You know how your childhood issues, fears, and old patterns haunt you no matter how hard you try to move past them? (If you don’t, wow, you’re one exceptional human.) That’s certainly a struggle I’ve dealt with my whole life, or at least since I’ve realized you actually might be able to move past such things.
Spiders aren’t my childhood fear, but they make a good representation for scary things
I’ve made great progress in recent years with a lot of my “issues” (thanks to my fine therapist and Brene Brown books). I no longer blame everything that goes wrong in my life on my own shortcomings. I no longer hesitate to speak up when someone in authority makes a proclamation or judges someone in a way I know is wrong. I care much, much less about whether my personal appearance pleases anyone but me…and so on.
I’ve talked about it before, how I’ve managed to get the negative voices in my head to shut the heck up and say nice stuff instead (“Great work, me,” says my internal voice).
When we first moved to the ranch, I was worried that it would be isolating living so far out here. That’s what Lee, the hermit, wanted. I wanted to have a community to enjoy life with, as well as some peace and quiet. I’m happy to report we are well on our way to a real community out here.
We missed the storms that hit Austin last night, but got cool clouds.
We were relieved to find a place near our friends Sara and Ralph, who warmly welcomed us when we first got here and really helped us set things up. And what would I do without my horse riding companion? Life would not be the same without these folks. We’ve also been lucky to make friends with Cathy, who lived at the cabin when we first arrived, and Tyler, who lives there now and does my snake handling.
When we added Mandi and her family over at Rattlesnake, wow, we could have been happier. They are so helpful in so many ways. One son cares for the horses and hens when I’m in Austin, and another has been helping Ralph with his mowing. Grateful for them.
Last week I was in a mental vortex, tizzy, or something. I’m so glad I was aware that something was amiss, and that the only person who could do anything about it was ME.
So, what kind of self care can I do? Can you do it, too?
Exercise
This guy could use some yoga!
I realized yesterday that I hadn’t done any yoga in over two weeks, maybe three. Between work getting hectic and taking a week off, I was feeling sluggish and stiff.
I’ve gone to the class at work twice this week, and I can really tell it, both physically and mentally. I’m a lot more centered and my muscles feel well used, but good.
A bunch of stuff beyond my control has come up, so my posts will be short, and perhaps sweet for a while. I’m having to be more hermit-like.
It’s a downer of a time, anyway. Horrible storms everywhere, people having accidents or injuries throughout my circle, friends and loved ones in mental pain.
Quite wavy, isn’t she?
I was glad to save this long rat snake from getting run over on Monday. I wasn’t so lucky today, when a roadrunner turned around and ran straight in front of my car. I said a big blessing.
My gardenia never looks good. This was a nice surprise.
At least when I got home to Austin, I had flowers to greet me. Flowers always help, as did hugs from Anita.
I was feeling pretty crummy today. I guess grief hit me hard.
This Horace’s duskywing butterfly reminds me of how things get better no matter how dark it is
I asked my Facebook community friends to share things that brought them joy recently, thinking it might help. I was smart. It did help. I highly recommend reaching out and asking for help when you need it. It will remind you that people ARE good.
If you’re my Facebook friend, check out my post asking for joyful moments. All the happy babies, cute pets, fun stories, and nature observations remind you of all the beauty and love around us.
Sample cute baby, the amazing Ripley, who is getting her first teeth
How I’m Doing
Grief is hard, even when you intellectually know all about how it works. I hadn’t cried in so long that I couldn’t recall the most recent time. So I’d forgotten how much it takes out of me.
Being on Prozac for the last couple of years has helped me a lot, but I can see how it’s separated me from expressing some emotions. They’re there, but not all on top of me. It helps me from drowning in my empathic tendencies. But yow! When something breaks through it has physical consequences!
This mystery plant never bloomed last year, but it came back! Plus, lots of basil is coming back from last year’s plants
I have had the strange headache I used to often get. It feels like something gently squeezing the sides of my head. And I forget to breathe and end up gasping. That’s annoying. My words don’t come out well and I have trouble swallowing. Ooh, and let’s not forget the chest pains, my old friends! At least the weird neck tingling that used to really bother me hasn’t kicked in.
So, those are all my anxiety symptoms I used to live with every single day. How did I manage? How do others manage? I sure feel sympathy for them. If you have anxiety and are functional, you have my admiration.
This gerbera daisy got knocked back hard in the cold winter. It looks like a new plant now! I will also recover
I’m guessing I’ll feel better soon. Grief is normal and can knock you down. Soon the grief will bloom into love and warm memories of our canine friend, Brody.
The photos are all of my plants that have resurrected themselves after the winter.
I actually thought squirrels had murdered this poor plant, or the cold had killed it begonias are hardy, like me, I think!
Still feeling numb about losing our Brody. To top that off, two chickens got killed over the weekend, the white one and the very perky little one who had only just started laying.
Before we lost Brody, we had all gone on a walk through the plants.
Tyler repaired the chicken coop and blocked the theoretical fox hole better than it was before. He also came up with a better door plan for the coop. I hope that works. I’m so tired of the life and death aspect of ranch life.
Life
There is always something to remind that life goes on. We did find a lovely nest next to our pond. We think it’s from a redwing blackbird family. Aww. No eggs.
Hidden Nest
As I was leaving for work and getting ready to pass where Brody died, I saw a whole family of killdeer run in front of me. So cute!
I’m taking a little blogging break, because I’m doing so many other things right now. Here are some things.
The Austin job is full to the brim with tasks. And random new ones keep popping up. Job security, I guess, but, gee, if someone wants you to do something that you thought was their area, a direct request would help. I’m whining.
Here, this rose should make me feel better.
Luckily I visited my kind therapist/shaman person who listens to me and helps me plan how to deal with my challenges. One of these days I’ll share my big one, but it’s not time yet. Just remember that no matter how cheerful people may act, they may be hiding heartbreak.
As of last night, my hair is a no longer blue. It’s a rather vibrant shade of pink, or fuschia as Anita prefers. I am currently still startling myself when I see my reflection in the mirror, so this one’s going to take a bit of getting used to. I chose pink because I ran out of the pale blue I wanted to use, and am almost out of extreme blue. Rather than buy anything new (I’m on a spending freeze), I figured I should use up what I have. Pink.
See, I’m smiling.
This is the pinkest it’s ever been, since the only other time I used the pink, the base was more purple and I got a nice violet. This is undeniably pink. I want to embrace it, however…
This is an experiment in live blogging. I wrote this all last night, and today I’m just adding links.
Well, Sara asked me and Anita to go with her to see a performance by a lovely young woman from New Zealand (among other places) who goes by the name of Emma G. She’s been following her for three or four years now. Doors open at 7! In East Austin. Dozen Street. Were we ready? Yes.
Anita’s shirt scared us.
Well, I’m an old hand at these places, since my son used to play at venues such as this back when he was in the indie rock bands. I knew the featured artist would not be on at 7, so we did not hurry to get there.
I’m jaded by Austin venues.
Thus, we had plenty of time to have an amazing dinner at Old Thousand. Yep. You should eat there. There were flavors and vegetables I’d never experienced in the many dishes we tried. Even Taiwanese people like the food! It’s Austin-y Chinese. We were not the oldest people in the room!
You can’t forget this peacock. It keeps Austin weird.
I thought maybe Dozen Street (named because it’s on 12th Street!) would be nicer than it was a couple years ago. Nope. But it is funky. Yes. And we ARE the oldest people here.
A couple of days ago, as thoughts were passing through my consciousness, it just popped up, “My favorite word is ‘friend.'”
Friend
You’ve got a …. making friends for the world to see … one is silver and the other gold
Huh. I wondered where the heck that thought came from, and the first thing that came to me was that every time I say that word, I feel warm inside. Just a little bit of peace falls across my soul when I think of “friend.”
Is it the meaning?
I considered first whether I like the word because friendship is important to me. Most of my life I’ve yearned for close friends. There have been many times when I didn’t have any, just acquaintances or people I talk to because we are in the same group or school. I function best with one or two good friends who I can tell anything to and not feel judged. I have that at the moment, so hooray! So, that’s one factor.
The Hermits' Rest 