.

I honestly love this job but I can only write so many things a day now that I’m older. But two people complimented my work today. That keeps me going, knowing I help people learn and that they aren’t bored.

Tuesday is just hard. I was working by 6:30 am. Long day! But I swam and bonded with the animals once I was done, which helped. I even made dinner! Beef stir fry that everyone seemed to like.

So, I’m gonna relax and work on this “snake” I am crocheting. I think it is a blanket from leftover baby blanket yarn.

So, no deep thoughts today. Just some photos from around here. Take care! I know my mental fog will clear soon. All these things would be great blog fodder. Too zonked. Minus mojo.