Ranch Life – Page 62 – The Hermits' Rest

Oh, Germs

My strep symptoms are NOT going away as fast as I’d like. Oh well, it rained off and on all day again, so I couldn’t have done much other than work, anyway. At least I didn’t have to talk much.

Since I took no pictures today, let’s play spot the snapping turtle from last week.

Other than thinking about project lifecycles all day, the highlights of my day were finding some snow geese in the sky and having a good talk with my dear friend, Mike. He reminded me once again that he will listen to me. Of course, when I’m all overwhelmed with negativity, I never remember to call my support network. Maybe my first tattoo should say

Remember your true friends

Tomorrow should be a good day with sun and true friends and horses. Come on, antibiotics, kick in! Back to Starburst: the blanket.

Dealing with People Like Me

Advice for me, too

For the first time in a few years, I didn’t blog for a while. I’m not back because people were clamoring for me to write (in fact, no one said anything at all about it, which is perfectly fine). I’m back because I figured out some stuff about my mental challenges that I thought might be helpful for others. What prompted it was a lot of introspection I did after seeing some of these motivational posts in social media.

My mental issues tell me that no one wants to see the unmuted version of me. It’s been backed up all my life by folks telling me I’m too sensitive, too judgmental, too negative, too…blah blah blah. And thanks to having this extra-unpleasant “rejection sensitivity dysphoria” (RSD) deal, when I hear something that sounds to my extra-sensitive ears like a criticism or put-down, my limbic system kicks in and goes into defensive mode. That guarantees I’m going to overreact and piss someone off. Nope, no one really does want to see the unmuted version of me! Consequently, I do try to make myself smaller, to avoid subjecting other people to my unregulated self.

Break!

And this week, after being told how negative I was, I fell into a deep well of self-criticism. And when I asked for help and support, I felt criticized for not asking for it appropriately, and was informed that when people tried to help me, it made it worse. You can see how a downward spiral might ensue, even when I knew in my head that I was being criticized for basically being who I am, which I can’t change as much as I’d like to. Being told not to react to things that trigger me the way I do is like telling a tree not to have bark. Well, yuck to all that, right? (Note that I know the person I was talking to was not intending to be mean. This is just an example.)

So, I was wondering how I could have the reactions in my head that my mental challenge makes me have but mitigate it somehow. One thing I thought of was for people who are forced to talk to me when I have an RSD episode to not add criticism about my reaction on top of my reaction. For example, if I react to something by hearing in my mind that I’ve been told I’m the most negative person in the world, an unhelpful response would be, “No, I just said you were ONE OF the most negative people I know.” Yep, my mind heard an exaggerated view all right, but pointing out that I heard it wrong just makes me feel worse.

I wonder what would happen if the response was empathy rather than added criticism? What if my reaction was acknowledged, but not critiqued? I was thinking something like, “I know what I just said was hard for you to hear. Just remember I care about you, warts and all. Let’s look at what I was trying to tell you, not how it came across.” I feel like that would give me a chance to get past that initial reaction and be more realistic. Who knows?

Break

I have to acknowledge, though, that just like I have no control over reactions that aren’t conscious, other people can’t, either. That’s how people end up where they each build on each other’s issues until there’s some bad result. Talking to each other and trying to understand each other’s struggles is a good way to start, though.

I’ll keep working at it, but no, I don’t think I’ll be subjecting my unmuted self to many of the people in my life. It’s just too much for them, and I honestly don’t blame them one bit. Some people are hard to deal with, and I am one of those. That’s something I have to deal with!

(By the way, in my mind, I’m a cheerful person who laughs and jokes around a lot and has a lot of fun – I wish I could expose THAT version of me!)

It’s not necessary to try to make people you are fond of like you back!

In my heart, I know that the work I’ve done here at the ranch has been good for me. I’ve felt much better about myself as I’ve been finding the beauty in my surroundings, treasuring kindnesses I experience, and working to be as kind and caring as someone like me can be. And of course, hanging around with animals who help me so much has made life much better.

A dog this happy has to cheer you up (one of Tarrin’s many sweet canines)

The main reason I write this blog is to have a record of the good things that come through my life, like the nature, the travel, the uplifting people, and the things I learn. It may just be me talking to myself and trying to convince myself that there’s good in this messy world, but it helps. So, I’ll still be here blogging about horses, dogs, birds, and flowers.

Here I am, looking happy because I’m able to ride Drew and he likes his new saddle and pad.

You get to react to what I write however you choose to. I’m fine with that. I’m prickly, so I’m going to rub folks the wrong way, make poor word choices, and look at things from my RSD perspective sometimes. Oh well, it’s me. Who among us isn’t prickly in some way?

Always Something, Right?

It hasn’t been a good day for me, mentally. I’ve been meaning all day to look up why anxiety attacks cause intense chest pain.

I need to chill like a mini donkey on a brisk, sunny morning.

Okay, I finally did. That answers one of my burning questions, ha ha.

Anxiety attacks or panic attacks can cause chest pain that mimics a heart attack. It is caused by the release of the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline during moments of acute anxiety or panic. The pain may come from contractions in the chest wall, muscle strain due to hyperventilation, or the sudden spike in blood pressure and heart rate.
Richard M Fogoros, MD

It definitely feels like hormones. So, if you’ve ever had those weird symptoms, now you know.

Of course it will pass. It’s just how I’m wired, unfortunately. And I was doing my best to focus on the good stuff.

Poor Apache seemed to be having an anxiety attack this morning before our lesson. I was pleased that he eventually settled down and I stayed patient with him. That’s hard when you’re keyed up for non-horse related reasons!

Drew and I didn’t do all that well in our long-awaited lesson, but it’s not surprising, since we’re both learning each other. I didn’t help by being shaky, but you deal with the horse and person you get every time you ride.

Today you got a horse who wanted to stay home and chill.

Like I read in a sweeping novel of the fictionalized Old South, “Tomorrow is another day.”

No matter what, sandhill cranes make me feel better.

Good day for a cozy blanket

Well well. I had good timing in finishing the main part of the rather large blanket I’ve been making for myself to sit under at the tack room. All that’s left is the border, which will be simple black clusters.

That’s the border up there by the crochet hook.

I’ll share the finished look when I’m done with it all, but it sure is long. I had to use all the colors three times.

While I was riding in the car to go get some groceries with Anita, I looked for other ideas for little projects. I wanted something with texture. So I made a flower square.

These are small, so I grouped them into four and made a larger square. I’m not sure if I like it or not. I may do a row of the flower color on the outside. Or I’ll try something else. Who knows. Maybe I’ll combine it with knitting.

First I’ll finish the corner-to-corner blanket.

By the way we got over 1.6 inches of rain! the ponds aren’t full, but they look good.

Declan helped me set up the greenhouse I got from the Red House when we bought it. All my vulnerable plants are in there, because we’re getting a hard freeze (about the right time of year). I’d love to get bougainvillea to over-winter!

Looking forward to finally getting my horse lesson tomorrow, even if it’s cold! The horses are nice and fluffy.

It Rained without Flooding

A cold front blasted through this morning. Declan mowed the yard, and we were comfortably discussing how he should wait to trim until later, when a huge gust of wind came and instantly lowered the temperature. Declan said, “Hello, winter.” It’s a powerful front that has lowered the temperature at least 20 degrees and brought a lot of rain.

The downspouts got their first workout. Gurgle.

Usually if it rains hard here, we get a flood. But while we got a lot, it didn’t instantly refill the ponds. I was happy to go out to the new pond a couple of times to see it wasn’t full all the way, and now was slowly filling.

You can see it’s higher after a couple of hours, but still has a ways to go before it’s full.

The arroyo and front pasture are nicely draining into the pond, and I hope not washing too much dirt away. Some grass had started to grow. I’m encouraged, though.

The dogs weren’t thrilled by the thunder and stayed close to me all day. Well, except when the cows and calves decided to stand right by our fence and moo. And the calves enjoyed the rain and we’re playing, which especially outraged Harvey. It was hard to work (in between internet outages).

It may be cold and wet, but we’re cozy. Sending cozy thoughts your way.

Keeping Hope Going

Let me say that I’m disappointed in myself that an election some years ago got me so messed up that I can’t stand election coverage now. My spouse loves it. So I sat with him for hours last night, watching his favorite news channel. I honestly think that could traumatize anyone, no matter what your ideas about our polarized country are. It’s just nerve-wracking.

I awoke this morning feeling completely drained. I sure would have preferred to wake up, read a neutral summary of the results, have a sad moment, and move on. Instead, though, the first thing I read was this:

Hope cannot be defeated finally because it belongs not to the whims of fate but to the common life pulsing through our veins. Hope cannot be defeated finally by any present evil because hope is our heart’s commitment to the lives yet to be. Hope is not is the naive assurance we will reach our stated goal, only that we will find our noble path.
Jim Rigby

That put me into a better frame of mind. I began to see signs of hope and inspiration all around me. Our ranch reminded me that even though we just went through a bad drought, things are trying to come back. The plants just keep trying. Look at this new green grass! There was nothing there a few weeks ago, just dirt.

I need to shed what is confining me and move on, like my snake friends. I can’t change things, just get a new hopeful attitude.

One true inspiration for me is the asters I’ve been enjoying all autumn. They are blooming away and providing food for so many butterflies, moths, and tiny wasps. That’s even though they’ve been repeatedly mowed. They just started over and over and bloomed even harder.

And I spent a long time today watching the great egret patiently and persistently stalking the little fishies in the pond behind the house. Reaching your goals takes time and patience. And you may miss. A lot. It’s okay.

Jim’s right. Hope is necessary and part of the path that our highest and best selves strive to stay on. I’m still committed to my personal goals and morals. Nothing can stop that. I hope the same for all of you.

Just think how long these little guys waited until it was damp enough to send out their spores.

Butterflies and Bees

Such a long day! I’ll just share some observations I made today and talk about other stuff tomorrow.

I decided to see how many butterflies and bees I could see today between the two stops I made. One was Nature Days that our Master Naturalist group is doing every Saturday this month, while the other was a visit to my lonely horse, Drew, who’s been living the spa life while Tarrin’s on vacation. More on that later.

I really saw some beauties today. The most common one was the Common Buckeye.

The fall butterflies make me so happy. The buckeyes, Junonia coenia, prefer yellow flowers that no other butterflies have visited. They eat plants as caterpillars that make them taste bad, too, like monarchs do.

The most beautiful sight for sure was the pipevine swallowtail, which is the top photo. We get lots of these near here but not too many at our ranch. They are not shy, so you can often get good photos. I also saw these in both places I visited.

I saw both the Gulf fritillary and the variegated fritillary (who I confuse with a couple others). These are around for many months here. The Gulf ones are the brightest orange! Oops. I got confused and put the painted lady in here. See?

Let’s see, what else was there? Painted ladies, queens. dainty sulphurs (tiny yellow ones!), fiery skippers, and the checkered skipper. Also there’s one that is some moth.

So, what about bees? I saw three kinds. First, here’s the carpenter bee.

Then we had the beautiful bumblebee! They are such fun to watch. Honestly. These two confuse me, too.

I know what a honey bee looks like! I got some fun shots of them flying, too.

One more moth! These appear to be salt marsh moths, and they were in both places I observed today.

My eyes are blurry. More tomorrow.

Cozy

There isn’t much going on. It threatened to rain here all day, but didn’t until evening. Lee and I went to the Lowe’s and Target stores in Temple (the town, not a synagogue, even though it was Friday afternoon), where it did rain a bit.

Dodging raindrops got me chilly, though I was glad we got most of the bedding for the vacation rental so it can get going soon.

I got home in time for a dinner and gabfest with Anita (and the very nice server at the Central Avenue Bistro), where I got all caught up on Pickle the dog’s adventures.

I dressed up! Lipstick and green jewelry. Much better than the hay encrusted ensemble I had on five minutes earlier.

Nice normal day other than the rain that we humans welcome and the thunder the dogs hate.

Stay cozy, my friends.

Instant Stress Relief

Damn! Work was a challenge today and there’s other stressful stuff lurking. But I feel, as I like to say, “way mo’ better” now.

My favorite bee fly, *Poecilanthrax lucifer*, even held still for me!

I knew I was in no shape to ride but knew I’d feel much better if I could hang out with the equines, so I headed outside, where it’s been a beautiful day. I got stopped in my tracks, though, when I got to the little field of asters between the chicken house and the tack room. It was practically moving, so many insects were enjoying the flowers! I felt like I was in some Disney movie where the protagonist has all these things flitting around them.

Those are just the ones that held still! I breathed deeply and enjoyed the moment before heading toward the horses. Soon stress melted away as Fiona stuck her head under my hand.

Then she made me laugh. She tugged my shirt when I tried to pet Apache.

I did eventually get to play with the other horses, who were BUR FREE! Apache was a little sweaty, since his winter hair has come in and it was warm outside. But he felt good to lean on and hug.

He also made me laugh. As I was trying to get a photo of his glorious tail flowing in the wind, he created more wind for me, the smelly kind.

Mabel wasn’t funny, but she was sweet and friendly. She’s a whole new mare. I feel like her name should be Mabel Grace now, looking at how she moves around the pens and glides across the pasture.

All these guys enjoying their late afternoon made me smile.

Dusty still seems a bit subdued, but enjoyed his hugs, love, and massages.

He needs a buddy and misses Drew, I think. Apache is not nice to him, but Mabel hangs out whim lots. Thank goodness! Drew will be home in just over two weeks, not that I’m counting.

It was great to hang out and relax with my buddies. I’ll be ready for another round of challenges tomorrow.

Nature’s Jewels and Metaphorical Lumps of Coal

It was a wondrous and ephemeral morning. When I went out to feed the chickens I was surrounded by a swirling fog and glistening dew. I stood there and watched the hens enjoying treats inside a cloud.

I turned to go back inside and glanced at the RV parked next to the garage. That’s when I found Nature’s jewels.

As I looked around I realized the spiders had been very busy around the house, catching so many bugs for us. The dew just highlighted their artistry and industry. Thank you, spiders. I hope you enjoy what I found.

The beauty of the morning helped me get through some painful memories, so I was truly thankful.

Now about those lumps of coal. It’s not coal. It’s those ubiquitous cockleburs.

We plan to move the horses to the pasture with the hay ring, so I went out with my loppers to eradicate the burs growing there. What a pain. But everything east of the pond is in the burn pile!

Those things are so persistent. They were all over me today, too. But all equines are now bur free.

And thanks to the rain, they are still growing! Why are their flowers so pretty?

Tomorrow’s lunch hour will see me out lopping away between the pond and the driveway. I’m not giving up! And hey, I’ll get to enjoy the new life in the pond, where I saw bullfrogs this afternoon. I’m pretty sure there are new dragonfly larvae for them to enjoy.