depression – The Hermits' Rest

A Mood Blanket? In 2024?

One of my friends sent me a link to a Lion Brand pattern for a “mood blanket,” which they propose as an alternative to making a temperature blanket, like I’ve been making this year (in exciting news, it looks like the most frequent high and low temperature ranges are both shades of yellow – I made a spreadsheet). They have some cute suggestions, like charting your moods through pregnancy or other interesting times in your life.

My mind immediately went the other direction, for a couple of reasons. First, if you’ve ever read this blog you’d know I am moody. It’s one of my defining characteristics. Maybe I’m even proud of it? I don’t think just ten moods would fit me, and certainly not the generic ones they suggest (sick, mad, happy, neutral, loved, etc.). I need so many more. I need excited, calm, at one with nature (or a mood that corresponds to it), satisfied, depressed, confused…many more. It would be fun to think more about what my actual moods are, but they need to include anxious (there may be entire weeks of that one), grumpy, snappy, and irritated.

Maybe I’m as moody as a muddy creek reflecting clouds.

The other thing is that things aren’t exactly going in ways that make me comfortable right now. I’m afraid I might need some deep, dark colors to stand for “victim of a natural disaster” (red for fire, blue for flood/tornado),” “afraid for my life,” “despondent due to stock market/economy crash,” or “mourning because I lost another fundamental right.” If the blanket suddenly ended, well, you’d know it was either random gun violence or an insurrection.

Stop thinking about that! Look at these cute calves and their nanny.

So, I don’t think I’ll make a 2024 mood blanket. I don’t think I’m particularly looking forward to next year.

Let’s talk about birds. That’s a safer subject!

Today I added to my series of bird pairs (before I saw belted kingfishers, herons, and caracaras). Today it was red-tailed hawks. I really enjoyed watching this couple fly around, sit in a tree together, shriek a lot, and finally fly off.

They were my birds of the day, certainly, though the fox sparrow I heard and got to add to my life list on Merlin comes in a close second.

I was going to get some really good vulture photos, because they were helping take care of a dead opossum near our trailers, but as I tried to get there, Lee’s brother was throwing rocks at them and chased them away. Oh well, they were just about done getting rid of the meat on the carcass. I just didn’t want to touch it, so I was letting them help.

Apparently the vultures were bothering him.

Who Needs an Attitude Adjustment? Me.

I’m anxiety prone, not someone who gets depressed often. But, I’ve been pretty down, what they’d call situational depression. I’m just riding it out and seeing what I can learn. I appreciate that suggestion from a friend!

Even the spa is trying to cheer me up. It’s green!

Yesterday I got it into my head to ride a bunch of horses and convince myself I don’t totally suck as a rider and leader of horses. I actually had a good time with Apache, and just need a bit more cooperation in staying on the rails at a trot. But it was fine.

Then I took T over and saddled her up. I’m still not totally confident in my Western saddling, but I got it on.

I failed at bridling, however. Nope. She wasn’t gonna do that. So I put reins on her halter and took her in the round pen. She did better in there, calmed down a bit, etc. she did fine for mounting, though that was when I realized I hadn’t tightened the saddle enough. She did a bit of a jump when I asked her to walk, so we just sat there a while and breathed. We then had a reasonable walk, though my foot aids were not enough and she ignored the reins.

Still, I didn’t fall off or get upset, so I told myself it wasn’t all bad. My dismount was rather graceless, to say the least. The saddle fell down and I had trouble getting it off. The sweet girl was patient. Maybe we will do better after her feet are fixed and someone shows me a bridle she likes.

Then I said, fine. I will ride Dusty. Maybe HE will let me walk around and do trails. Well, he did better with tack, but not with riding. He’d go about 20 steps then turn around and trot back to his friends. Repeatedly.

No amount of foot and leg helped. I ended up doing the reins the old way, so I knew it was time to quit. I’ll try again. Maybe I’ll get help from Sara or someone.

I did work today, and that was nice. And I saw a bug. Little things help! I’m hanging in there.

Spring Support and Hopefulness

Hey! Thanks to all of you who sympathized with my being so hopeless and sad right now. You all rightly pointed out that many things have led to our collective urge to just sit and stare ahead. There’s even astrological reasoning! This afternoon, Sara postulated that because we are seeing light at the end of the tunnel, all the stuff we’ve been holding in has started to leak out. Yeah.

Carlton is tired of being confined to his backyard. We understand.

Today I was getting a bit concerned about myself. I kept having trouble concentrating, and somehow managed to leave Austin late. Partly I was distracted by welcome signs of life coming back.

I enjoyed lots of redbud trees and pear trees. I’m so glad they made it. And the first thing I spotted when I got to the ranch was an Indian paintbrush!

I looked and looked for these last weekend!

I’d heard bluebonnets are blooming at last, but didn’t spot them until I got to the hill leading down to Walker’s Creek, where they are beautiful every year.

I sure hope to get prettier bluebonnet pictures soon!

I was still pretty squirrelly when I got to the ranch. I was nervous about getting my second COVID vaccine, so I forgot my vaccination card and panicked because I couldn’t find my paperwork. Uh, it was in the car. Then I drove off, leaving a can of drink on the trunk. That’s gonna make a mess when I open it, I’m sure.

But! I got to the vaccine place! Turns out I was supposed to be there yesterday. But, they let me in. The shot didn’t hurt, and so far I have little pain. Maybe I got all my reactions over with last month.

The other part of the day that made me feel supported and hopeful was that I went to the drugstore in Cameron to pick up my precious drugs, and got to see Mandi at her new job as a pharmacy assistant. Yes! After we had to let her go, she made good use of the time and got her certificate back. See, some people DO use their unemployment to get training and get a job. I’m so proud of her and will hug her in two weeks.

Once I got home, I took a nap and felt fine feeding horses. We had to give them the nastiest wormer of the series we are giving this spring. Both Apache and Lakota made some sad faces and rubbed their faces on the ground. Tomorrow if I’m not having reactions we will reward them with grooming and riding. They are shedding big time. I need it, so I hope I feel less scattered and more centered.

One last photo. Crow poison is beautiful, despite its name.

Little things like signs of spring and the promise of future hugs help. But knowing I’m not alone and have wonderful, supportive friends everywhere to feel a sense of community with is the best. Sincere thanks to all. We’re in this together. That’s helping me know I can crawl out of this hole!

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Helplessly Hoping

Oh, my friends, this anniversary of the pandemic lockdowns has not led to a bunch of happy, hopeful humans in my little world. The people who are struggling to maintain their equilibrium are just not doing it. And even those of us who’ve been keeping our heads above water feel like we are sinking. The hope that truly IS out there is just hard to see!

The little pink flowers of hope are hiding among the prickly cactus that is life with COVID-19.

Heck, I’ve been doing sort of okay most of the past year, but for the past few days, it’s been quite difficult to get through a day. It doesn’t help that my meetings seem to have meetings in them and I get really tired of Zooming. I put the image below on Facebook, and got a lot of support from friends who said this has been an extra-hard few days for them.

It’s weird. I’m NOT all afraid like my friends in the Other World (that’s what I’ve decided to call the Fox News watching crowd) keep telling me. I’m living my life. I’m getting my second vaccine today, actually, and I look forward to some travel in a couple of months. I do have hope, but it feels like helpless hope. I honestly think I just can’t believe positive news.

For example, President Biden gave a talk last night, and it was full of hope and positive energy. People in the US might actually get vaccinated. People who are not me are getting money from the government, too. He spoke kindly, stayed on script, and didn’t call anyone names. This normally would have made me feel better.

But no, the cycle I’ve gone through in the last few decades (Bush, Obama, the previous guy, Biden) has led me to not put any credence into good news. There’s always something awful just down the road. Don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware that life is suffering (I read Lion’s Roar, after all) and that there will always be positive and negative aspects to life, the dark and light sides of the Force, and all that. But the un-ending, pounding, grinding succession of challenges, struggles, meanness, and and obstacles the past year has brought with it have taken a lot out of me. It helps to know I’m not alone.

Don’t force yourself to choose unless you want to, says Suna the Grey.

I admire the folks who are hanging in there and posting the positive memes every day (like my dear niece who could find the good in our sun going supernova, I think). Hope is needed. But right now, I’m in a place that I don’t believe it, no matter how nice it is to see it in others.

All I have for y’all is some virtual hugs. I think I mentioned needing hugs just a couple of days ago! And I appreciate the return hugs and good energy. I’m absolutely confident that I’m just dealing with a passing depression episode that’s completely understandable. Just know that I’m still helplessly hoping, and some day I may even believe my hope and get back to all that cautious fun I was managing to have earlier in the pandemic period.

Oh yes, it’s my job to mention that I do have podcasts now of all my most recent posts. I usually record each blog post within 24 hours of posting it here. You can go to Apple podcasts, Spotify, and many other places, search for the Hermits’ Rest, and follow our spoken journey. I also promise to mention anyone kind enough to sponsor my podcast, which will help repay all the money I spend to bring you this blog!

Where Did I Go?

True, the blogging machine known as Suna didn’t write anything for a few days. Just the effort I was taking to keep on an even keel over the weekend was all I could manage. I was already feeling pretty useless and unhelpful to the people in my life, and it all came to a head, and I felt crappy. I realized I hadn’t been doing a good job supporting my family, their business, my friends, and blah blah blah. I slipped back into my old habit of telling my own self I suck.

Scarab beetles and thistles made for Mother’s Day cheer.

A phaon crescent butterfly visits an Indian blanket flower.

I know I am not Suzy Sunshine. It’s just not my nature. Maybe it’s being a Pisces. We tend to have melancholy in us, and to always see both sides of things, happy and sad. I like it that I enjoy feeling all my feelings and honestly think that’s healthy, for me. But, I know it comes across poorly to others sometimes, and I’m sorry.

Because I certainly didn’t want to burden others with my own self-inflicted issues, I put a lot of energy into trying to have fun this weekend. Then, boom, Lee told me this morning that I’d seemed all mopey yesterday. That was with me TRYING not to be! Lordy!

I love watching roses blossom. Thanks, Lee.

All you can do is try to do better, right? But, once I get into one of my rare really down periods, I am not able to immediately crawl back out. I will, though! I know I actually don’t suck. And usually my brain, subconscious, or whatever it is that sends me into a downward spiral, agrees with me. I don’t appreciate how poorly it deals with negative feedback one bit! But hey, I’ll work on it!

The wildflower bouquet I made, after the beetle flew off.

Not much could have made my Mother’s Day any better. Everyone was so kind. Chris made perfect omelets for breakfast for me and Kathleen, Lee sent me roses on Friday, I got a little box of cheer from Chris and Kathleen, I got calls from all sorts of friends and family, and I heard from many of my sweet children and bonus children. A friend even dropped off a little trinket for me in my mailbox. What a sweet surprise!

We spent the day relaxing, while Chris fired up his extra cool barbecue machine and made his professional quality ribs and chicken for dinner, which my sister was able to come and enjoy. It really was a lovely day, and I truly appreciate everyone’s efforts and kindness.

Shoot, if I can manage to be a mess through all that great stuff…I’ll just blame the virus, the stress it puts on all of us, and just being a human. I have a book report and some beautiful horse photos coming for you, when I get breaks from work, and I hope they bring YOU some cheer.

Calgon, Where Are You? Can We Transcend This Madness?

Today’s will be a short blog, if you can imagine that. Things have sort of taken a downward turn in my non-pandemic life, so I will need to deal with that. I have lots of support, and I was really moved yesterday when the support I needed came from so many parts of my life, and there’s where the UU Lent word for the day, transcend, comes in.

I realized that I have support that transcends all boundaries, if I only remember it’s out there and reach out. Those 128 likes and 93 commenters include people I’ve known since I was a child, people I’ve never met, elders, youth, people I disagree and agree with, and people from:

Family
High school
College
Grad school
My first job outside school
All my previous and current jobs: Akibia, Dell, Planview
Friends from when my kids were in school
La Leche League
Unitarian Universalists
FortuneBuilder friends (real estate)
Master Naturalists
Email lists founded long before Facebook
Knitters and crocheters
Musicians
Community theater
Neighbors from Austin, Round Rock, and Cameron

I am sure we all have a varied network, even when we feel alone. I am imagining them lifting me up in support, so that I can transcend these mundane roadblocks, personal issues, and unwise decisions made that we have no control over. Community support is vital right now.

The earth abides. The harvest goes on. Nature transcends human problems.

Everything You Love Will Be Taken Away. I put this t-shirt on this morning, and it turned out to be quite appropriate. (It’s a Slaid Cleaves album title.)

I know blog readers are also here to support me. And we are here to support each other. I’ve been sending out so much empathy to people I know who have lost loved ones during this time when we can’t gather together. I’ve been sending strength to those of us for whom this new world is scary and brings out their anxieties and depression. I’m sending calm out to all the people I know who are trying to work and school their worried children. And of course, super duper vibes are going out to people who can’t work right now and need to keep their lives together.

This too, shall pass (I think that’s the message my t-shirt is trying to convey).

Let’s all send out what love and light we have to spare, while taking in what others are sending us. Maybe that will keep us all able to move forward.

Contemplating the meaning of life and transcendence on a Maundy Thursday.

Thank you all. Supportive messages for me and all the rest of us blog readers and their circles are welcome.