Ramblings – Page 25 – The Hermits' Rest

No Fun Being Sickly

Nope. It ain’t fun. But at least I diagnosed myself correctly!

So, my thyroid numbers were low and my metabolism was, shall we say, sloth-like. I had a low heart rate, was tired a lot, etc. So the Physicians Assistant I go to started me on medication, the standard dosage. Starting about five weeks ago, I took it correctly every morning before eating, and was proud of myself.

About two weeks ago, I started having a sore throat. I chalked it up to allergens or something. When the time came to renew the prescription, I wrote the PA and mentioned the sore throat, in case it might be my thyroid. He said it was probably just what was going around.

What I knew was that I’d experienced an inflammation in my thyroid before. I was trying to prove to my kids’ dad that I could be all thin and athletic. I rode my fancy bike every day and impressed myself with my weight loss. I looked hot, for me. But I had a sore throat. Sure enough it wasn’t just the exercise making me lose weight. It was my thyroid going into overdrive. Dang.

I got all fixed up from that and was ok and thin (but not athletic enough to keep the spouse). Then I started experiencing horrible and weird pains (while the spouse was off cycling in the Italian Alps and meeting his buff future wife). It turned out the sudden weight loss had broken my gall bladder. It was not my best year. At least the spouse waited to move out until I recuperated from removing it. I appreciate that!

The point behind this trip up and down the Alps of memory lane is that I know what an inflamed thyroid feels like. That’s now established, as well as my lack of bile regulation.

Last night I had trouble sleeping, so I decided my throat pain was probably not some virus. I peered into it with my phone flashlight and didn’t see signs of strep. So I went back to the local clinic.

Thankfully, the other practitioner listened to me. She also felt my throat. That hurt. But yes! I DO have thyroiditis. The plan is to reduce the dose of the thyroid hormone so I won’t be a sloth but I won’t be zipping around either.

I’ll go back next week to reevaluate my precious glands. If it isn’t better, I get an ultrasound.

Hurry up, Mabel. She wants to exercise me.

Send me good vibes! I do not enjoy being sick. It’s been really hard trying to get the horses exercise, between the heat and the pain. They are sweet and patient as we do maneuvers at a walk on the hard, cracked dirt. But we aren’t exactly having fun.

I’m not having fun and you aren’t even riding me.

I do feel vindicated. I was not being a hysterical woman. I really am a bit out of whack (physically). We know I’m a pretty whacky person mentally!

What’s the Opposite of a Glimmer?

Many of you enjoyed looking for glimmers after yesterday’s blog post. I loved hearing about them. Today I discovered the opposite of a glimmer, which I decided is a glower (rhymes with “power”). It’s a sudden, intense feeling of pain or negativity that quickly passes.

My glimmer today was finding this little grasshopper sitting beside me on my chair. I had a buddy.

I experienced a glower when I stepped into the swimming pool after my sweaty horse time. I trod directly onto a non-dead honeybee on the step. Sudden, intense pain occurred on my second toe. I got the stinger out quickly, thanks to my tweezer-like fingernails. Then I stayed in the water a while. I don’t think I got much venom in me. By the time my swim was over, my toe was fine. So I had a glower.

Insert imaginary bee here

I’m a poor photojournalist, though, because I decided to wait to get a picture of the bee, who was at least spared drowning and got to express her rage. By the time I got to the phone, the blustery winds had sent her off.

Yeah, winds. A mere 60 miles to the south of us, a tropical storm brought a bit of rain. We once again got clouds and wind. Sigh.

I experienced Freundenfreude (opposite of schadenfreude) with my happiness for my friends’ in Travis and Williamson Counties’ good fortune. Good for them. We will stay crunchy, however.

I gave the horses different food bowls. Maybe the one in the middle there won’t take these out into the pasture.

The wind was helpful, though. I was able to ride Apache briefly and we both lived. Whew. I am semi confident that we will get back to our regular schedule soon. I sure hope so.

The tack room quarterly cleaning is also complete. No fainting occurred.

Nope, Nada

I have nothing today. The only time I left the room was to get all the condo staff to try to find Lee’s driver’s license. He later found it.

I’ve enjoyed a lot of diabetes drug commercials today.

Other than work, I had a nice phone chat with my dear friend Mike, who is conveniently going out of town when I’ll be camping in his neighborhood. We are like ships passing in the night. Well, only he goes on a lot more ships than I do…back on topic, I also colored another page in my coloring book with questionable grammar.

I did this psychedelic stuff while watching Everything Everywhere All at Once. It was one psychedelic movie. It’s fun when the star is also a martial arts expert. I see why Michelle Yeoh won so many awards.

There was no Barbie movie this evening, since my friend was busy moving a desk. It was heavy. I understand. Oh well.

I’ve done a good job entertaining myself this past week, though I didn’t expect it to be THIS solo. Next time I’ll remember to get a two bedroom place so people can visit. I didn’t do a great job making friends this visit, though of course there was Bill and Steve. I’ll try again!

My flowers stuck with me the entire time I’ve been here.

I’m a good friend to me, though! Way to go, Suna self esteem.

Whee! Crazy fun HGTV watching fun times!

Tomorrow: book review!

Myrtle Beach versus Cameron

I promised someone that I’d write a more cheerful blog post today, and since I’ve been having such a nice day today, that won’t be hard. I’ve been mulling over how to share some of my observations about this part of the world versus where I live, and I think I’ve got a plan now. Let’s go, as I’d say in a training video.

What’s the Same in MB and Cameron

This is the easiest comparison. The main best thing about both Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and Cameron, Texas, is that all you have to do is sit around and you’ll meet someone interesting. I’ve made great friends in Cameron by just going to a restaurant, bar, or meeting and chatting with whoever is next to em, and that’s certainly the same at Myrtle Beach. Here at this condo place, you know you have something in common with everyone there, because you all either own or are considering owning a week or two of timeshare, that great business investment (ha ha). Networking skills are useful here and in Cameron for sure.

Just this visit, I’ve met Steve, Bill, and their families, who were so welcoming and hilarious. Plus I’ve chatted with fun people in activities, as I’ve shared, and all I need to do is sit at the bar and nice folks will show up. It’s really fun to have people come up and tell you they enjoyed talking to you the day before, or even better, you find someone you have all sorts of weird things in common with and want to be FFFs forever. That was my afternoon today and the lovely woman I met.

Same picture from yesterday, of a Ferris wheel

Also both places are diverse in many ways. I love how many shades of skin tone and different languages I hear in both places. There are indeed things that are improving in much of the US.

What’s Different in Myrtle and Cameron

And now for my observations about what’s different.

The birds are very different. We have lots more birds in Cameron this time of year than in Myrtle. I’ve seen very few shore birds, just mainly my buddies the fish crows, nighthawks, ospreys, and pelicans. Well, of course there are pigeons and seagulls, but I expected more. No egrets.
Vape shops are the new pancake houses. Last year we were counting pancake restaurants, because there were so many, but this year I was amazed at how many vape/smoking/dispensary places there are. If you need a hookah fix, you’re covered in Myrtle. I guess they must have passed some law that encouraged all these businesses , which have expanded greatly in the past year. (See maps at end of blog.)
Candy shops exist. Wow, there are so many candy shops here. There’s a lot of ice cream, too. I mean, Cameron has places to get ice cream and año cones, but wow, you don’t have to go far for a sugar fix at Myrtle.
There aren’t as many dogs. I don’t see anywhere near as many dogs in Myrtle as I do in Cameron, or even in Hilton Head. Of course, there aren’t any beach dogs here. There aren’t any in Hilton Head this time of year. And no dogs run free in the parts of Myrtle where I’ve been.
Rain happens. It keeps raining here! What’s up with that? Still no rain since June at our house, though some folks I know have seen a shower or two.
There are very different noises. In Cameron you hear the train from most of the town, and from the ranch you hear a lot of loud pickup trucks and gunfire. In Myrtle it’s endless helicopters full of tourists, They pass by at least every minute or so during the day unless it’s storming. You also get sirens when there are beach issues, whistles from lifeguards (especially when a storm is coming), and the fireworks that some tourist place sets off every night. Every night. I’m glad the dogs aren’t here.
There are way more Ferris wheels in Myrtle. Way.
The weather reports are very different. In Cameron you see what counties are under various degrees of drought and where the current wildfires are. In Myrtle, you get the tide reports and fishing outlook. I know the name of certain buoys in the ocean now.

Last night’s storm caused much lifeguard whistling. I saw water spouts.

Yes, now that I’ve gotten a better frame of mind, I’m enjoying my time alone. I’ve enjoyed many movies and a weird television show about Australian flowers. Every day I’ve been going to the gym and making sure I walk really fast for at least two miles. I want to be sure I’m still in good aerobic shape when I get home to the horses. That does involve a lot of sweating, which is how I ended up at the beach bar chatting with various vacationers. I wanted to dry off and have a cold beverage!

This is from last night. Sarah is tired.

And of course I’m knitting, I’ll share my latest progress, which adds many more hot days to the temperature blanket. I ended the previous row on July 13, and we already had two days over 105°. It’s the saddest part of the blanket!

And I’m reading a lot in the book about Florida history I was given. I’ll tell you what, I’m no longer “proud” to be descended from early Florida residents, even though I realize some of them were forced to come there. Those conquistadors were pretty nasty folks.

Thanks for showing up, kind readers. You’re all appreciated.

Mental Illness Runs in Families

Time for more of that honesty that people either like or have become tired of lately.

Sometimes life feels like an unpleasant amusement park ride. I hate Ferris wheels.

I’ve been dealing with some painful consequences of mental illness for the past few weeks, both my own and the issues of others. I wouldn’t wish some of the struggles I’ve seen on anyone. It’s particularly hard, because it seems to come from innate struggles (along with “nurture” problems, many of which stem from being raised by people whose mental illnesses caused them to inflict pain on those around them). And I got so down that I managed to forget what caused it until a friend reminded me there’s a name for what I deal with.

Somewhere among my mother’s maternal ancestors, some powerful genes that make life hard for those who inherited them got wedged firmly in the family line. I don’t know how far back it goes, or which part of my grandmother’s family passed the issues on to her and her siblings, but wow, it left a strong legacy.

Moonrise in the night. Like a light in a dark time.

I’m going to say this: I love my children, but I’m sorry that I passed on the tendency to have severe depression, bipolar, learning disabilities, and narcissism on to them. I am truly grateful that they are not extending this line forward, even though the good parts (intelligence, artistic gifts, and the ability to write well) won’t move forward to future generations, either. That’s difficult to say but seeing how my family inflict pain on each other and how deeply it affects the two of us plagued by RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) I just don’t want it to continue.

I don’t blame any member of my mother’s family for behaving how they do and making the choices they make. A combination of inherited instability and “abuse” (for lack of a better word) can make people do weird things to try to bring peace into their lives. My sister has cut off the rest of her biological family from her life. I do understand how, from her perspective, it’s what she needs to do, but I can still wish she’d gotten the help she needed and enabled the family who love her, warts and all, to be a part of her life.

The view from my Rapunzel Tower at sunset

On the other hand, those of us who have had to try to find ways to deal with how members of my mom’s family treated us are probably better off ending that pattern. My insane drive to not be rejected or abandoned has led me to try way too hard to please people who can’t be pleased, and that’s not helpful to any of us. Anyway, the struggle is real, and I’m back on track to managing my own issues better again, and I wish everyone else well as they deal with their issues.

I’d actually gotten pretty darn good at not blaming myself for every single thing people close to me say, do, or seem to do in my messed-up brain. I just slipped, and as I was trying to express this morning when talking to a therapist friend, you can intellectually know there will be setbacks in mental health recovery, but your limbic system still gets all out of whack. Repeat after me: other people’s actions are their responsibility.

Dealing with all this while holed up in a tiny room like a short-haired Rapunzel in her tower is not ideal. But I can always find ways to cope. At least I can watch Amazon Prime without worrying Lee about using up all our bandwidth. So, I watched three nice movies yesterday and that helped a lot! I watched Air, 80 for Brady, and Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris. All movies with strong women who made me smile.

Plus, there’s always random people you meet, along with the sunrises, sunsets, birds, and bats. This Rapunzel really isn’t trapped in her tower at all.

Do We Ever Grow Up?

I’m beginning to think the answer to this question is a decisive “no.” I’m darned disappointed in myself these days, because I find myself falling into old patterns, forgetting lessons I thought I’d learned, and pretty much pissing off people I’d prefer to not piss off. And I sit here trying to work but with chest pains and a giant eye tic. Old patterns bring old results.

Like a moth, I need to stop flying into flames that aren’t the right kind.

And then, of course, rather than being gentle with myself and remembering that we always have ups and downs, I’m angry and disappointed with myself for being so needy and such an annoyance. Then I go on to remind myself that, for goodness’ sake, my little emotional turmoil and angst is not important in the grand scheme of things, and certainly not the responsibility of anyone other than me to deal with.

There are plenty of areas I can enjoy and not bother anyone. Like fish crows.

So, this blog is my attempt to remind myself that my issues are mine to deal with, and that asking for support or reassurance is not always a good idea. There’s a time and place for everything, including getting help with things I’m worried about. I’m really sorry that I’ve been a pain in the butt to people I consider in my inner circle.

I need to grow up!

Today I’m making a strong effort to remember my boundaries and respect the boundaries of others, to keep my inner circle small and trustworthy, and to stop thinking I’m a part of things that are truly outside of my realm. That last one keeps biting me on the butt, like when I thought because I was part of the ownership team of a company, I was entitled to know more about what was going on than I actually am. Today I thought I needed to take care of details about the vacation rental I own but realized that’s not for me to worry about. I just stick my nose into everything when I’m not careful! Time to be more careful and stop being annoying. And for sure, no one needs me to provide updates about anything.

Why am I whining when I have this nice place to hang out? I can be a doofus sometimes!

I’ve enjoyed lecturing myself today. I think it helps to write it down, and by sharing it on the blog, I think I’ll be more likely to hold myself accountable and do keep doing the things I need to go to get back to loving myself, staying out of things I have no business getting into, and most important, remembering I’m not the only one with issues so it behooves me to treat others the way I’d like to be treated.

In other words, it’s time to grow up. Again.

(I’m fine, don’t need advice or professional help (I have it), and just hope people who care will help keep me accountable.)

Through the Woods We Go

Today’s travel day took me and Lee from Baton Rouge, Louisiana to Valdosta, Georgia. Before we left, I got in a walk to a park behind the hotel, where I saw a couple of interesting plants, many non-native. I also enjoyed watching dozens of high school baseball players getting ready for a national tournament. No wonder it was loud last night.

Much of the day featured interstate highways through commercial forests. It took longer than we expected, because there was construction and a big delay due to a horrible accident where a semi truck appeared to have slid sideways a long way off the road. Not a happy start.

Occasionally I got to see some non-forests, like in Mobile and other coastal places. Mostly it was trees. Good thing I like them.

I worked much of the day, including before and after the drive, but I got a lot of knitting done, too. This little jumping spider decided to join me and hop all over my project. I sure enjoyed watching it moving its eyes and mouth and checking things out with all those legs. I think it was a paradise jumping spider (Habronattus coecatus) but I’m not sure.

The trip got more interesting when the GPS took us off the interstate near Quincy, Florida. We then embarked on a magical hour or so traveling through small towns and beautiful rural properties of north Florida and South Georgia.

We went through long stretches of road where it seemed like the trees were reaching out toward us to envelop us in green. With the draping moss, the overgrown old homesteads being taken over by immense crape myrtles, and the wooden fences…I felt like I was in one of my dreams of being home. I was so entranced in the deep woods that I forgot I had a camera. It was so Gothic. There was even mist rising from bogs. This is some beautiful country.

It’s places like this, far from my everyday world, that remind me of why the Deep South is so beloved by people from there, despite the legacy of hardship for so many, despite societal changes. It’s so peaceful, quiet, and still. It engulfs you.

And here we are in small-town civilization (Valdosta)

Tomorrow we see more of Georgia before heading through South Carolina. Some of the trip will feature back roads. But today created plenty of moody memories to get me through boring highways and lookalike suburbs.

What I’d Change Today

What would you change about modern society?

I looked at this question at just the right moment. I’m not my usual disappointed but quiet self on this particular topic. I’m actually feeling nauseated after reading that a nearby university has fired professors for criticizing the Governor of this fascist-leaning state and leading a liberal arts group. Fuck that. So, here’s what I’d change about modern society:

End the encouragement of divisiveness and distrust of fellow citizens. It does indeed distract folks from what’s actually going on. Not good.
Stop the headlong slide into fascism and dictatorship here and abroad. My Goddess, World War II wasn’t THAT long ago. I remember people making fun of Germans for following an obviously crazed and dangerous leader. Why is it cool now? Just because you’re pissed off that the gays, blacks, and others who were always here now get a voice, too? It doesn’t have to be us or them. We can ALL have a right to a good life.
End gun worship. Guns aren’t your children, best friends, or deities. They are tools that improperly used by people who hate their fellow humans to kill your children and best friends.
Make lying bad again. Let’s value truth and other positive character traits in our leaders, not lies and cruelty to others.
Remind “Christians” of what Jesus actually taught or find another word for the faction that’s giving Christianity a bad name. The Trumpians do not love their neighbors, care for the least among them, or welcome people different from themselves.
Stop censorship. Period. You can share your anti-human crap all you want, but let us share our thoughts, too.
Give women the autonomy to make my their own decisions. After all, we all used to live inside someone with a uterus.
Value life. Yes, even after conception. Care for our children, our elders, those of us with special needs, city dwellers, rural people…you know, people who are alive. I still can’t figure out why protecting children ends after they are born, leaving them to be abused, shot at, or worse.
Care about the planet we live on and protect its residents. I’m not saying don’t eat food. Just treat animals and plants well and manage them in positive ways.

Other than that, everything is fine.

I’d love to just fly away to somewhere peaceful. Where would that be, though?

I know I don’t live in a place where my dreams will come true. But I’ll do my part.

Remember I care about you even if you disagree with me. I’ve been patiently unfollowing people and snoozing others. I’ve deleted comments I know won’t make a difference. But I beg you, readers, to consider that someone from a different background may not be evil, and that there are many good, kind, and morally upright folks out there that may not share your spiritual or political beliefs.

Some glad morning when this life is over
I’ll fly away
To a home on God’s celestial shore
I’ll fly away…

Keep your beliefs and convictions. It’s your right. But. Please stop belittling others. You may be belittling someone you love.

Security for Me

Are you seeking security or adventure?

It was a pretty laid-back day, so I’ll answer the daily prompt. It’s an easy one! I’ve never been the adventurous type. I’m not especially fond of trying new things. I like comfort and familiarity. That’s why I have a good imagination; I can do risky things there.

Besides, I don’t have to go far to find beauty.

As I age, this is yet another of my proclivities that has mellowed. I’m finally trying out saying yes to invitations, moving outside my comfort zone, and just taking one step forward and seeing what happens.

Once again, the horsemanship experience has provided a relatively safe place to be adventurous. I learned to ride alone (until I got hurt). I then learned to communicate better with my horse. I finally trotted and didn’t die. Now I enjoy it. Maybe before Apache turns 20 we can canter together. That’s adventurous.

Sara realized that Apache, formerly known as Dingle or Dinghy, showed up at her house 14 years ago today. He was 4. I am hoping he stays as healthy as he is for a few more years! We both started our adventures together rather late, but we’re getting there.

Two things impress me about this picture of my two friends 14 years ago. One, his mane is so white. Two, Sara still wears that cap.

I think I’m always going to prefer security. My mind can go far as long as I feel safe in my home and loved by those who matter to me. it takes all kinds!

I hope this tiny caterpillar stays safe. It’s on a passion vine tendril that curled as I held it.

Anger Is Not My Friend

I don’t get angry often. My dad, who was usually funny and kind, scared the poop out of me when he got angry. And I’d cry. I ended up trying to avoid volatile people my whole life and still cope very poorly with being shouted at, even when I’m just perceiving it that way. One of my many “areas for growth.”

Birds are gathering here. Swallows on the front porch roof.

Because of all this, I’m terrible at expressing anger. I either cry or am so scary that I get criticized and berated for it. I try to let things go, breathe, and not let things beyond my control get to me. Until I don’t.

I regret to say I got angry and yelled at two people today. One person I really shouldn’t have expressed anything to, even though I wasn’t wrong to get upset. I’d repeatedly asked for something not to happen but it did anyway and I got a huge feeling of powerlessness and loss so I uncharacteristically yelled. Ugh. I should have just gone inside and cried over what I lost. Nothing will bring it back.

This kind of anger isn’t simple. Sadness and grief were I’m loved. There were underlying annoyances that I’d been keeping to myself that burst through. Not my finest moment, and I’ll have to be apologizing for not keeping things to myself better.

The second time I got angry was simpler. I was driving to lunch and came to the big four-way stop sign at a major-ish intersection not far from the ranch. This stopping place has red flashing lights, stop signs that frantically blink, and signs saying stop ahead.

I was slowing down, you know, to stop, as one does, when a big, white SUV flew through the intersection at over 70 mph (speed limit had lowered to 60 before the sign). The vehicle did not slow down one bit, and after I blew my horn, I watched it continue down the road at the same rate of speed until it finally stopped at a red light. I was glad to see the car had brakes.

That light, and a convenient slow truck ahead of the SUV enabled me to catch up to it and get a photo of the license plate. If you know this guy, tell him he could have killed someone today.

When we got to the main intersection in town, I needed to turn right, while SUV guy needed to turn left. I pulled up and saw an elderly fellow. I honked my horn and yelled “Please stop at stop signs!” Like that did any good at all.

Everyone at lunch said he probably wondered what was wrong with that hysterical old woman in the sporty car. He probably thought I was having hormonal issues.

Hmm. I do look a bit manic or like Goldie just passed gas nearby. Or like my dad. I’m angry Mr Kendall reincarnated.

I shouldn’t have road raged at the guy. I’m in Texas. He could have shot me. I have remained calm the rest of the day and will figure out how to make amends.

No one’s perfect. I’m sure not. And maybe it was the heat. 106° today. But I need to learn not to beat myself up for being human and be gentle with myself (and others). Sigh. Enough navel gazing. I can try again tomorrow.