family – Page 13 – The Hermits' Rest

When Your Furry Family Member Gets You Angsty

Describe a family member.

I didn’t realize the prompt today would fit with what I wanted to write about today. But it does. I’ve had some of the worst anxiety symptoms and bad dreams I’ve had in years since Friday. Ugh. I get strong chest pains, tightness in my head with ringing sounds, and weakness in my legs. None of this is pleasant. At least my anti-anxiety meds work most of the time!

But, it turns out that, while I only get moderately stressed out about the numerous health issues in my immediate family, a sick horse throws me for a loop. And by the way, he’s no sicker now than he was last week, but knowing something was wrong got me full time of worry, angst, anxiety…and guilt.

I guess I’m unhappy to find out that Apache’s blood test results were extra bad (like 400 where high normal is 40) for ACTH. This means that, as we’ve always suspected, he has PPID or Cushing’s desease. The link tells you what the tests he took were, and we’re from the place doing the testing. His insulin wasn’t bad, which is good news.

Don’t panic. Medicine is on order that will reduce his symptoms and make him feel much better, though it won’t fix his endocrine system, which has probably been bad his whole life. We’ve just been managing the heck out of his symptoms.

Why have I been so upset? It’s because this furry family member has meant so much to me. He’s the first horse I learned to take care of and to ride, so he’s dealt with all my learning experiences and mistakes. Conversely, I’ve dealt with all his issues and idiosyncrasies, along with his curiosity, eagerness to learn, humor, and patience.

Don’t forget my beauty, other than the furry coat and sweating.

He and I each have our challenges, but we’ve stuck together through bad feet, poor horsemanship, anxiety (both of us), and changes. And in the past year or so, we’ve finally become a real team and started having fun. There’s been a lot of growth going on for both of us.

So Friday, when I found out the vet was supposed to have sent me those test results but I didn’t have them, and I got the impression they were bad, no amount of me telling myself that getting upset wouldn’t change things worked. I just fell apart and got mentally dysfunctional. I mean, internally. I did all my stuff and acted fine. I just hurt inside. I care so much about my animals.

I was mainly feeling bad that I didn’t get the testing done earlier, like I’ve let him suffer needlessly. I was concentrating so hard on his feet, muscles, and diet that I missed this. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to get haltered some days, or why he gets squirrelly on rides…blah blah blah. I’m just making stuff up at this point, but I guess that’s what you do when you think you could have helped but didn’t.

My hope it’s that by talking about my relationship with my Paint/Arab companion of lo these many years I’ll help myself feel better. He will be on his way to feeling better as soon as those meds arrive, and we’ll take it from there.

I’ll remember good stuff like hearing the sandhill cranes migrating overhead.

We will both be fine, especially if folks treat us kindly and gently. I don’t need to be made to feel worse with a bunch of, “Why didn’t you…?” And “You should have…” stuff. I just need ways to move forward and live the rest of our time together positively and happily. The horses and my inner circle are what keep me going!

Resources

Equine Cushing’s and Testing

Equine Endocrinology

Grown Up Time

When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

I’ll write about my day and viewing the eclipse tomorrow. For now…

I first felt like a grown-up was when I found out my first son was on the way and his dad and I had to put together a wedding in a few weeks, buy a house, and plan for parenting.

I was 32.

Dragonflies symbolize transformation. Becoming a parent transformed me.

Yes, I know that’s a damselfly.

Art. Love.

Who are your favorite artists?

I love art. It’s hard to say who my favorite artist is, because I like different things from different eras, in different media…all delightful to me.

So I’ll be selfish and say my mom. Her water colors looked like they were from another world. Or my stepmother, Florence. Yes, my dad married two artists.

I had a book report to write, but it’s been a long. But good day. Apache was a champ at his lesson, and Drew has a sore leg again, but we helped him. It was fun!

I’ve had such a great week or so with the horses. Mabel has turned into my biggest fan. Today I called her when she was at the far corner of the back pasture, went in the tack room for a moment, and when I returned, there she was, in her pen looking at me like she was saying, “You rang?”

Her reward? Dinner! She always turns her food dish over and eats off the ground.

And Dusty had me really worried for a while. He started to get real thin.

Here he is running toward dinner with Drew as Fiona patiently waits for them to go by. We hope he puts on weight and isn’t dealing with a condition.

He’s looking better and seems to appreciate his increased rations.

With all the turmoil in the world right now, it’s nice to have both art and animals to keep us grounded.

Issues with My Cultural Heritage

What aspects of your cultural heritage are you most proud of or interested in?

As a Euro-American white person, I’ve been learning a lot about the negative aspects of my ancestors. There’s a lot to tell, and I’m pleased that it’s not being swept under the rug anymore. But there are things to treasure, things to puzzle over, and things to horrify you no matter where your ancestors originated. That’s because people are talented, complex, and often cruel. Everywhere and throughout history.

So, today I’ve been thinking of my ancestry and what parts I’m proud of.

Oh look, Harvest Moon. slightly bigger than last night.

Most of my ancestors on my paternal line came from England. The Kendall family is very old, but I’m most proud of how the first father and son to come over in the 1600s took their indentured servitude and used it to do very well once they were free. That’s the Early American Dream. Then they fought on the winning side of the War of Independence and headed south. Then they lost the next big war and ended up sharecroppers living right along with former enslaved people. I also like that those folks came here to be able to feed themselves, not to foist weird religious beliefs on others.

I wonder if any of them were fascinated by tiny hover flies?

Now, on my grandmother’s side there were some French Huguenots. They were among the many religious fanatics to come to the US to escape persecution and promote their cause. The other bunch on that side were Scots-Irish. Yep. Getting away from religious stuff. Well, that and famines. They all ended up nice, Appalachians, some who did well and some who didn’t. Typical American white immigrant story.

Maybe some were herbalists and inspired my love for wildflowers.

I do love the folk tales, wisdom, and pre-Christian spiritual traditions of Great Britain and Ireland. They tie me to a much more distant past. And yes, I realize those people could be cruel as well as kind, just like the Romans and all that.

I was fascinated by the sun on flowers this morning.

I’ve written a lot about my mom’s ancestors being brought to Florida from Menorca to be slaves on sugar cane or rice plantations. It’s a fascinating little tale, and I’m really proud of the Canova folks for escaping and hanging out with the Native Americans until they could come back and become prosperous business owners in St. Augustine. Those were some strong Mediterranean people.

My maternal grandfather was Swedish. I like that his ancestors stayed together in the same villages for many generations. I’ve never experienced a community with such deep roots. Still, the Andersons finally headed out in the very early 1900s, again because they were hungry. Most of them went to Minnesota, but my grandfather was an adventurous guy. He left there to work on the Panama Canal as a surveyor and ended up in Florida, where I’m sure he seemed quite exotic on his fancy white horse. (Maybe he’s where my horse-loving genes came from.)

I guess I’m proud that my ancestors took big risks and got through hardship. No doubt we’re all descendants of the people who survived the risks and danger long enough to reproduce, huh?

Back then, they didn’t even have bad county roads to travel on.

And when you look at what they went through, the persecution, the ignorance, the huge changes, you can get some perspective to use on today’s challenges. Humans have never had it easy, and never has there been a time or culture without suffering and joy. I’m sure you already knew that.

I just like the swoopy lines in this one. Those are starlings, also European immigrants.

In summary, I don’t think my heritage is better or worse than anyone else’s. I’d like to think I’ve learned from some of their mistakes, and can benefit from some of their contributions to the world.

Now let us ponder the shoe on a fence post. It’s always there if someone needs it!

Life without Music

What would your life be like without music?

My life has always been filled with music. I started “training” my voice trying to imitate Julie Andrews before I started school. We only had one album, Mary Poppins. I sang in choir from 6th grade through high school (where it was chorus, because I guess choir is for church).

I was not the greatest singer, but I was very helpful in choruses, because I could read music (2 years of piano lessons, which I sucked at), I was loud, and I could sing any part but bass, thanks to my range. And I loved harmony, oh so much.

You can see why I sang tenor. Not a lot of dudes.

I also was crazed for folk and rock music, so I kept on singing with Linda Ronstadt and her cohorts. I liked music that was complex but clean, whether classical or rock opera (mmm, Quadrophenia…want me to sing the whole thing?)

High school singing. My brother is at left.

I didn’t sing for many years after high school, due to hard feelings with my music teacher. I don’t remember what it was about. But I sang informally with friends and wished I didn’t have such fat, stubby non-guitar-suited fingers. Listening was always part of life. I wish I had my albums.

I loved to sing. This is our folk group with Eddie Collins added.

I started a second round of singing in my late thirties through 50s. I learned a lot singing in the choir at the Unitarian Universalist church we attended. Our choir director was a great teacher and extremely patient with the motley crew who showed up. It ranged from professionals to first-time singers. It was a lot of fun, and a great outlet for my soul. Harmony is just the best.

Church choir, maybe the concert when my voice quit.

I also worked with the church-sponsored folk music coffeehouse. I met many wonderful Americana artists who are still my friends. For a few years, my dear friend Jeff, a great musician, lived with me and the boys. We had CDs recorded at our house!

I think that was great education for my kids, especially the one that became a professional musician. During those years we all heard a lot of live music!

At some point two of my friends from church and I started learning songs and playing together. Both Bill and Austin sang well and were (are) great guitar players. It was fulfilling to work out harmonies and figure out what songs worked best for our voices. We didn’t perform in public much but it was great fun when we did.

Later, we joined our church band, and the opportunity to make music with my kids and husband was very special. We ended up doing songs that weren’t suited to me, but I kept trying until we moved to the ranch.

Probably the most musical fun I ever had was singing with two different choruses in Austin. I got to learn hard choral music and sing with people who were much better singers than me. It was like being the smartest person in high school only to discover you are average in college. Or in my case, grad school. I loved learning the difficult pieces and learning from others!

I can’t forget 6 years as a band mom following my kids around. That counts as music (this is the Cameron band years ago).

My singing stopped abruptly when I damaged my vocal cords singing the highest parts in Judas Maccabaeus. It was fun until I realized I’d list B, C, and D above middle C. That messed up most songs. I was the only second soprano in our church Christmas program and when I tried to sing, nothing came out. I was very embarrassed.

My friends Jim and Sherry, folks I met during the coffeehouse years.

Luckily, I have a very musical family, so for a few more years I got to enjoy Lee and my sons playing. We’d have jams on holidays, and Declan would play his rock songs and classical guitar for me. I truly enjoyed that.

This is my son in a band called Sherry. He’s still in bands with some of these folks.

But. Sigh. Lee’s hands have stopped working. He has pretty bad arthritis. That’s so hard for a lifelong bass player. He played since he was a teen, toured with bands, and worked in radio. He still listens a lot.

This early band Declan was in has folks who’ve moved on to do great things.

I don’t. I probably will eventually, but much of my favorite music makes me sad. I’ve lost my mandolin playing son, and I don’t get to hear Declan anymore. The last time I heard him play guitar was two years ago, when he was playing the Moonlight Sonata and my sister staged a big fall to bring the attention back to her. Unpleasantness ensued. That’s the last time I ever saw her, as she left town the next day and has officially “disowned” me.

Declan has never played for us again.

Geez. This took a sad turn. I don’t dwell on this stuff or sit around wondering what’s so awful about me that relatives are fleeing in droves. Stuff just happens. I’ll keep trying to be a good person and not worry about people who have problems with me and don’t want to work it out. What else can you do?

Declan still plays, though. This is Big Dallas.

I’m glad I’ve had so much music in my life. I know I’d be much different if I hadn’t learned so much about music and made so many wonderful music friends. It’s a treasured part of my life.

Holidays around Here

How do you celebrate holidays?

I am not looking forward to answering this. The past few years holidays have been very confusing, because it’s hard to plan. With all the emergencies and life changes, we never know who will be around to celebrate or when. And I’ve lost two family members (they aren’t dead; they just consider me dead to them). It’s a good thing I’m not big on Christian holidays. I’d be miserable.

I really miss Christmas trees. I used to have lots. This was my Nature Tree in 2014.

I guess we’re not alone. So many families have so many branches that want to see each member. Divorces, marriages, and squabbles make holidays hard for lots of us. So I won’t complain, just note that I sure liked holidays when I had a little nuclear family.

And I’ve finally stopped giving so many gifts. I really used to love watching family open presents. But when I found things I knitted for someone stuffed under a bed and saw things I’d carefully picked for people never move from the spot they set them, I realized I was just piling unwanted things on people. I do love a thoughtful gift, myself. I have nearly every gift my children gave me displayed so I can look at them.

This is the reaction I always hoped for.

For a few years, when we had both kids and Declan’s partner to enjoy Christmas with, we traveled for Christmas. That was wonderful. There were such good times hiking, making music, eating, and exploring.

The place in Ruidoso had a pool table. Fun!

No matter who’s here, I do enjoy a traditional Anerican Thanksgiving. I love the familiar dishes, along with the ones our many attendees bring from their families, like Anita’s “damn yams” that are ridiculously sweet. I’m one of the few who like my homemade cranberry-orange sauce, so we always include the can-shaped stuff, too.

My favorite holiday to eat at is New Year’s Day, since I insist on cooking what I ate growing up, but add pork loin for the manly nest-eating men who don’t find black-eyed peas and collard greens as appealing as I do. (I do make the greens delicious, though.)

Other holidays we don’t do much for anymore. No children come trick or treating out here, and I don’t do Easter eggs for similar reasons. I’m not into any special activities for the Patriotic holidays other than putting out a flag.

I enjoy traditional Celtic Wheel of the Year observances, but I do it more privately now than I used to. I’m trying to blend in more now that there’s so much violent energy being directed at people who don’t fit the MAGA profile.

The wheel moves to Mabon at the equinox.

Still, it’s fun to watch how other families celebrate their own traditions. Holidays in nearly all cultures seem like fun and a good way to relax. I hope we get to continue to be a multi-cultural society.

Everyone likes a flower, even from a Buffalo bur

Let’s celebrate! I’m going to try to stop missing old ways of observing holidays and find something new!

Bonus hawk Declan and I saw while chatting this morning.

A Cool Peaceful Evening

What are you doing this evening?

What an odd question, but one I can answer without torturing myself or becoming angsty. Hooray!

First off, I’m spending my evening basking in the genuinely pleasant, damp weather. What? It rained! It was the first significant rain since June 16. And for once, we didn’t immediately flood. We just got about a quarter inch that can soak in. It’s going to rain for the next few days, so goodbye to the Heat Dome of Hades! The high today didn’t even hit 90°.

This evening I also got my hair cut, which was long overdue. It’s growing out a bit. My hair stylist is a real hoot, too. She ran to her salon from a cross country meet, cut my hair in a half hour, then ran back to JV football practice. That’s one busy mom.

She cut my hair dry and straightened it as she cut it. It was an interesting technique and magically made my growing out layers look perfect. I don’t get to see my hair straight very often, so I enjoyed this experience a lot. The back looks pretty, too.

That looks fancy. I’m told it will also look good with my waves. I wonder if it look great all sweaty?

The rest of the evening has been spent hanging out with Lee and the dogs. Lee has some virus, but cooked dinner to cheer himself up. After that, I knitted and hung out with Carlton. That’s so perfect.

Well, it’s perfect other than getting all his precious white hair all over my shirt and temperature blanket.

Lee has been lying on the couch all night feeling feverish. The dogs felt compelled to cool him off. At one point Penney was on one side licking his hand, while Harvey was on the other side, licking his leg through his pants. Goldie hasn’t left his side. Like the horses, dogs know when people feel bad.

And that’s my exciting evening. I was at an online conference all day, so knitting and blogging is about all I can handle. The rest of the week will be more fun. Why did they ask this on a Wednesday?

Is There an Ideal Week?

Describe your ideal week.

I thought about this all day long today, and I had plenty of time to think as I worked in the actual Dell Technologies offices today. The scenery didn’t distract me, even though I had a window view.

Ooh, look, the 45 Toll Road! It leads straight to my dentist, which is why I was in the area.

I’m sure there’s some Golden Perfect week that involves riding horses on the beach, bathing in a spring-fed pond, working on the Great Sunarian Novel, knitting in a hammock on a porch with bird feeders nearby, and eating nothing but oysters, fish, fresh veggies and ripe fruit…but that’s not realistic.

Excuse me, you forgot to mention petting dogs.

Realistically, I think I’ve got all the ingredients it takes to make for a perfect week, right here in scenic Milam County, Texas. Here are the components of my perfect week, which might not all occur in any one week:

Meaningful work. I’m glad I have a job I like to bring in money and challenge me.
Writing. I’ll have to write every day, line I do now.
Reading. I read constantly when not knitting, writing, or horsing.
Horses. Every day I want quality time with horses, to make up for the years I didn’t have any. I will keep riding and learning.
Other pets. I have to be with the doggies and chickens to remind myself there are so many ways to live and love.
Volunteer work. I like my Master Naturalist work and want to do it as much as I can squeeze in.
Swimming. I never used to like it, but I enjoy it all year now.
Meditation. As I wrote about earlier, it’s part of any ideal week.
Travel. Not every week, but often, I want to go camping, or to a condo in a new place.
Friends. I love that I have scheduled times to see friends in person and Zoom every week.
Family. Time just talking and laughing with Lee hard to happen regularly. I’m hoping tune with the rest of the family will become regular soon.
Hanging out in nature. It’s a must or I get all irritated and irritating. I need to feel like I’m a small part of the big picture.

Wow. I just kept going there. The good news is that I usually have most of these things every week, so my life is now ideal. Yay, I made it to where I hoped I’d be when I was younger!

Note: in any ideal week the temperature will NOT be over 100°F nor will there be a polar vortex. But, thanks, humanity, you’ve guaranteed extremes for the rest of my life. That’s not ideal, is it?

Far Away Memories

Share a story about the furthest you’ve ever traveled from home.

I haven’t traveled all that much. My parents could not afford it, and neither could I when I was younger and living on grad student pay. I got to drive to conferences, and when I got a job, did get to see California and Boston for conferences. Most of my travel to this day has been for conferences, mostly work related, so light on sightseeing.

However. I lucked out travel-wise by marrying a European person, though, so in the 14 years we were married I got to see Ireland, England, and the furthest place I’ve ever been, Switzerland.

So here’s a story about the first time I went to Switzerland, a place I’ve never seen without jet lag (I’ve spent 3 days there, total).

The children’s dad had a work thing in Zurich, so we got the idea to all go so we could save one fare. I was to tote the children, ages one and 3 or a little less to Ireland, where he’d join us for a visit with the kids’ grandparents.

We arrived after the very long flight with small children and fell asleep the minute we found the hotel. We woke up in Switzerland morning, which was really early to the kids, but we had an idea to entertain them.

My older son was fascinated with trains at the time, like obsessed. So we went to the train station. So many “frains” as he called them. We took a delightful short ride and came back. The younger son woke up in time to see the giant Toblerone display in the station, so we had to get chocolate.

I still remember the look on my older son’s face when he saw all those real live trains. It was pure wonder. He’d just say “frain” over and over like he was in paradise.

That’s all I remember of Switzerland other than being at the airport trying to fly alone with two little ones. Declan fell asleep in the customs line, where I had to drag the luggage and the kids. He wouldn’t wake up due to the jet lag, and I couldn’t lift him. But people were kind to us, and we ended up having a nice flight thanks to helpful airline staff. Irish people love children so much.

The other time I went to Switzerland was the only time I ever got Lee to fly with me anywhere. We landed in Basel and went directly to a boat. I didn’t see much!

I do want to say that though I am sad to no longer hear from the older child, I will always treasure the memories of him when he was small. He was very smart and hilarious. He talked at 9 month (said “moon” and pointed to it). He spoke long sentences way too early, which confused people, because he could be hard to understand with the interesting consonant combinations he came up with.

Our conversations, walks, playground time, and endless playing with Thomas the Tank Engine wooden railroads were among some of the best times of my life. I’ve also traveled very far from that safe, happy home.

Why Do I Blog?

Why do you blog?

Oh good, today’s blog prompt is at least easier than yesterday’s, though I can’t complain. My interview with Anita yesterday went over very well and started interesting conversations and apparently even gave some of her old friends new information. That was fun!

Now, today I’m supposed to tell you why I blog. The thing about this is that there are so many reasons that I may end up blathering away. I really enjoy blogging, though; perhaps that’s the main reason! I like writing, especially on topics that aren’t all serious like my work stuff.

Another reason I blog is that it creates a kind of community. I’ve enjoyed reading blogs since blogs were invented, and the insights into other people’s lives I’ve gotten have expanded my knowledge about different cultures and ways of thinking. I’ve found that interacting with folks in the comments is a way to make new friends. The feedback really is a lot of fun for me.

Blogging is also a way to keep in touch with far-flung friends and family. In the last century, people wrote letters to keep up with those they care about. I was also a big letter writer when I was in my teens and twenties, which I didn’t realize until I found a huge box of letters I’d received that were obviously in response to letters I’d written. I also emailed a lot when that came around, but I no longer have time to write long emails to everyone I want to talk to. So it’s a one-way blog blast (and I just hope those folks comment on my Facebook posts of the blog to keep the communication more two way.

In other posts I’ve made on this topic (which I am too lazy to look up, but I remember writing) I’ve talked about how blogging can also be a way of talking to myself, but also sharing it so I can get feedback. I used to journal but when there was no potential audience, I got maudlin and to be honest, I think I lied to myself. For some reason, I’m more “truthful” if I think there may be someone around to call me on any self-indulgent or overly dramatic crap I spew forth. There, a somewhat shameful admission from me.

More mundane reasons I blog are so I’ll be able to check out my pictures and memories of my travels, my work with the horses, and the things we do around the ranch (which can be challenging sometimes, because sometimes I’m not sure if it’s okay for me to share what other people here do).

I can share my old but happy Hoya plant.

It’s great fun to take photos to go with blog posts, too. I’m glad that some of my friends also enjoy them. Someday I hope phone photos look forward to a time when phone photos look a bit more like photos from a good camera. However, it will still be me taking the pictures, so you get what you get.

A tiny ray of cheer. Something is still blooming.

Thanks for reading, everyone. And yes, Mary, I do think there are more than five readers. But I’d love to hear from more of you, so feel free to comment, if you can.

How do you like my Moonlight Swim nails?