The Hermits' Rest

Hard Decisions That Turn Out OK

What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?

You ask that, do you? I agonized a very this for about three years, during which time my mother passed away followed immediately by a breakup with the love of my life that was all my fault, followed by a serious of incredibly stupid relationship decisions and total failure at my career path. 1984-87 really stunk.

Here comes the brutal honesty for which I’m noted, for better or worse.

I’d say this was the period in my life when I realized that, no, I wasn’t the brilliant, nice, ethically consistent person I thought I was. That’s hard. I realized just how mentally screwed up I was in my drive to be perfect and that I was an emotional vampire who confused sex with love. Everyone has to realize they’re imperfect eventually (if they’re honest with themselves).

Worse, I ended up unable to stomach being an academic with all the drama, pressure, and competition. It just wasn’t what I’d hoped it was and I wasn’t actually very good at it.

So I decided to leave my career path and all the people I cared about at the university and do something else. I felt like a failure and that I’d let my family and friends down. That was hard. Acknowledging my inadequacy was hard. Admitting I was a bad partner was hard. Owning up to my anxiety and past trauma was very hard.

But no one really cared very much about my inner turmoil. They just wanted to see me stable, happier, and more positive. I ended up free of expectations and obligations and could move forward to use all I’d learned in a perfectly good career. I learned to love in a positive way. It was OK.

Oh look I’m crocheting something. It’s a hot pad in thermal stitch.

I make decisions much faster now. I’ve learned that whatever I do will be fine. I’ll learn the lessons I need to learn and keep putting one foot ahead of the other. Today is what matters and I want more peaceful, fulfilling days than stressful ones.

Daily Bird

I enjoyed a group of Harris’s sparrows today. I realize I’ve featured a lot of sparrows but we have eight kinds here! I heard these guys by the brush pile this morning, which pleased me because there was so much traffic on our road due to an accident that it was hard to hear birds in front of the house.

Harris’s sparrows make a less melodic sound than some of the others, more like very loud, low barks. It’s hard to decide how to describe it. But they were chatty and friendly today.

A pair of them started out in the honey locust, then got on the ground quite close to me, so I could easily see their interesting black head and chest markings. They’re the most distinctive ones, for sure.

By the way, the house wren and Carolina wren are loudly lobbying to be featured, so I’ll get something else soon. In the other hand, I’ve seen Mexican eagles (caracaras) doing mating dances in the sky twice this week. They do some loud wing flapping! So, they’re candidates. More to come.

Holiday Traditions Are Few This Year

Do you or your family make any special dishes for the holidays?

If they are referring to the winter holidays, like the Solstice or Christmas, then there’s only been one constant since my children were little, and that’s to have cinnamon rolls for breakfast. We used to eat them while opening gifts.

Something cheerful: Vlassic running at sunset.

For many, many reasons I’m not doing much for Christmas this year. It’s going to be a hard one for much of my family, and I’m not feeling very celebratory. I’m just going to go somewhere with Lee, if we can get someone to feed dogs and medicate Apache.

Speaking of horses, I caught Drew and Fiona being friendly today.

If not, I’ll stay home and eat cinnamon rolls then cook a meal for the same people I cooked Thanksgiving for. Maybe I’ll make pork loin and correct cranberry sauce. I think there will be small, handmade gifts for people.

You know, I think I just don’t want to do anything religious. I’m not happy with things being done in the name of religion these days, especially the ones stemming from Moses and his tribes. I’m disappointed in wars, book banning, misogyny, religious intolerance, and fundamentalism. All of it.

For the solstice, which at least predates Christmas, there will be candles and maybe a fire if the place we go has a fireplace. I’ll make decorations out of things from the woods and put intentions of peace into them.

It will be fine to skip materialism and shiny things for one year and concentrate on helping struggling loved ones however I can.

Daily Bird

We had some rain today, but it only rained hard briefly. It did quiet the birds down. The daily birds just have to be the European starlings.

As I went out to slog through the puddles to feed the horses, I heard sounds like tiny bells. It was a huge flock of starlings heading off to some field now that the sun was back out. It always amazes me how many there are.

I learned in a magazine that the flocks often contain the local grackles as well. Blackbirds like each other, I guess. I’m never going to love grackles, those resourceful parking lot scroungers with the incredibly annoying whistles, the great-tailed grackles. I’ll work on it.

We Made It! 15 Years Married!

It’s significant to me that Lee and I made it to 15 years of marriage. When you get married at age 50 you just hope you get some good years together!

Is the day after the wedding, opening cards. Lee looks like someone I don’t know. We’ve both gone a lot grayer.

We have done so. There have been times when we were both out of work and times when we were doing better than we ever expected. Now it’s medium! I’ll take it.

The emotional highs and lows have evened out, too, and I’m glad for that. It took a lot to get through some of the drama in our families, and that hasn’t changed. We just cope better now.

We’ve both done a lot of soul searching and gotten more emotionally stable, which helps when you have two people who don’t argue with each other well. It’s good to be able to step back and not react to each other’s quirky ways of being upset. You learn that through time.

I think this is the only time Lee has been clean-shaven since I knew him.

Anyway, I’m happy to have Lee to face the coming “interesting” times with. We are each other’s stability, I think.

We went to dinner in Rockdale, the next town over, where there’s a new Italian restaurant off the lobby of a motel. Yep. Small town living. It was excellent and a good change of pace since we still don’t go out much since COVID. All good.

Daily Bird

Today I’m going with the white-crowned sparrow, another friendly winter resident. They’re all over the place right now, with their white-throated friends. They don’t sing as much, but they have a pretty song in addition to a lot of chirping.

Mostly I enjoy watching them in the brush piles scratching for food. The younger ones completely blend in with their surroundings. See if you can find any immature birds in these photos of shiny adults!

Oh, Peeves, There Are So Many

Name your top three pet peeves.

Yet, more than once in my life I’ve been called elitist for mentioning some of my peeves. After all, educated folks who know and use standard English are looked at as suspiciously progressive or something.

I won’t put the Latin name for this common buckeye so I’ll seem less snooty.

I’m all for creative use of language, am well aware that language changes constantly. So I am fine with observing new language, even if I never call u bae.

And I don’t even know ow which checkered butterfly this is.

So my peeves are mostly language usage. Not New language, just wrong stuff. Other than number 3 below.

1. Please use the contraction “you’re” when you are shortening “you are.” It’s easy. The word “your” refers to something of yours. Like your ability to spell words even when you’re using autocorrect.

I hope this peevish list doesn’t make me look like one of these.

2. Speaking of apostrophes, (a word with no apostrophes in it, by the way), they aren’t like garnish on top of salads that you sprinkle wherever they look cute. You do not pluralize nouns by adding ‘s. Nope. If there’s more than one item, you add a plain letter “s” unless the word ends in an s or z sound. The. You add “es” with no apostrophe. Even people’s NAMES are pluralized that way! Lee and I are Kendalls and Brunses. Now if we own something? Stick an apostrophe in there! Ms. Kendall’s pet peeves are a great example.

3. Ooh, ooh! I have another one to add to my apoplectic elitist frenzy of prescriptivism! There is a recent trend to take perfectly innocent nouns and make them into some kind of cutesy verbs. Like:

What are you gifting this year? It’s the time of year to gift and gift some more!
What’s your favorite way to morning? Coffee, of course.
It’s time to football!

I think it started with things like weekending and breakfasting and has just kept spreading.

4. It’s versus its. At least this one’s harder. But in this one case, the apostrophe is only for smooshing two words together and not for possession. So I get it that it’s hard to get its nuances.

Enough of that. Today was a fine day with much sunshine, pleasant coolness, and many butterflies. As you can see, I got a few photos, but I saw many more, plus a caterpillar I can’t identify.

Daily Bird

Today, since it was sunny and not very windy, there were lots of birds to enjoy. I counted eight types of sparrows! But the bird I enjoyed the most was the hermit thrush. It’s hard to resist a bird who shares a name with your ranch.

Today’s thrush was skulking in the big brush pile that was created last year in the woods, and it was chupping up a storm. it even drowned out a very vocal wren. I saw it a couple of times, but like the pipits, it looks a lot like a little brown bird that’s hard to distinguish without binoculars. I’m glad I know what it sounds like.

I have to admit that once again I heard a cool “bird,” then sheepishly remembered we do have a few squirrels out here.

It Always Helps…

…to have someone supportive confirm that your instincts are not off and you can do things you need to do, with the right tools.

I’m not talking about my new yarn spindle, though it’s a nice tool.

Today Tarrin came here to do the horse lessons, which was very helpful, even though I’d managed to write the time wrong on my calendar. I need a personal assistant!

I’d been wandering around looking at the heron and not realizing I needed to groom horses.

Since I got Drew to come with me easily, he went first. I got some really helpful input on not pushing myself to trot and trot if he isn’t in one of his good frames of mind. I feel so much better practicing on straightening him out at a walk. I do wish I’d gotten pictures of him doing his warmups. He was pretty spectacular cantering and jumping high, calmly. Probably the very cool weather had him perky.

He’s doing better in lots of ways. But I felt validated when Tarrin got on him and had trouble the same way I did. He took a long time to relax like he was still a bit unsettled. Maybe we’re both more settled now.

I had a really good lesson with Apache. He even came up to me in the pasture. All those “treats” (medicine) seem to help with that. I got good information from Tarrin on how to deal with his lethargy. She explained that he’s losing some of his stubborn fat and the toxins in it are going to his liver, so we’re going to give him some milk thistle for a time. And he’s changing to different supplements that will support his metabolism. Luckily most of it isn’t too costly.

As for the lesson, he had good energy for his ground work. I’d say he did the best I’ve ever seen him going over jumps and low obstacles. And he was a joy to ride. I got great information on ways to keep him standing up better, then we went out to test his “issues” with going outside his comfort zone.

Tarrin used his lead rope to keep him from flinging his head down (without constricting his comfortable head movement). Once he realized that option for making me nervous was gone, everything was better.

Since I took no pictures today, here’s a bonus.

We made tons of progress on re-settling him when he first starts to act concerned (as a helpful blog reader mentioned as well). We stopped and breathed, and we did lots of circles and figure eights to give him something to center himself on.

I did really well staying centered and calm, myself, thanks to not having the threat of him jerking the reins out of my hands and Tarrin providing helpful cues. I ended up feeling really good and like I have ways to make riding at home more fun with both horses. Whew. I sure needed the insights.

Carlton points out that he does nothing but emit good vibes. I love him, too.

I’m very grateful to have had my coach here at home for some help with my situations. Both horses are doing so well at her house. I’d like to get there at home.

Daily Bird

It was really cold (for here) so not many birds were out. But I thoroughly enjoyed listening to white-throated sparrows settling in the big tree by the pond for the night. Oh, the tweeting and chirping! It was like a mini bird concert. I was charmed.

What’s My Favorite Animal, You Ask?

What are your favorite animals?

Actually, no one asked this except the daily prompt writer, because everyone who knows me more than as a glancing acquaintance can tell you my favorite animal is the horse, followed closely by and endless parade of dogs.

Mabel laughs at the absurdity of anyone wondering what my favorite animal is.

I’ve loved horses since before I knew exactly what a horse was. My mother wasn’t clear on the concept either, and taught baby Suna that horses said “hee haw” of all things.

In fact, my most beloved toddler toy was, um, a stuffed giraffe, which I named Hee Haw, and insisted was a horse. I panicked when Mom washed it.

I really loved horses. There are photos of me in a tiny cowboy hat riding my spring-loaded rocking horse and a giant pillow with a plastic horse head modeled after Fury the TV horse. I can’t find a picture of that, but I did eventually have this 1964 book.

By the time I was past the toddler years I already had a collection of porcelain horses, given to me by my Swedish grandfather. He must have had a lot of faith in me not to break them. More have been broken by house cleaners than were broken by me.

I drew horses constantly as a kid. It gave me something to do when I was done with schoolwork. No photos of those sad things are available. I didn’t actually know many horses, so they were a little off, even though I stared at my Album of Horses book and repeatedly read Black Beauty. I must have been a tiresome child. I went through a lot of crayons and paper.

That tiresomeness hasn’t changed. I still make very annoying word choices (like over apologizing) due to my long-term self esteem issues, which embarrasses me, which makes my dedicated efforts to love myself just as I am even more challenging. huh.

Let’s talk about how I did my best to soothe my soul today.

Even though it was pretty nippy outside due to a biting wind, I went for a nice walk in the woods, since cattle weren’t in that pasture at the moment.

I got to enjoy watching this happy young snapping turtle.

I found a few signs of fall color and enjoyed watching my “secret spring” behind the back pond. It’s not really a secret, but probably only Sara and I have really noticed it. Maybe Kathleen did when she was meditating in the woods. We’re all forest bathers!

There were even a few birds to watch. Now that most of the leaves are off the trees I can see the chickadees, titmice, sparrows, and vireos much better.

In addition to this egret who was checking out the shallow seasonal pools and lots of swirling vultures, Merlin heard a new bird, more than once, even: an evening grosbeak. I’d love to see it.

Anyway, all the dark trees, the bright green rye grass, and wintry blue skies made me relax a bit and got me ready for toting numerous 50-pound bags of horse and chicken feed later.

Poison ivy berries in rotting stump. Hmm.

Ready for work tomorrow.

Invisible Demons Plus Apache Equals Trouble.

The good news is I didn’t fall off my horse. And I’m sure I learned a lot and will eventually be grateful for all the chances at relaxing and giving when I didn’t want to.

WAIT!

Isn’t that how I started yesterday’s blog? yep. I’m a glutton for punishment I guess. Today I spent the required bur and mud removal time, then headed back to Sara’s. This time I brought Apache. I was hoping things would go better going over obstacles with some friend horses around.

I swear to you that I was in a good mood and happy with my old boy. After all, he successfully ate his whole pill and let me remove all the burs. We had a nice walk over there, but his arrival disturbed the foal, which disturbed Aragorn in his dressage. Still, all good.

But when I mounted and started showing him the obstacles, he did the same thing he always does and started hopping and going sideways the minute he got near the pens. Honestly, I’d forgotten this would be an issue, so I wasn’t tensing up. Where are these invisible demons he senses?

After two one-rein stops and a lot of conscious relaxing and not tightening the reins, I was able to successfully do a slalom, go over a bridge, and walk over a jump. He even sort of did a turn in a box thing.

We dressed nicely. As you can see, he’s still tense.

But, I couldn’t reach the gate to unlatch it when we got to it, he acted like he’d never seen a mailbox, and he refused to approach a jug on a barrel. He’s done those things many times.

So I gave up on the virtual show and just tried to end on a good note. I took him to Sara’s round pen, you know, the one I’ve worked with him in for years. He did eventually settle down as we did some patterns in there. But, that was it.

I let him graze in the pen while other horses tried to do their show filming. Aragorn didn’t like the bridge after a non-stick matt was put down. Later, after I dragged my ass home, he did fine.

Oh, that’s what I was supposed to be doing. Oops.

And Cole, who came with our training friend Tracee, surprised everyone by cantering away and doing a great job. All that cheered me up.

And Apache was a good guy all the way home. Hmm.

I keep reading “helpful” articles saying if your horse behaves poorly, it’s something you did. I’m inclined to agree, since both my horses act so weird over there, it may well be me. I do get a little embarrassed that my horses are flailing around and not listening to me. But I’m doing my best to calmly regroup and try again.

I’ll keep trying. I’m disappointed, but we keep going.

To top it off I broke my other thumbnail.

Fire Ants Plus Drew Equals Trouble

The good news is I didn’t fall off my horse. And I’m sure I learned a lot and will eventually be grateful for all the chances at relaxing and giving when I didn’t want to.

Here I am, showing you my agitated look.

But no, my latest try at practicing dressage at Sara’s did not go very well. I appreciated Sara’s help with getting his bridle on and removing the fire ants he stepped on. That must have hurt, so no wonder he was head shaking, trying to canter, and dancing around, all things that I handled as calmly as I could.

It was all my fault that I didn’t have a death grip on the reins that were serving as lead rope while he was supposedly calming down and grazing. A truck pulling a rattling trailer sped by and scared him (even though the same vehicle has probably passed him when he grazed next to the road in our pasture). Drew jerked away and ran his ass off down the tree line.

I was too fast to photograph. Like my ancient halter Suna found in the pasture? It’s easier on my burs.

Luckily he stoped when he got to Spice in her paddock. All geldings love Spice. When we caught up with him he was happily interacting with her and Lakota. He doesn’t seem to have injured himself, and he went nicely back to the scene of the incident to graze some more.

And he made it back through the scary trees, though he was nervous. After a nice visit with Sully and Jhayati, we went home, which is where he will stay for a while. I’m not going to try to film a virtual show there this weekend. I could get hurt.

I did help set up the obstacles for the other parts of the show and will bring Apache there tomorrow to see if he can do a better job than last time we tried filming over there. It’s disheartening. I’m doing my best to be positive, but both horses act weird over there. Maybe tomorrow will be when the tide turns! Sara tries so hard to set up the spaces, and I’d like to take advantage of it. at least today I got some riding in that was calm. Yay?

Today was just plain challenging. I went to the Red House to help Anita get it clean for the next group (quick turnaround day), and I must have twisted my back putting sheets on the bunk bed. Between that and riding a jumping and pawing horse, I’m quite sore.

Decorations at the Red House. Not going crazy since so many kids come through.

Sorry. Nothing but whining for today.

Fame and Gratitude

If you could meet a historical figure, who would it be and why?

Yow. This is hard! I came up with the Buddha, because I’d like to have learned from him. I’d also have enjoyed talking to Eleanor Roosevelt. I’d love her perspective on the choices she made in life and to experience her intelligence in person.

Really, though, regular people can be just as interesting as famous people. It would be interesting to talk to some of my ancestors in the Middle Ages in England, just to see what life was really like for women then.

Did they listen to birds or were they too busy trying to survive?

Okay, so it was US Thanksgiving, two years since my sister walked out and never spoke to me again. I have so many weird memories of this holiday, but I still love it. I miss cooking with someone.

You can see birds better now that leaves are off.

Today most of our usual dinner companions were dealing with pressing matters elsewhere, so it was just me, Lee, Anita, and my son. But it was pleasant, fairly relaxed (other than not being able to find a blender or even a potato masher to puree corn).

I messed up my own cranberry sauce recipe by adding lime oil (bad idea), but everything else was tasty, even the turkey I just stuck in the oven and cooked. Desserts were great, too. Anita made a lovely cranberry bread with fresh pecans from her neighborhood trees.

The best part of the evening was just sitting around and talking after dinner and a little concertina concert from my son, who found the instrument under some stairs in a building he’s renovating. Anyway, we all just went from humor to serious conversation, and I think we all had a good time. I’m very grateful for the chance to have relaxed conversations with people I love.

So all is well, even though our minds were on family and friends who are struggling.

Daily Bird

I’ll say today’s bird is the loggerhead shrike. I enjoy them bellowing from the electric wires and leaving insects stuck on the fences. They’re such fierce little guys. I enjoyed watching this one today.

I’m glad we have such interesting birds here!

Is It Instinct?

Do you trust your instincts?

I can’t top yesterday’s blog post, so I’ll just answer the daily prompt.

I’ve always trusted my instincts. I’m intuitive. Besides that, I think I take in cues I don’t consciously perceive that lead me to know what I should or want to do. It’s just how I’m built. I’m not good at deliberation; in fact many bad decisions I’ve made came from overthinking.

Sure, things go wrong, but often I learn the most when acting on instinct and getting different results than I expected. You just make the best decision with the information you have at the time. The worst thing is to not do anything at all, so my instincts are good enough for me.

Bug of the day is a young green stink bug. Yep, not green at this stage.

Honestly, as I’ve gotten older I’ve quit believing any predictions, promises, or plans for the future. I’m just going with the flow and not trying to influence the outcome. I’ll learn what I’m meant to learn. That has lessened my anxiety considerably.

Bird watching also helps. I saw the kingfisher catch a fish today!

So yeah, I think my instincts are correct for me and I’ll stick with them.

My instinct today was that I needed to spend some time with my equine friends. So while Drew was being a pain for Sara while she tried to trim his hooves, I hung out with the other horses.

I got burs out of them, which took a while for Dusty. His mane is sparse, but his thick tail was just about all bur. He munched hay and let me work on him. I brushed him, too, which he always likes.

I still manage to get burs in this little tuft.

Mostly I worked with Mabel, though. She’s been on a product called Gut-X for a while and it seems to have done the trick and helped her put on more weight. I’m pleased.

She’d already been getting happier, and now she voluntarily comes up for attention. She let me fix up her tail and much of her mane, but mostly she wanted to be brushed softly and stroked. We spent a long time just being together.

Still has that face only a mother could love.

After I was done, she stood in her pen and yawned over and over. This kind of release is a very good sign in a horse. She’s feeling good, even though one hoof is cracked and her eye had been runny earlier (she got hay in there).

Today’s Bird

Today I saw a bird we all see often, but one I rarely see here at the ranch. It really surprised me, as it was sitting on top of the utility vehicle right next to me as I went through the gate from the house.

The pigeon never moved. Eventually it must have flown off, though. We see doves here (mourning, white-winged, Inca) but not often pigeons. Wonder where it came from?