Ramblings – Page 28 – The Hermits' Rest

Not Gonna Go There (in two ways)

What place in the world do you never want to visit? Why?

First, let’s answer today’s prompt from our friends at Day One. Now, there are a few places I’m not very interested in going, at least as they are now. I’m interested in the land and the everyday folks everywhere, though, and would be happy seeing how they live and interact.

I’ll just share butterflies rather than pictures of misogynistic places.

But, there’s politics and religion. And, as a female human, there are places I feel way less safe than I do in the place where I live now (which ain’t all that great for us womenfolk). So yeah, as much as I feel that everyone’s culture is worthwhile and not something I’d want to quash, I am not interested in going to places like Saudi Arabia, where even the mega-rich women who have all the “things” they want have no autonomy. That would not be good for me at all.

I always wondered if I’d be fine in whatever culture I was born into, thinking that’s the way things should be. But I know that visiting a place where I have no rights, even as a foreigner, is not for me.

All right, so the other place I’m just not going to go to today is my stressfully stressed-out week. While I did get some of the issues solved, no one showed up to replace my router, so I still have to deal with that, but I’ve just followed Kathleen’s advice and put it in my f*** it bucket. I made a conscious effort to find some good stuff, and with the help of friends, by gosh, I did it!]

The potential is always there for beauty and goodness.

I soaked in the kindness of my coworkers in meetings today (eating up all my phone’s bandwidth), and just basked in the friendly conversations at lunch. Thank goodness for friends!

Then, this afternoon I got a message from Sara showing me what she saw right on the road in front of our ranch!

That’s a first for me here at the Hermit’s Rest, and a truly encouraging sight. Knowing we have turkeys here rounds out some of the missing pieces of native animals that I was hoping could be here. I’m guessing it got disturbed on the other side of the road in the woods by the creek, because hay was being harvested. Sara really lucked out!

The only birds I enjoyed up close and personal today were my chickens. I’m so happy that Not Dead Betty is laying again and has filled out all her feathers. She’s back to normal!

The rest of my mature group of ladies is doing just fine, thanks, regardless of whether the giant rat snake is there or not. I got six eggs today, so I have no complaints! Plus, I do adore giving them their delicious greens and watching them dive in. What pleasure they bring.

It’s such a pretty time of year. There’s always something to watch. I’m back to being balanced now. That’s a relief. All that anxiety and annoying symptoms is no fun.

Sometimes It’s So Weird You Have to Laugh

Admittedly, I am not laughing right now, but I’m sure I’ll be able to at some point. I woke up this morning with the positive attitude that all would be well. I had a technician scheduled to come work on my router, I’d be able to finish my work project, and things would be just fine.

In the long run, of course, everything WILL be just fine. It’s just going to take a lot longer to get there than I would have imagined. It’s funny, I guess, with some perspective. Here I go with my tale of weirdness.

Other good news is that I did finish another row in the temperature blanket. It looks like a Klimt

I got numerous texts today about the technician arriving, but I never saw him. Finally I got a call from the technician guy (who is really nice) asking me if he was at the right address. Hmm.

It turns out he was at the Red House. I had signed into THAT account on AT&T but it didn’t have the address anywhere, so I had no idea. And of course, he couldn’t come to the ranch, since he was assigned to go to the Red House…

…and it turns out I needed him to be there, since the phone or cable or whatever line it was had been obliterated in the ice storm. Why didn’t I know? Because the router there had never been set up. Why? Because there was no phone outlet. So, I needed to get that all taken care of anyway.

As I tried to work and failed miserably, the technician called back. He needed to get in the house, since whoever had built the back porch had covered up the phone wire access point.

So, I zipped with much haste over to the Red House. Hooray, I thought to myself, I brought the correct key! He could get in! And he did. Brr, it was chilly in there. And hey, it was also dark.

It was chilly and dark because there was no dang power. What the heck? The house had power last week, so that wasn’t caused by the ice storm! People had stayed there and Anita had cleaned up after them. But, no power today. Great. I called Lee and asked him to look into it, but he was quite busy paying our scary tax bill. He says the bill is paid!

And the pool house and hen house are still here.

So, we went on in to figure out where to put the modem. We found the right spot in the dining area and drills started drilling away. The technician asked me to bring him the modem. Um, the modem…it isn’t there? GREAT, another bump in the road!

So, I called Anita, since I’d asked her to plug it in for our first guests, but she’d not been able to find a phone outlet. That’s because they’d all been removed in the renovation. We didn’t think we’d need it…

I asked Anita where the modem was. She had taken it home! Oh. Well, I needed it. Luckily she had a little time and was able to run over with the box, and they could at least get everything set up. I’m going to be super optimistic and assume it will work when the power is turned on.

Meanwhile, I still needed to get my original issue addressed, didn’t I? I spent another hour or so talking to AT&T customer support, once I shouted enough at the automated system that they gave me a person. The system kept insisting I didn’t know my special secret PIN, but I did! The human being I got was really helpful, and had to be patient with the fact that he was talking to me, Lee, and Anita as we tried to first figure out what account the ranch is on, and what the equipment was.

Eventually, it was officially decided that the router didn’t work, but the rest of the equipment was okay. They almost made me an appointment to come tomorrow to fix things…when the customer supporter said oh, first they needed to be sure that the towers were working. ACK!

No one has called. Dang. I leave to go camping Thursday. We sorta need a router. I think I’m using a lot of my phone’s allotment of data trying to work via the phone hotspot.

Sure, it’s not all bad. Anita and I were able to put up the dining room curtains, which I neglected to photograph, and we did a few touch ups. We discovered the shower curtain doesn’t actually stay up, so we will need to get that fixed before the next paying guests show up. At least it shouldn’t be too hard.

One more good thing! The RV office area is now complete and lovely. The keyboard stand is custom and blends nicely with the decor.

I’m just going to stop here. I’m sort of shaking just writing it all down. I’ve just been laying low and not doing anything that might cause me to fall, break something, or piss anyone off. I’m not getting in the hot tub, so I won’t have a water accident, and I’m certainly not going into the woods where there are snakes. Did I ride horses? No way. I carefully exercised them. If I’m just patient, maybe the time will pass safely.

Deep breaths, Suna. We all have our periods of challenges, and sometimes they just keep building on each other until it’s sort of funny.

Ha ha, time for a glass of wine.

Circle of Life Turns with a Boom

Life is hard on the animals around Walker’s Creek these days. And life is hard on humans everywhere these days. After dealing with the animals and watching the Parade of Dead People (the national television news) this evening, I lapsed into an anxiety attack. I have just about had enough of death and sadness.

Those of you who are my Facebook friends know that early this morning there was a very big boom, which scared Penney half to death. The power proceeded to go out, but I tried to keep working until my phone hotspot gave up the ghost. We discovered my son’s power was also out, and Mandi’s, but not Sara’s. So it was local.

It wasn’t too long until it came back on. Then, one of the nice people from the electric co-op came over to check on us. He said a squirrel caused the issue, across the road. I didn’t think much of it, because well, squirrels are always doing that form of suicide by transformer.

I spent much of the rest of the afternoon trying to resurrect my router, which was also killed by the squirrel. It is SO frustrating trying to get online customer service…but I did it and got a repair scheduled. Go Suna!

Once again, I went outside to breathe. The woods is my friend, long as I’m careful.

I was already a bit nerved out by all this, when I went out to get some fresh air and eggs. That’s when I noticed the vultures had found Neighbor Coyote. I’m not sure if I’m thrilled that it is lying in state where I can see it.

I went into the chicken house only to find the rat snake lounging across the chicken nests. Oddly enough, though, I got five eggs today (including one from Not Dead Betty!), so that can’t be what’s keeping the snake so thick and shiny…I think it’s eating the mice. If that’s the case, we’re still buddies. That is the biggest rat snake I ever saw, though. I could really see how thick it was today (no phone for evidence).

The circle of life is still chugging along for the rat snake, and it is with the horses, too, even though Apache and Mabel weren’t really interested in the farrier visit today. Eventually Apache came in with me, but I had to take a bucket of food out and rattle it to rouse Mabel. Of course, she was the one who needed to be trimmed the most. Her hooves are cracking and it’s hard to trim them, because they aren’t growing too much. On the other hand, Apache’s heels are growing like crazy from the grass, even though I’m rationing him. That’s stressing me out, too.

The thing that got me in the big downward spiral was finding out that it wasn’t just any squirrel that killed the power; it was the neighbors’ pet squirrel, Sandy. They’d been feeding and taming her for three years! These folks really love their animals, too. That sounds almost as bad as when I lost Stella and Brody and could do nothing to help them.

I have a sinking feeling this squirrel that visited last week was Sandy. Sniff.

So, Sandy and her friends across the road are also in my thoughts.

I do wish I hadn’t come home from buying horse food to try to relax, only to have Lee watching the news. Young man killed by cops. Multiple people killed by some messed up person. That’s in the US. Then war and more war and starvation. I try so hard to have a good perspective on the balance of good and bad in the world, but it’s just one of those periods where my balance is off.

It doesn’t help that I keep falling down. I’m either having a clumsy period or still getting used to my new glasses prescription. Nonetheless, it’s annoying. No, I don’t think I’m sick, have MS, or have Parkinson’s. I did JUST have a checkup!

The week can now go uphill. It has my permission.

The Circle of Life – Not Fun

Warning: If the circle of life doesn’t go over well with you, skip this one.

I’m sort of sensitive, as you may have figured out, and while I have a realistic view of life and death, I’m still vulnerable to caring about the life around me.

So, last Thursday, when I went to get in my car to go to my Master Naturalist meeting, I heard strange noises in the garage. I wondered what the heck my little dachshund mix, Vlassic, could be doing back in the tool area. I called out to him, and heard “grr” in response.

I carefully approached the work area, where some things had been pushed close together to make it easier for my brother-in-law to get around with his walker. Lo and behold, something was wedged in the space between the work bench and the shed. It was not Vlassic.

It was big and gray. Was it a hog? A cattle dog? A coyote? Yes, it was a coyote. A very sad and scared coyote. I obviously could not help it. It was in pain and could hurt me. So, I ran in and told Lee. He said to go to my meeting and he’d help it get out.

He did that, and saw that it was badly injured, but no one could catch it (a wild animal) to take it anywhere for rehab. We were pretty sad about the poor thing. I admit that I cried.

The guys saw it go into the pond a couple of times, then run off after Alfred OPENED THE GATE and confronted it. Yes, Alfred can open the gate, he just chooses not to. What a great guard dog.

So, all weekend we’ve been wondering about the coyote. This morning I saw about twenty turkey vultures gathered in the pasture by the road next to the house. Was it the coyote?

No, it was a young possum that had gotten hit by a car. I probably over-reacted, but I was sad, because I am pretty sure I saw it combing home Thursday night, snacking away on the side of the road. I’m fond of possums.

Sent good thoughts to this guy, too. One of the weird things I do it say a little “prayer” or affirmation every time I see an animal that was hit by a car. They deserve good thoughts.

Then, this afternoon, I got one of those weird feelings like I should go out behind the house and check for things. I found a beautiful milkweed plant. I kept walking, because I saw a weird “root” in the pond. I’d never seen it before, and I pretty much know what trees are in there, even after the winter storms.

Sigh, it was the coyote. What drove it into the pond? I don’t know. But it turns out it must have been run over by a car. The poor dear must have been trying to end its pain.

The pond brings peace in many ways, even to animals in pain.

Lee and I are both relieved that our coyote neighbor is out of its pain, because we sure felt bad that were were unable to help it or put it out of its pain. Circle of Life. Ugh.

Life’s a mystery, full of joy and sadness.

Living our in the country exposes you to to the beauty and the struggles in nature. All you can do is observe and do your best. I gave our coyote neighbor a flower and said what passes for a prayer for it.

I’m glad I found it, because it could have messed up the pond by decaying in there. Now it is out (I didn’t do it) and it can feed other beings and the circle life will continue.

It’s actually been an okay weekend, other than pondering life and death. I just had to write this out, because I need to stop processing and get some closure. Sharing the story helps the coyote live on in my memory and the memory of others. That makes it immortal!

A Positive Change

Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

Since today has been pretty rough, I think I’ll just answer the daily blogging prompt. It is the perfect time to remind myself of the positive changes I’ve made in the past couple of years. The prompt asked for one, but I’ll share a couple. I’m quite proud of how much “personal growth” I’ve engaged in. It’s certainly making my “twilight years” more pleasant.

I made a new friend today, a hackberry emperor butterfly who sat on my arm for a long time. I enjoyed watching its proboscis.

The first positive change I’ve made is the most important. I figured out how to end the constant stream of negative self talk that had accompanied me my entire life. Looking back, I can see that I was always anxious and always felt like I could not please anyone, especially myself.

I’m not “cured” (everyone has down moments or days), but I’m so much better. I face each day in happy anticipation of enjoying beauty, learning new things, and contributing to the good in the world. I’m a better person for that!

I’m grateful to the support of my long-time therapist, my friends, and supportive family members as I stumbled through this process.

I found this particular beautiful thing in a parking lot.

The second thing I’ve done that has positively influenced my life is taking risks. Now, I’m not talking about skydiving or truly risky behaviors, but I’ve tried many new things and lived. Many of the things I’ve done with the horses are things I’d have hesitated to try earlier in my life. Good thing I listen to my encouraging trainer.

And of course, I always have a supportive donkey at my side. She’s usually just that close when I’m in the pasture.

The third thing is a work in progress. I’m way better about it, but I still slip into old patterns here. I am working to stop caring so much about what other people think of me and trying to get people to like me. This has been a long, hard road, but wow am I better now!

It all came to a head when I broke down and started crying and asked my neighbor to like me, because I wanted to remain his friend. He looked at me like I had three heads. Upon reflection I concluded that my life won’t be much different at all without him in my life and that caring about what he says about me would only make my life less serene. I’m just fine now and can just smile and be pleasant without worrying about whether I’m offending or providing gossip fodder.

I am not worried about what the cattle and cattle egrets think about the humans on the other side of the fence.

That’s because I’ve just about given up on caring what people think about me or say about me. I know who I am, and it’s not my job to explain myself to people who don’t care to take the time to get to know me or my perspective. I’m going to try to be kind and open to others’ perspectives, but not spend my time trying to present my ideas unless requested.

Goldie has the right idea: just enjoy the moment.

That’s so freeing! I have so many more opportunities to find peace and joy now that I let myself be whoever I am and like that person.

Such hard work. And still lots more to work on. But positive change is worth it.

Celebration of Floral Diversity

Long day that at least brought good rain without an accompanying tornado warning, that’s what it was. I did get out in the dampness to look for new flowers. Two I saw yesterday when I didn’t have the phone with me were hiding thanks to the rain, but I was pleased to spot our patch of interesting paintbrush flowers.

These usually red flowers do sometimes show some variety. My friend nearby has some yellow ones, too. I think they look wonderful in yellow, though, even if it makes them less interesting to hummingbirds. The apricot one is pretty spectacular, too.

I’d have had some beautiful wine cups to share, but yesterday the tenants turned the field behind the house into little while marshmallows of haylage. My hope is that they come right back.

Former wildflowers. And oats or something that they harvested.

Oh well. I have a few spots with grass making blossoms. Here’s some pretty peppergrass and little quaking grass.

You know, if you don’t mow until the flowers go to seed, you get a lovely show every year. Here are the two sides of my road. I like my side.

I guess we each get to do what we want to on the land we’re in charge of. We have some freedoms still! Speaking of which, now that the fish are gone, Mabel is free to swish her nose in the water all she wants.

Well, good, cause I’m thirsty. (Her ears are back because Apache is coming up behind her to make her move.)

And the sickly hen seems a bit better! You never know.

What’s Popping Up on This Beautiful Spring Day?

Today is so beautiful I just had to go out and enjoy it. Just gazing across the fields and watching butterflies flitting among the flowers lowered my blood pressure. The Hermits’ Rest is beautiful this time of year.

I’m still carefully taking photos of each new plant that starts blooming. Each new one makes me smile, no matter how familiar they are. I love watching the year progress. Here are some new arrivals.

The day was so nice I decided to groom whatever horse showed up. Dusty won the prize and got a nice de-shedding. He’s almost finished shedding and is looking shiny. Even his poor little mane is growing in, and his Drew bites are healing. They still play a LOT.

After he was all pretty, we went for a nice walk/graze. He had fun and got some big clumps of grass taken care of. I exercised him by having him walk over poles. He then helped out by cleaning up around them.

Things have really improved since last week! The magnesium supplements seem to have helped the riding horses settle down, too. Drew especially seems more focused.

I wish I felt better. The toes are not getting better, so riding hurts. I can’t even wear my excellent new shiny flip flops. I’m glad my Skechers flip flops don’t make them hurt much.

Lucky for me my nails are good. I can make them as gaudy as I want to. I put a “jelly” layer over cute little flowers. Then I stuck shiny stuff on there. Hey, everyone needs a hobby.

I’m weird

What is one word that describes you?

This question made me smile. I’ve felt weird my whole life. I made up a club called the Weird Happys (sic.) in middle school and invited all my interesting, smart, non-traditional friends to join.

I’m a weird donkey who escaped after dinner.

I’ve always been weird, non-standard and rather off center. That’s never been a problem except when I wanted someone I found fascinating and atypical to be my friend, but it turned out I wasn’t their kind of weird. Trying to fit in NEVER has worked. I eventually wear out my welcome and am shown the door. Like:

My previous job
My church (was informed I no longer fit their demographic because I liked small, community oriented congregations)
The animal welfare group I helped found (those of you who know, know why)
La Leche League (turns out I’m not a good cult candidate)
The yarn shop friends where I used to teach knitting and crochet (some individuals are still friendly, though)
My book group (they ghosted me!)
My marriage to my kids’ dad
Etc.

I felt bad about these things at the time, but now I realize I don’t need to put my weirdness where it bothers others. I have choices, and it’s better to be true to myself than to try to fit in.

These guys just deal with my weirdness because they have no choice. Awww.

Anyway, my word is weird, and I’m happy now. I’ll enjoy the communities I have now while I can, and move on gracefully when it becomes apparent that I’m not a good fit.

I’ll be as graceful as blue-eyed grass, which appeared this week.

But hey, I still feel accepted by most people in my Master Naturalist group (I don’t expect them to all love me, just to work together). And I’m doing okay in the little horse community I’ve found myself in, thanks to us all loving horses! That’s plenty of folks to be weird around.

I am glad folks accept that I get frustrated when I can’t ID a plant.

Plus, my hobbies and family keep me happy and centered. I can be a Weird Happy!

Working through Horse Challenges (and others) Pays Off

It’s been a challenging few days. Have you ever been through a period where even the simplest things turn complicated? It’s felt like that lately. I mean, I just wanted to wash my car yesterday and every one I went to was closed. No wonder I don’t like going to Austin anymore. And the dentist said I need two crowns. All that flossing didn’t prevent that.

But I got to see my former coworker for lunch, and that was positive.

Austin never fails to charm, though. The maintenance people at the hotel where I stayed mowed around the wildflowers.

Plus, I got through row 4 of my temperature blanket yesterday. The black and green square is where February starts. That was the ice storm, too.

The horses have been challenging, other than being so good getting their feet done. I was really looking forward to getting a lesson today, at long last. They were, at least, good getting ready to go, but that challenging life thing struck again and we couldn’t get into the road to Tarrin’s because a huge, stopped train blocked us. Sigh. But we went the other way!

We were between a rock and a hard place. (Actually this is another thing I miss about Austin, the limestone karst)

For Apache’s lesson, Tarrin tried to get him frustrated, so we did new stuff. To our surprise, he was all calm and learned to trot over small jumps. On the last one I did everything right and he JUMPED! And it was FUN! Hooray! Our hard work paid off!

We then proceeded to see if he’d leg yield at a trot. Did he get annoyed? No. He DID IT. It wasn’t perfect, but he did it! I wish I could say he never showed his Old Patchy behavior, because he did fall apart as we went to the trailer. I handled it, though, keeping as calm as I could. I’ve learned a lot!

You didn’t bother to take my picture. Hmph.

Drew, on the other hand, didn’t need a lot of prompting to misbehave. Or be a teen. He and I did ok doing some serpentine moves, but he decided I was easy to manipulate and melted down. I “got to” work through it and did a lot of leg yielding with him. No fun but we got through it with a lot of help from Tarrin and ended up able to weave through poles and go over obstacles. I was proud that I stayed calm.

When I was done, Tarrin ride him and he continued to indicate his displeasure. I learn a lot when I watch her handle rowdy horses. And Droodles did look pretty acting pissy.

Drew kept neighing his head off, which is quite unlike him. Tarrin said she’d never seen him act that way, either. Her theory is that it’s the extra sweet spring grass. It’s not making either horse lame, but they’re not quite themselves. Other horses are acting similarly right now, which made me feel better. It’s not ALL a lack of skill on my part!

Diagnosis: magnesium. I got some to feed tonight, and I’ll order more tomorrow. Let’s hope that helps. I don’t want summer too soon!

What’s Your Favorite Movie to Re-watch?

What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?

Oh geez I’m answering another prompt. But when I read this question, this film studies minor had quick answers. I’ll do television in another post.

I’ll just make a list of the top ten-ish very few films I have watched multiple times. Why few? I am not sure. I just prefer to watch them once and move on. Exceptions to follow.

The light was weird this late afternoon, due to a tornado watch. This is a lark sparrow.

Mary Poppins: this was my first movie. And my first album. It still charms me. Julie Andrews had such a nice vocal range.
A Clockwork Orange: the only violent film I can stand to re-watch. So artistic. So Malcolm McDowell as a youth. Mmm. So Stanley Kubrick.
Young Frankenstein: I will watch this any time I’m offered. And I’ll laugh my ass off. So much to love.
Most other Mel Brooks movies. I share his sense of humor. I grew up around a lot of Jews, so I love all the Yiddish.
Zoolander: another one that never ceases to crack me up. Also my horse has a lot in common with Zoolander. Only can turn in one direction.
Best of Show: dog humor. Improv. All my favorite actors in one movie.
Star Wars — all of them, even the dumb ones. I love Luke.
American Gigolo: naked Richard Gere. Need I say more? Also the soundtrack thumpa-thumping its disco way through a very enigmatic plot. I have no idea what was going on.
Casablanca: because it makes me think of Anita and the good parts of high school.
Rashomon: because it reminds me of the good parts of college. And because I can always use a reminder that reality is relative. Plus. Hilarious Japanese samurai talk.