Tag: lovingkindness

How Can You Cope in Today’s Troubled Times?

There are some practices and “mind tricks“ I use to stay on a level key while the world of people, politics, and ethics changes to something almost unrecognizable. Note that I am not describing how to remain calm (I no longer know what that means or if anyone is “sane“ anymore). But rather I want to share what I do to keep myself productive, centered, and able to find joy/good/happiness. 

I wrote this all out by hand. I needed to write.

Spend as much time outdoors as possible, doing chores, getting exercise, relaxing—it all counts.

You might see spring flowers in September!

Meditate. I count some of my bird observation is this – deep focus on breathing sound, etc. turning off the internal chatter (when I dictated the text, this came out as “cheddar”) that adds to anxiety.

Stay in the moment. Be aware of your surroundings. Pay attention to people and things around you. This lets you see moments of peace and beauty amid broader chaos.

Limit exposure to negativity. Stop listening to provocative sources of information remove controversial people from your life as much as possible – if you must be around someone (coworker, family, or service provider) set boundaries and only interact on neutral topics so you can just walk away physically or mentally.

Assume good intentions. Remind yourself that people who upset you mostly aren’t doing so to bother you —often they think they are doing good —so treat them kindly, assuming they are well intentioned from their perspective, and let them share their thoughts, but let unintentionally hurtful things flow over you —you can be kind and not let the harmful stuff inside you.

Treat people kindly. Doing something nice for no other reason than it’s the right thing to do makes you feel better and invites good to come back to you.

Be grateful. Take the kindness of others in and be grateful for it. Expressed your gratitude, because a lot of people really seem to crave the positive affirmation, and it doesn’t hurt to help them out.

Give yourself permission to relax and retreat. Read a book watch a funny or engaging television show or video. Do this in moderation. Hiding in Facebook or on TikTok can be a problem.

Remind yourself of connections. However you are connected to other people, groups and cultures, treasure your own connections to your groups and enjoy them—just not to the exclusion of others. We are ALL family. (OK I’m preaching here.)

—All X people are evil/my enemy. No, the ideas they are being fed are the issue, not the people. Be angry at the source, which most likely is corporate interests (says Suna and Robert Reich).

—I can’t do anything about X. No, by keeping yourself strong and focused on positive and constructive ideas and practices you are doing something.

—Person X drives me batty. Guess what? You choose your reaction to person X. Change it.

Laugh. Find people places or media that make you laugh or laugh at yourself kindly.

Enjoy animals. Domesticated or wild, they share our earth and are good enough to share their calm or funniness. Horses and dogs help me.

Recognize your limitations. We can’t do everything or fix every problem. Choose your battles and let go of minor issue. Discern what is within your capacity to change and do those things.

Hint: you can’t change other people‘s personalities and entrenched beliefs. You can change your reaction. This is a big lesson.

Love yourself. Remind yourself that you are lovable just as you are. Your mistakes and flaws do not define you or make you less deserving of love. It’s great to be loved and to accept love coming your way, but you aren’t defined by whether or not someone loves you. Everyone else is lovable too, just maybe not by you, sometimes

Your spiritual guides (God, spirit, goddess Buddha) love you just the way you are, too. If yours places conditions on its love consider another alternative.

Don’t hate people. If you want something to abhor there are plenty of other options. I abhor war, gun, violence, intolerance, corporate, greed, dysfunctional government, unethical propaganda, and institutions set up to divide people rather than unite them. I don’t hate people. Something made them the way they are, even egomaniacs and psychopaths. Hatred does not make anything better.

Forgive. Let go of resentment towards bullies mean people, hurtful individuals, etc. Letting resentment fester does not lead to peace. People screw up. Forgive them like you’d like to be when you screw up. You can’t fix some folks, but you can forgive them and move on.

Take care who you trust. Confirmation bias is real. Don’t just trust people who agree with you automatically. Instead, trust people with no vested interest in manipulating you or your emotions or in encouraging divisive thinking. This is hard, I know.

Surround yourself with things that make you happy (spark Joy ha ha ha). This will be different for each of us. I have lots of objects that help me: crystals, figurines of birds and horses, live flowers when possible, a cheerful coffee mug, a journal covered with stickers, colored pins, books art made by me or my family, and so much more. Other people might need minimal distractions to feel happy some need clean surroundings things that smell, good etc. You do you and don’t let others’ opinions of your surroundings bother you. They can do their own stuff. (Now, shared spaces require compromise, of course. There can be no fun scents in a house that contains my spouse.)

So much sparking of joy here.

Move around. When you’re feeling overwhelmed or sad or afraid you can want to just stay in bed or your chair and curl up. But try to remind yourself that moving around/exercise is one of the best ways to lift your spirits. Even marching around your house or dancing to music helps. I like to take walks so I can observe beauty around me and experience the world with all my senses. Riding my horse is also very helpful, because I need to focus on what I’m doing rather than other issues.

Do some crafts. Making things helps you focus on something you enjoy, and creating items for others is an act of kindness thate brings positivity into your life.

July and August of my temperature blanket project.

Read inspirational or beautiful material. I love my nature books, and my magazines about horses, art, home improvement, and spirituality. Just be sure to find uplifting and interesting content. I have to limit my political and historical reading.

And finally, remember what the scripture below tells us.

Ephesians 6:12 (image by S Budig)

Tee hee. I, too, can cherry pick Bible verses that support my point.

So…what other ideas do you have to share with others as we try to get through this time together?

Cultivating Calm

I read today that what horses want is peace. No wonder I like horses. I, too, crave peace. And calm. It’s been my goal all my life. I do not crave excitement, uncertainty, or the unexpected. But, guess what? That stuff shows up all the time. What to do?

I found a moment of peace when the afternoon sun visited my bathroom.

I’m relieved that my anti-anxiety meds have kicked back in. They are really helpful for me. They don’t make me calm, but they do give me a better attitude about uncertainty and the unexpected. They help me detach a wee bit.

Knitting is something that has kept me calmer my whole life. Today I put this sweet knitting corn husk doll that my sons gave me on my little display shelf someone I used to know made me.

Calm and peace. You do have to work on them, but it pays off! For example, my work laptop has been a bit off since I got back from this trip. Just little things were happening until yesterday afternoon, when my webcam stopped working in the middle of a fun meeting. It didn’t work today, either, but because I didn’t get all upset and pissy, I was able to patiently wait until the Logitech help person found a solution. Yay! I stayed calm and didn’t just order another one.

Goldie was doing this while I was fixing the webcam. Distracting!

And just as the camera was fixed, I had another meeting. Throughout the meeting the sound of the Zoom phone ringing kept playing. For an hour. I just laughed and tuned it out. What else could I do? I cultivated calm and just dealt with it. Go me.

I’m calm, too, even though I have all these gangly legs.

There’s so much going on here that keeping on an even keel is important. My vacation helped. The horses help. Having great conversations with my son helps. Lee helps. All of you help. Keep spreading peace, calm, and lovingkindness. The world needs it.

Helpful Little Mantras

Do you have little things you tell yourself whenever the things people do totally baffle you? I was just thinking today how many of those I have been accumulating on my journey not to take on other people’s issues, burdens, or problems. I’m sure you’ve heard this one:

Not my circus, not my monkeys

Lately there have been a lot of tempests in teapots, snits, disagreements, and misunderstandings in the Greater Sunaverse. I realize that much, if not most, of the time the issues are caused by something I didn’t have anything to do with in the first place, that my opinion isn’t really needed on, and that my contributions could only make worse. Especially when you’re trying to do something nice for people and they question your motives, your execution, and the amount of f***s you have to give about it…it’s time to let someone who is actually involved and cares deal with it.

Here’s one my therapist came up with for me to use when people start to get on my nerves or engage in repeated behaviors that annoy me and are not helpful.

That’s just Suna being Suna

Substitute whoever is bugging you for “Suna,” or if it’s me, keep the Suna. If you know Person X is always going to be late for every meeting, is always going to tell long stories with no point, or have a negative comment for any fun idea, you can’t really expect them to suddenly turn into someone else and not do that, can you? No, you can’t. So, you take a deep breath and remind yourself that they are just being themselves. You then hope other people do the same for YOU.

I think I’ll take a walk

I think the tail flip is important on this one. With the extra stressful times we are all in these days, you really need to get away and ground yourself sometimes. I’m pretty sure every member of my family has said this at one point or another in the past few months, and I don’t blame them at all! Reminding yourself to go out in the fresh air, breathe, and do something rhythmic like walking is the best medicine you can prescribe for yourself.

Everyone is struggling right now

This is the big one. Whenever someone snaps at me, is rude, says something out of character, etc., I realize that they are not at their best, and remind myself that we are all struggling. Every single one of us. And some of us are having the hardest times of our lives. I’m trying very hard to assume people mean well and are trying their best to do the right thing. And I’m still sending out all that lovingkindness, just assuming people are praying right back at me.

Whoa, do I wish I could get a bit more of that back in return. Thanks to all of you who have your own little mantras to repeat when you’re getting bugged, so maybe YOU won’t snap, be rude, or speak out of character…as much. Heck, we’re all doing it some.

Feel free to share your mantras!

Judgy Judgy Judgy

People are so darned judgmental. I know we’re wired to be that way, but why does it seem like so few people are even TRYING to let go of that? So many folks feel compelled to be all like, “I’m not normally judgmental BUT it affects me, so judge, judge judge.” In the past week or two, I’ve seen the effects of other people’s judgmentalism and compulsion to give unsolicited advice have hurt people I care about who are doing their best in their complicated and difficult lives (hey, isn’t that every single one of us?).

I find it easy to love everyone. What’s your problem, Suna?

So, here’s sort of a letter to myself, to remind me of my intentions. Writing them down helps. And, it might help some reader, even!

What Helps Me

I read a lot of Buddhist stuff, and a lot of my spiritual practice draws from that tradition. It’s helped me a lot as I walk my own path toward being less judgmental (just ask anyone who knows me, I have an issue with it, just like everyone else). Here are two things that help me, and they are things that can help you no matter what your spiritual beliefs are:

  • Breathing: By this I mean stopping whatever you are doing that makes you feel angry, annoyed, anxious, or worried and breathing deeply. If you concentrate on breathing from your core, you can’t also be worrying or judging. It gives your busy mind a break and helps you change your focus. This has worked for me for at least 50 years, so there has to be something to it! And I find it works with animals, too, especially horses. It really helps Apache. And no, it doesn’t have to be special yoga breathing, Zen meditation, or some fancy thing. Just breathing deeply and focusing on it works. The latest issue of Lion’s Roar magazine has great articles on this that would apply to anyone.
  • Lovingkindness: What’s that? It’s a Buddhist practice that boils down to sending positive energy/thoughts out to the world. You start with yourself, then your family, then your friends, then people you like, then people you don’t like/don’t know…eventually getting to the whole world. It’s like prayer, and I know there are several prayer practices much like this. One way to do it is just to repeat this, with broadening focus:
    May you live with ease, may you be happy, may you be free from pain. May you live with ease, may you be happy, may you be free from pain. May you live with ease, may you be happy, may you be free from pain.
    I just like the idea of lovingkindness (metta). It really helps me focus on caring about fellow humans, even ones I may disagree with. Read more by searching for it!
In ranching news, Lee and I got some fish for the water troughs. Here I am trying to get a photo of goldfish.

My Own Hard Work against Being Judgmental

I know I’ve had pretty harsh feelings and thoughts about people who differ from me, whether politically, educationally, culturally, or philosophically. Sure, I have every right to think I’m correct, since what works for me does work for me. But, I know darned well I’m a product of many things:

  • When I was born
  • Who raised me
  • How I was educated
  • The people who surrounded me as I grew up
  • What I’ve read (or watched), and not to forget this one…
  • How I’m wired genetically

The last one has been hitting me hard lately. I’ve done enough reading on how our minds and bodies work to know that about half of the people in this world see the world one way, and the other see it another…and these boil down into the various dichotomies that have been around throughout our time as humans. Right now it’s liberal vs. conservative in the US, and other things in other places. But it’s there. And it isn’t going to change.

So, for the last few months I have been cutting back on my participation in the divisiveness in the US that’s not helping anyone. I’m going to keep my beliefs, but I’m going to haul out the lovingkindness and remind myself that people who do things or think things I disagree with were raised differently from me, have had different life experiences, are surrounded by a different subculture, and most important, are wired differently from me. This does not mean I can’t get to know them, be friends, or learn valuable things from them. I’m DOING this, dang it.

I know that there will be judgments aimed at me as I try to be more open, because my efforts aren’t exactly being replicated all over the place right now. So, the next thing to work on is not being hurt by judgments thrown at me. I guess these efforts go hand in hand. The past few years, where I’ve lived in a town where I don’t fit in, live with people with vastly different points of view and life experiences, and have not hesitated to share my thoughts have been great practice in not letting other people’s opinions hurt me.

From Jack Kornfield’s version of the meditation.

That’s not easy! I get hurt sometimes! But, at least I know that just because others look at me one way, it doesn’t mean I’m bad…just different. The key is to take the nugget of truth or valid criticism to heart, and reject the negative attitude or intent. We CAN learn from people who aren’t always kind to us or agree with us without absorbing the negativity. I’ve got a ways to go, and I’m glad I have role models who are further along with this than me.

But, I can take my breathing and use it to help me get back to a good place, and send lovingkindness out to everyone. That will keep me going as I learn, screw up, learn more, and find new ways to screw up. Now, doesn’t that sound just like a life well lived? It does to me.

An Invitation

Let’s see if we can all work to be less judgmental and more understanding that we can’t walk in other people’s shoes or know all their backstory. Can’t hurt. It might help.