My mental image of myself is some tomboy wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and boots. My actual self keeps wearing a lot of jewelry, growing my nails (not at the moment), and messing with my hair. It’s been so many colors and shapes. But at least I’m now going for a color found in humans.
It’s blazing white.
No not platinum blonde. White. Icy white. It looks kind of butch, right? Tell me yes. I am going for a neutral look. Why? I like it. But I have the girly option at any time!
The good news is I don’t have to indulge in fancy hair often. My roots didn’t look all that bad before I went in. So, twice a year I can look like the human version of Carlton and Gracie Lou, our whitest dogs.
Pre-cut root examination.
Kathleen just reminded me that self care is important. And it is. I actually feel a bit better today. Even pretty in my gender neutral way.
Part of that is thanks to y’all. Your support has helped! Tell me, what’s your favorite self care activity? Mine is HAIR.
Most of my life, I’ve done a lot of fancy knitting. But, lately, with all the other things weighing on my mind, simple stuff has been better. The past few things I’ve made would show that (I’ll share at the bottom of this post). I have found that simple, comfort knitting is a great thing to add to my coping with crisis mode toolbox.
(What else is in the toolbox you ask? Well, if you look in the comments of yesterday’s post, you’ll find some great suggestions by a fellow blogger, Julia, that include what I do: healthy snacks, exercise, get out in the light, enjoy cute animals, good music, etc.)
So, since I inadvertently left my current project AND the shawl I was going to finish off at the ranch, I started the little blue shawl I mentioned on Tuesday. Only, it’s not so little anymore. Apparently, my fingers have needed to knit, and my mind has needed to concentrate just a little on something pleasant to give itself a rest.
It has grown so much that I need to get longer needles when I get back to the ranch. This makes it look like a mushroom or a hat.
I’ve knitted up a storm each evening, while watching bland television shows, mostly about cute little animals on Animal Planet Wild. To take your mind off current events, a little Dr. Pol works wonders.
You can see the start of the lace pattern, which gets bigger and bigger as the shawl grows.
I felt confident enough to add some spice to the shawl, so have have thrown in some lattice lace. Yes, it’s making holes, but no, I don’t have to look at a pattern to do it. I just add one yarn over and decrease to each side, which is easy to spot the right place to do. I’m experienced enough to do a left-leaning decrease on the right side of the shawl, and vice versa.
For the tree readers who understood the previous paragraph, here are some ugly decreases.
The decreases aren’t all that attractive, but this thing is mostly wool and will block out. Since I’m not using lace-weight or floofy mohair yarn, it’s not exactly a traditional shawl anyway. It’s gonna be warm for whoever ends up wearing it.
Anita dared me to put a picture of my evening ensemble, in which I actually went out to walk the dog, and ran into a bunch of neighbors. I was obviously feeling like I looked.
If I didn’t have to lead a meeting at the happy hour of 8 am, I’d still be asleep now, because that felt good last night. I’m feeling well enough to send out some strength to my lovely family, my dear friends, and all of you who are facing challenges and keeping going!
Oh yeah, here are the two bland projects I made the last couple of years. One is a rectangle. Zzz.
I think this was supposed to be part of a top. I gave up.
I don’t have a photo of this finished, because Lee’s brother took it.
Oh no, not another post where someone, specifically Suna, whines about how horrible the past year’s been on those poor pitiful empaths. Not to worry, I, Suna, am also tired of that, especially when I hear it coming from the mouths of some of the least empathic human beings I know. But, who am I to argue about how others self identify? So, go right ahead and say you’re one. Maybe really most of us ARE empaths after all.
Hey, this jasmine plant is blooming already, even after being severely trimmed. Life WILL return to something better after struggle!
So, I’m not whining. I’m just noticing, like one of those intrusive thoughts that come up in meditation that you notice and then let float away while you enjoy the breath moving in and out, if you can (not all folks can!). I notice that I am not alone in experiencing a greater-than-usual amount of death and loss during the past week or two. I notice that, when you combine that with a LOT of change in areas we can’t control (work, politics, family), stress, anxiety, and worry starts running high. I notice imbalance.
In everyone.
I have not spoken to or texted a single person today who is not at just about their limit of 2021-generated agita. I am one of those people. This makes for an uncomfortable circuit of communication in which people share their issue, I share my issue, they share another issue, I share an issue, and in the end, we realize rather than helping each other, we’ve just ramped each other up into sniveling balls of angst. There has been sniveling and sniffling in my life today, none of it unjustified. I feel their pain, and then, because I’m not exactly at my peak of highest self, send pain back, rather than being a good, supportive listener.
I’d like to stop that, now.
One choice I have is to remain comfortably numb. If I stop typing, researching, creating, etc., I just stare forward, like I was this morning, with a thick buzzing in my brain, like I’m still asleep. This doesn’t sound like the picture of good mental health, to me.
Another thing I tried was to go learn something. That always helps me. So, today, because I was asked to, I did a whole bunch of research on bullet journals and the full focus journals that Lee uses. The women’s group at work is interested in journaling methods for improving their work efficiency. And I made a PowerPoint NOT with the corporate template. That was a treat that perked me up for at least twenty minutes.
My best choice I can come up with right now is to talk to someone who doesn’t feel like I do, so I can vent and not have to receive jittery vibes back. Oh good, I’m home, and Anita’s doing fine. I’ll try that.
Read my socks, 2021.
So, if you’re having one of those days where empaths are trying to be empathetic to empaths, go find someone who will just listen and say, “Tut tut, there there, that’s a LOT on your plate, my friend.” And then go read, knit, color in your coloring book, or find another creative outlet. Feel free to ignore the news unless it’s something like transgender rights to serve in the military or getting rid of private prisons (those pleased me yesterday).
I hope to soon notice more of a balance between positive and negative life events, if this works.
If it doesn’t work, what ideas do you have for dragging on through more of the unending negativity and working back toward a more balanced life?
What with all the deaths and sicknesses going on in my extended community, I’m a little shell shocked. This morning I’m awake, but feeling like a part of me is still asleep, in the two-story hammock I’d been dreaming about before I awoke.
I don’t own a hammock, but if I did, a double-decker one would be nice. Image by @Barefoot_Traveller via Twenty20
I’m usually a fairly rational person, but in my rationality, I know for sure there are things we don’t understand, don’t know about yet, or defy our current modes of thinking. So, when I remembered I’d been thinking about my friend who passed away much of the day he’d died, I found it a little worrisome. Coincidence or what? The renovation dude is probably fine. I’m just shaken up by all the losses 2021 has already brought.
2021: Like 2020, Only with a Different US Government
Then, last night I dreamed of someone who used to be in my life every freaking day when we did home renovations. I rarely think of him these days. So, I’m all wondering if he’s all right. There are some logical issues in that. But it’s a feeling I get, and I have feelings that are right a LOT.
I think back on it, and I do engage in a lot of “magical thinking.” My mental image of Suna is of someone who’s not superstitious, but I may well be fooling myself. People just seem to have a deep-set need for the comfort of superstitions, or omens, or signs. For example, I feel like it’s going to be a good day if I see deer on the side of the road. No idea what’s up with that one.
Have a nice day, Suna!
Yes, I do have a whole bunch of these, and one at each desk. Image by @adhgraphicdesign via Twenty20,
I have often worn jewelry I think might help me with difficult people or situations. It helps me focus on taking care of myself, no doubt. Or those stones have helpful vibrations. Who knows? I’m not ruling anything out that I don’t have a good explanation for.
Traditional signs or superstitions don’t stick with me, though. I don’t think a cardinal is a loved one coming to visit, though. I’d feel surrounded by ghosts, seeing how many dang cardinals are at the ranch at any time.
Dead person, coming at you! Image by @stacey.haycraft via Twenty20
I’m watching you, from over in Ireland. Image by @mandymy17 via Twenty20
Maybe we all just get comfort thinking there are unknown things beyond ourselves that are out to help us or warn us. Even those of us who believe that it’s Jesus, Mother Mary, or some other deity watching over us seem to often see other signs or omens, or avoid walking under ladders. I guess it can’t hurt to double up.
I’m laughing right now, because my watch decided to update, just a few minutes before I was going to leave for work, and is being particularly pokey about it. I don’t want to stop, so here I am, staring at it. I thought, hmm, maybe if I start something else, like nail maintenance, it will magically speed up the update. That did not work, though now my cuticles smell like roses. No wait, the watch is done! IT WORKED! MAGIC.
I’m curious as to what little signs, omens, or superstitions bring you comfort, even when your logical mind tells you there’s no evidence that it’s going to make a difference one way or the other?
Geez, folks, this week I’m being tested for something. Perhaps it’s, “Can Suna find humor in everything?” “Is there a reason to smile hiding in any annoyance?” I hope I pass the exam, because I’m really trying to find humor and beauty, but today has, basically, sucked.
Nature’s always there to rescue me and remind me there’s good out there. So, here ya go, it’s the bloom off my mother-in-law’s tongue plant. How delicate and wondrous that is. Getting a houseplant to bloom has to make you smile (for pictures of it when it was budding, check out my very long houseplant post).
And, my daily commute (yay, I have the all-clear to go to the office) started and ended with one of my favorite sounds, cedar waxwings in large flocks. They flew over, but none were close enough to to photograph. I just love those whistles they make.
In between the commutes was a very frustrating work day, in which all my hardware components decided they were tired of functioning normally. My monitors did a devlish dance that was hard for me to believe. The really nice IT dude drove over (most people work from home) to try to help, which resulted in one monitor ceasing to let itself be found, my new keyboard and mouse stopped working, and my dock gave up the ghost. Well, shoot. I have not yet found the humor in that situation…it just happens when you rely on technology for your job!
Look, there’s a second bloom stalk hiding back there!
So, I ended up having to do delicate meetings on the phone. I started pacing, which apparently made everyone else on the call nauseated. It did give my boss something to laugh about, so there, a good thing came out of it. We were doing meetings that were not fun for us, so there was more than the usual amount of gentle ribbing, photos of dogs, and other distractions. See, not all bad. And I was pivoting, like a good Agile worker.
I got home and was reminded of the other thing that had me annoyed, from yesterday. I left my dang knitting project over at the Hermits’ Rest house. Having gone through a bunch of minor annoyances yesterday, I really wanted to knit, so I ran all over the Bobcat Lair house until I found a yarn I’d bought years ago back when I had knitting friends and went to the Kid ‘n Ewe festival.
Who needs a pattern when the yarn is so lovely, right<
I decided to just start out with a plain triangular shawl, with a classy tabbed start. I’m going to throw in some simple lace later, now that I realize that the blues and purples aren’t too distracting. The yarn is hand dyed from a Texas dyer that’s no longer in business, but I like how it has a matte thread and a shiny thread plied together. So, that’s one more annoyance I was able to laugh at.
Hey, thanks for the nice words and comments on my previous post. I have some really great readers. And by the way, you can always go read blogs on WordPress if you want to cheer up. There’s so much beauty, and at least a river isn’t flooding my back yard (garden) like poor @knittingjane of Woolly Wednesday. Go read a blog! And take care!
Sometimes the hits just keep coming. I’m not here to share the stories of others, so let me say that the past few days have been full of unexpected illnesses, complex surgeries, and sudden deaths among my friends and family. That can be hard on an empath, even one with boundaries.
Swamps comfort me. Something about new life and decay, I guess.
One death has hit me particularly hard, since it was of a special friend with whom I had a weird and complex relationship since I was 14. I hadn’t heard from him except on Facebook posts for a couple of months, then, wow, I’ll never hear from him again.
We were fellow singers, and spent a lot of time talking about music, since we both did choral music (that’s how we met in high school). Sometimes when I was a mess, he’d call and sing me “Country Roads” or something like that. Everyone needs good friends, and it’s hard to lose one.
I’ve found music to really help me when I’m mourning a loss, and today, in honor of my friend’s habit of sharing music with others, I’ll share my favorite song of all time.
Oddly enough, this song was on two of the first record albums I ever got, at around age 14, as a matter of fact. Once I heard “You’ve Got a Friend,” I felt heard, like I actually HAD a friend. I’ve sung this song many, many times, and it comforts me. Honestly, when I really think about my life goals, it’s always been to be a good friend (and why I get so sad when I lose one to my own human failings).
And, the first “favorite song” I ever had is STILL my favorite comfort song. That’s almost 50 years of comfort.
I’m not much of a YouTube linker, but if you ever want to hear what music has comforted me in my life, there aren’t many. You can look them up yourself.
You Can Close Your Eyes (James Taylor)
Drive All Night (Bruce Springsteen)
The Chorale movement of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony
The Long Black Veil, Chieftains version
Yep, that’s about it. What comforts you? Music, images, books? Do tell. I could use it. I’ll miss my friend. Luckily people live on in our hearts. And remember, you’ve got a friend.
Have I missed a trend? Am I incredibly out of it? Can someone kindly tell me what is going on here?
Answer Below!
Look closely at this hollow stump.
Y’all, there’s a parade of eggplants around this stump, which, by the way, is in the middle of Walker’s Creek cemetery. What‽
Okay. I know an eggplant emoji is used to symbolize male appendages. Is this a pee-pee parade?
I could not find any articles on occult eggplant 🍆 rituals. I sure know nothing about such things, and I’ve studied symbols and such.
Well, maybe someone feeds the squirrels at that stump and left them there, but the squirrels didn’t like them?
I guess I could think of weird sorority or fraternity rituals, or maybe a farm kid prank. Instead, I’ll ask YOU.
What is going on at my local cemetery? I will share any fun guesses here!
Answers I Received
I’ve learned this much, but I would still love to know who arranged the altar and why, in this specific case.
Maxwellthedog pointed out in comments: Not just any eggplant. A Japanese eggplant. A nasubi.
Chris Lindsey shared this link to the goddess Oya, pointing out that she often received offerings of eggplant.
And Kathleen knew all about it. She shares: The guardian of the cemetery Oya. Sometimes if you look closely there are slits cut in the eggplants with notes placed inside.
Oya! From The Orishas: Oya, link above.
Further reading makes me realize it’s part of the Santeria religion. Well, THAT adds a lot to the current history of Walker’s Creek. How cool!
She watches over cemeteries, guarding the dead with one foot in the world of the living and one in the world of the deceased. Oya is deeply connected to those who have passed over and she is said to guide those who have died through the cemetery gates to their eternal resting place. While she is known for her passion and strength, she exudes unwavering compassion for all of our ancestors.
It’s amazing what I can learn when I know what to look for (eggplant and ritual were not enough). I found out that Oya’s feast day is February 2. That’s a familiar date. Why, it’s right at Imbolc, the feast day of St. Brighid! Lo and behold:
Ọya (Yoruba: Ọya, also known as Oyá or Oiá; Yansá or Yansã; and Iansá or Iansã in Latin America) is an orisha of winds, lightning, and violent storms, death and rebirth. She is similar to the Haitian god Maman Brigitte, who is syncretised with the Catholic Saint Brigit.
Here’s another book I started out hating, so I put it down for a good while. It all worked out for the best though, because I picked it up right when I needed it most.
I got this book, because it’s the one my work book club selected. When I started out, I was really put off by the tone and all the assumptions the author made about who her readers were. They are most assuredly people who are not me. But then, those people need books, too, right? It’s meant for people in their twenties and thirties, from what I can tell from the popular culture references strewn throughout the text. And it is most certainly for Americans, for the same reasons.
Sincero does try to notice that not everyone has the privileges she has, but there’s a lot of exhortations to just DO a thing and all will be well. Plus, there’s an undercurrent of blaming people for their own misfortunes. I don’t think she intends it, but it does come across if you know anyone who is actually poor, abused, or has other big-ass hardships.
No doubt, a lot of people will enjoy her light-hearted tone and short, easy-to-read-in-a-sitting chapters. Sincero’s heart is in the right place, and I guess she’s just talking like a life coach, making me very glad, once again, not to have a life coach. She repeats that important notion that you’re fine just as you are, and that it’s okay to let go of things (andpeople) that don’t serve you. And I think for anyone setting out to figure out who they are and who they want to be, her ideas, visualizations, and focusing techniques can be truly helpful.
I thought hard about it and realized I know who I am, where I want to be in life, and how I’m going about getting there. I know where my blockages are and am laser focused on moving through them. (I am NOT perfect; I just already introspect the heck out of myself and keep changing and adjusting.)
Here’s What Was Serendipitous
The cool experience I had with You Are a Badass (registered trademark) is that I set it down from November until last week, when I realized I needed to read the next section for our long-delayed book club meeting soon. Then I said to myself, “Let’s just get this book over with, and kept plodding away.
Now, I’d been dealing with a person who’d been in my life a while, but whose habits and actions really bothered me. I talked about it in my bully post. I knew perfectly well what I needed to do to stop letting myself feel annoyed, and deep beneath my subconscious there was an elusive piece of insight I knew I needed to apply, but it had slipped my mind. Not to worry, by delaying reading this book until the right moment, my reminder popped up, right there on page 180.
p. 180, BINGO
I’ve heard that before, and even applied it to myself (for example, I learned to deal with a constant “my problems are worse than yours” friend by realizing I had that tendency, too, forgiving the friend, and working on my own shit. Y’all do NOT get to read about all my problems here (just things I want to share, in case they are helpful to someone), and you can thank that friend.
But yeah. Sincero’s example was even right on. This person feels as if he just HAS to be the smartest person in the room, delivering lectures at the drop of a hat, and not entertaining alternate ideas or thoughts. That is another tendency I fall into myself. I hate being wrong (or screwing up). Luckily, this is another thing I’ve worked on (and had a LOT of opportunities since I came to rural America). I no longer feel it necessary to trot out my knowledge of whatever it is I’m so knowledgeable about unless I really think someone WANTS to know about it or would make any use of my expertise. I’ve been called out on this a few times (Suna, aren’t you a professional writer? Why didn’t you say anything to that person pontificating about writing?) Unless it’s worth the effort, I’ll just let people figure stuff out for themselves; I don’t have to be Professor of Everything I Know About.
But, that does explain one reason that person annoyed me. That person also has a savior complex, and feels that it’s their duty to fix the problem of every sob story they hear about (human and otherwise). Helping others is good. Helping others to get attention for it is less great. And oh have I been accused of doing that in the past! I am pretty sure that, while I’ve helped some people, my motives may have been messed up some of the time. No wonder seeing that in someone else annoyed me.
Seeing this made me feel much better about needing some distance, and also helped me get over being annoyed. That leads to the next nugget I ran into, all about how to get past being irritated and move on. I needed a reminder of this, too.
page 123, the nugget of goodness
Right on! I am learning to talk to people I care about if I have issues with them, and to listen when people do that to me. She’s right, it can bring you closer. But, in the case of the bully, Sincero is dead right. It is totally useless to think about revenge, proving myself right (I am), or some other vindication. It’s not worth the mental effort nor the physical symptoms all that vitriol can cause.
I knew I needed to just let it go. I had been telling myself that, but this passage helped me realize it was for my own good to do this. If karma bites that person in the butt, I may not see it, but that’s fine. If it becomes clear to them that I was doing the right thing all along by resisting the bullying, well, maybe that will help them, but it won’t be my problem. I’m over here with people who like me, learning about being a better human being, and dealing with my own issues.
That’s plenty, right? I’m glad I came across those passages right when I needed them.
Small Warning
The last part of the book, where she goes into full-throttle, goal-setting, laser-focused dream achievement is something you might want to skip. The end of the book has advice that, if I took it, I’d be one miserable human being. I think it would be very hard to be so focused on some goal that you have no other life. Also, her belief in the Secret, or whatever it is, that things come if you just focus on them, well, it’s great for some stuff.
But it felt to ME that she came from a really entitled white lady space in a lot of the last part of the book. I don’t think she knows REAL struggle, systemic racism, and the like.
Just my thoughts. If you fit her intended audience, though, maybe you, too, can bring out the internal badass that’s always been there. I find that Brene Brown says similar things in a way that resonates more with me. But then, she is closer to my age.
I promised I’d write more about my visit to Walker’s Creek cemetery. I ended up observing close to 50 different plants! Check out my pretty pictures and witty prose!
Many thanks go out to Linda Jo Conn, who suggested that our chapter members should get outside and visit a local cemetery. I have missed doing iNaturalist stuff and actually getting volunteer hours for it SO much since we’ve been asked not to make observations on our own property, which rules out the 600 acres around me. But, ha! There’s a cemetery right down the road, just oozing with history and life.
While I’ve written about Walker’s Creek cemetery before, I was compelled to write again, because our Master Naturalist event champion, Linda Jo, asked us to go out and observe at a Milam County cemetery this week. This place is so beautiful, I’m always happy to visit.
This is maybe a mile from the ranch.
I decided to do two things, survey what’s living and growing in the area for iNaturalist and see what I can learn about the area’s history from the tombstones. I’ll post the nature stuff on the Master Naturalist blog when it’s done.
Our area in a nutshell. I do have photos of the school, etc., somewhere on this blog.
As I looked around, I saw the graves of those founders and their descendants. The Jinks family put in new stones and is all fancy.
Very fancy, Jinks family. Older Jinks graves. Marzillah, on the right, died in 1909 and has Heaven and other art on her stone. Her husband was a Mason. He died in 1886, making him probably one of the first ones here.
The Cages and Walkers had some cool old stones. I love how many stones throughout the cemetery have kind words on them.
Mothers often have poems. Another beloved mother. “Rest, mother, rest in quiet sleep, While friends in sorrow over thee weep.”
Another thing I notice on the older headstones is that there are hands in them, like the one at our house, which has a hand pointing up. Here are a couple with a handshake and hands reading a book (Bible, I assume).
Hands under a curtain.
Another mother
My favorite of all.
This is a dove
My favorite stone with an inscription was this much more recent one. Way to go, Sonny.
Yes. What a guy.
I do enjoy humor from the families. This is so cute cute
A cow, and a population sign. Fun Lucko family.
Lots of the gravestones looked like trees. They are Woodmen of the World stones, bought with burial insurance. When I was a kid, I thought it was an organization for guys like my grandfather, who was a woodsman (forest surveyor).
1919 grave of Luther Allen
As I looked around, I noticed a few things. One is that the people buried here aren’t German or Czech, like we see in the surrounding area. The names are mostly English, Scots, etc.
A Walker who lived a long life. Originally a Todd. There are Todds down the road.
Even the people I know who are buried here have English names. The late sheriff Green, his son, and eventually his wife, the Greenes, are here.
Newer graves lovingly cared for.
This is a great example of what I saw all over the cemetery, where people do sweet things like stack rocks or arrange rocks in patterns. I thought it was so sweet.
Notice the stacked rocks. Also, such a beautiful tree for the family to enjoy during visits.
The rocks hold up better than fake flowers, for sure. But, some of the graves are well tended. My former neighbor, Elaine, gets visited often. It helps that her son now lives across the street in her old house.
Notice the rocks, her favorite bird, and fresh flowers.
Another thing I noticed was that any tomb cover on a grave was all cracked up. I’m not surprised, seeing how much the soil moves around here. The Jinks grave above shows this. Here’s another example.
It’s all cracked.
This cemetery is in a beautiful spot, surrounded by woods and little ponds. I enjoyed my time here so much.
There were doves and cardinals around this pond.
Remember the sign at the beginning that talked about a church? Most cemeteries have a church associated with them. There’s not one here now, but there was one across the road, here.
This is where the church was.
I’d noticed the sign before, since we drive by here often.
Church site.
Only today did I see the sign, which appears to be on the old entry. Aha.
Very descriptive.
I saw so much of historical interest here, right down the street! I look forward to writing up all the plants and animals I encountered.
The Hermits' Rest 