family – Page 15 – The Hermits' Rest

Mental Illness Runs in Families

Time for more of that honesty that people either like or have become tired of lately.

Sometimes life feels like an unpleasant amusement park ride. I hate Ferris wheels.

I’ve been dealing with some painful consequences of mental illness for the past few weeks, both my own and the issues of others. I wouldn’t wish some of the struggles I’ve seen on anyone. It’s particularly hard, because it seems to come from innate struggles (along with “nurture” problems, many of which stem from being raised by people whose mental illnesses caused them to inflict pain on those around them). And I got so down that I managed to forget what caused it until a friend reminded me there’s a name for what I deal with.

Somewhere among my mother’s maternal ancestors, some powerful genes that make life hard for those who inherited them got wedged firmly in the family line. I don’t know how far back it goes, or which part of my grandmother’s family passed the issues on to her and her siblings, but wow, it left a strong legacy.

Moonrise in the night. Like a light in a dark time.

I’m going to say this: I love my children, but I’m sorry that I passed on the tendency to have severe depression, bipolar, learning disabilities, and narcissism on to them. I am truly grateful that they are not extending this line forward, even though the good parts (intelligence, artistic gifts, and the ability to write well) won’t move forward to future generations, either. That’s difficult to say but seeing how my family inflict pain on each other and how deeply it affects the two of us plagued by RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) I just don’t want it to continue.

I don’t blame any member of my mother’s family for behaving how they do and making the choices they make. A combination of inherited instability and “abuse” (for lack of a better word) can make people do weird things to try to bring peace into their lives. My sister has cut off the rest of her biological family from her life. I do understand how, from her perspective, it’s what she needs to do, but I can still wish she’d gotten the help she needed and enabled the family who love her, warts and all, to be a part of her life.

The view from my Rapunzel Tower at sunset

On the other hand, those of us who have had to try to find ways to deal with how members of my mom’s family treated us are probably better off ending that pattern. My insane drive to not be rejected or abandoned has led me to try way too hard to please people who can’t be pleased, and that’s not helpful to any of us. Anyway, the struggle is real, and I’m back on track to managing my own issues better again, and I wish everyone else well as they deal with their issues.

I’d actually gotten pretty darn good at not blaming myself for every single thing people close to me say, do, or seem to do in my messed-up brain. I just slipped, and as I was trying to express this morning when talking to a therapist friend, you can intellectually know there will be setbacks in mental health recovery, but your limbic system still gets all out of whack. Repeat after me: other people’s actions are their responsibility.

Dealing with all this while holed up in a tiny room like a short-haired Rapunzel in her tower is not ideal. But I can always find ways to cope. At least I can watch Amazon Prime without worrying Lee about using up all our bandwidth. So, I watched three nice movies yesterday and that helped a lot! I watched Air, 80 for Brady, and Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris. All movies with strong women who made me smile.

Plus, there’s always random people you meet, along with the sunrises, sunsets, birds, and bats. This Rapunzel really isn’t trapped in her tower at all.

A Monday’s a Monday, No Matter Where You Are

And today is Tuesday! I didn’t manage to get a blog post up yesterday, because I was just, as my mom used to say, “too pooped to pop” in the evening. It’s not that I did anything all that exciting, but I did the part of my work that takes a lot of mental energy, training.

Now, I’m both a technical writer and a technical trainer, so I have the skills. And I love to do training. It’s so rewarding to get people up and running with software, hardware, or heck, even knitting. I enjoy interacting with people, getting them to relax, and helping them individually. It’s just that it takes a lot out of an introvert to actually DO it. Thus, after two classes and a couple of individual sessions yesterday, I just needed to stare at a wall and go to sleep.

Or I could stare at the ocean, which for much of today looked like a gray curtain.

I feel way better today and have already been writing and getting stuff done while Lee packs up to drive back to Texas. It’s been stormy this morning, so he’s waiting a bit to start driving. He just loves doing this, so I’m wishing him well, while at the same time looking forward to flying home (if planes aren’t as weird on me as they have been for so many folks this year).

It’s been stormy, cloudy, and sunny so far today, and that was all before 10 am.

In between training sessions, Lee and I drove up to the first town in North Carolina, Calabash, where we’ve been before. It is an extra-cute little town that still has a lot of fishing boats, so you get very fresh seafood in its restaurants. The one I like best doesn’t open until 4pm on Mondays, so we ate at the one with the most annoying (but fun, in a way) birds, instead.

Boat-tailed grackles (the one on the right is a female)

We got enough food that I’ll have lots of leftover shrimp that I’ll peel the breading from and add to my highly creative solo meals for the next week or so. We gamely fought off the grackles and seagulls, while sort of enjoying their antics at the same time. At least I got to look at a marsh and some boats, so I was happy. The whole outing only took two hours, which was fine, since I had to teach a class from 5-6 pm anyway (it was scheduled for Central Time). All was well.

Laughing gulls waiting for us to leave so they could inspect our plates.

It’s back to my “normal” working from a condo schedule for a while now. I do my best to fit in working out in the gym (treadmill) and sitting in the sun a little while every day, with a visit to the sports bar to chat with the friendly bartenders and customers in the evening. And oh yeah…I can watch streaming television to my heart’s content. I don’t even know what shows I’ll watch,

Friends and Acquaintances and Healing

Hello from a land of clouds, rainbows, and surprises. A week in Myrtle Beach has passed and I’m still in awe of how green and rainy it is, especially compared to another 105° day at home. Blurgh.

My mind is still on things back home. Some folks have disappointed me and I’ve disappointed some. I’m very grateful to the people who’ve been going out of their way to help me and my family, though. There aren’t enough words, even though I’m a writer, to express my gratitude to our ranch family.

I’ve needed support and diversion this week. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, with the magic of Zoom. Just having friends who will listen and support me without trying to “fix” things is invaluable. My Friday morning buddies, plus work support, got me through the day. Hooray for kindness!

Friends remind you you’re beautiful, even if you’re a weed growing among fancy cultivars

So, after work, Lee took me to the outlet mall to look for a particular shoe. Naturally, I enjoyed talking to the people who worked at the stores. It’s so rewarding to see a tired salesperson smile after you treat them nicely. The shoes didn’t work out, but I came home with a little purse and pansy pajamas. Pansies! Woo! They are interesting colors and not so long that they drag the ground. Bonus.

Shopping on what turned out to be “tax free weekend” wore Lee out, so we went to the sports bar again. I’ve tried not to spend all week at the bar, so I was glad to go get another old fashioned. I was happy to see Kevin, the bartender who’s an expert in Florida history, was there. It turns out he knows the family of my childhood pediatrician. huh!

We spent a nice time (really) talking to obnoxious* Steve, Bill, and their friend Patrick about books and our histories and such. It’s rewarding to meet new folks and get to know them, which is why I’ve enjoyed this condo over the years. People are truly fascinating, and you can always find things in common with new acquaintances. I need to remember this when I get down about the state of the world.

Sarah D says bye to Steve, since he’s going home.

I’m feeling much better, because we have a new author to read (Stan Comforti, a former federal agent) and will have bartender Kevin’s new book to read soon. Who knew how many writers and avid readers we’d run into?

The world seems much smaller and less scary when you take the time to talk to people and get to know them. I need to remember that.

Myrtle Beach in a nutshell. Pelicans and one of the ubiquitous helicopters.

And even in Condo World there are Nature sightings. We went out at dusk and saw dozens of bats and nighthawks flying right by us. We enjoyed it with the folks next door, who seemed thrilled as we were.

Watch the bats!

* I told Steve I’d call him that rather than a**hole.

Happy for My Friend

Today was special, because my friend Pamela worked very hard to get her ceramics studio showroom ready for public viewing. Today she had the official Chamber of Commerce ribbon cutting for the gallery at Neeley Fine Art Studio.

The gallery is right next to her working studio, which is one of the most fascinating places around this area. And it’s all set on her family land, which is beautiful (almost visible from the Hermits’ Rest).

I usually go over there to look at plants and bugs or to load bales of hay, so it was fun to put on nice clothing and participate in the ribbon cutting.

Ruby the hound had to check out the ribbon

It was also fun to hang out for a little while with my friends and other local artists. It is gratifying to see all the support for Pamela and her work. When the community comes together, it’s a really good feeling!

It must have been the day for honoring Pamela! She also was recognized for her Master Naturalist recertification this evening! A Renaissance woman!

There she is, second from left, with other old and new friends.

When she has her official open house, I’m cooler weather, I’ll share how you can purchase your own whimsical and elegant ceramics.

My favorite is the red stuff. It’s a beautiful red.

Thanks for all your love and support, readers, friends, and family. Remember you’re all just great, exactly as you are, and you don’t have to try to be someone you’re not just to placate others.

Anger Is Not My Friend

I don’t get angry often. My dad, who was usually funny and kind, scared the poop out of me when he got angry. And I’d cry. I ended up trying to avoid volatile people my whole life and still cope very poorly with being shouted at, even when I’m just perceiving it that way. One of my many “areas for growth.”

Birds are gathering here. Swallows on the front porch roof.

Because of all this, I’m terrible at expressing anger. I either cry or am so scary that I get criticized and berated for it. I try to let things go, breathe, and not let things beyond my control get to me. Until I don’t.

I regret to say I got angry and yelled at two people today. One person I really shouldn’t have expressed anything to, even though I wasn’t wrong to get upset. I’d repeatedly asked for something not to happen but it did anyway and I got a huge feeling of powerlessness and loss so I uncharacteristically yelled. Ugh. I should have just gone inside and cried over what I lost. Nothing will bring it back.

This kind of anger isn’t simple. Sadness and grief were I’m loved. There were underlying annoyances that I’d been keeping to myself that burst through. Not my finest moment, and I’ll have to be apologizing for not keeping things to myself better.

The second time I got angry was simpler. I was driving to lunch and came to the big four-way stop sign at a major-ish intersection not far from the ranch. This stopping place has red flashing lights, stop signs that frantically blink, and signs saying stop ahead.

I was slowing down, you know, to stop, as one does, when a big, white SUV flew through the intersection at over 70 mph (speed limit had lowered to 60 before the sign). The vehicle did not slow down one bit, and after I blew my horn, I watched it continue down the road at the same rate of speed until it finally stopped at a red light. I was glad to see the car had brakes.

That light, and a convenient slow truck ahead of the SUV enabled me to catch up to it and get a photo of the license plate. If you know this guy, tell him he could have killed someone today.

When we got to the main intersection in town, I needed to turn right, while SUV guy needed to turn left. I pulled up and saw an elderly fellow. I honked my horn and yelled “Please stop at stop signs!” Like that did any good at all.

Everyone at lunch said he probably wondered what was wrong with that hysterical old woman in the sporty car. He probably thought I was having hormonal issues.

Hmm. I do look a bit manic or like Goldie just passed gas nearby. Or like my dad. I’m angry Mr Kendall reincarnated.

I shouldn’t have road raged at the guy. I’m in Texas. He could have shot me. I have remained calm the rest of the day and will figure out how to make amends.

No one’s perfect. I’m sure not. And maybe it was the heat. 106° today. But I need to learn not to beat myself up for being human and be gentle with myself (and others). Sigh. Enough navel gazing. I can try again tomorrow.

Catching Up with Things

I didn’t get a chance to blog last night, because I had a bit of the old heat exhaustion going on. But it could have been worse, and I have no permanent damage. It was simply very hot at my lesson yesterday – as it was for Tarrin and her young helper, who had it way worse than I did. Drew helped me out a bit by still having a hurt leg issue, so there was no riding of him again. Tarrin did some exercises and said she was glad I figured out he didn’t feel good and wasn’t being “stubborn” or “naughty.” I’ll do some exercises with him after another day or two of rest.

You can see how thrilled they were to be going to lessons.

Apache and I still aren’t doing all that great going sideways, then he got a nosebleed from all his snorting in protest. On the other hand, the boy has the cantering concept down at last, and we both are improving greatly in slowing down and speeding up, even if we didn’t do much trotting due to heat and blood. What a day!

I’m still wandering around just in case there are any new birds or insects, but in midsummer, we tend to just have the usual suspects. Things will pick up once migration starts again. I did get a couple of nice photos of a ponderous spur-throat grasshopper (Melanoplus ponderosus) and a giant walking stick (Megaphasma denticrus).

I do have a little happy story to tell that I didn’t get to earlier in the week. You may recall that there was a Carolina wren (Thryothorus ludovicianus) nest in a box on our back porch. I noticed that the babies were getting pretty big and took a picture of them.

I went out to do something and wasn’t around for a while. When I got home, Lee was sitting by the pool, looking (for Lee) excited. What was going on, I wondered? He then told me he had been sitting there, just looking across the pool when he saw something seem to bounce on the water, then land in it. He quickly realized it was one of the baby wrens!

Lee rushed to rescue it, which he did by fishing it out with the pool net. He set the net down on the porch near the nest, and when I showed up, it was there resting and drying off.

You can see how they inspired Angry Birds. Look at those little bits of down!

We watched it for the next half hour or so, while I was swimming and Lee was reading (this was late afternoon before the latest heat wave). We saw it start to shake its head and fluff itself up, which we took to be a good sign that the little bird was drying off and settling down. Lee thought maybe it wanted to be closer to the nest, so he picked up the pool net to move it closer.

At the movement, the fledgling decided it was time to try to fly again, and this time chose a better direction. It went over to the disc golf set and settled down there.

We could see that it moved around a lot the rest of the evening, as we kept peeking out the window. We noted that the sibling bird was long gone, so we guessed the baby would soon head out to be with the rest of the family and learn to catch its own moths and such. Sure enough, I’ve seen the family over by the woods.

I was so proud of Lee for thinking so quickly and saving our little buddy. We are good aviary stewards, I guess. Speaking of our aviary, there’s now a pair of great egrets (Ardea alba) hanging out in the pond behind us, along with the night herons who’ve been there a while.

And I found out why there are so many red-winged blackbirds (Agelaius phoeniceus) by the driveway. There is a huge nest in the willow tree. They sure are active and loud!

Grateful for Little Smiles

I’ve been needing something to smile about lately, and the Universe has provided. First, I’m grateful to have spent a few low-stress days with my household members, with lots of laughs and encouragement. You can’t beat that!

Even Lee’s ice cream bucket was smiling.

Besides that, one of my niggling worries is much lessened now. It looks like I’ll have another year at my job. Such good news! I do like my job and the people I interact with, for which I am also truly grateful.

My portulaca plants are growing, which makes me glad!

I’ve watched friends being kind and supportive of each other all week. In today’s combative climate, small things like opening doors for strangers, giving tokens of affection, and offering to help someone struggling mean a lot. I can’t be specific but it’s helpful to make the effort to notice these things, and to instigate them when you get a chance!

Lee made me this image. That was nice. It’s a scan of part of a poster.

What little things made you smile today? It’s worth the effort to try to recall those moments and appreciate them. Since I take so many photos, I can share a few more with you.

Enlarge to see the cheerful wiggly honey mesquite seed pods

A Nice Lull

The good news is I feel better today. I was even able to ride Drew. Taking it easy was a good idea.

I was up in the middle of the night and got this weird picture of the orange moon rising, through the smudgy window.

I had a lot to do today but nothing too stressful. After our weekly friends’ lunch, Anita came over to get the Red House ready for guests while I did a bunch of meetings. It’s nice to hang out. And after work, we sat on the porch, taking advantage of the sunshades.

We love the porch just like the previous owner did.

I did scare a big moth while I was sweeping the porch. It’s beautiful.

After this peaceful break, all I had to do was hang out with my friends the horses and chickens, then float around in my pool of dreams.

Kathleen and I even saw another one of those cool spider wasps dragging along a hapless wolf spider. It must be wasp breeding season.

It’s really a relief to have a lull with no stress or drama. Even Lee had a good day! We are going to all enjoy the pleasant and peaceful lull while it lasts.

Sit a Spell

Lee is probably right. I don’t just sit often enough. I’m always jumping up to do something, like take a picture or pull weeds. Indoors, I have to read or knit. I want to learn how to just sit more.

I did get some practice today, though. First, some of our old outdoor furniture got delivered to the Red House this afternoon. That’s because we will soon have new stuff! The back porch is great for relaxing and looking at flowers, while the front porch will be fun for watching the citizens of Cameron wandering around (one guy wandered by at least four times while I was working today).

This piece is really heavy AND uncomfortable, so should not tempt anyone.

I’m going to put red cushions on both the wooden benches, even though they’re the wrong shade of red. I washed them this evening.

This was good timing, since we have a paying guest this long weekend. I hope they like the outdoor options. They will get to enjoy lots of flowers, which Anita and I did after finishing work (me) and house cleaning (her). We just sat!

When I got home and finished chores, I decided to sit some more. I failed at first, because I remembered that pulling weeds was on my to-do list. So, I pulled most of the evil spurge out of the pool garden. Sigh. I’ve gotten everything else under control, but these sappy things are tenacious.

I even looked it (Euphorbia maculata) up on Wikipedia. No redeeming qualities other than being native. Sap causes rashes. Plant causes cancer. Geez. The tap roots can be two feet long! It’s sure hard to remove. But I got another section done, so I could sit with my beverage.

The lawn just got mowed and weedeated, so it looks extra nice.

I ended up sitting for an hour! There were really happy bunnies frolicking over by the horse pens for a long time. It was so much fun watching them leap and run around. Plus I had good conversation with the family members who joined me. What a nice evening…just sitting a spell.

This bunny is not part of the frolicking group. It doesn’t trust me at all.

I hope you get at least a few minutes to just sit every so often!j

A Tribute to Portulaca

It’s been a good weekend. Yesterday was spent driving to Houston and back for a family errand. It reminded me that I’m glad to live outside of a small town. But it was a change of pace that still let me get all my animal stuff done.

Houston always reminds me of getting closer to bayous, so here’s a crawfish that somehow ended up in the swimming pool.

The men in my house and I spent a lot of time this morning sitting by the pool. It was a nice, cool morning, the kind there won’t be many more of this year, so we took advantage of the opportunity.

Goldie and Penney also enjoyed the morning.

I weeded the pool planting bed, which of course has many volunteer plants coming through the landscape cloth. It’s mostly morning glories, nut grass, and the dreaded spurge. Yuck. That’s one native plant that’s totally a weed for me.

Weeding was made much more pleasant by the presence of the portulaca (or moss rose) plants that we put in just two weeks ago. I just love these cheerful succulents! They’ve already more than doubled in size.

This is the only plant that I’ve found that thrives here in the dry, hot summers. Last year, I had three plants, and they grew huge, but died in the big freeze. If only I’d known you can take cuttings and root them over the winter for next year!

Two pieces fell off. I stuck them in the pot with my sad bougainvillea that barely made it over winter. Both are growing.

Next year, I’ll be all set for more beauty! And wow, they are so lovely. Lee is very happy that they aren’t plain pink and yellow, as he feared. But I think the yellow ones are fascinating.

Note a morning glory is trying to sneak in.

It turns out that the portulaca grandiflora that we grow as an ornamental is related to the edible plant purslane, which chickens love and is full of vitamin A.

I don’t see any in your poop pile, Suna.

All in all, this plant is a winner and I don’t even feel too bad planting a non native. At least it’s food for someone. And it’s not showing signs of becoming invasive.

I’m not feeling bad about planting them, since they’re surrounded by red yucca, which seems to please all sorts of pollinators. We enjoyed hummingbirds this morning, plus many types of wasp visiting the yucca, which aren’t native here, but grow not too far away.