balance – The Hermits' Rest

A Little Success Lifts the Faltering Spirit

The past few months have been pretty heavy. There hasn’t been much to counterbalance the sad, scary, and stressful. I miss Goldie, I’m disappointed that Drew and I aren’t meshing well, I miss the routine of a job (after ONE day of “retirement”), and I worry that more bad things will happen to people I love. As I read today, we’re in the middle of “the troubles” we’ve been warned about for so long.

With that background, you can imagine I would be in the market for some potentially positive counterbalance! Sure, hanging out in nature helps. But I was pretty sure by this afternoon that I could use more.

Spotted Horse to the Rescue!

It had been a while since I’d had an Apache horsemanship lesson, thanks to Tarrin’s glamorous famous horse trainer adventures and my endless nature exploration. Today there was a lesson scheduled, which was good news.

Maybe good news for you, Suna. It means I have to work.

One of the many disappointments last week was that I had to cancel going to a friend’s arena to participate in the first horse show of the year, a “virtual show,” where you can be anywhere and just film yourself doing the show tests. The weather yesterday did NOT cooperate.

That meant more time for Apache to bury his head in burs and make his forelock look silly.

I figured that part of my show was not in the cards. But I heard that Tarrin had the show obstacles set up at her house, and asked if I could do the two parts of the show during my lesson. She said yes, so I groomed the heck out of Apache (who had decided it was a fun idea to roll his white body on fresh green grass) and packed up a shirt with a collar and a belt. Off we went to see how we could do in a more laid-back setting.

Heading off to the arena. He’s loaded down with equipment.

Lee came along, too, with the fancy camera. He was also drafted into filming. What a trooper.

This is my favorite of his pictures. I’m talking to Apache while holding an awkward object and he is giving side eye.

Imagine my surprise when Tarrin said we’d do all three parts of the show this afternoon. She had the dressage arena set up, too. Unfortunately, I’d barely studied the dressage test, thinking I wasn’t doing it. Oops.

Lee was filming during dressage, so enjoy this photo of one of the horses in training.

But guess what? It all went just fine. Even I could tell that Apache and I have both improved, though he was trotting like the RV going down a dirt road: bouncy. We did okay on dressage!

On the next part, I was very pleased with his stops and starts and his patience at the four obstacles involving picking up objects.

I was pleased with myself for managing to ride over a bridge, step him over a tractor tire, and do a slalom all while holding an awkward object. He even backed up appropriately and side passed over a poke! Major improvement there .

Sure, our gate opening leaves a lot to be desired, and he stopped during transitions on the barrel maneuver, but we can work on that! I was so proud of us.

Will we get a ribbon? I am not even worried about that. I’m just so pleased that we are improving that I don’t need to compare myself to anyone who’s on a different part of their journey with their horse. See, I learned another life lesson, one that makes shows much more fun.

Having a bit of hard-earned success with my horse is just what I needed to buoy my spirits. I’m feeling more hopeful that I’ll find ways to get by, keep up with horse lessons, and have positive counterbalances to the near-overwhelming doom and gloom.

Can I Be Lazy?

Do lazy days make you feel rested or unproductive?

Until my recent bout of Covid, I hadn’t had a lazy day in a long time. In recent years, I’ve just felt better if I was active. I just didn’t sit around a lot. when I was sick I genuinely had to just lay around. I hated it. But I did it.

It reminded me, though, that there is good in being still and not doing something for more than the daily meditation time. I’ve been trying to let myself have more time with no agenda and no “have to do” urges. I’m usually full of those.

Goldie says she just “has to” adorn the fake rug.

That’s the closest I get to lazy days. I am working to balance my daily agenda with more loose time hanging around with Lee or the horses. I think both man and beast enjoy me just being me. I do, too. And I think I feel rested!

Join us on this beach, Suna! (The pond is drying up.)

I think my productivity is better when I don’t stack activities on top of each other after all. I was getting pretty frenzied there for a while. I’m still getting in my steps and exercise, so I’m glad I’m feeling okay about not being so physically busy. It’s a more balanced approach.

Next: letting myself do nothing mentally when I’m not meditating. I’m always birding, knitting, reading, writing, editing, or something. Right now it’s helping me avoid intrusive thoughts about the near future. So I’ll keep my mind occupied until November.

PS: it finally cooled off! Today wasn’t hot!

Savor the Highlights

I admit it. I’m spending some time feeling sad about how my dogs are feeling. Goldie is limping more, and Harvey has gone downhill since he couldn’t get downstairs yesterday. He seems confused about why his legs aren’t acting correctly right now. We are, too.

We still don’t know if the lump on his leg, a back injury, a stroke, or his liver issues that are causing his problems, but we are medicating him as hard as we can.

Goldie’s lump is bothering her more, so her meds haven’t done much. Tomorrow we are taking her to a facility in College Station to get X-rays and scans to see what they find. I hope that will help us figure out how to proceed. I’m thankful Tarrin is advising us, since she knows many veterinarians, and is dealing with her own dog challenges.

It was darn good to have some positive work things to balance this out with. I solved a thorny problem in a project that made me feel smart. Then a package arrived that contained my gift from my employer for being a good contractor last quarter. They wrapped it all fancy and festively, and I appreciated it. Being acknowledged for hard work is rare in contract work, so I’m not all cynical like I might be if it was more common. This was a real highlight.

Other than that, I just did my best to enjoy my animal buddies and breathe. They always make my daily highlight reel.

Morning horses and Fiona. Apache is filthy from rolling in mud.

You can’t help but smile when you have hummingbirds and calves to look at and every flycatcher in the area to listen to. Hooray for fewer flies!

Having a balance in life can help you get through challenges. I know so many of you readers are also facing challenges. This time of year seems to bring illnesses, loss of loved ones (humans and animals), and financial woes. Noticing beauty, kindness, and generosity can go a long way toward negotiating change and challenge and bring highlights to a low time.

Vlassic took a nice dip in the pool this afternoon.

Innate Direction

What gives you direction in life?

After the hiccups this week, I’m ready for a shift in direction, but I don’t really need one. Little challenges help keep me focused on the big picture, not the tiny dots that make up the totality.

It’s like the temperature blanket, which I need to look at like this every so often, to see the winter flowing into spring. Mostly I look at individual squares.

Today’s challenge was getting stung by a scorpion, even though I’d checked my boots before putting them inn(from now on they don’t stay outside, even if they got all muddy in the stuck-in-the-water challenge earlier in the week). And hey, the intense pain makes me forget the hurt of my big-ass hoof-shaped bruise from Tuesday’s challenge! And I feel the itching from the chigger bites I got in the woods yesterday celebrating May.

It rained a lot, and we kept seeing crawfish crossing the driveway. I almost stepped on the one trying to disguise itself as a leaf. I avoided a crawfish pinch!

It’s all pretty funny at this point, and it reminds me that my direction is shaped by my innate desire to learn how things work. Mostly I want to observe life around me and determine patterns. Today I carefully noted all the different vireos and warblers that have appeared in the last few days. There was even a rose-breasted grosbeak, not common here. I’m curious as to how long they’ll visit during migration.

Yes, this is my best warbler photo. No idea which one it is.

Where I hope I’m headed is to even more internal peace and calm. Watching the seasons repeat yearly with variations but an overall consistency grounds me more and more. I think I’ll need that in the coming months.

I’m driven to try to understand people, as well. Like many of us, some of the things groups of people are saying and doing confuse me, but I’m doing better at seeing how much of it stems from humans needing to belong. Tribalism is not pretty when one feels threatened. I like it much better when it’s about football teams.

Did someone say threat? I better get hopping!

I’m wandering, so blame the Benadryl I took. But I want to recommend a television show we’ve been watching that has been very good for my soul. It’s A Brief History of the Future, which is streaming on PBS. The show looks into where humanity is headed in positive as well as negative ways. I’ve learned a lot about ideas that can heal the planet and make life better for all people. It celebrates differences and commonalities. Worth watching!

Like floods, it all passes. The green in the pond is the usual shore, and the shiny area in back is water pouring in.

I hope you’re enjoying the direction in which you’re headed. I love the daily surprises, both fun and painful. My hope is that they balance out so there’s never a dull moment unless we want one.

My Thundering Herd

Today’s electrical work got delayed, but not to worry, the next priority awaited. That was moving the fencing for the horses so they could eat some of the grass that hadn’t been touched yet. It’s still dry, but at least it’s long.

It was such a hot, hot day for the guys to work in the sun, but they set out poles and moved an electric fence out to the driveway. They also put one up in the back so we can rotate. The original idea was that we’d keep Apache and Fiona there, but I’m told Apache violently vetoed that idea and got all worked up.

Do NOT separate me from my friends. (Mabel just wants grass)

It took a while for the horses to figure out the fence moved, but the agitation got them moving. I didn’t see the beginning but I did get to enjoy watching them running around like a feral herd. The video features a lot of Apache snorting, too. Like he’s the stallion king.

I think Fiona styled herself the lead mare. Drew was the fast little youth. That horse can GO. I watched him come from behind and pass all the others.

I just enjoyed their beautiful selves and got a laugh out of their curiosity about the pond and the area around it. We had worried they’d sink into the pond, but they didn’t. I hope they stay safe while seeking out delicious treats. I also hope it doesn’t mess up Apache. But really, it’s all dry.

The horses ate dinner just fine and are now grazing calmly. The world changed on them, but they are okay. Here are some of my pictures of their fun.

There was even a bonus! Tarrin was able to analyze Apache’s form when he was running. In one picture he was in a tizzy and out of alignment, and in the other, he looked all lifted and balanced. That one is our goal under saddle.

And in Pest News

The trend of poisonous creatures visiting daily has not ended. Today I heard a rustling noise. I looked down and there was a scorpion. I wish the black cloud delivering plagues would move along!

Balancing Your Dreams with Their Dreams

Yow, there are a lot of ways today’s post can go, because I’ve been busy trying to come up with ways to be safe, treat others well, meet my own needs, and meet the needs of others. That’s a lot, combined with concerns about work and world events. But, most of us are in the same situation, I have a feeling.

Two recent influences in my life have combined to remind me to not forget what I want out of life. My reading on the Enneagram, while confusing in some ways, has brought a lot of clarity in others. (While you are only supposed to be ONE type in that system, I keep seeing parts of three in the more shadowy aspects of me, which could explain why I’m internally confused.) In the past few weeks, I’ve needed to make important decisions, and I keep running into the Type 9 proclivity to place the highest priority over creating a peaceful environment, which causes me to not advocate for my own perspective as hard as I could.

I hope this meme I made helps me realize I’m fine like I am. Even with my unhelpful aspects.

And, when someone close to me asked me what my fondest dreams for the future were, nothing came up. What the heck? I was taken aback. I realized that I basically wanted to support my spouse’s dreams, and hope some things I enjoy would come along as part of that.

Well, yuck! So, I began to wonder if this was a pattern (it was – ask my why I am in Texas, why I am where I am now, etc.). Now, I’ve had a good life, and am not whining about this state of affairs. I just genuinely got curious as to what the heck my own dreams were or are?

I realized that I have met two of my life goals. One is that I always wanted a house in the trees in a place I felt like I belonged, like when I was a child. My Austin house meets that need, so no wonder I fought to long and hard for it and want to keep it in all its total impracticality (especially right now).

It’s the Austin house (Bobcat Lair) showing lovely dark rain clouds. A house in the trees where I feel safe.

The other, as I have mentioned before, is that I always wanted to share my life with horses. I was drawn to them as soon as I met one as a child. Now that I have Apache and Fiona in my life, I won’t desert them, even if Apache has foot problems and Fiona doesn’t do any work (such animals are not popular on ranches, I have learned).

Hooray for the equines. And the chicken (on water bucket).

So, see, I HAVE managed to keep my dreams going while still supporting Lee’s (just one example, not picking on him – he’s a good guy with good dreams).

Apache Newsbreak

Trixie was here yesterday to check on Apache after his recent setback, and to do some other work on our little herd. His feet look remarkably good for a horse dealing with his challenges. There was just one little area of redness, which could have been a stone bruise.

The outside of his feet look good. The inside did, too, but I didn’t want to get that close, due to ye olde virus precautions.

I reckon he might have hurt himself a bit on rocks when he was pitching all those fits and not wanting to go anywhere. He also seemed to be favoring one of his shoulders, which could have happened when he was bouncing around on uneven ground. Now I wonder if his feet were already hurting then? Hindsight…

I always liked his stripey feet, even if light feet are more trouble. OOPS. I had to crop his happy “member” out of the picture. It’s a GP-rated blog.

Anyway, she’ll be back in another 4 weeks to see how things are going. Fiona also got a trim. She grows very long toe areas. All fixed now.

I always really enjoy these long times with my equine friends, and they seem to, as well. A great deal of mutual admiration is expressed.

Back to Balancing

I don’t think I want to change who I am and put my needs ahead of others or cause more of a ruckus than I already do. I am who I am. But, I think working to balance my own needs and goals with those of my family and others in my circle is a reasonable and attainable goal. Sticking up for myself and saying no to things that make me feel unsafe or anxious doesn’t mean I don’t care. I expect others to take care of themselves and THEN take care of others (like with airplane oxygen masks…remember planes?). I can do that for myself and it will be just fine.

Well, apparently today’s blog post was supposed to be a pep talk to me about myself. What a surprise (not a surprise at all.) But, I know I’m not alone in wanting a balance between my own needs and the needs of people I love. I’m not alone in getting so involved in someone else’s dreams that I lose my own.

I’m not all lost, I have my center and my spotted emotional support buddy.

All we can do is keep moving forward. I’ll find a way to meet my own needs while still supporting my inner circle. Both are important.

Is this balance easy for you, or hard for you? I think it really depends on our inner wiring, but who knows?