Trapped in Two Ways

I couldn’t sleep last night for two reasons, and I realized this morning that it’s because I was feeling trapped and powerless. I don’t need a lot of power, but some would help, like the leadership I’m working on with horses. Bear with me as I think “aloud.”

Yeah. The deal is, I have few other areas where I’m in charge. My personal space is a good example. I’m an introvert. I need somewhere to be alone and recharge. Currently it’s the bathroom.

I used to have an amazing office in a cool old house in Cameron, which I’d invested my heart and soul into decorating to my own quirky tastes. We had just gotten my window of glass objects up when we had to leave for COVID reasons. Then last year’s cold front killed my plants.

This is where I both feel powerless and trapped. While I was told to stay away for COVID reasons someone else was moved into my office, with my glass collection that I couldn’t keep at home because of the dogs. I was told it was because the climate controls weren’t working upstairs so they had to temporarily move in. I said sure.

That person left, and I had hopes of going back to the good wifi, but now I’m informed I’ll never get it back. It’s not my office. Of course it’s best for the business. Still. That broke a piece of me, since I’d set that up as my retreat and barely got to use it. I’m trapped at home with all the dogs.

At least I’m being allowed to bring some of my stuff to the house. How it will fit is beyond me, but I sure appreciate the kindness. I’ll work hard to make this office/den my own, but I’m never able to relax there. Dogs take up every seat, and I have to cover my good furniture so it won’t get ruined. That’s why it looks like I have a solid colored couch.

I have some lovely art I will have to bother the very nice new office occupant to remove, and all that glass. I can’t move it until we bring china cabinets over.

Which brings me to the other reason I am trapped. My Austin house is gone. There I had a bedroom with a television I could watch whatever I liked on. I had internet. I had space to myself. I could use the whole bed!

In my bedroom at the ranch, I have one-eighth of a bed and one end table. The rest is Lee’s office, since his old office now belongs to someone else (he likes working at home anyway), and the sitting area had nowhere to sit. Trapped. But hey, I have my closet once I deal with all the clothes from Austin.

Ooh. I feel whiny today. So, that was why I feel physically trapped. Mentally, it’s slightly different. The good news is I CAN work on fixing that, but it will be a lot of work. You see, I feel right now like I don’t have any say in big decisions that are made. I just get told, and not to ask questions. I don’t know who lives at my house or what’s happening in our businesses (apparently we are back to buying and renovating houses, with a family member as general contractor—which is better than constant contractor failure from before).

I think there is a plan to do x, but then find out y is happening. Lee tells me I mistake brainstorming for planning. That makes sense. I’ve been working for the past couple of years to not have expectations. Stuff really isn’t in my control, since I can go with the flow and other people have more important needs that make it hard to plan. I get that and support it! Just sometimes it’s hard to deal with.

It occurs to me that I need to take that serenity prayer to heart and just focus on what I actually can change or plan for, and know what I can’t. Help me do that, please, readers?

I know my supportive family members are doing their best and I appreciate them. My issues are mine, not theirs. I AM grateful to have my office stuff and SUPER grateful to have my horse facilities! Improvements coming soon!

So, if I keep posting about horses, well you can understand that it’s because I set that schedule. I pay for it. I am making myself better through them. And one day I’ll be able to escape from all the noise and go riding alone. Goals.