Ramblings – Page 17 – The Hermits' Rest

Suna, Stop Being So Hard on Yourself, You Doofus

Oh, Self, you are still listening to a long-ago admonition you think your dad made. You think he expected you to excel at everything you tried to do, and at least be in the top 10% (whew, that excused that B in PE and Algebra 2 that made me not the best in high school—I was not athletic or mathematical until much later in life).

This volunteer portulaca also doesn’t like math. It interrupts the grid.

I’ve always felt literal shame if I got a bad review at work (my interpretation of “bad” was anything other than world’s greatest employee). I just never took criticism well, for no good reason. I just was screwed up from childhood. I’ve gotten better, but when people I care about give harsh criticism, I still fall apart. Nonetheless, honest, I’m way better. I do realize I don’t have to be perfect to be valuable and lovable. In fact, some/many people like me just the way I am, and I BELIEVE it!

Still, I let myself fall into old patterns over the weekend and was all disappointed that Apache and I didn’t rank well at the horse show. At the time, I told myself I was being ridiculous, because we did the best we could, considering our health.

I’m glad Tarrin finally got to use some of her 4th and 5th place ribbons. That means lots of entrants!

Well, I was really being a doofus (just gently ribbing myself), because when I took the time to look at the results, I actually got my best scores with Apache in all the areas except the last one , when I was just trying to survive without passing out. And that was as good as the last show.

I have to remember that Apache really didn’t know how to run properly without a rider, much less with a fearful, bouncing old lady on him!

So, this just presents a confirmation that comparing yourself to others is not at all good for you. The other riders were simply better than me, and on their own path to improve their own skills. As Sara said to me, I’ve come farther than she ever thought I would. I agree. We aren’t talented or young, either of us, but Apache and I keep at it!

I’m proud of our spirit and grit, even if we’re not going to be the “best!” We’re our best.

(By the way, Drew and I are getting along much better.)

Goodness Gracious I’m Good

What are you good at?

One thing I’m good at is having a consistent meditation practice. I’m not good at some of my more spiritual things (not very expert at Buddhist practices or very organized as a nature worshiper). But by gosh I’m gonna meditate every day. It’s good for me. If meditation offends you, then, I’m silently praying.

My meditation view isn’t as good as it was last week, but there are still flowers.

Hmm, that’s not what I intended to write about, so let’s find something else I’m good at…observing nature! Yeah! I’m extra good at that, and sometimes wish I could have worked as a naturalist in some fashion as a profession.

Striking caterpillar of the Wilson’s Wood-nymph moth

But, I’m also good at writing and editing, so I did get to use that throughout my working years. I can even write academically, but since I became a technical writer, I’ve stuck with simpler word choices and sentence structures, so as not to obfuscate my scintillating pontifications.

That’s not funny, Apache (couldn’t resist posting another yawning photo)

Of course, I’m good at knitting and crochet. I’m crafty, but not necessarily artistic.

I also hope I’m good at supporting my friends and family. That one waxes and wanes, and as long-time readers may know (I do have a beloved child and petulant sister who I did not support to their standards). But hey, I went to see the niece Kathleen in the hospital for her latest spider bite and brought her flowers and a card (along with son and partner). I’d have visited sooner, but I kept thinking she’d come home quickly. Her body just does not deal with spider venom.

Snakes are looking for her. (Non-venomous)

I like all those positive things I’m good at. I used to be very good at putting myself down, blaming myself for everything that went wrong, and contorting myself to try to get people I cared about but who didn’t care about me to change their minds. I’m glad I stopped being so great at those unhealthy traits! I could not make that guy in grad school, my previous spouse, nor my next-door neighbor like me. Now I think it’s their loss.

Also good at overheating and doing that lip thing. Me doing both of those yesterday.

Let’s all try to get very good at cutting our losses and moving on from relationships and situations that aren’t good for our self esteem. I’m quite good at these proclamations. Hear ye, hear ye!

What I Learned About Freedom from Salman Rushdie (Book Report)

What does freedom mean to you?

I just finished reading Knife, by Salman Rushdie. In case you never heard of him, he’s a novelist who dared poke fun at a religious figurehead and had a fatwah put out in him. That means someone pretty humorless wanted him dead.

Knife, and some future reading material.

Regardless of the merits of his writing or his attempts at humor or anything like that, it had to be hard living with bodyguards 24/7 and always wondering when the assassin would show up. That’s the opposite of freedom to me, maybe worse than being imprisoned. In prison you know where all the murderers are.

Tiny Calf says she’s gonna hide in the grass.

He eventually got to where he didn’t worry about being attacked anymore, but then he was. The book is his way of getting his processing done. I guess since he gets paid to write, he decided to publish his memories and their effects on him rather than writing in a journal, or blogging like us other self-absorbed people.

By the end, though, I think Rushdie comes out free. He’s free to live the rest of his life without dwelling on what happened, his attacker’s motivation, or looking over his shoulder constantly. He’s faced death and knows what it’s like.

It’s probably not true, but birds always seem free.

That’s freedom: being able to live without worrying that someone or some institution is out to kill you, confine you, or strip you of your rights. In this case, I’m not free anymore. I’m no longer confident that women can be free in this country.

I digress as usual. As for the book, it was okay. There were some genuinely funny parts, and I give Rushdie credit for doing his best to be introspective, but he comes across (to me) as someone who has a great need to prove how smart he is. He extensively quotes from world literature when I swear he could just say what he meant rather than forcing the reader to remember every book they ever read (IF they happened to be literature majors) and draw the proper inferences from it.

I felt like there was going to be an essay test at the end.

He also quotes himself, or his novels, repeatedly. Is he trying to sell books? I didn’t end up dying to read any of them, which is good, since I have some good ones queued up already, thanks in part to kind people who keep handing me books.

I don’t use enough polysyllabic words or quote enough European fiction to even want to quote myself.

Now, I do feel for the guy. He went through a lot, lost vision in one eye, and has a permanent droopy mouth. He does seem pretty chipper for someone less than two years after nearly dying. He sure made Jon Stewart laugh when he interviewed him.

So, freedom is not a buzzword for me. It’s the ability to live in your society with a reasonable about of agency and feeling safe among your community members.

I always disagreed that butterflies were free. They are little mating and egg-laying instinct-driven beings. Pretty, though.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll be less dour. But here’s an example of why I’m that way: I didn’t share the link to yesterday’s blog about what public figure I dislike most on Facebook out of concern that it might put a target on my back. So, freedom? Not so much.

Career Daze

What is your career plan?

I’m sort of past the career planning phase. I am pleased with what I eventually accomplished in my rambling career path. I helped lots of people learn various things and succeed with their research, parenting, or business goals. I parented two people who grew to adulthood and are contributing to society. And l learned a lot!

I guess I went through all those stages, and became a butterfly whose mission is fulfilled but still wants to fly around some.

Now, as I approach the traditional retirement age, I have no desire to stop helping others or learning. I really have no desire to stop doing my current paid job, but if it ends, I’ve got plenty to do and ideas for more nature education activities.

So, no plan. Just possibilities. As a pretty healthy person in early old age with enough income to support myself, I have the luxury to wait and see what’s next.

Time to be strong as I can and fly, like a tiger bee fly.

What shall this privileged person do to improve her world? We will see. I just need to stay positive and open to possibilities.

Enough drivel for one night.

You Know What They Say about Good Deeds

Right? No good deed goes unpunished! I experienced one of those times today. I’m not upset at all, but shaking my head. There are just so many ways to look at things!

It’s like a scene viewed through different lenses.

I’m standing in the same spot, just using different camera settings. Things seem different, too.

Today I finally got around to do something about the bees who decided our propane tank access hole was a good place to start a hive.

They had moved under the piece of insulation we put over the pipes rather than leaving when all the rain came. It turns out bees like rain, according to Heath, the bee removal guy we called.

Thank goodness Jeremy from the Bling Box remembered this company had posted ad ad on Facebook and gave me their number. They showed up after work, having driven from Temple.

It took little time for our docile bees to get gently vacuumed up into the special bee vac (really a small shop vac with modifications). Heath got the queen and most of the workers, though a few were probably out foraging. I feel bad for them coming home to no sisterhood.

Safely sucked up. Glad my bees weren’t Africanized.

I felt good that I’d not killed them just because they inconvenienced me, and that we helped a small business.

That is, until I responded to a post in a FB group about bees dying from visiting poisoned dandelions and said I’d tried to help some honeybees. I promptly got a response lecturing me on how honeybees aren’t native and that they’re hurting native bees and that any good biologist (such as the man (of course) writing the response) knows they should be eliminated!

Even the dogs won’t look at me. Tsk tsk.

I said, “Okay, thanks.”

In my view I was helping insects who live near me. In his view I was hurting others. We both have good intentions.

Thinking about native versus nonnative can get you deep into rabbit holes. Many common living things here at the Hermits’ Rest aren’t native, like those chirping fools the house sparrows, or those mega-swarming starlings. One type of dove I hear daily is an Eurasian Collared Dove. Must be Eurasian. The wildflowers have many introduced species in their mix, too. Even the common dandelion isn’t native.

At least you aren’t going down MY rabbit hole.

What to do? Eliminate them all? Or are some so well adapted they are okay now?

Should we build a cactus border wall to keep out non natives? Oh wait. Plants can’t read maps.

I don’t t know. Maybe I’ll ask in Master Naturalists tomorrow. I want to be a good steward of my land, but I’m not sure I have the strength to scorch the earth.

Otherwise, all is well. I sure appreciate the nice feedback on yesterday’s blog entry. Having supportive folks around makes it easy to have a good life.

Community Devolvement

What do you do to be involved in the community?

I used to try my best to be involved in the community near which I live. (Is that English?) I discovered that it can be difficult to do good where you’re new and different. So in the end, I’ve devolved to doing one community outreach activity and participating in two groups of people with similar interests. That’s plenty, and at least so far, I’m still welcome in these groups.

If I can’t make friends, I can always rent them.

Obviously, I enjoy being a Texas Master Naturalist, though being President during COVID wasn’t fun. I love being able to talk to folks about our shared interests, learn about nature, and teach others. While it has its bureaucratic aspects, as organizations do, it hasn’t turn into a mean girls cult like the nonprofit I used to be involved in, and it’s not so “woke” that it turns into bullying, like the denomination I was once a member of. So far, so scientific.

The horse community I’m a part of now is another way I’m involved. We are supportive of each other and get along well, in spite of differences. I especially love how young people and elders are both respected and valued here. It’s a small but mighty community free of elitism and rampant competition. We all want to learn!

Poor Apache had sweat bubbles in his butt after his lesson. He’s getting back in shape!

Other community things I do include hanging out with mostly like-minded friends once a week and patronizing local businesses. It feels good to help keep shops and restaurants going in a small town!

Watching improvements happen is encouraging, even from a distance.

The bad experiences I had with a couple local groups were disappointing at the time, but you can’t force people to like you or want to work with you. It reminds me of a Facebook post I saw today where someone points out that you can’t control your reputation – it’s someone else’s view of you. But you can control your character – it’s who you really are. With my odd personality, I’m a hard person to like, but I try hard to be a good person.

The bad experiences I’ve had when I tried to fit in shouldn’t have surprised me but they did. Hmm.

At first, when I found out how I was viewed by some folks in the community and was asked not to represent a business I thought I was part of, I was hurt. When I was bypassed after offering my services to a community group, it stung. And when a fellow board member verbally attacked me and tried to harm family member’s reputations, but no one on the board defended me or tried to keep me from resigning, I was shocked. But these were good lessons to learn. To reiterate: you can’t make anyone like you. And it’s fine.

Now that I pick my involvement more carefully and don’t attach my self worth into belonging to anything, I feel more free to give what I can. Devolvement did me a lot of good.

(My mental health has been better than it is right now, so pardon the negativity I’m spewing. I blame all the rain.)

If I Could Do a Job for a Day

What’s a job you would like to do for just one day?

The first thing I thought of on this topic is something I’d probably do for many, many days. I’d like to work at a State Park as a nature interpreter and do guided hikes to help people see what they don’t realize is all around them.

I have to admit it. Most of this blog is me doing just that.

Look, a sad ground crab spider, purportedly!

Well, it’s my blog, so I might as well do what I enjoy. I’m sure you’d rather read about birds and butterflies than about my self confidence issues and internal struggles, of which there are many right now. Zzzzz.

The best Nature news today is that it didn’t rain much. Maybe some of the water can head down to the aquifer. After removing much mud and hair, I tried to walk Apache some today, but everywhere we went had standing water. But, hey, we walked briskly and he was fine with it! He’s better at last!

No horse picture, so look! A green heron!

Same deal with Drew, sans grooming, but we at least spent time together and bonded. He bonked his head on mine in an unfortunate gate/wind incident, but we both handled it well. He did get Fiona’s leftovers out of the deal. She didn’t eat because I’d wormed her. Everyone else took the wormer just fine.

Look! Something shaped like a worm! It’s a checkered white caterpillar. Those guys have been busy.

I thought I’d share with you what I encountered after getting the mail today. Dozens of snout butterflies. The soundtrack is dickcissels.

A few butterflies

And that’s it for today. I hope we all get to do our dream job, at least for a day.

Branded

What are your favorite brands and why?

I think people get too attached to brands, especially when they are trying to use them to impress others. I should know. I bought a Prada purse once. It was the best buying experience I ever had. Wow, rich people get treated nicely in stores. And it was/is a great purse. It will last forever.

Purse is at right. The left one is Coach. Used them when I worked in an office. Dog is another story.

But, my brief period of trying to keep up with the Jones’s is over. I now focus any brand loyalty I develop on quality or aesthetics. Things don’t have to be “on trend” to be of good quality or pleasing to my eye. Upon reflection, I find that many of my brand loyalties are focused on comfort, ergonomics, and texture. Examples.

Current frequently worn shoes.

I love Skechers shoes. They do come in some fun colors, but mainly they are very comfortable and keep my feet happy. As someone who has a “thing” for shoes, this switch to a more practical style is a big deal.
I also love cowboy boots, especially Lucchese. Those are a texture thing. I love the feel of quality leather. Plus they are beautiful yet useful. Good ones are very comfortable, too.
I really love a well designed automobile with comfort and style. I’ve loved every Jaguar car Ive owned. My current one is a compromise, because Lee can’t get into a sedan or sports car anymore, so I lost the British Racing Green one with saddle tan leather interior. But the one I drive now has red leather seats and every safety and convenience feature I wanted. I could live in this car. It’s so easy and intuitive to use. And it goes vroom when necessary
I’m loyal to my Color Street nail strips. Yes, I know there are less expensive brands. I also find them rubbery and of lower quality. Since they’re still way less than salon nail treatments, I’m happy.
I like Apple watches and phones. Less of a learning curve. I stick with Dell computers. That’s based on familiarity and reliability.
I stick with AT&T cell service. No clue why except my dad worked for them via various mergers and name changes. That’s not a great reason.
I like H-E-B and Publix grocery stores. They are clean and have options. I can’t remember what I liked in Illinois, which had neither chain.
Let’s see, what else? Crest toothpaste, meUndies socks and underwear, Bluebell ice cream, Kerrygold butter, Church’s fried chicken, Dawn dishwashing liquid, Tide detergent, Diet Coke Zero (my primary vice), Folger’s coffee (I just like it), Hilton hotels (because that’s where my points live).

That’s enough of that. Most things I’m brand neutral on or prefer hand-made.

Flooding continues around here. It’s worse in other parts of Texas but pretty bad here. Plants and ducks love it.

Where the cattle were yesterday.

Looking north up Walkers Creek. You can barely see a fence top.

Walkers Creek headed south

The other side of the trees in the previous photo. That’s usually a field.

Wood ducks irritated at my presence

Horses aren’t pleased. At least Apache is finally shedding out. I can pull clumps of hair off him. I’d planned to groom him twice today and at least walk Drew around, but there was only one good break in the rain. When I went to feed and medicate, he was too wet to brush.

Lots of hair. More still left.

More rain is coming. Oh boy.

It’s Like Riding a Bicycle – Information, Not Advice

List the people you admire and look to for advice…

Okay, I’m not going to list everyone I admire! Some of them do t want to be blogged about, anyway. And advice? An organization I used to work for had a catchphrase something like, “Offer information, don’t give advice.” I rarely ask for advice these days. But I appreciate information from trusted sources.

That said, I have always found doing tarot card readings to be a way of providing information and perspectives without giving advice. You get some ideas from archetypal images and let the person you’re reading for draw their own conclusions. Ideally.

Celtic cross with significator, using Babylonian Tarot.

I hadn’t been reading cards much. The reading above was years ago in a previous post. Since 2018, I haven’t really wanted any insights into things around me, sort of feeling like ignorance may be bliss. But I’ll read if asked.

So today I was asked. I then realized my favorite Robin Wood deck was hiding somewhere in my Austin house stuff. And I was feeling rusty, especially since the only deck I could find that wasn’t overly cutesy was one with alternative names for suits, and worse, had labels on the cards giving them meanings I didn’t necessarily want to hear.

This cheerful card did come up. The good news is no one can stab you any more. They’re out of swords.

However, the reading went fine. Like riding a bicycle, it all comes back. I just love looking at what is laid out and seeing a gestalt of what the cards are hinting at before looking at details. That is FUN. And helping people with problems look at things from a new perspective is rewarding. (Plus I got to talk to an old friend.)

Maybe if I locate one of the decks I’m more comfortable with, I’ll do more, just not for me or my family. I have a friend who’s a professional tarot reader who doesn’t do family readings.

(I’m sure somewhere in this blog I talk more about out tarot and how I use it, so in a few words, no I don’t predict the future and no it’s not a parlor trick. It’s intuition and archetypes.)

I’m glad I was home and able to spontain a tarot reading, since not much else happened today. More rain and wetness! 100% humidity means I had big hair. I did get to see a big ole jackrabbit, which is pretty rare here, and continued to get the buntings more comfortable with me. I enjoy both the painted and indigo ones singing and flitting around.

You can practically tell that this is a bird! They’re getting closer!

I hope you have trustworthy advisors, but even more, I hope you have the wisdom to make your own decisions based on good information, and if you get a tarot reading, don’t take it literally. That’s my advice.

Innate Direction

What gives you direction in life?

After the hiccups this week, I’m ready for a shift in direction, but I don’t really need one. Little challenges help keep me focused on the big picture, not the tiny dots that make up the totality.

It’s like the temperature blanket, which I need to look at like this every so often, to see the winter flowing into spring. Mostly I look at individual squares.

Today’s challenge was getting stung by a scorpion, even though I’d checked my boots before putting them inn(from now on they don’t stay outside, even if they got all muddy in the stuck-in-the-water challenge earlier in the week). And hey, the intense pain makes me forget the hurt of my big-ass hoof-shaped bruise from Tuesday’s challenge! And I feel the itching from the chigger bites I got in the woods yesterday celebrating May.

It rained a lot, and we kept seeing crawfish crossing the driveway. I almost stepped on the one trying to disguise itself as a leaf. I avoided a crawfish pinch!

It’s all pretty funny at this point, and it reminds me that my direction is shaped by my innate desire to learn how things work. Mostly I want to observe life around me and determine patterns. Today I carefully noted all the different vireos and warblers that have appeared in the last few days. There was even a rose-breasted grosbeak, not common here. I’m curious as to how long they’ll visit during migration.

Yes, this is my best warbler photo. No idea which one it is.

Where I hope I’m headed is to even more internal peace and calm. Watching the seasons repeat yearly with variations but an overall consistency grounds me more and more. I think I’ll need that in the coming months.

I’m driven to try to understand people, as well. Like many of us, some of the things groups of people are saying and doing confuse me, but I’m doing better at seeing how much of it stems from humans needing to belong. Tribalism is not pretty when one feels threatened. I like it much better when it’s about football teams.

Did someone say threat? I better get hopping!

I’m wandering, so blame the Benadryl I took. But I want to recommend a television show we’ve been watching that has been very good for my soul. It’s A Brief History of the Future, which is streaming on PBS. The show looks into where humanity is headed in positive as well as negative ways. I’ve learned a lot about ideas that can heal the planet and make life better for all people. It celebrates differences and commonalities. Worth watching!

Like floods, it all passes. The green in the pond is the usual shore, and the shiny area in back is water pouring in.

I hope you’re enjoying the direction in which you’re headed. I love the daily surprises, both fun and painful. My hope is that they balance out so there’s never a dull moment unless we want one.