sadness – The Hermits' Rest

Processing

I couldn’t write much last night, because I’d had some wine and wasn’t able to sort through the events of the day well enough. I’m not sure that I’m finished processing yet, but I’m working on it.

It was extra cold yesterday morning! I finally got to make a temperature blanket square with purple in it (it was 21° F). It did warm up enough to take a nice walk mid-morning, though. bluebirds were everywhere, and I found their gentle song quite comforting.

After watching yet another team I like lose in the American football playoffs (all the ones I liked lost in close games), Lee and I brought more hay out for the horses, and of course they all got out and scattered in search of better grass, of which there wasn’t any. They didn’t know that. At least I got exercise encouraging them to come back in.

It’s a very good thing they can’t see this cover crop across the road. It’s so green (rye grass, I assume).

Where I got all my processing to process was going to a gathering of woman at a friend’s house. It was very heartwarming to see so many like-minded women in one place. Some of the conversation was hard on me. I heard details of activities of people I already disapprove of that made me sick.

It’s really like the mega-wealthy who have the power live in yet a third society where the guidelines for ethical and moral behavior do not apply. I guess I knew this. You can pretty much do anything if you’re a white man in that society. It makes their hard-core MAGA followers seem tame. I guess I could have lived without so many details, though it’s good to know. (I do not have citations for you, but I heard them).

Yuck. How I wish we’d been able to keep on the path toward making Martin Luther King’s dream come true. I’d sure sleep better at night.

But, human nature doesn’t fundamentally change, does it? We have more machines, infrastructure, and stuff, but there are still elites and powerless people, wars started just because someone is power hungry, and people living in fear. It was this way a thousand years again, two thousand years ago, and no doubt long before that.

Fighting human nature is frustrating and will fail more often than it succeeds. I will still keep trying.

Things That Make You Unpopular

I have some firmly held beliefs that have caused me deep sadness because I dare to express them. you can be blackballed for these beliefs. And of course I realize my beliefs are aspirational goals.

I expect the following groups of people to be treated with respect and dignity by their community, leaders, and law enforcement.

Women
Children
Black, brown, red, and white people
Gays
Lesbians
Trans people
Bisexuals
Intersex people
Anyone who loves anyone else or presents as any gender they want to
Pagans
Jews
Liberal Christians
Muslims
Any other spiritual path I missed
Descendants of Pilgrims
Native Americans
US Citizens
Legal Immigrants
Undocumented immigrants
People with physical handicaps
People with mental handicaps
Those addicted to or who abuse legal or illegal substances
People who commit crimes
People who make bad mistakes
People of all political parties or groups
Criminals
Poor people
Rich people
Intellectuals
Feminists
White supremacists
Oh, pretty much everybody

I didn’t say I condone or agree with ideas or actions of everyone, but basic human decency means that you can disagree, keep yourself safe, and enforce laws respectfully. I know it can happen. I know it’s never happened 100%, but we’re doing worse now, not better.

It also makes me unpopular to believe that the following people should be allowed to express their thoughts in the USA:

People who agree with the current US government’s policies and actions
People who like some things about the current situation and not other things
People who disagree with or have concerns with how our leaders conduct themselves and the decisions they make
People who believe what they see with their own eyes
People who prefer to be told what to believe

This state of affairs should not turn us against each other. Please don’t let us keep falling further and further into us versus them. We all suffer when that happens. Our families, friendships, businesses, and communities suffer. We lose the ability to trust.

Kindness starts with YOU. And me.

I’m despondent tonight over losing a friend. I should not have admitted that I’m afraid of things that are happening in the US. It’s becoming more and more clear that if I want to be safe I should not question what happens, do as I’m told, keep my head down, stay inside, and shut up. Damn, I’ve tried to be a good person.

Hug a person you care about.

What’s the Use?

Dammit. When I read 1984 I never thought it would be coming true in 40 years. I give up. The truth, kindness, laws, and peace no longer are important to so many that I just need to give up for a while. I’ve been trying to see all the beauty and good around me. But I’m very sad. People are living up to their awful reputations. I must take a break and regroup.

It would help if I kept my own beliefs in mind. It might work for you, too.

Good news: I did see the Black Phoebe today and 60 other species. That gave me some positive moments!

I paid attention and also saw a female Pyrrhuloxia

Anyway. My Reminder Rocks have a message for everyone.

I’m not giving up, though. This is a BIG rock. it bears repeating.

I’ll be back in a while.

Cold and Chilled

It was quite cold and very windy today, the opposite of yesterday. My mood matched. News of mass shootings here and in Australia left a chill in my bones. This hateful behavior will never stop affecting me, and it’s baffling how many people act like it’s just a part of everyday life. I just keep thinking of the flickering but persistent light of hope, appropriate on the first night of Hanukkah.

It’s also the anniversary of my mother’s death, so long ago. Still in my darkest moments I want to call out for my mom. I’m certain I’m not alone in that.

In the unpleasant weather, the guys quickly finished the new chicken run, at least enough to use. I’ll see if they dare go out in it tomorrow. It’s supposed to be cold again, but sunny.

It’s just some chicken wire, easily moved.

Not just my fowl like the hen house when it’s cold. They are joined by many annoying house sparrows who like the heat lamp. I sure hope they don’t have any bird diseases. I can’t keep them out.

But there’s a little good news. The Cochins have started laying again. They sure choose strange times to go into production.

Mom, I Miss Her

Today my mom would have been 103, so unlike many of my friends, I never expected her to be around for me at my age. But since she has been gone for 40 years, I’ve missed her longer than I had her. I don’t dwell on this much, but something that happened to be last week brought my lack of mothering to mind.

One of the many cruel declarations against us horrible liberals asserted that we were mentally ill for supporting our LGBTQIA family and friends. It made me feel so alone and hopeless to realize this. My brain reverted to childhood, tears came to my eyes, and from deep in my past, the cry of “I want my mom” came up. I just wanted a hug from someone who unconditionally loved me.

I can still smell the Chanel No. 5 and smoke on mom as she wrapped her skinny tanned arms around me as I cried after being bullied or taunted.

It was hard being a chubby, sensitive child. It’s hard being her sensitive adult self.

I am saddened that the way people treat each other today can send me back to such raw emotional needs. Yikes. And I know I’m not alone. We all need to have a safe place, a virtual place of comfort like when you’re in your mother or father’s arms.

Mature-ish Suna must find that in herself. Ugh. (Yes, I have a fine spouse and friends, but they aren’t Mom.)

I tend to write about how Mom’s mental health issues made things difficult for me, but I assure you, she had many fine qualities, one of which was loving her children as best as she could.

She was also funny, an amazing artist and crafter, a great dancer, a gardener with a solid green thumb, a creative and resourceful cook, a fine whistler, and really good with makeup and nail polish. I remember all these traits, too.

I do miss my mom. I think she’s giving me strength via her memories. I need it.

Well Dang

Trying to stay on an even keel these days is a challenge, isn’t it? No need to name all the reasons why, because you know the ones that affect us all, and we each have our own personal stresses, grief, and challenges.

Today was one of those days when the dam burst and I felt all the feelings. I needed to feel them so I could regroup. The Buddha reminds us that life is suffering, but he also shared ways to cope, grow, learn, and move on.

That’s what I’m reminding myself of today, as I processed warmongers, school shootings, friends’ loss of parents, and frightening political climate.

Trite but true: all things must pass.

Like these bluebirds and brown birds, I feel like. I don’t know which way to go, so I teeter in the middle.

Tough Times Together

I’m just not able to say much right now. The loss of lives and livelihoods near me in Texas is heart wrenching and has affected nearly everyone I know directly or indirectly. The whole state is in shock, because the campers and other visitors were from all over the state. It’s really too hard to talk about right now.

This is Alfred informing me that the weather is bad.

I’m grateful for the first responders and trained volunteers from our county and nearby who went to help with flooding that wasn’t on the news, but was still bad. It always impresses me how these highly trained folks just go wherever they’re needed, even to other states or countries. They’re needed with so much bad weather here and in North Carolina, not to mention the fires in the Navajo Nation.

Here we just had a reasonable amount of rain, though lightning hit a tree near the horse pasture. Horses are ok. I immersed myself in work today, which was helpful. I guess I’m also grateful for having a good challenge to occupy my mind.

I’m also grateful for pets, even skittish ones.

Take care of yourselves. Hugs to all of you dealing with challenges. I haven’t forgotten you. We are in this together.

Cute Birds and Bittersweet Memories

It was the best day in a long time for bird watching. Between my observations and the Merlin Bird ID, 51 species were found on our property. That’s pretty exciting for me. But more exciting was how entertained I was by all that I saw. Yes, I’m easily entertained. You knew that.

I swear this little White-crowned Sparrow looks like an egg with a tiny head on it.

I saw a beautiful Harrier swooping over the fields late this afternoon when working with Apache the Wonder Steed. We both watched.

Then right at sunset, while I was watching and listening to the sparrows (Harris’s, White-throated, Chipping, Song, and White-crowned) as they rustled through the leaves looking for bird stuff, something flew by. It was the Great Horned Owl heading to a tree. Thirty seconds later, it hit the ground. I guess it got a mouse. Spectacular.

I didn’t like that. What if the owl was after us cute songbirds? Circle of Life, yeah yeah.

That really helped me get through a hard day. It’s now six years since I heard from my son. He was a great kid. I hope he’s enjoying life. I think he is, and that’s good. I just miss this little charmer.

33 years and 8 months ago, 4 generations.

As the two older generations in that photo are no longer here to talk to, I’m the older generation now. My cousin Jan and I have been talking about that, since her dad, a good friend of my dad’s, passed a way a couple of days ago. We’re the elders. That feels so strange.

Three generations, me, Mom, and Aunt Belle, my grandmother’s twin. I was a senior in high school.

I hope I can stay in contact with the generation after me. Maybe someday my son, but if not, it’s his decision and I respect it. And I’m fine. I just allow myself one day a year to mourn the loss that I really don’t understand. Grief is always lurking.

My parents and me in 1958. I knew they loved me, even if none of us were perfect. Dad was 27. Mom was 36.

Once again, I ask you to stick close to your loved ones, your friends who support you, and your community. We need each other.

Overwhelmed

That’s today’s word: overwhelmed. That’s what happens when too many intense events happen at once. I think I was holding myself together to get through Goldie’s surgery, then it all got to me today. I felt all oogey in my brain.

Naturally, or coincidentally perhaps, more little things kept piling up. I couldn’t sit outside to work, because my laptop screen has stopped working. And changes, questions, and challenges started piling up so I was stuck at my desk, where my chair has decided it won’t stay up. Just little things. But, ugh.

Maybe I need new ones. Photo from Pexels.

I did get a few minutes to sit with Lee as we supervised Goldie laying in the sun. We managed to keep her from running anywhere. And later, when I finished all my tasks, including training in my new department, I got to just sit with Goldie and keep her calm and happy.

Meanwhile, Harvey is having more trouble. His eye now looks like it’s messed up. I hope he hasn’t abraded his eye like Scrunchy the pug used to. And his balance is work. Two sickly dogs can be overwhelming, but I just loved on them a lot.

Plus I was concerned about Apache, who has stopped eating his dinner. He just stares at the wall. And I was worried about his feet, because he hasn’t been running like the others when they come up for food. (Mabel, on the other hand, now runs like the racehorse she may have once been.)

So. It wasn’t Tarrin’s best day either. She also has a dog who had cancerous growths removed, then surgery on her intestines that had gotten messed up by medication. Eek. We are monitoring Goldie for that.

Ekho is recovering well and enjoying her favorite rolling in the grass activity. She’s hiding her bandaged foot.

Then this morning, Tarrin found her beautiful stallion had died overnight with no signs of struggle. That was overwhelming. Just awful. Sudden losses are so unexpected; you sorta go into shock.

So, since we both felt like crap, I skipped my lessons. Horses can tell when you aren’t at your best. However, Lee was nice enough to bring Apache over to Tarrin’s so we could talk about his food, medication, and feet. Secretly I also went so I could support her like she’s been supporting me with all the dog stuff.

It was very helpful to have a friend to talk to about how I was feeling, and it also felt good to be an empathetic listener. No doubt we will both be fine later, but today we were both sad.

Apache was probably wondering why he wasn’t being saddled and ridden, but he didn’t complain about just getting a trim. His soles are shedding, so Tarrin trimmed them and put his boots on.

Wearing his boots and making his sleepy face.

She helped me come up with a feeding plan and decided we need to switch his medication. He has too many side effects still, after a year. He should not be ignoring food and standing like a zombie. The powder medicine should be more palatable and have fewer side effects. Plus it costs less!

His plan is to convince me to take him out for grass that needs trimming every day.

Now I just have to try to return the 6-month supply of Prascend that just arrived. I sure hope I can. It’s expensive. But I’m glad to have a plan for Apache! He’s doing so well in training that I want him as happy as possible.

Long story, sorry about that. But I feel better thanks to good friends (online and in person) who care. I even got surprise presents from Kathleen, who did a stealth visit, meal, and present drop-off all while we were off with Apache.

Better times are coming! Or, I’ll be back to coping well with challenging times!

Got through the Day

That’s about all I can say. I did many things to distract me from how sad Goldie is looking. I just want to get her to the oncologist tomorrow to see if there’s any hope for giving her a pain free life.

I tried to keep busy like this gal and all the hummingbirds.

Thank goodness for goofy comedies. I watched the first episode of High Potential and then three episodes of Elsbeth. They were similar premises but both very funny. It helped. TV is good for something, sometimes.