Ramblings – Page 15 – The Hermits' Rest

My Goal? Validation of Dreams

What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?

What? I’ve been thinking of my answer all day. I came to realize that what I really want to bring to the world with this blog is to validate to readers that if I can do hard things, so can they.

That’s an odd answer, says horse from my calendar.

I’m just an average fairly intelligent person with anxiety and self esteem issues. I share my ups and downs as honestly as I can, to show others that they aren’t the only ones who struggle and to validate two things:

You aren’t alone with your self doubt, family issues, and fears
You have every right to celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small.

I talk about my interests in nature, riding horses, and crafts as examples of validation for myself that readers can take and apply to their own passions. And hey, if readers learn along with me, that’s a bonus!

I learned this is not a two-headed crow. It’s two crows.

I just hope that I’ve helped someone feel less weird, unsuccessful, or talentless. I’m never going to be a great equestrian performer and neither are my horses. But I’ve defined success as getting stronger mentally and physically and developing healthy relationships with my animal companions. If we set our goals right, it’s a lot easier to succeed. I hope I show that and that it helps someone.

I learned today that I get all swollen from the Shingrex vaccine.

Validating that you don’t have to be the best at something to enjoy it goes for my craft projects too. I was unhappy when I was trying to be a great knitter and keep up with my peers. Now that I’m just making things for fun, I’m doing better. And that’s great! Let’s all validate our achievements when we do as well as we can, not comparing ourselves to others.

The final way I hope I can validate readers’ feelings and accomplishments is showing that I never stop learning and am not ashamed to admit when I’m wrong or ignorant on a topic. How are you ever going to gain wisdom if you think you know everything already? The older I get, the less certain I am of anything. And that’s fine.

I wanted to also talk about validation from a personal perspective. I’ve come to the understanding that it’s more important to validate your own feelings, knowledge, and accomplishments. Like the self help folks say, you need to love yourself and talk kindly to yourself. That’s been my inner work for a long time.

But in addition, I need to stop feeling ashamed that external validation is still important to me. Yes, it’s a character “flaw” that can lead you down the road to codependency and unhealthy people pleasing behavior. I know that all too well since I repeatedly contorted myself into a sniveling whiner to try to get people I loved to love me back, get approval from teachers, or get praised by bosses. It wasn’t pretty.

I’m tested by this daily as I have to remind myself that I can’t make people like or appreciate me. Still, some kinds of external validation buoy me up, and that’s not horrible.

For example, that “award” I learned about yesterday (still not sure exactly what it is) made me feel good about my job, which isn’t often a source of pride (I do well; it’s just you aren’t supposed to praise contractors).

And another example of healthy external validation for me is how Tarrin talks to me during our lessons. She’s as good at motivating humans as she is with horses. She sees the skills I’m improving in and lets me know, like not getting upset when Drew got annoyed and lifted both front feet in the air. I’ve gotten so much calmer than I used to be! And it helps! She let me know I’m doing better at making corrections, too. It lets me see I AM improving, at my own pace and with my own goals.

Drew got a little testy about turning left, so Tarrin had to work it out.

So I’m allowing myself to appreciate kind words and encouragement from others, but not in an unhealthy way. I’m self validating!

All the Happy

List 30 things that make you happy.

I have a serious topic I want to write about, but I’m still pondering. So let’s have fun and list happy-making things off the top of my head!

One. Blogging. It’s such a nice outlet to share and connect with the world

Two. Shiny things. Must have been a crow in a past life.

Three. Doing my nails. It’s a weird hobby for a sorta neutral person, but I’ve stuck with it 50 years now.

Four. Watching the dogs playing.

Five. Finding a new bird by sound or sight. Such fascinating creatures.

Six. Learning new horse skills. Especially with Apache, who enjoys it as much as I do.

Seven. Ice cream.

Eight. Driving my car. It’s so comfortable and Zoom.

That’s my car after it drove to Arizona.

Nine. Hiking. Or walking on trails looking for interesting plants, birds, mammals, insects, etc.

Ten. Knitting and Crochet. My hands love the familiar rhythms, and my eyes love the colors.

Eleven. Reading magazines. I like to have pictures to go with the words I’m reading. Plus I learn a lot from most of them, other than my guilty pleasure of People.

Looks like my cardigan. Actually I made this, too.

Twelve. Talking with friends (including Messenger). I get so happy just catching up, even when we discuss hard things. Of course, I’m awful at phone calls. So call me, Donita and Jan.

Thirteen. The way horses smell. So happy-making.

Fourteen. Sleeping in a new, clean bed. I think that’s why I enjoy traveling so much. Hotel and condo beds.

Condo bed in Colorado. I’ll be there soon.

Fifteen. Hearing positive political news. It’s so rare that I get giddy.

Sixteen. Babies. Even cranky ones. I miss them.

Seventeen. Singing harmony. I don’t get to do it anymore, since my voice broke, but I lapse into it occasionally. It’s so intimate.

Eighteen. Rain. It rained this morning and I was very happy until Penney erupted in fear. But rain is so welcome here.

Nineteen. The swimming pool. It’s hard not to be happy floating around or sitting with Lee watching the hummingbirds on the red yucca.

Twenty. Mountains. They fascinate me, I guess because I have mostly lived in flat places. I love the waterfalls, rocks, and forests.

Twenty-one. Flowers. All of them. What a cool way to reproduce! I get a little thrill when I spot a flower.

Twenty-two. Helping someone. I get so happy when I can make things easier for someone or do a favor.

Twenty-three. Chickens running. Just thinking about Bertie Lee and Buttercup running up to greet me brings a smile to my face. I shall get more chickens next month.

Twenty-four. Making cornbread oyster dressing. Reminds me there were good times in the past.

Twenty-five. Spending time with my son. He’s become such an interesting adult.

Twenty-six. Attending conferences. I like learning, meeting new people, connecting with friends, and hotel bars. It’s like going to college with no tests.

Twenty-seven. Riding in the motorhome with Lee. He loves driving and I love the scenery.

Twenty-eight. The moment when you get to the apex of the hill on 190 and see all of Cameron spread out in the distance. You can see the courthouse. Especially at night I feel a rush of happiness. See, I don’t dislike Cameron, Texas.

Twenty-nine. Art Galleries and Museums. It’s amazing what beauty people can create.

Thirty. Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, especially the Chorale. I cry every time I hear it.

Whew. That was hard.

Listening for Joy

Describe one habit that brings you joy.

Thankfully, I have some good habits. But I’ve been cultivating one for the past year or so that has enhanced my life greatly and consistently brings me joy. It’s listening.

I’m not talking about listening in conversation (which I’m sometimes rather bad at—I’m working on it). I’ve been practicing listening to nature. I know I’ve written about this before, but it’s become increasingly valuable in my mindfulness practice.

Listening attentively takes your mind off other things. Just noticing sounds when you’re doing yoga breathing is nice for meditation.

I have good hearing, for which I’m very grateful. Now that I’ve been practicing using Merlin Bird ID so much, I can sit in my birding chair with my eyes closed and know what’s going on all around me. I can hear many birds the app can’t, which makes me very happy.

But spending so much time walking and standing in various spots around the ranch has helped me identify much more than bird calls. I can tell what’s flying by from wing flapping. Watch a Cardinal fly sometime: you’ll see a pattern. That pattern is easy to hear because they are the loudest flyers (second are house sparrows). Vulture wings are also easy to hear. I love that sound. And of course hummingbirds and mourning doves have distinctive wing sounds.

I found this hummingbird by sound this morning.

When I listen to birds, I hear other life forms. I can tell my favorite bees and bee flies from each other, and I know some of the frogs (bullfrog and cricket frog croaks are easiest). There are always cicadas and crickets in summer. I wish I had an app for those. And the grasshoppers that fly (only females) make loud noises, too.

Can you hear me chewing leaves? (spur-throated grasshopper)

Whoever said it’s quiet in the country has never been there. Especially when there are cows around. I can identify them chewing (as opposed to horses) and can tell whether I’m hearing them pee or poop. I could do without that.

A listening skill I finally have down is the squirrel. I’ve stopped thinking they are birds. When a squirrel and hawk got into an argument this afternoon, I didn’t try to figure out if it was a Cuckoo or Green Heron. It was a small triumph.

It occurred to me one day that the sounds people make are probably identified by animals. I’ve amused myself lately by not trying to parse the words I hear in restaurants or other busy places, and just hear the sounds people make as noises. I wonder if we’re as annoying as a flock of grackles?

Listening is an important skill to develop. I spent many years developing listening skills in music and languages. But the nature sounds bring me much joy. It’s like the whole world is communicating. Yes, the whole world IS communicating. That’s the Big Picture I need to remind myself about often.

Curiosity: The Secret to a Happy, Long Life

What are you curious about?

Now, here’s a question I can answer! I’m curious about everything. I probably could have gone to college my whole life getting degrees in different subjects. Since I couldn’t do that, I’ve tried to keep asking questions and trying to see how things work my whole life. And oh, how happy I am when I figure something out (examples to follow).

Dusty is **always** curious about what I’m doing. I couldn’t get a picture of all 4 horses lined up in their stall, because he had to come check me out. He’s so sweet and I can’t fault him for being curious!

It’s always seemed to me that people who are curious and want to expand their knowledge are happy. Closed-minded people seem either sad or grumpy. I don’t have scientific evidence for this, so maybe I should look that up…

There’s lots of evidence that lifelong learners stay sharper (on average) than people who are fine without getting new insights or ideas. To me these folks seem to live longer, but maybe not. In any case, curiosity makes any life feel rich and long.

Look! I was curious as to what this is. It’s a bluish-green cuckoo wasp. I found out it’s a parasite on mud dauber nests. Hmmm.

There are things I’m not all that curious about. For certain I don’t want to know what other people are thinking. Nope. I’ve tried, but I can’t get interested in learning war strategies, types of firearms, ways to cheat “the system,” or gambling. I’m not all that curious about how political systems work, but since Lee is, I’m learning about it anyway. It just soaks in.

Lee loves CNN. He took this awkward anchor person photo.

I like solving little local mysteries that my curiosity brings out. I gather my mental evidence and look for more. Like today, my hunch that there was a Green Heron nest in the pond behind the house was borne out. I finally saw the whole family, including squabbling adolescents. That was fun!

In Other News

I made more cardigan progress today. It fits! Now I’m working on the sleeves, which require a delicate calculation of how much of the main yarn color is left. The sleeves need to be even!

Yep, it’s bright. At least I smoked today.

And I have also finished updating the Sightings section on this blog website. I found it interesting that the numbers of plant and insect species are very close, over 350 each (I say from memory, since I’m not curious enough to check). I don’t think I’d ever have imagined I’d find that many if I hadn’t have been curious enough to start recording them.

I’m glad this week is over. There certainly have been lots of ups and downs in my personal stuff, my friends’ lives, the US, and the world. Maybe there can be a little break?

Crocheting a Distraction

Hello! I’m here, just without much to say. There’s so much going on around me, both good and challenging, that it’s hard to focus on a topic. Honestly, I want to meditate all day to get away from the competing distractions, but I know meditation shouldn’t be an escape. So, I’m crocheting.

I was trying to make this bright and sparkly project out of only yarn in my stash, but I didn’t have any solids in the right weight (oh, I do, but in the shipping container). When I found the purple gradient, I was thrilled, since it’s the same brand.

I tried it on this morning after I finished the bottom band and was happy to see it was the medium length I wanted.

Older person, rear view. It looks good other than lacking sleeves.

Today I got more than halfway through the collar band, so the sleeves will happen soon. It’s a yoked cardigan. I’ve knitted many but never crocheted one. I’m so impressed that I didn’t make it huge.

It’s good to have the crafts and the birds to distract me. There were lots of birds today, including the elusive Wild Turkey and Osprey. I didn’t see either but I heard them. I’d heard the Osprey arguing with a hawk earlier in the week. Of course, no photos of them, but the Cardinals and Mockingbirds will pose.

I’ve been letting the swimming pool distract me, too. It’s so nice after horse activity. I’m getting swimming muscles, I think. The Olympics are also great distractions. Just people who have incredible skills showing good sportsmanship. That’s encouraging.

Look at this interesting insect. I have no idea what it is, but look at that stinger!

What distracts you when the world threatens to overwhelm you?

Not Very Traditional

What traditions have you not kept that your parents had?

It’s a slow news day here at the ranch, so I’ll answer this one. My parents didn’t have many traditions that I can think of, so it’s a little hard to come up with them.

Ah, Easter is a non-tradition for me. Aren’t we a happy 60s family?

I remember they always had a drink or two before dinner. So we always ate later than some of my friends. The drinks were usually vodka and grapefruit juice, but that changed later and Dad had scotch and Mom had morphine. Anyway, I don’t do that. I have wine occasionally before/during dinner and bourbon and an ice cube after. But not all that often.

I do like wine, just not being tipsy anymore (Pexel image)

My parents both thought smoking made them look cool. Dad did look distinguished with his pipe and Mom was elegant with her cigarettes until she wasn’t. I have memories of her vacuuming my room while smoking and leaving long ash caterpillars on the floor. I’d have to re-do it. Mom tried. She had an addiction issue. Watching her die was enough to make me never want to smoke anything, especially since I’d already had so much second-hand smoke that my lungs were weakened. So, not keeping that tradition.

Mom’s floating around up there giving me advice.

They did have a tradition I liked, which was walking the dog (Pumpkin, whom I’ve mentioned before) every night after dinner. Since they were already tipsy, it meant for fun neighbor conversations. I’d walk the dog every evening if I had fewer dogs and a sidewalk. But it was nice and got Mom out of the house while she was sick.

I’d go cuckoo without the dogs. This is an actual cuckoo I saw today.

Damn, that was a downer. I bet this question was supposed to be about holidays or something.

This cheers me up. Squash soup with garlic chives and bread. So good.

Oh! A tradition I wish I’d kept up was having a beautiful garden and propagating plants. Mom was great at hybridizing camellias and daylilies. She grew beautiful orchids in later years. Dad was a great garden designer and loved to keep his lawn and flower beds perfect. I never have been that good or patient with plants but I sure enjoyed watching Dad. He was a great edger.

I just look at plants in case there’s a cool insect on them. That’s a dusky-winged hoverfly.

I guess I sort of maintain the plant tradition with all my native plant observations and how hard I try to protect them. There, I kept one.

Mom was crafty like me. I’ve also kept that family tradition going. This is the border of my sweater. Meh. Maybe it will look better when it’s done.

By the way, new to the Hermits’ Rest website is a page listing all the fungi I’ve identified on iNat.

Crafty Gal

How would you describe yourself to someone?

Every time I try to honestly describe myself people tell me I’m wrong. But I’m telling you how I’d describe myself, okay?

This is me in black and white, to emphasize that when I was young people still used black and white film all the time.

First, I’m crafty. I like to create pretty things, though I’m more into process than product. I rarely wear things I make, with some exceptions. Still, I’m always working on projects, like my temperature blankets.

This doesn’t show the cool spell of the past week.

A lot of people do a craft project during the Olympics. I didn’t intend to do one, but a friend crocheted something I thought was cute, so I picked up some leftover Mandala yarn and started this Granny Pop cardigan. You can find it on Ravelry or search for it.

It will get a band around the front and neck, plus sleeves. First I finish the body!

Back to my self description. Here is how I’d do it.

I’m very intelligent, with some gaps in knowledge even though I’ve had extensive humanities education.
I’m sensitive and intuitive, and overly empathic at times. This doesn’t lead to popularity.
I offend people easily. What I think is funny sometimes isn’t.
I also help people often and am told I’m kind.
I’m conflict avoidant. Family of origin issues.
Though I’m an introvert, I enjoy speaking in public and used to like to sing in public when my voice worked. I find teaching and training fun, but tiring.
I’m stronger both physically and mentally than I’ve ever been.
I am fairly fit because I like exercise when I’m having fun (not big on gym workouts or running).
Physically I’m a short woman with the build of a taller woman. I’m medium in weight, and long waisted.
I’m average looking with light brown eyes and fine hair that I’m letting go gray.
I’m a cisgender -heterosexual woman with She/her pronouns.
Politically I’m progressive/liberal but practical. I can think for myself and evaluate situations independent of what my social group says.
Religiously, I’m not fond of organized religion not one little bit, and that includes ones I’ve used to center my own spiritual life around. I’m mostly drawn to the teachings of the Buddha, Starhawk (she’s a neopagan), Native American teachings, and Jesus. I’m a pacifist, which makes me a big target I guess. I have no expectations that anyone else follow my path.
I love nature and the earth. It’s all fascinating. That includes my favorites, humans, horses, dogs, and birds.
What I know of human history saddens me. People are very cruel and people with power are so easily corrupted.

That was all rather unorganized. Perhaps that’s why I didn’t describe myself as a good writer or more accurately, a good editor. But it’s what they pay me to do!

This made me laugh today. I saw a stump and branch that I thought looked like a deer. Then I realized there was a young buck next to it.

The Freedom to Flee

If you won two free plane tickets, where would you go?

Honestly, I have no idea where I’d go if I won two free plane tickets. I’d probably be pragmatic and use it to fly to Hilton Head in November, first class.

This is what you get when you ask AI to make a picture of plane tickets to Hilton Head. That gave me a laugh.

Also, honestly, today I got so frustrated with my moods, my isolation (sometimes a hermit doesn’t feel so hermit-like and needs someone), and my lack of options that I seriously considered booking a hotel room in Austin and hiding there all weekend watching the Olympics.

I got over myself and decided not to waste my Hilton Honors points on that. Better to stay where I am and deal with things. And I did. So there. I’m still a little short-tempered, which is how I get when the anxiety attacks attack.

These are not the kind of mushrooms that help with PTSD, but we have a lot of them after all the rain.

And thanks to making good decisions, I got to experience the relief of getting a new ($$$) swimming pool pump. Yes, the original one in our pool has already kicked the bucket. It was making so much noise that it was no fun sitting outside in the nice weather and I couldn’t hear birds very well.

Lee and I got to sit by the pool and enjoy the silence this evening. That was healing silence. Maybe knowing I am free to flee if I need to makes me happy to just stay where I am.

Bee happy! Finally I got a GOOD bumblebee in a morning glory!

Tomorrow, gotta move some hay I didn’t move quickly enough. Then I’ll need to dry it out before storing it! Horses will enjoy this delicious hay grown right next door!

Companion Animal Preferences

Dogs or cats?

First. I like both dogs and cats. I’ve had both as pets, though never more than two cats at once.

Vlassic points out he has cat-like reflexes

I had cats when I lived in apartments and when my children were small because it was easier. They aren’t much work unless you really work at interacting. I don’t see all the moods and personalities others see in cats. They all make the same two or three faces and look nice curled into a ball. This makes me sound like not a cat person. But I’d have one if Lee wasn’t so allergic.

This is the only cat I know now, Potato. She lives with my son.

What I don’t like is cat pee and dirty litter boxes. My sister’s houses always reeked of cat poo. I could never stay long. And I had a cat that got all annoyed at us and peed all over my house, mostly in hidden spots on plastic bags. It was horrible. Once we let him go outside he was fine. We were sure he’d get killed quickly and die happy, but no. He held out forever. He lasted longer than any of my marriages (though Lee only has two years to go to last longer).

Mostly I’ve had dogs. I get along with dogs. Many of my early playmates were neighborhood dogs, back when they all roamed the neighborhood. Our black spaniel dog Maggie was my nice big sister, and Pumpkin, the dachshund mix who came afterwards, was so much a part of the family that we’d forget she couldn’t talk. She was there for my dad and brother while my mom was sick, and was the perfect emotional therapy dog, before that was a thing.

Carlton has been my emotional therapy dog. Here is the day we took him home.

Since we got our family dogs when my kids got older, Gwynn the Corgi and Scrunchy, the pug, I haven’t been without a dog. Well, make that “we” haven’t been without a dog. They are mostly Lee’s dogs, but I enjoy all six of them, too.

I’d feel weird without a dog. However, it hurts so much to lose one. I just looked at all my photos of dogs. Sniff. I miss our past companions. But here are random shots of the ones we have now, who are just as good!

PS: it’s looking cloudy out and there is rain predicted. That would sure be good.

Not much left of the little pond except crawfish and bullfrog homes.

Lost in Time

Which activities make you lose track of time?

Ah, I’m answering this question rather than sharing my current thoughts. They’ll be more refined tomorrow.

For certain, what my husband will tell you makes me lose track of time is nature walks. I just disappear and re-emerge with no idea how long I was gone. I’m completely enthralled by the sights, sounds, and smells of new places or new things in familiar places. I don’t want it to end.

Here’s a new thing I found in the driveway! It’s delicious common purslane, a portulaca (*Portulaca oleracea*) just like the cultivated one below.

Look at the beautiful Texas Striped Sweat Bee in my volunteer portulaca/moss rose

Hanging out with the animals also can make me lose track of time. I’ve just spent twenty minutes thinking about how beautiful Carlton is to me. My love for this guy never ends.

I ended up spending more time with Drew today than I’d intended, too. I’d walked to the next-door unused mailbox to drop something off, and decided to come back through the horse pasture, you know, in case there were any interesting plants or insects. So, I was concentrating on plants when I got a feeling I was being followed.

I kept going until I felt something hot on my neck.

Then I realized Droodles was sneaking up on me.

We ended up hanging out for quite a while just enjoying each other’s company. He didn’t push me around looking for treats, just rested his head on me and asked to be scratched. It’s so good to get along with each other again!

Mostly. That ear is showing some mischief is afoot.
Yes, I’m not much of a fashionista in this weather. That shirt is very orange and the head covering looks silly but keeps hair out of my face.

Not surprisingly, the other activity that leads me to lose track of time is reading. I’ve been reading Sibley Birds, Second Edition since I bought it in New Mexico. It’s only 600+ pages. I can’t stop looking at all the birds, learning new things about familiar ones and finding out what else might be out there in Texas (and wherever else I go).

I will admit to skimming Arctic residents and ocean birds. Otherwise, I’m reading it all. But I’m in the oriole section! I’m almost done! Do not worry. I have a nice long book about animal tracks lined up. That’s what happens when people stop mailing me novels, I guess. (I’m fine for novels! I have some enqueued.)

If I’m repeating myself, forgive me. I’m working on changing my mindset and that can wear me out until I’m through the hardest part (letting go of an unproductive mindset).

Thanks for being there, friends and family. You are appreciated even when I don’t show it well.