Sue Ann (Suna) Kendall

Lessons from Mom. Thoughts from Me.

Today I am babbling about freedom, rights and responsibilities from a personal perspective.

I’m 62 years and 4 months old. That’s the age my mother died. It took her a long time to do it, but she finally left her world of pain.

Mom as a little kid. Photo from my sister.

She died of lung cancer (spread all around), caused by a lifetime of tobacco use. She smoked through her pregnancies. She smoked while bottle feeding us Karo syrup or whatever poor people used to feed babies back then. She smoked in the car on every trip our family took. She smoked while cleaning the house, leaving long caterpillars of ash behind on the floor she’d vacuumed. She tried to hide her smoking. She’d smoke out her bathroom window. That led to the intake of our family room air conditioner. She smoked while on so much morphine that she didn’t see the burn holes in her polyester pajamas. It was her last pleasure. It was more important to her than her family or her own life.

I resented her for subjecting me and my family (especially my brother and dad) to her addictions. I wanted her love. She loved alcohol, pills, and tobacco more. Calling Dr. Freud!

I truly resented people who continued to smoke around me, knowing what my family had been through. What a relief when I could actually go to a restaurant or bar and not get sick from the smoke. What joy I found when my friends who were addicted started to only smoke outside, away from their children and elders.

I don’t blame the addicts; no one sets out to become addicted. But I sure am happy to see people behaving more responsibly about it. Sure, their freedom to smoke when and where they want to got taken away. And hey, not everyone they smoked around would eventually get sick. Not every smoker gets lung cancer, after all.

Nonetheless. Laws were passed and establishments made rules. Lots of people were pissed off, but they managed.

Today we have people who appear to care more for their right to potentially spread an extreme contagion more than they care for their families, friends, and communities. I hope it doesn’t take watching a loved one die because their lungs no longer work, like my family had to, to convince them otherwise.

Thoughts from me

Freedoms:

We’re free to drive cars, but not to run stop signs, speed, or go without lights after dark. We’re free to burn trash out in the country, but not when conditions are ripe for fire. We’re free to own guns, but not to shoot others just because it’s fun. We’re free to build a home, but not on someone else’s property. We’re free to worship as we want, but not to force others to do as we do. We’re free to love, as long as it doesn’t harm others. We’re free to hate, even in absence of good reasons to do so.

With freedom comes responsibility.

Note: I didn’t write this to judge you or anyone else. I am not telling you what to do. This is just to explain why I have strong reactions to things going on these days. People get to make their own choices. People have rights. With rights come responsibilities, though. It’s worth thinking about what responsibilities we all have to others.

Book Report: The Hidden Life of Trees

Take a minute to look at things from a long point of view. Reading (or just looking at) this beautiful book lets you leave the now and enter the enduring. I’m so glad we still have trees around to take care of us and the earth long term.

I’ve been reading a lot of Peter Wohlleben’s books, such as The Inner Life of Animals, which I wrote about in April of last year, and The Secret Wisdom of Animals, which I wrote about in June 2019. This one, The Hidden Life of Trees: The Illustrated Edition, is not the entire original book, but long excerpts from the original, punctuated with beautiful photographs of trees around the world. I bought this version for those photos (and eventually will read the unabridged book).

I admit that I am really, really fond of pictures of trees. I usually have one in my immediate environment, like here in my office.

My main tree image in my office, by Sean Wall.

My whole life I’ve been drawn to trees. My mother used to tell me how she’d find me in the yard chatting away to the huge live oaks surrounding our house. And I remember when I was able to visit my home town again after moving away, I insisted on visiting certain trees in what is now Tom Petty Park and the Duckpond area in Gainesville, Florida. Yes, I was always this way.

So, this book gave me a lot of pleasure. It’s not like someone went out and took a lot of great photos to add to the book, because most of them are iStock photos, according to the credits. Nonetheless, the photos were well chosen to accompany the text, so they brought me joy.

Here’s one beautiful photo from the book.

Of course, Wohlleben does a great job presenting fascinating research about trees in a format that any lay person can enjoy and be amazed by. Now that I know how trees communicate, I don’t think I’ll be planting one all by itself ever again. And that’s only ONE thing I learned.

The trees (and bunny) in our woods have lots of friends, and the downed trees are allowed to go back to the earth and provide nutrients.

I found myself reading a bit, then just lingering in the photos, imagining myself in those places, smelling the earth, hearing the wind in the leaves, seeing all the creatures the trees support. That’s worth the price of the book, right there! You can bet I’m going to keep that book on my coffee table, which is part of a tree, to dive into whenever I need to.

My other tree art in my office. It’s a watercolor by LE Martin, from 1995, which we found in the Rattlesnake house, unframed, in a cabinet.

Sunset Photo Shoot

Here’s another post high on imagery and low on content. Because I’ve been out as late as possible lately working with the horses, and because the dusty air has made for such pretty sunsets, I decided to do a fun exercise and take pictures of the barn residents and caretakers last night. Have fun with moody lighting and sweaty masked caretakers.

Excited about photo time.

Sunset and horse and donkey butts.

Hungry Apache.

Very clean Fiona.

Suna unable to get the light adjusted. But cute sloth mask.

Big Red insisted on her own photo. So dramatic.

Socially distant Sara, with Spice and Lakota.

This is how you have fun in the hot Texas summer of 2020.

Chickens Are a Lot Like Cats

Allow me to share some bird portraits, along with some brief observations. Chickens really remind me of cats.

Example chickens. Bruce, Hedy, Springsteen, and Patty in the rear.

How? Well, they like to chase things and pounce on them. For chickens, it’s bugs.

They also like to rest all curled up with their feet under them (I can’t get a photo of this, because they get up when I approach).

Bertie Lee, a barred rock, is brave. She’s not afraid of her shadow nor me. One day she flew right up to me to get to a bag of treats I had.

The main reason chickens remind me of cats, though, is that their owners find them incredibly cute and fascinating, even though they only have one rather vacant facial expression.

Hedy, an Ancona hen. She says she likes her look and she’s sticking with it.

They all just give you a dinosaur stare.

Ginger is our egg factory, an ISA Brown. She’s also very friendly, even with those dinosaur eyes.

Like cats, they come in many colors but are hard to tell apart. To me, all striped or black cats look the same. Apologies to cat lovers who see many expressions in their kitties.

The good thing about Easter Eggers, like Bruce, is they all look different. Thank goodness. One of him is plenty.

Oh! Let me interject that Kathleen got the game camera working, and it ran last night. I hope all we see is chickens and maybe cows.

The game cam is camouflage, so it’s invisible, right?

I’m glad the guineas are free now. They are so dang fast that they can now escape any attacker.

We lived! And we are fast. These are the Gray One and the Brown One. Trying not to get attached.

Nonetheless, the chickens entertain me a lot. I loved watching them eat popcorn and cantaloupe last night. And the guineas learned to eat from my hand!

Bruce looks pretty funny with his head in the feeder, too.

Cats are easier to care for and less likely to be eaten by owls or raccoons, but since I can’t have cats (Lee has an allergy), I’ll enjoy these ladies and gentlemen.

Another view of Hedy. Same expression. But what an attractive bird.

Continuing Up

No doubt you’ve been wondering two things. No, not why I keep writing and why I share my journey all the time! You wonder How the floor in my future office is turning out and how those stairs are coming along! Of course.

Well, the office floor sat and dried a long time. We hoped it had filled in all the gaps. Then, a couple of days ago, Chris put in clear silicone gel. It’s now drying.

Once it clears and dries, he will put in clear gel or something. Then we will have a floor. Maybe it’s not what we envisioned, but it will be pretty.

As for the stairs, the framework now goes all the way up.

Hey, it’s safer already! The rail shown below goes across the top here.

Chris has carefully marked where each of the rails will go. And he’s making them now.

Marks for what size metal rod goes where.

The first one he’s completed shows the pattern. There’s a large center piece, then another every four inches going both ways from there.

The small ones are either 1/2” or 3/4”, and there’s a subtle pattern. Depending on how wide a piece of railing is, there may be more or fewer small ones.

Just after the final piece was attached.

When it’s all done, he’ll paint everything black, then install it permanently. Just a couple of attachments using the acetylene torch will turn the whole thing into one piece and it can be attached to the stairs.

This welding has to be done outside, due to sparks that would eat the floor.

I hope you found these pictures as interesting as I did. It’s fun to see safety, creativity, and craftsmanship all come together this way!

Feeling Centered: An Elusive Goal

The last few weeks, I really felt like I’d lost my center. That’s one reason, I think, that I was letting things other people did or said affect me more than usual. Deep down, I wasn’t coming from my customary perspective of acceptance of my own worth, dignity, and humanity. I’d lost sight of my hard-earned understanding that what connects me with my spiritual core is the realization that I’m a mix of things I’m good at and things I’m working on, and both of those naturally will fluctuate, especially when there are a lot of outside stressors.

Does any of that feel familiar to you? Are you finding it harder to treat yourself the way you want to treat others, and they way you’d like to be treated! Have you lost your Golden Rule? Aha! Time for some centering!

Everyone finds their center differently, though there are common techniques many of us use. For me, meditation has always helped. Just breathing and not letting the cares of the day intrude for a while each day certainly can’t hurt. Other people call their meditation prayer or contemplation. It all works.

Could be a goddess. Could be Virgin Mary. Could be one of us. She sure looks like she’s centered, though. (It’s a statue called The Genius of Water, in Cincinnati, OH, USA. Photo by *@CrosleySpelmanPhotography via Twenty20*)

Deep breathing is a real help, too. Long ago, I noticed that when I am feeling super stressed I start holding my breath! Eek! As soon as I figured that out, I began to take that as a sign I need to stop whatever I’m doing and start a series of deep breaths, the kinds you do in yoga class, or in guided meditations. I have been known to pull into a parking lot and breathe a while. This aids when dealing with road rage (in self or others), too!

Over the weekend, I got a lot of time to myself to read and re-read helpful books (I’m working through The Sacred Enneagram, which has a remarkably helpful spiritual slant that makes me want to go thank a bunch of priests and is helping me deal with some of my prejudices and biases against organized religions). I had a lot of time to meditate. And like petals unfolding and revealing the heart of a flower, my center re-emerged.

I searched for “center” and the exact image I needed showed up. Miracle! Photo by *@katjakholm.68 via Twenty20*

I feel like myself again (hello, Suna)! And now that I’m coming from a much better mental space, all sorts of things are easing up. I’ve been able to deal with people I’ve found difficult in the past with grace and kindness. I’ve been a better family member. My work is going better. Funny how that works, right?

There’s still a lot to be done. I messed a lot of things up during my little bout with depression and hopelessness. I didn’t treat myself or others the way I’d want to, but I can be kind to myself now, learn from those mistakes, and move forward.

We’re all on a journey, as I like to remind myself. There are ups, downs, and curves along the road. Worse, we never “get there” until our life ends. Ya just keep going.

I chose this image because there’s only room for one person on this path, and that helps me remember we are all on our OWN paths, and they don’t look the same. I also like the marker up ahead, which reminds me it’s okay to set some goals, and maybe you’ll get to them. Photo by *@trackin_scout via Twenty20*

Failure and disappointment will show up. That reminds me: Chris read me a piece about failure this morning, which he said made him think of me. It talked about the opportunities that arise from “failing,” and was spot on. Once you fail, fall down, or regress, you get the opportunity to start again, maybe with some new knowledge or insight that will help you on your journey.

Insert platitude here! I’m full of them today. But I’m sincere. This is yesterday’s sunset, which looks much like the sunsets all week.

I’m wishing all of you peace and understanding, and encourage you to find the areas in your life where there IS hope, and insights into what your challenges can teach you on your own journey.

Fingers Crossed for Mr. Horse

I’ve been being really careful with Apache since that day he couldn’t walk earlier this week. He’s rested and had some more pain meds.

This morning when I gave them their hay, I noticed him walking over to pester the chicken. Yes!

Tonight Chris and I went to feed the horses, and cows were getting moved, so I needed to take Apache and Fiona out. Apache walked like a normal horse and didn’t try to stop every three steps to eat. Whew.

He just seemed happy to be out with all of us humans (Ralph and Chris and Tyler were all talking about fencing). Honestly, just spending time with Fiona and Apache is good for my soul.

We did get an appointment with Trixie to come out Monday and try out a boot. After that, if he still needs more, we’ve had some great other veterinary suggestions to try, so we won’t stop our battle with navicular disease.

Thanks to everyone for your support!

What Have You Made Better?

One thing you can always count on me and my spouse, Lee, for is that we are looking to do better in the world, do better for each other, and do better for ourselves. Lately, Lee has been listening to dozens and dozens of podcasts, and is especially fond of the Daily Stoic. It applies ancient philosophy to today’s world, and has been really useful for Lee. There are books and such, too, which you can find on their website.

Most mornings while we are drinking coffee, Lee asks me some question he found in one of his podcasts, which helps me be more conversational (I’m not a morning person and neither is he, really). One of his questions is where I got the recent topic of saying “I get to” rather than “I’ve got to.”

Today he asked me what I’d done to make something better. He said it could be big or small, for myself or someone else. His answer was that he’d improved a QuickBooks process (which makes things much better for Mr. QuickBooks).

I fumbled around a bit, but then realized I’d posted a status on my public Facebook page last night that asked people what made them smile that day.

I think 65 comments is pretty good engagement!

The answers cheered me up, cheered other readers up, and no doubt helped people who maybe didn’t smile much that day remember something good that had happened. It was a simple thing, just asking a question, but it encouraged conversation and made people’s day better.

I got the idea from Joanna Fontaine Crawford, the minister at Live Oak UU Church, who very often asks questions like this and gets a lot of conversation going. I like it, because the questions come across as genuine, and not like it’s some meme that you are supposed to be guilted into copying and pasted. Asking a REAL question gets real answers!

So, think about it, what have you made better so far today (or yesterday)? Ask yourself this every day, and your mindset can’t help but shift to a more positive direction. I plan to keep up both the practice of asking good questions and checking on what I did to make something better each day.

Thanks, Lee!

Going Up? It’s Stair Rail Time

Yep, Chris is still plugging along at the Pope Residence project. You know what’s more fun than welding? Welding when it’s 104 F outside! That’s what’s been happening.

The butterflies and lantana don’t care about the heat!

Before welding could happen, though, a lot of planning had to be done, because there are lots and lots of specs and safety regulations we want to be sure to follow. You want to get a thing like this right the first time, since it’s going to be one sturdy, heavy item.

This may not be the best angle, but you can see it’s going up!

So far, the rails look beautiful. They are all at the right angle, high enough, and spaced appropriately. I am very impressed. I especially like the end of the rail. It’s a nice touch.

There’s still a lot of welding and attaching to do, and the rail has to turn the corner and finish going up the rest of the way. But hey, it’s cooling off and will only be in the mid-90s F for the next few days. This project is not for wimps.

There will be rails every 4 inches, of course. This is just the supports and framework. But look at all those levels.

I Love My Horse, Okay?

On the local radio station’s morning show, good ole Joe always tells us what “days” are being celebrated. And today, Joe informed us that one of the many things celebrated on July 15 is National I Love Horses Day.

I have celebrated this day every day since I was given “hee haw,” my toy stuffed horse as a toddler.

The radio hosts (Joe and Rose of the Rose and Joe Breakfast Club) also like horses, so they had a good chat about that before launching into today’s recipe of Mexican Zucchini Casserole. I do enjoy the local KMIL radio.

Digression complete. Because I love horses, I worry about mine a lot. Yesterday, when Sara and I showed up to take Apache on his evening walk, he was not wanting to move. He’d started off a little stiff the day before, so I kept encouraging him. By the time he’d gotten only a little way down the path, I looked in his eyes and could see he just didn’t want to walk.

Monday night’s sunset, after I put ointment on his hooves.

We patted him a lot and let him eat a little grass, then turned around and went back. He was really having a hard time. What had changed? Well, Sara had gone riding on her horse yesterday and the day before. While she did that, she let Apache into the “normal” paddock to eat some grass, probably 45 minutes each day.

All she and I can figure is that even that much free grazing is too much for him right now. I’m really worried. If we can’t get him able to at least walk around comfortably and graze some, his quality of life will be pretty bad.

I also like cattle. But they’re more Kathleen’s thing! I just like the grass in her mouth.

Selfishly, I want to keep this guy around, because I really love him and have worked so hard to build a good relationship with him. I just hope that some more time and care will get him back on the mend. When you have an animal companion who relies on you to keep them safe and healthy, it’s a big responsibility. I want to do all that I can for my equine companion.

So, there will be no more extra turn-out for a while, and more pain meds, at least for a short while. I would prefer to only have him on the herbal stuff. I’ll be sure to be gentle as I try to get him to walk around a little. All of us at the ranch care about him, so I’m sure we’ll come up with more ideas.

From happier times earlier this year. Hoping we can get back to this some day, minus the bridle. I do hope to try the bitless bridle I cleaned up for him!

Do celebrate the day, today! Whether you know a horse “personally” or not, send our equine friends some love today. They are really special creatures.