stress – The Hermits' Rest

Sometimes You Gotta Do What You Don’t Wanna Do

That’s the truth! It’s a lesson that’s been kicking at me for the past six months or so. I really didn’t want to stop working. I really didn’t want to give up the fun I always had buying clothing, shoes, and decorations for my space. I didn’t want to give up on people who’d been important to me in the past or ideals I felt it important to uphold at great cost.

I don’t think I have to always have a bur-free donkey, but Fiona sure looks better. And she is finally shedding!

But I’ve done it. I realized what I thought was right for me actually wasn’t. The transition can be painful. I’ve had a pretty crappy few months, though I’ve tried to share the good stuff here. But I think I’m okay now.

When worst comes to worst, I can just share flowers. Silverleaf nightshade *Solanum elaeagnifolium*

I’m back to coping with an amount of stress I can handle for the most part, which is the only way to get through the huge transition our society is going through with dignity and grace. I’m grateful for friends and mentors who’ve helped out. We all need community support. Having my online friends, my lunch buddies, and my husband and son remind me of what’s good and I hope I give that back.

I got to hang out at our bird sanctuary today with fellow Master Naturalists. That was so good for my soul.

Today I realized I’m not the only one who struggles with transition and change. My poor Apache horse really likes a predictable life. Surprises like the farrier or a horse show aren’t his favorites.

Mabel disliked the hoof surprise a lot, too. She wouldn’t go into a pen to eat today. That pleased the donkey.

Today was riding day, so Apache got all groomed and pretty and did fine on his groundwork, though he still dislikes jumping what he considers a “high” jump.

He was displeased at having to go to the new location of the round pen to do the riding. I didn’t push him, just walked and trotted, stopped and started, and leg yielded. However, Lee had mowed some “trails” for us, so I tried Apache out on them. It was funny to see him go into his panic at the unfamiliar, doing his direction changes and left turns.

Why did you make me do this? I do t need personal growth.

Yes, I’ve finally gotten to where I find it more funny than scary, and helped him get some walking on the path done. And when I got off, he had to go back in the round pen and breathe for a while. I figure he’ll get better. He always does, just like me.

I guess the trees are scary. I couldn’t get good photos of him because he thinks he has to move when I move.

Onward and upward, trying to get through transition as smoothly as possible for both me and the animals.

Time to Heal, So Heel, Goldie!

We got our dog back and I survived the journey. Let’s just say it’s hard for stressed-out people to deal with how those close to them act when stressed out. But Goldie is home!

She was glad to see us, and is walking well for her first tripod day. The poor girl will not pee or poop anywhere but here, so I was glad to hear that they expressed her bladder during surgery. 48 hours is a long time to hold it, even when your bladder is large.

We have to keep her quiet for two weeks and not let her run and jump. That’s gonna be hard, but we brought her crate into the living room where she won’t be alone. You see, Harvey can’t come upstairs since his stroke, so he has to have someone down with him. So, the living room is now a bedroom. Yow.

We took the couch cushions off, too, so Goldie can sleep in her preferred spot without straining. No more straining now that the car ride is over. The exit was difficult.

Yeah, it was an extra stressful day, not only from a dog standpoint but also a work standpoint. Things change a lot when you’re suddenly in change management. But hey, I got to see a hawk up close, not flapping around. That was good.

This is a good spot, says Mr. Red Shoulders.

I’m just tired. Too many early days and too much calendar chaos with meetings and events changing on me. Time to draw on my reserves, because guess what? It’s burr season again. The horses are covered. We didn’t get enough of them. Now I’m pre-exhausted.

At least the dog is back.

Getting Ready for Goldie

Stressful day! Not only did I have to get up early to meet with my new boss, but I also spent all day waiting for a call from Goldie’s surgeon. That made for a long day, because I didn’t hear from her until 6 pm.

I distracted myself by talking to my online friend group, helping people (best part of my job), and doing some training the new boss pointed me to, but I admit I got a bit antsy. Looking at plants and birds took the edge off a bit, and certainly seeing a flock of White-faced Ibis flying over helped. I happened to have my binoculars with me, so I got a good view.

By afternoon both Lee and I were not worth much, so I called around 4:30. The staff person was so nice, and reassured me I was on the list, but the doctor was dealing with a sad client. I said that was way more important than calling us! I want a kind and empathetic surgeon!

I felt sad for the person who lost their dog friend.

While waiting, Lee finished his book (the one o read that retells the Mulan story) and I started the latest Elizabeth Strout novel, so I could be distracted by Olive Kitteridge and the other folks on Crosby, Maine. That was smart.

I was feeding the horses by the time the surgeon called, but I’d brought my notebook so I was ready. I feel like we have a good and realistic plan to give Goldie some additional time. I don’t think we can do chemo, but if the guys want it, I’m okay. It’s just a lot of travel in the car, which is hard on her.

I did learn from the surgeon about a harness that’s good for helping support newly tripod dogs out and got one ordered in time to have when we pick Goldie up. I’m glad she’s crate trained, because that will help keep her away from licking dogs. No licking the wound for two weeks!

Anyway you don’t need to know everything the woman said to me. I’m just processing. Mainly I want Goldie to make it back home safely. I’m getting weary of bad news.

Think about birds, Suna. Happy, fluffy birds.

Back to the novel. They come in handy in stressful times.

Cognitive Dissonance

What’s something most people don’t understand?

That’s what most people seem to be unable to grasp. There are just too many people out there who don’t see any problem with holding beliefs or opinions that cancel each other out.

So you’re pro life. Good for you. But once a baby is born you’re against helping it. And if it wanders onto your property as an adult, you’d shoot it. And your guns are more important than innocent children in a school or people trying to attend a concert. You’re pro life and pro murder. How can you believe both?

I’ll stop before I offend the other 50% of readers.

Sorry folks, today has taken a turn for the worse and I’m in a less centered space than I’d like to be. The family health issues just keep on coming and there’s nothing we can do but observe and stay centered. Well, we can support each other, which IS something.

Life is challenging. We know that. But it’s also good. Is that cognitive dissonance?

I’m so glad I have lush pastures to wander in (with proper footwear to avoid snakes) and sweet horses to love on and breathe the scent of their grassy (mud encrusted) coats.

The equine buddies are my calmness center right now. Even Apache calmly let him remove his boots and asked for head rubs, and Mabel keeps asking for attention. It surprised me, too, how grooming Dusty and seeing him look so healthy made me happier.

Thanks, horses.

Sometimes It’s So Weird You Have to Laugh

Admittedly, I am not laughing right now, but I’m sure I’ll be able to at some point. I woke up this morning with the positive attitude that all would be well. I had a technician scheduled to come work on my router, I’d be able to finish my work project, and things would be just fine.

In the long run, of course, everything WILL be just fine. It’s just going to take a lot longer to get there than I would have imagined. It’s funny, I guess, with some perspective. Here I go with my tale of weirdness.

Other good news is that I did finish another row in the temperature blanket. It looks like a Klimt

I got numerous texts today about the technician arriving, but I never saw him. Finally I got a call from the technician guy (who is really nice) asking me if he was at the right address. Hmm.

It turns out he was at the Red House. I had signed into THAT account on AT&T but it didn’t have the address anywhere, so I had no idea. And of course, he couldn’t come to the ranch, since he was assigned to go to the Red House…

…and it turns out I needed him to be there, since the phone or cable or whatever line it was had been obliterated in the ice storm. Why didn’t I know? Because the router there had never been set up. Why? Because there was no phone outlet. So, I needed to get that all taken care of anyway.

As I tried to work and failed miserably, the technician called back. He needed to get in the house, since whoever had built the back porch had covered up the phone wire access point.

So, I zipped with much haste over to the Red House. Hooray, I thought to myself, I brought the correct key! He could get in! And he did. Brr, it was chilly in there. And hey, it was also dark.

It was chilly and dark because there was no dang power. What the heck? The house had power last week, so that wasn’t caused by the ice storm! People had stayed there and Anita had cleaned up after them. But, no power today. Great. I called Lee and asked him to look into it, but he was quite busy paying our scary tax bill. He says the bill is paid!

And the pool house and hen house are still here.

So, we went on in to figure out where to put the modem. We found the right spot in the dining area and drills started drilling away. The technician asked me to bring him the modem. Um, the modem…it isn’t there? GREAT, another bump in the road!

So, I called Anita, since I’d asked her to plug it in for our first guests, but she’d not been able to find a phone outlet. That’s because they’d all been removed in the renovation. We didn’t think we’d need it…

I asked Anita where the modem was. She had taken it home! Oh. Well, I needed it. Luckily she had a little time and was able to run over with the box, and they could at least get everything set up. I’m going to be super optimistic and assume it will work when the power is turned on.

Meanwhile, I still needed to get my original issue addressed, didn’t I? I spent another hour or so talking to AT&T customer support, once I shouted enough at the automated system that they gave me a person. The system kept insisting I didn’t know my special secret PIN, but I did! The human being I got was really helpful, and had to be patient with the fact that he was talking to me, Lee, and Anita as we tried to first figure out what account the ranch is on, and what the equipment was.

Eventually, it was officially decided that the router didn’t work, but the rest of the equipment was okay. They almost made me an appointment to come tomorrow to fix things…when the customer supporter said oh, first they needed to be sure that the towers were working. ACK!

No one has called. Dang. I leave to go camping Thursday. We sorta need a router. I think I’m using a lot of my phone’s allotment of data trying to work via the phone hotspot.

Sure, it’s not all bad. Anita and I were able to put up the dining room curtains, which I neglected to photograph, and we did a few touch ups. We discovered the shower curtain doesn’t actually stay up, so we will need to get that fixed before the next paying guests show up. At least it shouldn’t be too hard.

One more good thing! The RV office area is now complete and lovely. The keyboard stand is custom and blends nicely with the decor.

I’m just going to stop here. I’m sort of shaking just writing it all down. I’ve just been laying low and not doing anything that might cause me to fall, break something, or piss anyone off. I’m not getting in the hot tub, so I won’t have a water accident, and I’m certainly not going into the woods where there are snakes. Did I ride horses? No way. I carefully exercised them. If I’m just patient, maybe the time will pass safely.

Deep breaths, Suna. We all have our periods of challenges, and sometimes they just keep building on each other until it’s sort of funny.

Ha ha, time for a glass of wine.

How Nature Deals with Trauma

You may remember that a couple of days ago we were surprised by a fire alarm in the building where we are staying, right in the middle of important meetings I was supposed to be holding. Going down all those stairs, then trying to train people in software from an overly sunny condo balcony was hard on my nerves. I am not convinced that it was traumatic, but it was most assuredly unnerving. I ended up getting rid of all my nervous energy by taking a very, very brisk walk up and down the Myrtle Beach boardwalk, which is about a mile and a half.

Some of the boardwalk area is not even a little sleazy.

I felt a lot better after that and was able to get through the day. I must admit, however, that I walked more briskly than I realized, because my legs still hurt today…and I’m used to doing a lot of walking! I’m sure I look like I’m old and arthritic when I try to haul myself up out of a chair or go downstairs.

Anyhow.

Here’s some more of that synchronicity that’s been happening to me ever since I declared myself someone who didn’t believe in such things. I sat down in bed last night to read more from Mark Rashid, the horse trainer who talks about people’s relationships with horses and how horses’ minds work. One of the first stories I read in Whole Heart, Whole Horse: Building Trust Between Horse and Rider was about a horse who had been through some rough times just could not settle down and whose person had tried “everything” to get it to do her bidding. Except one thing.

I feel as if some trauma is about to happen.

Rashid suggested that if the horse wanted to run, to let it run. Sure enough, after the horse ran all its energy off, it calmed down. He shared how his mentor had done the same with another horse that was a bundle of nerves. They just ust let it go run and run until it got all of the nerves out of its system and felt better.

Perhaps I will need to run and run to feel better after this lady takes away the torture device and stops shining scary lights in my mouth.

Huh, I guess that works with people as well as horses, because I’m just great now (other than sore legs), even after enduring a sales meeting!

I remember letting Drew loose to run and run soon after I got him back in July of 2021, too. He came back much calmer and has not acted jumpy or upset since then. Rashid posits that it’s how animals who get scared often, like prey animals, get rid of their post-scare adrenaline and go back to calmly grazing and otherwise going about their normal prey-animal lives. Interesting.

I may be woozy, but not so woozy that I don’t want to cuddle up with some hay. And my teeth feel better.

Back at the Ranch

As you can see from the photos above, Drew got a visit from Bonnie, the equine dentist, yesterday. He has a cracked tooth, so she looked at it and did some work to make it less likely to get worse. He did just fine and thanks to sedatives, he was not traumatized. Dental care is really important for young horses whose teeth are still coming in, so I’m grateful that she was able to get him seen along with her horses.

Now Drew is back home with his friends at our part of the ranch after his little vacation among the green g

We’ll see if tomorrow brings more adventures than canceled meetings and gale winds, but I’m afraid my fun field trip on another boat tomorrow may be canceled. I may just have to watch the lifeguard making fun tracks in the sand that will soon get overwritten by the high tide. That’s fine. I’m safe and warm and my family is mostly all right.

Bad Mental Health Day

I’m not ashamed that I’ve dealt with anxiety most of my life. I’m just wired that way. For the past few years I’ve done a lot of work to manage the stress levels in my life. I’ve:

Changed jobs.
Cut out volunteer work where people didn’t respect me or weren’t truthful.
Minimized contact with people who put me down or try to manipulate me.
Changed my internal self talk to be more positive.
Made good progress on liking myself even when I can see my unlikeable traits.
Stopped trying to fix things I can’t control, including wars, divisive politics, other people’s beliefs, and other people’s actions.
Spent more time in nature.
Got more exercise. Especially with horses.

Nonetheless, BOOM, anxiety attacked me today. My chest has hurt all day. Badly. My neck has tingled. My mouth feels numb. All the fun stuff.

I think it’s because my boss said yesterday that I interrupt too much. He’s totally right. It’s why I hate talking on the phone or in groups. I have a weird inability to take turns in conversation. That’s got to be annoying to others, since I’m often embarrassed when it happens.

Everyone has issues. But sensitive people like me can take a small comment and leap to conclusions, like that they won’t renew my contract because of it. I know I’m a good writer, though, which helps counter my conversational impairment. I can edit writing. No wonder most of my jobs have been online!

The thing is, I know I shouldn’t beat myself up for things I know are an issue but am working hard on. I’m paying attention and trying once again to be quieter in meetings. Usually my issues rear up when I relax and stop self censoring. I guess the real me is just an over-talking, sarcastic, judgmental bitch. But a lovable one, right?

At this point in my life, it’s going to be easier to just accept myself and enjoy being with people who accept me, warts and all. I’ll certainly return the favor and grant them the grace to be their flawed selves. I should add that to the end of my bullet points above.

Sigh. I was going to destress by riding Apache, but I realized the horses are now all together, which I hadn’t realized was imminent. They all ran far away. Mmm. Grass. I think two horses are going to the Farm this weekend, which will be easier on Drew.

Instead, I really-did my horse playground, since it was taken apart to mow, and a new fence is going to cut some of it off. That was enough exercise!

Ready to jump, slalom, figure 8, circle, and side pass. And plenty of leg yield space.

See, I’m flexible and going with the flow and adapting to change. Gooooooo Suna.

Anyway, I love you all, imperfect as we all are.

Rain, Rain, You Can Stay

I had it in my head that today I could mess with horses after work. Two things prevent that. One is that it’s rained all day. The other is that I’m feeling wiped out from the weekend. You wouldn’t think just watching a clinic would be so tiring!

It also thundered. Three dogs tried to get under my desk.

I think I breathed in a bit too much arena dust. I slept hard last night, except I kept dreaming of building project plans in the software I train. That’s exhausting, too. I did take a COVID test (thanks to the government) so Sara could be sure I hadn’t infected her yesterday. Nope. I’m just tired and a wee bit stressed out.

Nowadays a slight sniffle makes you worry!

So, other than running out to feed chickens, I’ve been sedentary today. At least I lived through my first early meeting of the next three weeks of those! They should be interesting, though, so I have no complaints, especially since we will be helping folks out.

No swimming today. And yes, those jet covers will not stay on.

A day like this is good, though. I got to think a lot about what to do next month, made plans for more horse stuff, and figured out some mental health issues I’ve been dealing with, nagging rumblings and grumblings leftover from past struggles. I’ll have to deal with that soon. Until then, it’s time to snuggle with my canine buddies and enjoy the much-needed rainfall.

Take care, all. We all have burdens right now. Few of us are at our best.

And we all have fears. But they will pass like the thunder.

Comfort from Nature’s Rhythms

I didn’t have an easy morning this morning, even though there sure was a cool sunrise. I wish I could have gone out and gotten a better photo, but here it is through the upstairs window.

There was a thick cloud that didn’t totally block the sun.

It’s a time of year that is hard for many of us, with tomorrow’s anniversary of the terrorist attacks, and that isn’t helping much either. But, when you’re feeling your trauma ramping up, feel trapped, are weary of being second guessed, or have to deal with the consequences of other people’s actions, you do have options. One of them is to leave.

Familiar signs of approaching autumn: snow on the prairie, wild morning glories, and balloon vines (all hiding behind that dang Johnson grass)

So, this morning, after I did all I could do to be useful, I took a nice walk. Looking around at the ranch and its life made it so much easier to put things into the perspective of life going on as best as it can, year by year.

This is the dry season, so Walker’s Creek is no longer flowing. It’s a series of puddles.

The cows next door are starting to calve, as they do every year around this time. It’s reassuring to see the same cows in the field, still providing new babies for their ranchers.

Mature mamas getting ready to do their job: make more beef.

Even while I was feeling reassured by the repeated patterns and rhythms of the year, I was finding new things. For example, I don’t think I realized before that the giant cane (Arundo donax) smelled good when it was blooming. I guess it has something going for it, after all!

Still, it’s one annoying nonnative and invasive plant!

It was cooler this morning, too, which really makes me hopeful for the return of more bearable horse-riding weather. And as always, I found beauty in the little things, once I slowed down to look. Check out the patterns the large puddles make when they dry up!

There are cracks in the dirt everywhere, actually.

More little things included the small flowers in the snow on the prairie plants, and the dozens of dusky skipper butterflies making the most out of the morning glories. They were everywhere!

After enjoying the life around me, and reminding myself that whatever is happening now is temporary, I felt a lot better and was able to come back and get work and meetings done. Thanks again to the healing properties of the Hermits’ Rest. The land and its residents are always here for me. And I didn’t have to get in the car and go for a long drive!

Hay ready to harvest. Time’s marching on, and every day brings new things to see, even in old familiar places.

Lost Memories?

Wow. I’ve discovered that I’m not alone in having trouble remembering things. That’s another reason I’m glad I have my bullet journal — I can remember what I’m supposed to be doing and am scheduled to do. But, that’s the day-to-day stuff.

Suna in the only long, white wedding dress she ever wore. Sadly, it belonged to her friend Liz (still married to the guy she wed in this dress). This is in Pennsylvania, when I went on a visit to cry about being a bad girlfriend.

Talking to people in my extended circle, I realized that many of us have lost access to our past. One friend said she no longer has memories. Others are having a hard time remembering things when they need to, or remembering whether they told someone something. Lee totally forgot to tell me his car broke down—that’s something you usually remember to share!

This photo reminded me that my dad put wood siding up on our house in Plantation, Florida, just before he left. He was ahead of his time.

We all have a clue as to why this is happening. It’s the stress, the mega-stress, the overwhelming worry and anxiety. We all have COVID stress. No one can avoid having world events stress right now, what with wars, storms, earthquakes, and shootings galore. We have overload from black-and-white thinking in politics, organizations, and families. Many of us have big work struggles. Our brains are full. And so are the brains of the people we encounter. I’m getting stressed just writing this.

Here’s a happy memory of me and my friend Robin, who, by the way, is still my friend Robin and has children older than she is in this photo.

Sometimes, you can get your memories back, though, which is why I’m glad I grew up in the age where people took lots and lots of photographs (though nothing like today). Today, for a bit of stress relief, I wandered through my photo album from 1984-1986, which were not my best times (I managed to lose the love of my life and my mom in just a few months), I’ve got to say, but which also had some really good times. I’m so glad I can see both types of memories.

Here’s a place I once lived, in Urbana, Illinois. I doubt it’s still standing. I’m remembering that is my Asbury Jukes jacket that I won at a record store.

Also, when I was young, I wrote a lot of letters. It was in my blood, since my whole family wrote letters to each other. I found a box from when I was in college and grad school lately, and they reminded me of my journals in that some were a bit embarrassing (I sure fell in love HARD in my twenties, repeatedly), but others reminded me of what strong connections I had to my communities, and that brings me back to today, when I’ve learned from some of those infatuations and heartaches and gained some balance.

I never share photos of this guy, but I remember him. It’s the late Bill Crain, my first husband, being coached on good husbanding by my dad, in 1986. He didn’t listen.

I’m glad to be able to dredge some of my memories back up, after all. I hope you enjoy some little glimpses into my box of memories. See if you can come up with some.