Ramblings – Page 3 – The Hermits' Rest

I Don’t Want to Be an Influencer

Honestly, I don’t understand why anyone is interested in that “career path.” I’m familiar with a few interesting people who have or would like to become internet celebrities. More than one of them has mentioned feeling weary of trying to stay “on brand” and repeating their talking points (or whatever influencers call them—remember I’m not one). Oh, and artificially big lips and eyelashes, which I assume look good to the influencer subculture.

Early on in my time writing blogs (I’m not sure I’m really a blogger, either), it became clear to me that there was a formula the successfully monetized blogs all followed. There’s a lot of mentioning products so they can get paid in goods, and there’s lots and lots of teasing and bloviating before taking you to the “interesting” content so you have to plow through ads. That doesn’t sound like writing or sharing. It’s marketing. Yuck.

It’s like you have to make a new fake you. This is definitely a fake me.

I like to write things that interest me. I don’t have a brand, unless it’s quirky older woman goes on and on about nature and personal growth. I do have cute animals, but they don’t often do anything totally precious enough to have their own fan base.

Carlton’s most crazed look and he doesn’t even need Snapchat.

Like cats, my animals generally only have one expression, so every photo of a chicken, turkey, horse, or dog in my blog looks the same. It would be hard to influence anyone with this material to work with.

I look like this every day, unless I’ve been fighting, says Carlton

Of course that’s fine. I don’t want my social media presence to be a job. Whenever it veers that way, I veer back to just sharing stories about a rural-life newbie and her unswerving desire to become a good person who enjoys life however she can. That will not garner 200K of fans.

But it’s the real Suna. Rumpled but content.

I think I may want to influence you to share my quest for peace, love, and kindness. In these challenging times, we all can use some inspiration, so if I cheer anyone up, give someone a new idea, or make a reader chuckle, that’s enough for me.

This is intended to make you chuckle. It worked for me.

Thanks for your contributions to cheering ME up! I needed it after my day of breaking browsers and enterprise software products. It really WAS a Monday today.

Yeah, Genie, Do This

You have three magic genie wishes, what are you asking for?

Everyone will wake up one day and realize we can all live together in peace if we spend as much energy trying to work things out as we now do on trying to divide each other.
Everyone has what they need to be healthy, contribute to society, and love who they love.
The non-human life in earth can thrive and heal the planet.

That will do.

It’s not hopeless. Lilies came back after the rain. Just south of here, migrating monarchs are everywhere. Sandhill Cranes are reaching their wintering grounds. A cold front is coming.

Happy to Stay Right Here

How much would you pay to go to the moon?

Nah. I have no need to go to the moon. I like it where it is and me where I am. All the lunar romance, metaphor, and legend falls away when you view the moon as a large cratered hunk of rock. I do think it’s amazing that our moon is the exact right size to create eclipses, though. That is one thing that makes me wonder if there’s an intelligent designer of the universe. Maybe the only thing…

…meanwhile, back in my little spot on Gaia, Mother Nature has taken on a benevolent aspect, at least for a time, and graced us with rain not just one, but two nights in a row! Yesterday’s total was over two inches, and tonight it’s rained hard for quite a while. There was a little water in the creek today. I look forward to seeing how our tanks look tomorrow.

But during the day, it was pleasant, which enabled me to get my eyes examined right in Cameron, Texas (what a luxury), which included interesting conversations on current events where I just listened. I rewarded myself with a visit to the bakery for a nice sticky bun. Mmm.

No photo of a bun, but here’s a Great Egret in a tree.

I’d thought my next task, getting Apache ready for a lesson, would be quick and easy. I was mistaken. I now have all dark gray horses, the exact color of our dirt. Apache had really been getting into his mud spa treatment and was concentrating particularly on his mane. He was encrusted. I regret not photographing it, but was pressed for time.

He looked like me, only bigger and more horse shaped.

I did my best in the limited time I had to wash him off, but it was not successful. At least he was clean enough to put a saddle on and did well even with the distractions of gunshots and frolicking foals. He’s sure come a long way.

I’m sure he will enjoy the mud these clouds have created.

That’s about all I have to write about today, because rather than contemplating wasting my money going to visit a cratered rock, I spent the rest of the day contemplating the value of life, the importance of friendship, and how we need to enjoy every moment we have on this planet, even when things are more than a little wonky.

I enjoyed the moment I saw this Nuptial Scorpionfly today!

Please know that if you’re my friend, you matter to me very much. And even if I don’t know you, I wish you a good life.

I’m Prejudiced – Insect-wise

This just dawned on me today. While I enjoy watching butterflies, I’m pretty darned uninterested in moths. You know, there are way more species of moths than of butterflies, because they developed long before butterflies did.

My most recent moth sighting is this Green Cloverworm or Black Snout moth (*Hypena scabra)*

And there are numerous beautiful moths, many of which live right here in Texas.

Twin-spotted Sphinx moth (*Smerinthus jamaicensis)*

And I’m not prejudiced against moths just before many of them look so similar to human eyes. Heck, most deer look alike but I still find them beautiful.

I had to ponder for quite a while, but when I walked into my office and looked around it hit me. Butterflies never mess with my sh**. Moths do. First, they show up at night and flutter in my face. I hate that.

Second, those nasty pantry moths have ruined my food repeatedly. I’m so glad I discovered those pheromones in boxes that cause them to die out.

Pantry moth or Indian Meal moth (*Plodia* *interpunctella*) grr.

Third, and worst, is the fact that clothing moths infected my house (before moving here) and ruined probably thousands of dollars of wool yarn and handmade clothing that took me hours and hours to make. Yep. I don’t like those mofos.

I’m not even sharing a clothing moths photo. This one is kind of pretty in its drab way. Brown-shaded Gray (*Iridopsis defectaria)*

I should probably just be prejudiced against certain moths and not generalize, right? Like I don’t condone how a large percentage of white American humans think, but I don’t feel annoyed at all of us. Hmmm. An analogy.

We all look alike anyway. Photo from Pixels.

I’ll work on loving the benign moths. And understanding that the ones who make me upset aren’t doing it directed toward me. They’re just being moths. Perhaps it will do me good to try to remember that humans who upset me are just being humans, and that it’s human nature to upset “the other.”

Hard Goals

What was the hardest personal goal you’ve set for yourself?

As tired as I am, I can answer this one (I don’t answer blog prompts lately because I’ve answered most of them). That’s good, because it was another day of barely getting through work and not being able to do much more.

I finished coloring this. It took a week or so in small doses.

So, I’ve probably mentioned this before and will again. But for years I had a hard time being the person I felt I could be, and it turns out I had a lot to do with it. Thanks to some issues in my birth family and an inherently sensitive nature, I was always very hard on myself.

I never met my own expectations. Any mistake I made lingered in my mind for a long time. I’d replay “dumb” things I said over and over. And I would constantly talk to myself in ways no one would talk to someone they cared about. I was ugly, fat, stupid, and so on. I was not nice to me.

Since I AM actually pretty smart and intuitive, I figured out that I was not helping myself with the negative self talk. So I had some therapy, talked things out with a group of safe and understanding women, meditated (a lot, still do), and read.

I’m very pleased to have come across the writing of Brené Brown. I’m also pleased someone made me read a self-help book. I find most of them really simplistic or not right for me. Her first few books opened my eyes to how much I was affecting my own self worth, and by that, encouraging others to pick at me or devalue me. Figuring out that I wasn’t the only one doing this to myself was a huge revelation. I got a much better outlook and began to heal.

I got tested a lot in this healing phase. Since I came to Cameron, a couple of people (who of course are suffering from their own internal battles) tried their best to break me down, give the community a bad impression of me, and hurt others I cared about. I’ve had some very hard times here in rural Texas, where even in a good day I’m a square peg not even trying to fit into a round hole.

But, one day, right after a very mean person was mean to me, something snapped in my brain. I told my patterns I was sick and tired of them and vowed to reframe the situation every time I started to berate myself.

Get this. It worked. After a while, weird thoughts like how good I felt, or how peaceful life was began to replace sadness. My negativity patterns have gone into background mode, and I feel so much better. Sure, that stuff is still down there and today’s trying times make feeling good about anything difficult. Yet, I honestly feel good about myself, like myself, and don’t beat myself up when I screw up (much). And of course, the horse riding lessons helped me practice gaining self confidence.

I kept telling myself I was fine just as I was and that it’s perfectly okay that not everybody likes me until it became true. I’ve even learned a bit about how to perform the once-mysterious act of “letting other people’s negativity slide right off my back.”

Maybe that’s why these bluebirds of happiness keep following me.

I try to cut others some slack, and accept those around me who confuse me just as they are. I just hope they find peace and joy on their path.

Who IS THIS version of Suna? She’s different. Not perfect, not better than anyone else, but at a good place in her spiritual journey.

So, blog prompt readers, loving myself and treating myself kindly were my hardest goals.

Now I’ll move on towards being less judgmental (making good progress), and being so afraid to speak up about what I see as wrong. There’s always room for improvement!

I’m a Very Dull Person

And at this point in my life, that’s fine. I enjoy a Facebook group called Dull Women’s Club by Sara Green, and it’s been wonderful reading about the ordinary lives of “dull” women all over the world. Each one is unique and fascinating, whether they’re young, old, rich, poor, or whatever. And people are so kind to each other in the comments. It’s not full of trolls and AI bots, just real women. If they’re dull, I’m happy to be one of these dull but kind and brave women who share their lives with strangers.

Welcome to the dull horses’ club, where we sigh at the sunrise.

I hadn’t intended to write about actual good stuff in social media, but I digressed. I’d been thinking that any topic I could come up with this week has been pretty darned dull. For example.

When I rinsed off Apache’s sweat crystals today, he was dirtier than when I started. I need a real hose nozzle.
Yesterday the highlight of the day was watching Black Vultures surround a move who’d just given birth so they could get the afterbirth. The calf was very strong and nursed away before the placenta was delivered.
I had a great conversation with my dental hygienist about celery, it’s plusses and minuses (minus—flossing the fibers out).
I almost wrote about how much I like my dental practice. They have low staff turnaround and don’t lecture you. And the dentist is the king of Dad jokes
The upstairs air conditioning is still out. It’s becoming hot outside again, so I truly hope the part comes in soon.
Better news. The motorhome is repaired…again. We will see if our next trip goes more smoothly.
I’ve discovered that Crayola swirl crayons do a great job of mimicking stained glass with mixed colors in it. I do love crayons. And colored pencils. And pens. What a stereotypical old lady writer.
Connie is molting giant white feathers. The poultry area looks like it’s snowed.
I spent 20 minutes looking at tiny insects on tiny aster flowers. I also watched clouds.
I’m enjoying work this week. I love writing helpful material. That’s SO dull.

Yep. I’m not in an exciting phase. And I’m just not up for a big long introspective (and probably dull) monologue, either. So, that’s what you get for today. At least I wrote!

How Can You Cope in Today’s Troubled Times?

There are some practices and “mind tricks“ I use to stay on a level key while the world of people, politics, and ethics changes to something almost unrecognizable. Note that I am not describing how to remain calm (I no longer know what that means or if anyone is “sane“ anymore). But rather I want to share what I do to keep myself productive, centered, and able to find joy/good/happiness.

I wrote this all out by hand. I needed to write.

Spend as much time outdoors as possible, doing chores, getting exercise, relaxing—it all counts.

You might see spring flowers in September!

Meditate. I count some of my bird observation is this – deep focus on breathing sound, etc. turning off the internal chatter (when I dictated the text, this came out as “cheddar”) that adds to anxiety.

Stay in the moment. Be aware of your surroundings. Pay attention to people and things around you. This lets you see moments of peace and beauty amid broader chaos.

Limit exposure to negativity. Stop listening to provocative sources of information remove controversial people from your life as much as possible – if you must be around someone (coworker, family, or service provider) set boundaries and only interact on neutral topics so you can just walk away physically or mentally.

Assume good intentions. Remind yourself that people who upset you mostly aren’t doing so to bother you —often they think they are doing good —so treat them kindly, assuming they are well intentioned from their perspective, and let them share their thoughts, but let unintentionally hurtful things flow over you —you can be kind and not let the harmful stuff inside you.

Treat people kindly. Doing something nice for no other reason than it’s the right thing to do makes you feel better and invites good to come back to you.

Be grateful. Take the kindness of others in and be grateful for it. Expressed your gratitude, because a lot of people really seem to crave the positive affirmation, and it doesn’t hurt to help them out.

Give yourself permission to relax and retreat. Read a book watch a funny or engaging television show or video. Do this in moderation. Hiding in Facebook or on TikTok can be a problem.

Remind yourself of connections. However you are connected to other people, groups and cultures, treasure your own connections to your groups and enjoy them—just not to the exclusion of others. We are ALL family. (OK I’m preaching here.)

—All X people are evil/my enemy. No, the ideas they are being fed are the issue, not the people. Be angry at the source, which most likely is corporate interests (says Suna and Robert Reich).

—I can’t do anything about X. No, by keeping yourself strong and focused on positive and constructive ideas and practices you are doing something.

—Person X drives me batty. Guess what? You choose your reaction to person X. Change it.

Laugh. Find people places or media that make you laugh or laugh at yourself kindly.

Enjoy animals. Domesticated or wild, they share our earth and are good enough to share their calm or funniness. Horses and dogs help me.

Recognize your limitations. We can’t do everything or fix every problem. Choose your battles and let go of minor issue. Discern what is within your capacity to change and do those things.

Hint: you can’t change other people‘s personalities and entrenched beliefs. You can change your reaction. This is a big lesson.

Love yourself. Remind yourself that you are lovable just as you are. Your mistakes and flaws do not define you or make you less deserving of love. It’s great to be loved and to accept love coming your way, but you aren’t defined by whether or not someone loves you. Everyone else is lovable too, just maybe not by you, sometimes

Your spiritual guides (God, spirit, goddess Buddha) love you just the way you are, too. If yours places conditions on its love consider another alternative.

Don’t hate people. If you want something to abhor there are plenty of other options. I abhor war, gun, violence, intolerance, corporate, greed, dysfunctional government, unethical propaganda, and institutions set up to divide people rather than unite them. I don’t hate people. Something made them the way they are, even egomaniacs and psychopaths. Hatred does not make anything better.

Forgive. Let go of resentment towards bullies mean people, hurtful individuals, etc. Letting resentment fester does not lead to peace. People screw up. Forgive them like you’d like to be when you screw up. You can’t fix some folks, but you can forgive them and move on.

Take care who you trust. Confirmation bias is real. Don’t just trust people who agree with you automatically. Instead, trust people with no vested interest in manipulating you or your emotions or in encouraging divisive thinking. This is hard, I know.

Surround yourself with things that make you happy (spark Joy ha ha ha). This will be different for each of us. I have lots of objects that help me: crystals, figurines of birds and horses, live flowers when possible, a cheerful coffee mug, a journal covered with stickers, colored pins, books art made by me or my family, and so much more. Other people might need minimal distractions to feel happy some need clean surroundings things that smell, good etc. You do you and don’t let others’ opinions of your surroundings bother you. They can do their own stuff. (Now, shared spaces require compromise, of course. There can be no fun scents in a house that contains my spouse.)

Move around. When you’re feeling overwhelmed or sad or afraid you can want to just stay in bed or your chair and curl up. But try to remind yourself that moving around/exercise is one of the best ways to lift your spirits. Even marching around your house or dancing to music helps. I like to take walks so I can observe beauty around me and experience the world with all my senses. Riding my horse is also very helpful, because I need to focus on what I’m doing rather than other issues.

Do some crafts. Making things helps you focus on something you enjoy, and creating items for others is an act of kindness thate brings positivity into your life.

July and August of my temperature blanket project.

Read inspirational or beautiful material. I love my nature books, and my magazines about horses, art, home improvement, and spirituality. Just be sure to find uplifting and interesting content. I have to limit my political and historical reading.

And finally, remember what the scripture below tells us.

Tee hee. I, too, can cherry pick Bible verses that support my point.

So…what other ideas do you have to share with others as we try to get through this time together?

Three Thoughts I Had

Are they all true truisms? You can decide.

One. The best time to go to Costco on the weekend in a college town is during a home football game. Everyone but nerds, Goths, old hippies (us), and people with toddlers whose piercing screams can damage hearing are at the game or watching it with friends. Perhaps the screaming toddler is optional.

Very empty Costco parking lot as the sun was going down.

Two. If you happen to get overheated (say the only time you had during the day to exercise your horse is around noon in high humidity), go inside and cool down while hydrating before jumping into a shower, even if you need to leave to go have fun. If you shower while your body temperature is still elevated, you will commence sweating after you “dry off,” and if you have whatever syndrome has caused me to sweat rivers, you will be dripping and soaking your clean clothing. Thus, you’ll stay overheated longer and negate the shower. The fun can wait.

Three. All those influencers should STFU about the pressing need for all older women to “do something” about their “belly fat” or “fat apron.” First, since nearly every older woman I know develops this at a certain age, it seems to be normal and nothing to feel shame over. Second, what if that fat is where all our wisdom that can’t fit in our brains lives? I keep reading how important the gut is to mental functioning. Maybe it is doing something important down there.

I’m going to call it my wisdom belly, pat it, and thank it for doing its job, whatever it actually is.

Those are my thoughts. Now for an observation that surprised me. We went to the Barnes and Noble in College Station today, because I miss good bookstores. The only ones I get to these days are the little one in Rockdale that’s full of fantasy and romance books and the BookPeople branch in the Austin airport (a mere shadow of the real magnificent store).

Both Lee and I enjoyed ourselves very much. I had a nice time looking at the other patrons, their ages, their clothing, their mannerisms. I caught myself thinking, “Wow, these people look so normal.” You see, it was those same Goths, nerds, old (very) hippies, gamers, and professorial types I’d later see in Costco. Apparently that’s my idea of normal?

Upon reflection I realized that other than the past five or so years, I’ve lived in cities with universities and lots of engineers (Gainesville, Urbana-Champaign, and Austin). My jobs have been with writers and software developers. Yep. That’s what I see as “normal,” not ranchers, farmers, cowboys, small-town business people, and rural poor folks.

I wonder how long it will take for my brain to feel as at home in Cameron or Temple (more of a military area) as I do in college towns? I don’t feel bad about discovering this about myself. I’m sure everyone feels more comfortable in familiar surroundings. But I’ve been out here a good while, know lots of people, have great friends…so I’m a little disappointed that I haven’t assimilated very well. I’m still from another culture. Hmm.

Hey, I do have a yard full of tractors and other such conveyances.

Well Dang

Trying to stay on an even keel these days is a challenge, isn’t it? No need to name all the reasons why, because you know the ones that affect us all, and we each have our own personal stresses, grief, and challenges.

Today was one of those days when the dam burst and I felt all the feelings. I needed to feel them so I could regroup. The Buddha reminds us that life is suffering, but he also shared ways to cope, grow, learn, and move on.

That’s what I’m reminding myself of today, as I processed warmongers, school shootings, friends’ loss of parents, and frightening political climate.

Trite but true: all things must pass.

Like these bluebirds and brown birds, I feel like. I don’t know which way to go, so I teeter in the middle.

Yep, Everyone Is Interesting

It’s true, and the interesting stranger at the Portland Airport agrees. I had things to write about yesterday and plans to work on a blog on my way home. That didn’t happen, and it’s not a bad thing, because I was talking to interesting people, as I did the whole time I was in suburban Portland.

Look, kids, it’s Mount Hood! I did my sightseeing from the plane.

As many wise folks have pointed out before me, everyone has a story to tell. They also say it’s hard to feel animosity towards people when you can see what you have in common and know what they’ve been through. For example, one of my Uber drivers was forced to flee Peru, but he’s made a good life here. All the Uber drivers I had on my trip were interesting and taught me things, so I’m glad I had the chance to ride so often. I had some really fun times explaining that Texas isn’t all bad. One guy was shocked I managed to live in a small town and not be a Christian Fascist (or whatever they’re called these days).

This mountain had a smoke ring! My friend Alice thinks it’s Mount Jefferson.

The people I talked to at my workplace were also a fun bunch. Portland seems to be crawling with musicians! And many people had horses or once did. It was fun hanging out with young parents and learning how they do things today. Lots of creativity and/or multi-generational households to handle child care.

I had an oddly frank and open conversation about life with a random punk rocker disguised as a businessman in the airport, as I mentioned above. He was a bit scattered, in a good way, and we found we had much in common. That’s what brought me back to everyone being interesting if you talk to them. So I just continued being friendly and talked to a fellow worried about his large dog traveling in the cargo hold, and I made the flight attendant so happy by asking her about her beautiful silver bracelet she was wearing, which happened to be made by a Hawaiian artist. The flight attendant was beaming as she told me how much she loved it.

Sweet stories from random people keep me hoping we can pull our society back together. Humans are not all mean and hateful like the media so often says they are.

Enough of that. I did want to share that I got to see some Oregon plants and hear some birds yesterday by taking a lunch walk. I found an area where there’s a big effort being made to restore native plants, on property the company I consult for seems to own. The plants were surrounded by two things. One was the ever-present wild blackberries. I ate a lot, since there weren’t right on the roadside and covered with automotive residues.

The other thing I saw were rows of gnarled old trees, which look like they’d been cut down to stumps but we’re trying to come back, fighting through ivy and berries. I couldn’t tell what they were, but I figured they were something that was once harvested. When I finally got to upload photos to iNaturalist, it turned out they were hazelnut trees! Before Tualatin got industrialized, it must have grown nuts. Cool.

There was also a small forest remnant next to the offices, with a short path running through it. I enjoyed seeing the ferns, evergreens, and native maples (among others).

After seeing a California Jay, another new one on my list, I felt satisfied that I’d seen at least a little nature. Then my ride to the airport, a really nice man very much like me, took us through downtown to save time, so I got a bonus tour. Yay for avoiding the crowded interstate!

There, I’m caught up, back with my animals and humans, and ready for what’s next. After some sleep!