That’s been the highlight of the past few days. I’ve taken some early spring flowers and recognizable birds.
You can tell this is a Great Blue Heron!
I’ve just not felt very emotionally connected these days. That makes it hard to blog. I’m just blanking my mind out and gliding through each day. I enjoy the birds, the poultry, the horses, and the changing weather.
It’s looking practically spring-like.
It’s all fine. I’m just taking a break from the intensity. Voting means that I don’t have to listen to all the campaigning and can throw the daily collection of post cards from this Schwertner guy who keeps repeating the reasons I didn’t vote for him.
True sign of spring. The first anemone.
I did have some fun, sorta, when I helped Kathleen do some kitchen reorganizing and watched our manly men remove our old washer and dryer. Tomorrow the new ones show up. Dry clothing will be awfully nice.
I will need to do some cleaning first. Luckily, water spewed all over the place, thanks to an unhappy connection. Cleaned the floor!
Tomorrow I get to go hang out with some friends in nature. Yay. I’ll get to take more close-ups of late-winter new growth.
HenbitDandelion Field of henbitWeird moth I found on our house.
Plus I will keep crocheting. It’s probably why I’m so zoned out.
Two colors of the solid squares for my blanket. Don’t worry, temperature blanket is moving along on schedule.
My mental state will head back up. It always does. In the meantime I’ll enjoy my numbness.
I’m so tired. Trying to work and take in the negativity in the world takes a lot of energy.
I must breathe.
The best part of the day was that it warmed up enough to go sit with the birds for a half hour after work. Bluebirds were singing and singing for some reason, which was heavenly. And so many woodpeckers, including Flickers, added to the chorus.
That helped.
Peaceful winter light. Ahh.
Tomorrow is a long day of stressful meetings. At least there are few days like that in this job.
Oh you know the phrase. Yes, everyone in the southeast of the USA knows a storm is coming. We’ve all bought bread, milk (ok, not me), flashlight batteries, and foods that don’t need refrigeration, so we can keep the doors shut if the Texas power grid fails again.
I don’t think the mistletoe will have problems with the weather unless the branch it’s on breaks.
Animals are safe, too. Got food and shelter. And Carlton is healing well. Relief.
My plans are to stay home and inside other than feeding equines and fowl. I have appropriate clothing for that.
Our winter red-stem storksbill will probably be fine, too.
Tomorrow I have lots of work to keep me busy and this weekend I have crafts (making a hat), reading, and talking to friends to occupy my time.
I’m better but leave me alone.
And I’m feeling better, thanks to my extended community. I’m so grateful.
I can’t say I’m doing all that well these days. Anxiety attacks are getting in the way of trying to live a reasonable life. One woke me up this morning! Geez! Everyone has times like this in their lives, to give them something to compare to when good times come along, right? Sure!
I write like a third grade student, sigh.
Today I found myself painting rocks while trying to organize a complicated piece of writing. I now see they were all messages to myself. That gave me a chuckle. They are still drying, so I’ll give you other recent messages.
This one will sit on my desk. This is the other side. I hug much more now than I used to.
It was too cold and cloudy to do much birding today, which didn’t help my mood. Tomorrow should be okay, so I’ll get out more and make Apache do things for no real reason. Maybe I’ll try to do some liberty work with him, or something.
My other new hobby seems to be painting things without enough contrast.
Honestly, today wasn’t all bad. Work was good and we finally started watching Star Fleet Academy, which is very Star Trek. In it, they’ve recovered from a huge disaster, and that positive outlook was nice to see.
Oh look, I colored, too.
By the way, thanks for your positive comments on my recent writings. It feels good to think I give people food for thought. I assure you that many of you inspire me!
When I had a nuclear family and when I had my children, I was one of those women who bought into the cultural norm of making my family happy for Christmas, just like my mom had done for me. She worked so hard with little money but much creativity.
Pretend there are cigarette ashes on the floor and this will be mom-like.
I fretted over decorations, presents, food, and such. I spent a lot of money on things I hoped would make people happy. Shoot, the year after my divorce, I gave my ex presents to set up a household (which he never used, but that’s another story). The point is I felt that I was showing my love through material things. And rather too much of it. I think it’s because I felt loved at Christmas as a child when I got my gifts. Not everyone else is me, though.
This aspect of my personality has been hard to mollify. Even when I saw gifts I’d worked hard to select never used, even when my children didn’t give me anything for birthdays, Valentines, or Christmas. But I finally worked through my “love language problem,” and ended the excess. Much backsliding has occurred in recent years, but since my sister and older son cut ties with us, my motivation to create good holidays has plummeted.
I got over feeling unloved and frosty.
Now I can enjoy the parts of midwinter, the solstice, and the dark nights how I want to, with introspection and gratitude for what I do have, which is much.
It’s made this time of year much less stressful to no longer decorate the heck out of the house, spend hours looking for gifts, etc. I now enjoy spending time around the holidays with people who care about me and am fine without a big gathering. I enjoy going camping or staying in a cabin and receiving the gift of time with Lee, my son, and his partner.
I always have nature to bring cheer.
For Yule, I’ve made gifts for the family that come from my heart. They can keep them, toss them, or whatever. I got joy from making the gifts and putting good intentions into them. That feels great. I’ve reached a good place of genuine good spirits and caring. No more grumpy Suna in a frenzy of materialistic capitalism.
This is idealized me as a happy angel with a grumpy angel trying to tempt me. I’m not sure how well I like the work of the “image playground.”
My hope is that each of you get the opportunity to do something that pleases YOU during the winter holidays. If you enjoy decorating, decorate! Or make cookies! Or buy great gifts! Or ponder your nativity scene and its meaning in your tradition. Just don’t fall too far into my trap of trying to make others happy.
From Pexels
Handling the holidays works best when everyone has some traditions to enjoy and time to share them with those who love and appreciate them.
There are some practices and “mind tricks“ I use to stay on a level key while the world of people, politics, and ethics changes to something almost unrecognizable. Note that I am not describing how to remain calm (I no longer know what that means or if anyone is “sane“ anymore). But rather I want to share what I do to keep myself productive, centered, and able to find joy/good/happiness.
I wrote this all out by hand. I needed to write.
Spend as much time outdoors as possible, doing chores, getting exercise, relaxing—it all counts.
You might see spring flowers in September!
Meditate. I count some of my bird observation is this – deep focus on breathing sound, etc. turning off the internal chatter (when I dictated the text, this came out as “cheddar”) that adds to anxiety.
Stay in the moment. Be aware of your surroundings. Pay attention to people and things around you. This lets you see moments of peace and beauty amid broader chaos.
Limit exposure to negativity. Stop listening to provocative sources of information remove controversial people from your life as much as possible – if you must be around someone (coworker, family, or service provider) set boundaries and only interact on neutral topics so you can just walk away physically or mentally.
Assume good intentions. Remind yourself that people who upset you mostly aren’t doing so to bother you —often they think they are doing good —so treat them kindly, assuming they are well intentioned from their perspective, and let them share their thoughts, but let unintentionally hurtful things flow over you —you can be kind and not let the harmful stuff inside you.
Treat people kindly. Doing something nice for no other reason than it’s the right thing to do makes you feel better and invites good to come back to you.
Be grateful. Take the kindness of others in and be grateful for it. Expressed your gratitude, because a lot of people really seem to crave the positive affirmation, and it doesn’t hurt to help them out.
Give yourself permission to relax and retreat. Read a book watch a funny or engaging television show or video. Do this in moderation. Hiding in Facebook or on TikTok can be a problem.
Remind yourself of connections. However you are connected to other people, groups and cultures, treasure your own connections to your groups and enjoy them—just not to the exclusion of others. We are ALL family. (OK I’m preaching here.)
—All X people are evil/my enemy. No, the ideas they are being fed are the issue, not the people. Be angry at the source, which most likely is corporate interests (says Suna and Robert Reich).
—I can’t do anything about X. No, by keeping yourself strong and focused on positive and constructive ideas and practices you are doing something.
—Person X drives me batty. Guess what? You choose your reaction to person X. Change it.
Laugh. Find people places or media that make you laugh or laugh at yourself kindly.
Enjoy animals. Domesticated or wild, they share our earth and are good enough to share their calm or funniness. Horses and dogs help me.
Recognize your limitations. We can’t do everything or fix every problem. Choose your battles and let go of minor issue. Discern what is within your capacity to change and do those things.
Hint: you can’t change other people‘s personalities and entrenched beliefs. You can change your reaction. This is a big lesson.
Love yourself. Remind yourself that you are lovable just as you are. Your mistakes and flaws do not define you or make you less deserving of love. It’s great to be loved and to accept love coming your way, but you aren’t defined by whether or not someone loves you. Everyone else is lovable too, just maybe not by you, sometimes
Your spiritual guides (God, spirit, goddess Buddha) love you just the way you are, too. If yours places conditions on its love consider another alternative.
Don’t hate people. If you want something to abhor there are plenty of other options. I abhor war, gun, violence, intolerance, corporate, greed, dysfunctional government, unethical propaganda, and institutions set up to divide people rather than unite them. I don’t hate people. Something made them the way they are, even egomaniacs and psychopaths. Hatred does not make anything better.
Forgive. Let go of resentment towards bullies mean people, hurtful individuals, etc. Letting resentment fester does not lead to peace. People screw up. Forgive them like you’d like to be when you screw up. You can’t fix some folks, but you can forgive them and move on.
Take care who you trust. Confirmation bias is real. Don’t just trust people who agree with you automatically. Instead, trust people with no vested interest in manipulating you or your emotions or in encouraging divisive thinking. This is hard, I know.
Surround yourself with things that make you happy (spark Joy ha ha ha). This will be different for each of us. I have lots of objects that help me: crystals, figurines of birds and horses, live flowers when possible, a cheerful coffee mug, a journal covered with stickers, colored pins, books art made by me or my family, and so much more. Other people might need minimal distractions to feel happy some need clean surroundings things that smell, good etc. You do you and don’t let others’ opinions of your surroundings bother you. They can do their own stuff. (Now, shared spaces require compromise, of course. There can be no fun scents in a house that contains my spouse.)
So much sparking of joy here.
Move around. When you’re feeling overwhelmed or sad or afraid you can want to just stay in bed or your chair and curl up. But try to remind yourself that moving around/exercise is one of the best ways to lift your spirits. Even marching around your house or dancing to music helps. I like to take walks so I can observe beauty around me and experience the world with all my senses. Riding my horse is also very helpful, because I need to focus on what I’m doing rather than other issues.
Do some crafts. Making things helps you focus on something you enjoy, and creating items for others is an act of kindness thate brings positivity into your life.
July and August of my temperature blanket project.
Readinspirational or beautiful material. I love my nature books, and my magazines about horses, art, home improvement, and spirituality. Just be sure to find uplifting and interesting content. I have to limit my political and historical reading.
And finally, remember what the scripture below tells us.
Ephesians 6:12 (image by S Budig)
Tee hee. I, too, can cherry pick Bible verses that support my point.
So…what other ideas do you have to share with others as we try to get through this time together?
Whenever I start to go in and on about my pessimism it makes certain beloved relatives worried. When I realized that this afternoon I began to muse about how okay I’m actually doing right now. I guess if things have to get scary for those of us not in power, now is preferable to even a few years ago, for me. Spiritual growth is a big help.
Lee says a giant porch chair is a big help.
It’s taken a long time to get to where I don’t panic and start feeling paranoid. Even if “they” were out to get me, it wouldn’t hangs who I am or how I act. Like a friend mentioned in response to yesterday’s post, I’m going to choose to be kind. I’m also not going to give up my ethics and morals. Not panicking doesn’t mean not doing the right thing.
By the way, porch furniture came mere minutes after my son finished the beautiful trim work. He did so well.
(Aside: more than one person I know called their representative today and talked to a real person.)
Look at that fine detail. Craftsmanship!
Anyway, I’m coping well, my anxiety only pops up occasionally, and I’m enjoying my little hermit life. I’m staying in my lane, not asking questions of anyone who’s not wanting to share with me, and enjoying the heck out of my tiny circle of friends and loved ones, dogs, horses, and fowl. That, and birds, is enough to create a peaceful oasis.
This excellent hammertail robberfly was my nature fun of the day.
Please remind me of my peace when I start whining about being lonely, left out, or missing old friends. It does happen. Those I care about are in my heart! That has to be enough.
Carlton helps!
And all of you who read and comment and share your stories with me are also in my heart. Thank you for showing all of us how much good and caring for others there still is in the world.
Today I was feeling quite fine, perhaps even groovy, while I was on my walk around Nails Creek State Park on an uncharacteristically cool April morning. I was reminded of the Simon and Garfunkel song that reminds us:
Slow down, you move too fast! You’ve got to make the morning last!
That was from “Feeling Groovy,” if you aren’t old enough to have it pop right into your head. That’s how I was, too, taking my time, feeling the sand beneath my hiking shoes, and in the groove.
Life, I love you. All is groovy!
Groovy soapberry flowers
While I was walking and walking (fast enough to keep warm but not very fast), I realized that when I walk rhythmically I can’t think about anything negative. I just feel my body moving. Maybe that’s why people like running so much?
Fancy feather
One thing I’m glad about is that I don’t need to run to get the effects of exercise. I love moving more slowly. I also think my focus on perceiving my surroundings with all my senses helps with grounding me. It’s like a walking meditation! That’s it! I’ve learned to meditate while looking for plants and listening for birds.
Steadily tracing the path.
Even if that’s not true I find the idea comforting. Hobbies can be healthy! I plan to control my meanderings and take my time exploring the wide world around me, slowly and intentionally. It may be what keeps me together through unprecedented challenges.
I spent my original groovy years surrounded by Spanish moss.
The past week was a lot, so I decided to take some time off and not push myself today. Horses were fed and medicated, and Apache seems fine still. It rained more, so I’m proud I got the necessary chores done and could relax the rest of the day.
I took it slow, like these turtles who miraculously didn’t flee when I appeared, like they usually do.
I wandered around listening to birds and munching on native plants this morning. Some of this stuff should go in meals, like saw green briar shoots, beaked cornsalad (not related to corn), and chickweed. I see why the chickens like it so much. It’s zesty!
Cornsalad (Valerianella radiata)Tasty greenbrier (Smikax bona box)
I watched it rain, read, crocheted, watched golf on television, and took a nap. That’s quite a day of rest. I think I hit a high note of boringness! Hey, even Heather Cox Richardson took a day off, so I can, too.
This is sweet. Rain filled the holes in the door mat and this Red Admiral found it to be a great watering station.
The vegetation here is finally greener, and many more flowers and plants are showing up. Photographing them is better for me than catching up on the news. It’ll be there tomorrow.
Frog fruit! I was waiting for it. Another blue-eyed grass. I just love it. It is what I used to draw as a child when prompted to draw a flower. Dung-loving Deconica (Deconica coprophila) and no I did not try it. Pipevine swallowtail (Battus philenor) Vetch of some kind. Carolina bristle mallow (Modiola caroliniana)Black Willow. I think these guys are cute. (Salix nigra)Not a dandelion. Texas false dandelion or smallflower desert chicory (Pyrrhopappus pauciflorus)
How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success?
First, even though my job is ending earlier than expected this Friday, I’m not overly upset, panicked, or blaming myself. Why’s that? It’s because of what appeared to be a horrible failure at the time, and certainly the nadir of my working years (that’s saying a lot, since I had a couple of workplaces implode under me). I think maybe some of you readers might learn something from this experience, and since I’m retiring, I can share how I screwed up. (If I’ve already told this story, well, here it is again.)
Back when Lee and I were first together, we went through a spell of job challenges. A great long-term contract at 3M fell through because their business was talking, and all I could get were short-term gigs after that. Meanwhile, Lee also lost his job at Dell. I had two children in school, one heading to college, so it was all a bit scary.
I hit a spell where nothing was coming up, so I took the first job where they would hire me. The salary was very low, and the people I interviewed with seemed more interested in getting a body in a seat than my qualifications. But it was at the University of Texas, so I had dreams of security and a pension dancing in my head.
I ended up in a miniature cubicle in the UT Tower (where famous murders occurred) working with an accounting software package that was still housed in its original mainframe and had an ASCII UI. Two of the people I interviewed with had already left by the time I started, and from the first day on, three of the women in the group disliked me. I did my best to learn the system so I could provide help to callers, but even when I did know an answer, they told me I didn’t answer questions right. I needed to stop empathizing with users and stop assuring them their questions were legit, because this accounting software was GREAT and should only be praised for its greatness. It got more and more stressful every day, and to top it all off, I rode a bus at the crack of dawn and at rush hour going home, because I couldn’t get parking. I barely saw my family.
My office was behind one of those windows. Photo by Brixiv on Pexels.com
I kept trying, though, took extra education, got help from and assisted the one or two nice folks, then lost the only really nice coworker, who left for a better department. That should have been my hint to flee.
I remember it sounded like snakes hissing as the Mean Girls complained about me and tapped away carping about me in chats. The boss was even worse. She was some Dean of something and told me I was a big disappointment and offended my coworkers by mentioning I’d been a stay-at-home mother, but I promised to do my best to meet the decrepit accounting software support needs. It was like hell in a tiny tower. I started shaking all day. I couldn’t have done a good job if I tried.
Finally the time came for my 90-day review. The Dean just ripped me a new one, informing me how unqualified I was, how bad I was at user support, and such (they could not complain about my writing!). Here’s the worst part. Did I get up and walk out of there? No. I begged and pleaded with this awful woman, saying I needed to work or my children would lose their home. I honestly thought that is what was going to happen…I was going to fail to pay the mortgage and we’d be evicted.
It was a long bus ride home. Photo by David Geib on Pexels.com
Of course that didn’t happen. But I was so disheartened and down on myself that applying for other jobs was hell. Why would anyone want to hire such a poor worker? I went on unemployment, which at least fed us, and then, sure enough, opportunities arose. I did a bad job teaching Excel for a while (I did fine with Word–I’m not a numbers person), then started on the upswing when I got a GOOD contract for REAL money with people who became lifelong friends. But it was a SLOG getting my confidence back.
We even started a business later!
That experience taught me that no job is worth debasing yourself for. Yes, we need to work to pay bills and all that, but jobs exist. The next time someone started treating me like a pariah and making work torture, I left. Now? I’m not going to work unless it’s something I enjoy doing with people who are reasonable business folks. Mean Girls/Boys and power-hungry backstabbers won’t get a chance ever again.
I’ll write more about this tomorrow, but I’ve been touched by many kind birthday wishes. It reminds me I’m loved and cared for.
The Hermits' Rest 