I’m not ashamed that I’ve dealt with anxiety most of my life. I’m just wired that way. For the past few years I’ve done a lot of work to manage the stress levels in my life. I’ve:
Changed jobs.
Cut out volunteer work where people didn’t respect me or weren’t truthful.
Minimized contact with people who put me down or try to manipulate me.
Changed my internal self talk to be more positive.
Made good progress on liking myself even when I can see my unlikeable traits.
Stopped trying to fix things I can’t control, including wars, divisive politics, other people’s beliefs, and other people’s actions.
Spent more time in nature.
Got more exercise. Especially with horses.
And I keep flowers in my life.
Nonetheless, BOOM, anxiety attacked me today. My chest has hurt all day. Badly. My neck has tingled. My mouth feels numb. All the fun stuff.
Poor Bitmoji me.
I think it’s because my boss said yesterday that I interrupt too much. He’s totally right. It’s why I hate talking on the phone or in groups. I have a weird inability to take turns in conversation. That’s got to be annoying to others, since I’m often embarrassed when it happens.
I’d like to disappear.
Everyone has issues. But sensitive people like me can take a small comment and leap to conclusions, like that they won’t renew my contract because of it. I know I’m a good writer, though, which helps counter my conversational impairment. I can edit writing. No wonder most of my jobs have been online!
Not my best thing
The thing is, I know I shouldn’t beat myself up for things I know are an issue but am working hard on. I’m paying attention and trying once again to be quieter in meetings. Usually my issues rear up when I relax and stop self censoring. I guess the real me is just an over-talking, sarcastic, judgmental bitch. But a lovable one, right?
I’ll knit you a heart.
At this point in my life, it’s going to be easier to just accept myself and enjoy being with people who accept me, warts and all. I’ll certainly return the favor and grant them the grace to be their flawed selves. I should add that to the end of my bullet points above.
Sigh. I was going to destress by riding Apache, but I realized the horses are now all together, which I hadn’t realized was imminent. They all ran far away. Mmm. Grass. I think two horses are going to the Farm this weekend, which will be easier on Drew.
Instead, I really-did my horse playground, since it was taken apart to mow, and a new fence is going to cut some of it off. That was enough exercise!
Ready to jump, slalom, figure 8, circle, and side pass. And plenty of leg yield space.
See, I’m flexible and going with the flow and adapting to change. Gooooooo Suna.
First, I do not have anything contagious; my lunch (which was delicious) disagreed with me. And I felt okay this morning, when I worked on so many different things that it made my head spin.
I need to stop and admire the flowers, like Fiona.
After a fun time telling a new coworker fun things to do where she lives (one neighborhood over from where the kids grew up in Brushy Creek), I headed out to lunch with Anita for our newly traditional weekly gab-fest. It was so nice to just share our week together like we used to.
I told her they got this far on the pool house deck.
By the time I finished getting groceries that Lee had missed when he went out (plus ice cream—why I usually stay home), my stomach was sad. Rather than go to bed and rest, I instead dove into every work project I could think of, including some stuff that hurt my head. Me learning SharePoint is probably like my coworkers trying to learn Planview. It is counterintuitive and won’t let me do what I want to do.
Another exciting home improvement is this screen door to the garage. No chickens allowed!
Actually it is probably descended from the bane of my existence when I did websites, the dreaded Microsoft FrontPage, which let you make any website you wanted, as long as it looked just like one of its templates. I digress.
Goldie says, “Focus, Suna.”
But by golly, I made a thing I find absolutely hideous, but is quite SharePointy and full of big margins, giant useless images, and not enough information to tell you anything. Yay. It did, however, take my mind off my stomach hurting.
I’ll clean your ears.
I then wrote a bunch of blogs for other organizations, did miscellaneous to-do items, and nearly checked off all the bullets in my bullet journal for the day. So far I only have one bullet for tomorrow. Ah. Horse stuff with Sara!
Another Topic
By the way, I got recertification for another year as a Texas Master Naturalist! I’m enjoying it more this year, since it’s a lot less stressful just being the secretary. And no, I will not take over the website until I retire from paid employment. Boundaries! I have them!
Hey, look, I’m with my most faithful blog reader, Catherine!
I’m quite proud of my fellow volunteers, though, and so glad I get to see them again. I just had to hug a couple of women I’d missed so much. And I was very sad to learn that Sam, one of our members in the last class, had passed away this week. He was so helpful to our older members and did some good work.
So yes, life’s short. That’s why I spent good time with my horses and Fiona this afternoon. I groomed and loved on them as hard as I could. It was my reward for getting through the afternoon of mental and physical owies. It’s just so peaceful when everyone is in a good mood and crunching away on their dinners.
It’s not peaceful on the patio. By the way, Alfred is just to the right of the photo, pawing for attention.
Whatever you are celebrating this weekend, enjoy it. I’ll enjoy what everyone else is celebrating, with thoughts of peace and kindness to all, even those who want to cause you pain. I’m just not letting it happen!
Drew’s stay in the equine ICU was not his idea of a good time. He was in a weird smelling place, though at least he had a buddy there. And oh, the indignity, they made him wear a muzzle that prevented him from eating the shavings on the floor. What’s a hungry boy to do?
I didn’t take pictures of his sad state, so here’s the lobby of the place.
The caregivers did great. His lungs look a bit worse, so he has to cone back next week. Glad it’s only 40 minutes away.
Here’s where he stayed. It’s a separate ICU and treatment building.
Drew was happy to get out of there. I was not surprised at the bill, but yow. We went home with stomach coating stuff in pill form that he is supposed to take 8 of, three times a day. He also has medication to keep him calm and antibiotics. I have to feed him probiotics, too. That I already had. Argh. This will be a learning curve!
At least we had a nice sunset, though it might have been caused by all the awful fires.
We got him home late, but I gave him some goopy food that he loved. He has to be in his pen for a week. He will not like that. Poor Droodles.
Pour me.
This morning was challenging. I tried to crush his pills in the food processor but I apparently don’t know how to work it. The blender worked, though, so I made it up and took it to his muddy pen.
Ta da.
My main learning is that I need to put a halter on him to hold his head, and that a helper would sure be useful. Too bad there isn’t one! I ended up sorta getting him to lick it off my hand. He’s so sweet. Sigh. I have to give that stuff, then feed an hour later. Moral: glad I work from home.
I’d prefer food. Even soupy food.
I’m sure I’ll get better at all this. And the sun is out after another stormy night. Rain is good!
Sometimes being the guardian of a companion animal is scary as heck. One minute you’re admiring how healthy your animal is and the next minute you’re hoping they aren’t dying.
How healthy this horse looks! No more ribs sticking out.
Right after I took this picture, something startled him or he took too big of a mouthful and he started coughing. That got me concerned. I tried to get him to drink some water, which was hard because the hose was behind some stuff. I mentally berated myself for feeding him where there was no water available and for not wetting his food enough.
Breathe and enjoy the sunset reflected on the Tahoe on our way home.
Then his food started coming out of his nose. I was trying to figure out what it was he had, and all I could say was he was SICK! I texted Tarrin and asked if it could be choke, once I remembered the name of it, and she said to get him to the vet.
I called the Texas Equine vets, thrilled they have emergency service. Lee got me there really fast. I’m so grateful for his support and patience after I was crying and worried. But we got Drew there in time!
Thanks, Mom and Lee. The wet area is from his ultrasound.
The vets and assistant were great. So was Drew. He walked into the treatment room like he always does it. He stood quietly for all the treatments, which looked pretty icky. He was sedated, of course, which relaxed him.
See, I’m relaxed.
Lee had never seen some of the procedures, so he got quite an education. When they put the twitch on Drew’s nose he was surprised! Drew was fine with it. He was very good when they ultrasounded his lungs. He didn’t seem to have aspirated much, if any, good. That’s good, since pneumonia is a common consequence of choke.
Before any gross stuff came out.
And the procedure for clearing the blockage was fascinating but messy. They pumped water up a tube, which came out along with stuck food. The good news is that I got him there quickly, so the stuff was fresh.
Going in.
It seemed to take forever to get the blockage cleared. The tube went farther and farther down. Horses have very long esophaguses. Drew was a real trooper.
After they were sure he was clear, they put in some oil to test that things are going through. We decided to leave him there overnight in case he colics, which is another possible consequence of choke. I sure wish horses could barf. That would have solved the problem.
More sunset to recover with.
I was so worried. Drew looked miserable with all that stuff coming out of him. At least I figured out what it was and that it was serious. The vets said sometimes people wait a long time before bringing the horse in, which can be bad. I’m sure grateful for the kind and competent staff at the facility. I love this little guy so much and just want him healthy and happy.
Kathleen was telling me that when Mabel choked last year, it was on similar food. And Tarrin said she’s had horses get into cattle cubes recently. Luckily they cleared theirs. I guess this isn’t as uncommon as I thought. But wow, there went what had been a great day so far!
Lee and I enjoyed our sunset coming home, though. And I’m feeling better after the support of my horsey friends and neighbors. Y’all rock.
Today I was a fluttering, unfocused mess all morning. I dropped things. I didn’t plan things well and had to deal with the consequences. My stomach was all upset. Yuck. Anxiety said howdy to me.
We both needed some time in the woods.
But, even as I continually annoyed my spouse and horses, I continued on and made it to Apache and Drew’s training sessions this morning. It was just what we all needed.
Keep my head straight.
The minute I started concentrating on the lessons, I was fine. Putting my mind in one task, helping the horses and me become better partners, I could focus. Apache and I practiced side passing and I started working on getting him to trot or jump over obstacles. He is a walker.
But the best part was the trail “experiment” Tarrin did to figure out why Apache gets more anxious coming back than heading out. Is it not being able to see other horses? Or what?
Basically, I had a blast going on the trails and didn’t care about anything but the beauty and being with Apache and Tarrin away from stress. But we did figure out how to keep him calmer and settle down when he started to feel anxious. And how to turn right a lot and use my left leg. All good. I was proud of how nothing that happened made me scared.
I’m testing and testing because I know I have an audience. I want the other young horses to learn my tricks!
With Drew, I got good lessons in keeping him out of my space and not letting him use me as a lever or something. I got lots of good info on that, which will make us both happier.
Ok. I’ll be good.
I got good input on how to get him trotting with me on the lead line. I got tired, but we got better. Maybe the next show we will be better!
By the way, Peeper can now crow. He’s a man chicken now.
Drew didn’t want to load into the trailer, and I think it was my fault for not realizing his trailer tie was too short and he could get to the hay I’d worked so hard to get for him. I fixed it, and my penance is all the poop I have to scrape out of Tillie the Trailer now.
Pretty!
This is the first Saturday in a long time that I’ve had any time at home, so I took advantage of the chance to see the new calf in the herd our family cares for and to meet Sully, the beauty who belongs to Trixie and we hope will have a foal for Sara next year.
Tilling
It was also good to visit my son and “offspring-in-love” at the cabin, where they are making a garden! Good for them. All this walking and seeing animals has finally gotten me feeling grounded. Time to shovel some poop.
Yow! I’ve had a whirlwind of horse stuff since I got home from my Master Naturalist meeting last night! Everything is fine now, but there sure were a lot of emotional peaks and valleys.
My only morning moment of Zen.
Apache Drama
I got home from the meeting and shut the door to the chicken coop. I heard some noises from the horses, so I went upstairs and asked Lee if he’d let Apache and Fiona out from the pens like I’d asked him before I left. He said he’d forgotten, so I went out with the teeny tiny flashlight to take care of it. I hate going out at night, since our skunk friend is always out there, too. I could smell the evidence of that.
Fiona was letting me know she was trapped, quite vocally, so I let her out, but then I noticed a distinct lack of spotted horse in the other pen. It was clear that Apache had barged his way out, thanks to the pen he was in having a short chain that’s hard to fasten. He enjoys chains.
I appreciate all that love and kindness last night.
I thought that it would be fine to just let him out with the other horses overnight, since they have the same grass and hay as in his pasture. But, I kept hearing a noise. So, I reluctantly set across the poop minefield known as the pasture to look for the source of the sound. It was coughing, I was sure.
As I walked, the usual suspects came up to see what I was doing. The Buckskin Buddies always want to know. Neither of them liked the flashlight, however. They were not coughing. Mabel floated by in the distance. I was relieved that she was not sick (though she is finally putting on weight and looking better other than all the places she’s been nipped by the other horses).
Way near the back of the pasture I saw a ghostly shape and a pair of glowing eyes, so I knew where Apache and T were. I plodded toward them, all the while hearing a great deal of coughing. When I got there, T was guarding Apache, who was not only coughing but farting vigorously with each cough. If I hadn’t been so worried, I’d have laughed. There was evidence of a fresh and healthy bowel movement right behind him, which made me feel a little better. But he sure looked miserable.
Evidence that everything ended up all right. WHEW. Obviously, I got no photos in the middle of the night with just a teeny flashlight to help me.
I texted Sara to see if he’d ever done it before or if she had any ideas, but she was equally baffled. So, I decided to try to get him back to the pens where I could see marginally better before asking Tarrin the trainer questions at 9 pm. I was concerned that I’d have a hard time getting to go with him, but happily, all that training walking beside me at liberty came in handy. I clucked to him and held his neck for a moment, and Apache calmly followed me to the pens, stopping only to cough.
My heart was breaking. What a good, sick boy he was! When we got to the pens, I told him to get a drink of water, and he did. Or he just did it on his own. My thought was that maybe he had a piece of hay stuck in his throat. He drank for a while, then came over to be petted. I stood with him and stroked his neck for the next ten minutes.
I realized that he had not coughed since he had the water! I’m glad I brought him to the trough, because that seems to have done the trick. I heard no more coughing as I walked carefully back to the house, vowing to check on him as soon as I got up. I handled it myself with only ONE panicked text. Not bad!
And Now for the Rest of the Horses
This morning I got up and went out into the drizzle and cold to check on Apache. I did spot his spotted self in the pasture and breathed a sigh of relief.
That didn’t last long. I looked over at the chickens and lo and behold, there were four horses also looking at the chickens. They had exited the pasture.
Blondie says hi to her horse friends who make that nice poop she enjoys pecking at.
Argh. I saw that the small gate out of their pens was open. No doubt I’d forgotten to shut it after the Apache adventure last night, though I swear I remember doing it. Maybe I just didn’t latch it well in my worried state.
I had to go to a meeting, so Lee went out and parked the Tahoe at the end of the driveway just in case they headed over there and wanted to take a stroll. Our gate has stopped working again, so it is no help at all.
There was no need to worry about the horses heading out, because they were way too interested in the green grass near the garage and whatever is interesting to a horse inside the garage. When my meeting was over, they were all at the fence leading to the house, saying hi.
I think there may be some food in that barn for cars, says Remington. Suna wants to point out the nice, new tires on Tillie the Trailer, ready to go somewhere tomorrow.
They did seem very pleased with themselves. Luckily, I knew that one thing would make them go back into their area and that would be food. I went into the tack room and got a bucket of their feed. I waved it under the nose of Dusty, and that’s all it took. He wanted that food, and so did everyone else. They all followed me quite briskly over to the pen area. Mabel even glided over to get in front, but was thwarted. No food until inside!
Apache says he’d like some food, too, after all, he is convalescing.
They were thrilled to get an extra portion of food and I was happy to have only lost ten minutes of my day to horse wrangling. That was enough, though! I hope the rest of the day is less crazy.
I plan to be indoors working and watching the temperatures go down, down, down. I will wear many clothes to my outdoor event tomorrow.
We all have our ups and downs. Today was a down. Reached out in friendship to someone and was told they were too busy. Heard too many sad things about international news. Bullies. They are everywhere.
I’m worried.
I’m concerned about the health of a family member. And Drew was just plain ornery today when we went to try to practice at Sara’s. Eh. He is a very fast galloper when he’s scared, though.
Chickens were happy. I let them out.
Things aren’t all bad; I’m just exhausted. I was so tired at one point today, when I still had to keep going and going that I was about to cry.
On the other hand, Anita’s house is almost done. Love her bathroom.
I didn’t have much blogging time today, since most of the time I was in meetings or driving to and from Cedar Park (Austin suburb) to get my teeth cleaned. That was unpleasant, since I’d delayed it 2-3 times due to all that COVID exposure.
My feelings about delayed dentistry.
I ran to Tractor Supply in the way home, so all animals have food. But I had to hurry and feed horses so I could get ready for this year’s Chamber of Commerce banquet. I hadn’t been to one in a while due to COVID and trying to keep a low profile with the family business.
I dressed as a hippie and Lee as a zombie.
I mainly enjoyed seeing some of my friends in town that I’ve missed. It’s nice to know you have a few friends, wherever you are!
My actual friends, Liz and Courtney.
Lee and all the Chamber Board and volunteers did a great job. It makes you proud of your little town to go to these events. We heard how great the Texas economy is doing from the speaker, and really enjoyed the yearly awards, which didn’t just go to rich business owners. Awards went to regular folks who helped out their neighbors in the freeze last year, a family plumbing business and the new high school basketball coach. It was nice to see people of all races, ages, and genders recognized.
You can tell we are in Texas by all the hats, though.
We had a fine dinner and conversation, too. The wine selection was great, too, much of it local. Since the venue was the Youth Livestock Pavilion or something like that, the Texas decor looked great. I hated to help tear it down!
It was very clean.
Now you know why I’m not a fascinating blogger today. But it was nice to get out to a well ventilated place. Glad it wasn’t tomorrow. It’s getting cold again, and all that fresh air would be chilly.
Oops. I’ve been pushing myself too much. Working long hours followed by caring for 6 horses followed by evening meetings…and in between trying to be helpful to others. I’m wiped out.
I did go out for a half hour today. I saw lots of birds and heard more.
My poop-scooping arm is about to give out, which is really kind of funny. I’m taking a break for a few days and am scaling back my weekend plans. I need to listen to my body and mind, both of which are screaming about fatigue. Yuck.
That’s a warbler. Best I could do.
I guess this is just part of my normal cycle. Too much caretaking and being patient has hit me in the head. I am just exhausted.
How prickly do I feel? Like this mesquite.
HOWEVER. I am encouraged to keep going at work by kind people today who told me how grateful they are that I’m there to help them 2-3 hours a day and make them all sorts of professional-looking handouts. One guy said, “They’re so readable and clear!” Hooray for everyone who trained me, I guess!
Hey, it’s an anemone.
Yep, people have no idea how their little bits of encouragement can keep others going, even when they’re tired. Think about that when someone helps you out—letting them know you notice their efforts could be just what they need to keep moving after they run into a figurative wall.
I had it in my head that today I could mess with horses after work. Two things prevent that. One is that it’s rained all day. The other is that I’m feeling wiped out from the weekend. You wouldn’t think just watching a clinic would be so tiring!
It also thundered. Three dogs tried to get under my desk.
I think I breathed in a bit too much arena dust. I slept hard last night, except I kept dreaming of building project plans in the software I train. That’s exhausting, too. I did take a COVID test (thanks to the government) so Sara could be sure I hadn’t infected her yesterday. Nope. I’m just tired and a wee bit stressed out.
Nowadays a slight sniffle makes you worry!
So, other than running out to feed chickens, I’ve been sedentary today. At least I lived through my first early meeting of the next three weeks of those! They should be interesting, though, so I have no complaints, especially since we will be helping folks out.
No swimming today. And yes, those jet covers will not stay on.
A day like this is good, though. I got to think a lot about what to do next month, made plans for more horse stuff, and figured out some mental health issues I’ve been dealing with, nagging rumblings and grumblings leftover from past struggles. I’ll have to deal with that soon. Until then, it’s time to snuggle with my canine buddies and enjoy the much-needed rainfall.
A cushion per dog. Penney is on my lap.
Take care, all. We all have burdens right now. Few of us are at our best.
And we all have fears. But they will pass like the thunder.
The Hermits' Rest 