isolation – The Hermits' Rest

Calmly Seeing the Good Stuff

What daily habit do you do that improves your quality of life?

Hello from the Sick Ward known as my condo bedroom. It features knitting, reading material and used socks. I also have flavored water, cough drops, and chargers for my vital electric devices. Add the television and my world is complete.

How do you face an unpleasant illness and not sit around feeling sorry for yourself? You draw on your lifelong habits that keep you centered and focused (as much as possible — I’m human).

First, I’m probably harping on this, but my meditation practice helps me focus and stay calm. Twenty minutes or so in the mornings has always done a lot of good. I like to do it outdoors when possible. Here I’ve been sitting on the balcony. The fresh air feels good flowing in and out as I breathe.

The other habit I have has taken longer to become second nature is to see the good in whatever situation comes up. There’s always something good, though my go-to reaction to challenges is to jump to the worst-case scenario. Just ask my family.

Thus, pausing to find the benefits of where I am right now, was hard to learn. This inconvenient and potentially dangerous illness in “the elderly” (me) has been a good test.

So what’s good about getting Covid on your condo time?

I’m away from Lee, who has a harder time than I do with respiratory illnesses.
I have a beautiful view out my windows.
There’s food in the fridge.
If I need anything, my friend Ken seems like he could help (so far not too sick).
It’s easy to avoid people in this building. I can use the stairs, or could until today. Not breathing well enough.
I can speak again! Some symptoms are improving!
I have enough reading and knitting material that I’m not bored.
I can still work, with breaks.
I got sick early enough that I should be okay to go home.

So, as Monty Python said, “Always look on the bright side of life.”

(Note: there are always sad, hard, and difficult times. Then I just try to find small moments of comfort.)

Mental Illness Runs in Families

Time for more of that honesty that people either like or have become tired of lately.

Sometimes life feels like an unpleasant amusement park ride. I hate Ferris wheels.

I’ve been dealing with some painful consequences of mental illness for the past few weeks, both my own and the issues of others. I wouldn’t wish some of the struggles I’ve seen on anyone. It’s particularly hard, because it seems to come from innate struggles (along with “nurture” problems, many of which stem from being raised by people whose mental illnesses caused them to inflict pain on those around them). And I got so down that I managed to forget what caused it until a friend reminded me there’s a name for what I deal with.

Somewhere among my mother’s maternal ancestors, some powerful genes that make life hard for those who inherited them got wedged firmly in the family line. I don’t know how far back it goes, or which part of my grandmother’s family passed the issues on to her and her siblings, but wow, it left a strong legacy.

Moonrise in the night. Like a light in a dark time.

I’m going to say this: I love my children, but I’m sorry that I passed on the tendency to have severe depression, bipolar, learning disabilities, and narcissism on to them. I am truly grateful that they are not extending this line forward, even though the good parts (intelligence, artistic gifts, and the ability to write well) won’t move forward to future generations, either. That’s difficult to say but seeing how my family inflict pain on each other and how deeply it affects the two of us plagued by RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) I just don’t want it to continue.

I don’t blame any member of my mother’s family for behaving how they do and making the choices they make. A combination of inherited instability and “abuse” (for lack of a better word) can make people do weird things to try to bring peace into their lives. My sister has cut off the rest of her biological family from her life. I do understand how, from her perspective, it’s what she needs to do, but I can still wish she’d gotten the help she needed and enabled the family who love her, warts and all, to be a part of her life.

The view from my Rapunzel Tower at sunset

On the other hand, those of us who have had to try to find ways to deal with how members of my mom’s family treated us are probably better off ending that pattern. My insane drive to not be rejected or abandoned has led me to try way too hard to please people who can’t be pleased, and that’s not helpful to any of us. Anyway, the struggle is real, and I’m back on track to managing my own issues better again, and I wish everyone else well as they deal with their issues.

I’d actually gotten pretty darn good at not blaming myself for every single thing people close to me say, do, or seem to do in my messed-up brain. I just slipped, and as I was trying to express this morning when talking to a therapist friend, you can intellectually know there will be setbacks in mental health recovery, but your limbic system still gets all out of whack. Repeat after me: other people’s actions are their responsibility.

Dealing with all this while holed up in a tiny room like a short-haired Rapunzel in her tower is not ideal. But I can always find ways to cope. At least I can watch Amazon Prime without worrying Lee about using up all our bandwidth. So, I watched three nice movies yesterday and that helped a lot! I watched Air, 80 for Brady, and Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris. All movies with strong women who made me smile.

Plus, there’s always random people you meet, along with the sunrises, sunsets, birds, and bats. This Rapunzel really isn’t trapped in her tower at all.

Fuzzy in the Head

Every day it’s something new. Today I’ve been trying to attend and lead meetings, dealing with irritated people, and handling email/messages, but my head seems to have inserted a fuzzy barrier between the brain and the world. I’m just all fuzzy, buzzy, or I don’t know, maybe wuzzy.

Wooden, that’s it. My head feels wooden. And her is some real wood stained to resemble the luxury vinyl. The wood and stain will be on the stairs and doors at the Pope Residence. Nice.

Are any of you going through periods like that, where you know you have to do something, but you just draw a blank? Once I get going, I’m fine. I’ve managed to get my meetings done, respond to requests, and review some content today, but each time I switch to a new topic, I space out. It took me FOUR tries to get a meeting on my calendar where it was supposed to go! Geez!

I took a walk around the block and that helped for a while. I guess I just need to walk in circles in between activities!

Here’s my new boyfriend, a slim water heater. We will finally have hot water in an office!

At least there’s some good news. Kathleen determined it’s safe to see my sister again, so I got to see her today. I guess two weeks have passed since…something, I don’t know what. I do know she’s wearing her mask and not going out so much now, so maybe we all have made it past some quarantine milestone.

Honestly, I think it takes a lot of energy (psychic and physical) just to keep on doing what needs to be done, with the underlying fear, dread, worry, or anger (depending on your viewpoint) that the shelter in place guidelines bring out.

Perhaps I need more yoga. Image by *@lelia_milaya via Twenty20*.

Listening to the news can be more than I can take. This morning they were playing a montage of dire headlines about the stock market and unemployment, and I just pulled to the side of the road and looked at the sunshine on trees for a few minutes. When the guy on the news keeps chirping, “Yes, it’s bad; it’s the worst it’s ever been; it’s something to tell your grandchildren about,” your motivation to head into the office and listen to the CEO tell you how great your software company is doing (because OUR clients aren’t restaurants and oil/gas businesses!) becomes less. Hmm, maybe that’s just me.

Well, darn it, I think I ranted again. I got through a WHOLE day with no rants, though. Here, look at one of our copper ceiling tiles. That’s cheerful.

On my walk, I stopped by the Pope Residence and got to see a new ceiling tile sample.

How are YOU?