Ramblings – Page 22 – The Hermits' Rest

We Made It! 15 Years Married!

It’s significant to me that Lee and I made it to 15 years of marriage. When you get married at age 50 you just hope you get some good years together!

Is the day after the wedding, opening cards. Lee looks like someone I don’t know. We’ve both gone a lot grayer.

We have done so. There have been times when we were both out of work and times when we were doing better than we ever expected. Now it’s medium! I’ll take it.

The emotional highs and lows have evened out, too, and I’m glad for that. It took a lot to get through some of the drama in our families, and that hasn’t changed. We just cope better now.

We’ve both done a lot of soul searching and gotten more emotionally stable, which helps when you have two people who don’t argue with each other well. It’s good to be able to step back and not react to each other’s quirky ways of being upset. You learn that through time.

I think this is the only time Lee has been clean-shaven since I knew him.

Anyway, I’m happy to have Lee to face the coming “interesting” times with. We are each other’s stability, I think.

We went to dinner in Rockdale, the next town over, where there’s a new Italian restaurant off the lobby of a motel. Yep. Small town living. It was excellent and a good change of pace since we still don’t go out much since COVID. All good.

Daily Bird

Today I’m going with the white-crowned sparrow, another friendly winter resident. They’re all over the place right now, with their white-throated friends. They don’t sing as much, but they have a pretty song in addition to a lot of chirping.

Mostly I enjoy watching them in the brush piles scratching for food. The younger ones completely blend in with their surroundings. See if you can find any immature birds in these photos of shiny adults!

Is It Instinct?

Do you trust your instincts?

I can’t top yesterday’s blog post, so I’ll just answer the daily prompt.

I’ve always trusted my instincts. I’m intuitive. Besides that, I think I take in cues I don’t consciously perceive that lead me to know what I should or want to do. It’s just how I’m built. I’m not good at deliberation; in fact many bad decisions I’ve made came from overthinking.

Sure, things go wrong, but often I learn the most when acting on instinct and getting different results than I expected. You just make the best decision with the information you have at the time. The worst thing is to not do anything at all, so my instincts are good enough for me.

Bug of the day is a young green stink bug. Yep, not green at this stage.

Honestly, as I’ve gotten older I’ve quit believing any predictions, promises, or plans for the future. I’m just going with the flow and not trying to influence the outcome. I’ll learn what I’m meant to learn. That has lessened my anxiety considerably.

Bird watching also helps. I saw the kingfisher catch a fish today!

So yeah, I think my instincts are correct for me and I’ll stick with them.

My instinct today was that I needed to spend some time with my equine friends. So while Drew was being a pain for Sara while she tried to trim his hooves, I hung out with the other horses.

I got burs out of them, which took a while for Dusty. His mane is sparse, but his thick tail was just about all bur. He munched hay and let me work on him. I brushed him, too, which he always likes.

I still manage to get burs in this little tuft.

Mostly I worked with Mabel, though. She’s been on a product called Gut-X for a while and it seems to have done the trick and helped her put on more weight. I’m pleased.

She’d already been getting happier, and now she voluntarily comes up for attention. She let me fix up her tail and much of her mane, but mostly she wanted to be brushed softly and stroked. We spent a long time just being together.

Still has that face only a mother could love.

After I was done, she stood in her pen and yawned over and over. This kind of release is a very good sign in a horse. She’s feeling good, even though one hoof is cracked and her eye had been runny earlier (she got hay in there).

Today’s Bird

Today I saw a bird we all see often, but one I rarely see here at the ranch. It really surprised me, as it was sitting on top of the utility vehicle right next to me as I went through the gate from the house.

The pigeon never moved. Eventually it must have flown off, though. We see doves here (mourning, white-winged, Inca) but not often pigeons. Wonder where it came from?

It’s Easy to Guess My Favorite Subject in School

What was your favorite subject in school?

It rained and rained and I worked and worked today, so I didn’t have any “adventures” to write about. I was glad to see the blog prompt for today, since it fit in with my day’s activities.

Have you guessed my favorite subject in school? It’s pretty obvious, though after sixth grade there were really two.

Since I have the condition where I’m just driven to write (hypergraphia, self diagnosed), it’s no surprise that I loved English grammar and composition. I still do, though I’ve cut out all the convoluted sentences and polysyllabic vocabulary of my youth, at least in public.

I don’t have any photos from today, so consider these old collages as writing prompts.

There’s nothing I liked better than to be assigned to diagram me some sentences or write a nice, juicy composition. Term papers with lots o’ footnotes were also my idea of fun. In high school the only way I got a boyfriend was to find the guy who liked fancy sentences as much as I did (he’s an English/film studies professor now).

But I did have another passion, which, probably not coincidentally, involved arranging words in certain ways. It was my second love, choral music. I loved how chords worked, harmonies intertwined, and crescendos followed decrescendos. While writing was a solo activity, chorus involved working with others, blending and matching in tone.

I learned a lot about discipline, learning rules so you can later break them, cooperation, and vulnerability through these activities. Sharing your writing and performing in public are not easy until you get a lot of practice and learn to take feedback constructively. (My high school chorus teacher and grad school advisor are still alive and could tell you how much I had to learn in that area.) (Note that there’s still work to be done.)

Thanks for being an audience for my blog. It’s a nice break from job aids and meeting minutes, which I wrote all day today. I’m lucky to have a place to be a “real,” person, not an influencer or manufactured celebrity.

These SoulCollage cards can make you think.

Go out and read some other great blogs by real people! I love learning what I have in common with others, as well as our differences. I learn a lot, and you can, too.

We learn more if we look. Right now looking can be hard.

Time Is Not Real

Do you need time?

But it feels like it. Just like I can’t be my higher self and live in the moment, I feel like it’s necessary to act like time marches forward since everyone else thinks it does.

The Temperature Blanket, current as of November 6, acts like time is real.

I had more things in the bullet journal to do today than I was able to get to. That’s even with working on videos while doing my helping calls. But I’ll start again.

Trying to get burs out of horse manes and tails required way more time than there were hours in the late afternoon. But I got Apache’s mane cleared off and I got him to eat his medicine. Tarrin was right. Burying it in senior horse feed got him to eat.

It was a hard day. Money stuff was hard. Horse stuff was hard. Work was work-like. I’m still full of anxiety but I got back on my medication. I hope I don’t leave it next time I go camping!

I did have time for lunch with the friends and to check out progress on the new bakery being renovated in town. That will be another great addition to downtown Cameron!

It’s an extra cheerful blue now. Quite an improvement.

Secretly I’m sending tons of good thoughts for friends dealing with the consequences of mishaps and accidents that happened to loved ones. Know you’re in my thoughts, friends.

International Day of Peaceful Rationality

Invent a holiday! Explain how and why everyone should celebrate.

Today’s prompt made me think, especially in light of all my efforts at bringing peace into my soul the past few days. I’d love a holiday that encourages people to sit back and drop their antagonistic thoughts toward “the other” for a day and work together to create sensible, rational solutions to the issues that conspire to keep all of us from having the chance to live meaningful, productive lives.

I saw a belted kingfisher and a bunch of fish jumping today!

I predict my holiday could lead to arguments over the meaning of peace and the relevance of rationality. But I can dream, can’t I?

Some of us live in peace and safety, like this little buck. Most of us live in a world full of deer feeders fattening us up to feed someone else.

I’m cynical today. Sometimes the news makes you feel even less optimistic than others. And this is after hiding in the woods for a few days. I’m still in the woods, but it was a long work day. I’m happy my office setup works so well. It’s really freeing to be able to work anywhere you have bandwidth.

I’m ready to get home and take care of the animals myself. I hope Apache’s new meds arrived and will work out. I hope humans work things out, too, but I’m betting on the horse.

What’s your holiday?

A Different Me

What alternative career paths have you considered or are interested in?

Here’s a prompt I was interested in. I was really stuck on a career path until I was about 26 and realized I didn’t want to write about little syllables at the ends of Japanese words the rest of my life. But I loved the teaching of linguistics. I love teaching anything.

Todays illustrations are cool cloud formations from today.

The first path I should have considered was getting a degree in music education so I could teach choral music and sing in choruses. That seems more likely than making a living in folk-rock.

Another path would have been to switch my college major to biology once I realized how good I was at it. I could have gotten to do field research and written marginally more interesting scientific papers…or taught biology. Still, I’d get to hang out in nature for a living. But I’d have ended up specializing in maggots or something, knowing my luck.

I could have done forestry and become a park ranger? Right now that’s my vote, especially if I could ride horses in the forest.

I seriously considered a career change in mid life to work in a yarn shop and teach knitting and design patterns. I enjoy doing that still, but I’m not creative or driven enough to actually make a living at it. I sure admire my friends who do it, though.

Someday I’d like to write a book that’s got a plot. Obviously I have a lot of words in me. They just need more structure than a blog! I do write for my job, but honestly, I’d be writing every day no matter what. Maybe I’d write letters. Maybe I’d write poems or songs. Who knows? I just enjoy making sentences. That’s not a different me; the writer is the real me.

I don’t think photography is a potential career path.

So…what are your alternative careers?

Listening to Myself Talk

One of the odder things I do in my job is record myself talking about software. It’s nice and low-tech, using a fairly nice headset and inexpensive recording software (Audacity). I’m not making a fancy podcast or recording music, so this works fine.

Of course, I have to edit the recordings, which requires a lot of listening to myself talk. I’ve gotten good at just pausing when I mess up and starting again at the previous place where I paused, so no one can tell I edited the recording. You have to use the same pitch and volume to do a good job. Sometimes I don’t.

Just like sometimes my photos are dang blurry.

Over the years I’ve trained myself not to gasp before I talk, not to make clicking sounds between words, to put ending consonants at the ends of words without sounding overly precise, and to vary my pitch so people won’t fall asleep. Doing it right the first time makes the process much less tedious.

I write out a script, so I won’t forget important details, but do my best to write words I can say naturally. My love of parenthetical expressions doesn’t get to come out much in the scripts. And I keep my sentences fairly short, as much as I can with talking about computers.

The best outcome of recording training videos is that I’ve become comfortable with the sound of my own voice. Like many people, I used to cringe at recordings of myself, because it didn’t sound like my voice does in my head when I’m talking. But now I think I sound fine. It’s sorta southern, but just a bit, not like my informal voice. I’d probably cringe to hear a recording of me telling a story like I did tonight at the Master Naturalist Meeting.

My fancy recording voice is like my shadow self. It’s very bland.

The only reason I wrote this blog entry is that it’s what was passing through my mind as I was about to fall asleep from another busy day. I guess I dragged whoever reads this through my sleepy thoughts.

Drew wanted me to write about his new browband. And that his head is healing fine.

Can You Guess My Favorite Hobby?

What is your favorite hobby or pastime?

Oh my. If you’ve known me for the past few years, you’ll probably have a good idea what my favorite hobby is. Or you’re saying, “Wait a minute, how can Suna choose between knitting/crocheting and horses?”

You’re right. I can’t choose between my two favorite activities, which I’ve consistently loved since early childhood. I think I liked horses the moment I popped out of the womb, and I was knitting in kindergarten. I’m not one to stray from things I love, which does lead to “clutter,” I guess.

Current temperature blanket progress. This is September. Still hot. The next row will be better!

But I’ve given up on caring if people judge me for my collections!

Note that reading and hanging out in nature are not listed among my favorite hobbies. That’s because they are necessities, not hobbies.

Change of Mind, Change of Weather

What’s a topic or issue about which you’ve changed your mind?

I was going to be flip and answer this one with “golf.” I thought it was boring and elitist when I was young, and getting my head cracked open by a golf club in bad ole 8th grade didn’t help (when I mentioned this earlier I forgot to add that as I stumbled my way alone and bleeding to the school nurse, I rubbed blood all over the exterior of Plantation Middle School, to express my disgust with my situation. They never did golf again in middle school PE. However, I’ve come to enjoy watching golf on television and have fun at Top Golf.

No golf photos, but here’s a painted lady.

My more serious answer is that I’ve changed my mind about Christianity. I have gradually come to realize that I am not fond of institutional religion in general, not just Christianity. Also, I realized that what upsets me most about certain Christian sects is how bizarrely they’ve distorted the message of peace, kindness, and caring that the historical Christ preached into a war-mongering, cruel, and disdainful way of enforcing power over the masses in favor of a privileged few.

It turns out that there are Christians with whom I agree very much and whose ideas I’m happy to incorporate into my life, along with wise people from other traditions. So, I am still quite unimpressed with many versions of Christianity, but I’m very comfortable with the teachings of Christ (not Paul’s version).

A bee I’d never seen before. ID not confirmed.

Enough of that. Huzzah! Today was the day! Pleasant weather arrived! I even had to wear a sweatshirt getting Drew ready to go to a horse clinic. I just basked all day and couldn’t make myself stay inside even after I got home. I wandered around taking pictures for the pollinator BioBlitz that’s going on.

Texas nightshade (*Solanum triquetrum*) is a pretty plant that only grows in one spot on our property.

The nice weather made the clinic lots of fun, even though Drew was not on his best behavior much of the time, because he was very distracted by a beautiful mare (I don’t know what makes a mare beautiful to a hormonal gelding, but she is very pretty.

Eventually he settled down, but not after I had to trot him in a circle so many times I was getting dizzy. He was distracted. Once we switched to obstacles, he did better. We jumped! And we went around a corner backwards. There were challenges due to my lack of skill, but I got through the day.

It was funny that all three horses in my group were gray. Drew’s the tiny one that doesn’t cost tens of thousands of dollars. But he is just fine.

Brilliantly, we separated Drew from Luna for the photo.

Hanging out with the horse gang again was just great. I’m glad summer is over so we can have fun and learn more. There’s lots to learn!

Sara got this picture of Drew not grasping the concept of sharing space with Aragorn.

Feeling Out of Place

Tell us about a time when you felt out of place.

I have a healthy amount of Imposter Syndrome going on, stemming mainly from feeling so horribly untalented at what I went to grad school for, even though I loved it. But mostly I’ve been able to blend in, make conversation, or at least get by in whatever situation I get thrown in.

I admit I felt uncomfortable during the years we were studying real estate renovations and investment, especially when we got labeled as “big investors” and getting invited to special receptions and events (like a sky box at a football game—I couldn’t do rich people small talk so I sat in the seats and watched the game. I’m good at football watching. I grew up working class or barely middle class, so I missed out on rich people issues and topics. They talked a lot about taxes when just a year or two before mine were easily done by Turbo Tax.

Now, though, I understand horse expenses.

But the time I felt most out of place was the 1971-72 school year, when I was removed from a junior high school where I fit in, had my advanced classes, and was popular among the smart hippie kids. I was placed in a new town, which was a kinda snobby suburb. That was ok. But the school was an “open classroom.” Three grades, 6-8, were all in a giant room with lockers delineating learning areas. Black kids were bussed in from miles away and not thrilled about it. All abilities were in the same classroom, which was supposed to be just fine for learners and teachers, because we were supposed to teach ourselves, each at our own pace.

It was hell. Science class was good, because we all learned at the same time, mainly how to hurt each other with lab equipment. Much of the year, the white kids would have nothing to do with a hippie kid. The black girls were more friendly. Eventually I had friends.

But this whole system was chaos. By halfway through the year I’d finished English and social studies, so three of us would go to the open air library and crawl under a table to read plays to each other. Shakespeare was quite naughty, we thought. Probably it’s banned today.

But I couldn’t teach myself algebra, even with a friend trying with me. She was brilliant. But we needed a teacher, and Mr. Schecter had no interest in teaching, just grading papers. So my friend and I crocheted purses. Hmm. I did a lot of extra-curricular stuff.

Anyway, that was the year I fainted in volleyball and took a golf club to my head. Only chorus was fun. Made lifelong friends there!

I was a square peg in that giant round hole of a school building. I lost a year of math, too. I had to do Algebra I again, so I was behind many of my friends.

I’m sure I drove my parents up a wall, as we used to say, that year. I felt like a complete misfit, but these memories reminded me there was plenty of fun. Change was just hard for an adolescent with severe anxiety. I didn’t even know what anxiety was. I was just “too sensitive.”

I’m glad I have my circle of human and animal friends to support me now!