daily life – Page 83 – The Hermits' Rest

Testing Our Resilience

Last night I read a good article in the current Psychology Today about resilience (this link is to their article defining resilience). Since the current issue doesn’t appear in the archives (lucky me, for being a subscriber), I can’t link you to it, but I will as soon as it’s available. But I can summarize my thoughts after reading the article.

Humans always struggle. Suffering is part of life. But, it’s not ALL of life.

What sticks with me most, and what I find really helpful in today’s world of challenges, is that the author repeatedly points out that resilience is the default state for humans. That’s how we managed to keep on going through our evolution, as new challenges keep cropping up. No matter what, a large proportion of people will make it through hard times and learn from it with out too much permanent damage.

Sure, some folks are negatively affected more than others, and as is the case with most psychological trends, both your inner makeup and your life situation help determine how well you will cope. And people can learn to be more resilient, which eased my mind – I’m pretty sure I’ve done that. One thing the article points out, and that I’ve used to help me become more resilient, is to accept and cherish the fact that suffering and joy are both a part of life. No one gets a life of total ease (and it would be boring).

Encouraged by reading the article (which is quite long and fascinating, and included interesting case studies – you might want to go buy a copy), my plan is to use my experiences during 2020 to hone my ability to rise from stressors and challenges and keep on going forward. I guess my campaign to keep having fun is a part of it. If I can find ways to support and nurture my mental and physical well being, I will be able to help others, as well.

I think I’m psyching myself up to find the good in what will be a very stressful upcoming work week complete with extra worries about coronavirus upticks, concerns for my black and brown fellow citizens, and fighting the urge to move to another country (as if there are many countries that will take Americans).

You do! My shirt doesn’t say that everyone else doesn’t matter, just that things are broken and it’s time to fix them. Ooh, political content.

Still, I want to make sure to be there for friends and family who aren’t feeling very resilient right now. Some of us just aren’t, especially people who feel the pain of others very strongly, those who don’t cope well in isolation, and those who are struck with known and unknown fears. Empathy is something we’re all going to have to work on, and work on hard, if we are all going to find ourselves in a better place, eventually.

What Else Tests Our Resilience? Assholes.

Imagine my delight while looking for the article I read, when I found instead a fun article on exactly what constitutes an asshole. Turns out there are three different types, who knew? They are the dominant asshole, the callous asshole, and the quiet asshole. Since my spouse self identifies as an asshole, I’ll have to check and see which type he thinks he is.

Why isn’t there a lovable asshole category? I think they need it. If you have some resilience, they can be worth the struggle.

Feedback welcome, as always!

What I’m NOT Doing between Now and November

Lately, a lot of my friends and other contacts have been publicly inviting people who disagree with their choice of candidates, platforms, or political parties to “unfriend me now!” I can empathize with what prompts such declarations. You get tired of being called ignorant, or sheep, or whatever, by people you thought cared for you, and who you care(d) about. Or you get tired of those one or two people who sniff out any tiny whiff of partisanship on your part and then blast your friends with the tenacity of a dog with a bone.

Let me tell you ONE more time why I think you’re wrong…gnaw gnaw. Image by *@9_fingers_ via Twenty20*

Now, I have some pretty strong beliefs on political, social, and religious grounds, and I am not ashamed of them, so I’m not going to succumb to fear and never be who I am in social media. If they come and round me up later for expressing my beliefs, well, I will have led a good and consistent life, and I’ll deal with the consequences.

I don’t think it’s helping one bit to egg people on and act like the stereotype you’re trying to deny you’re a part of, though. So, here’s what I plan to do between now and the beginning of November, which is a big election time in the US (some of you may not know; the US isn’t the most important place for everyone on earth, I’m told).

I’m also going to spend a lot more time looking at nature, like this extra cool Apache jumping spider.

I’m not going to remove from my social media accounts all my friends, coworkers, business contacts, and family members who express their affiliation with a different candidate than the one I favor. Believe it or not, I find that I do have other things in common with them, or like them for other reasons. It’s possible if your mindset isn’t that, “Every Party X member is a doofus.” (I will point out that yes, some Party X members are doofuses; some party Y and Z members are ALSO doofuses.)

Right? Image by *@desteniev via Twenty20*.

I will “snooze” some folks on Facebook if something they say upsets me, but I won’t un-follow, unfriend, or whatever, unless someone comes across as genuinely dangerous or unhinged. So, yeah, if you threaten to kill me or people I love, I might put some distance between us. That’s just common sense.

I’m not going to waste my breath and time trying to “educate” or chastise people who say things I disagree with or find mildly offensive in response to comments on other people’s Facebook posts, tweets, or Instagrams. I have learned that’s how you (along wity people like yourself) earn bad reputations with other groups. I see it enough in comments on my own posts, and know how damned hard it can be not to respond (I do fail at times). Just go vote, folks, and realize most others have already made up their minds.

A good plan. Image by *@MargJohnsonVA via Twenty20*

If I share memes, I’m going to try to make it the constructive and encouraging kind, not the kind that puts down others. I have friends who share some real doozies that I enjoy, because I’m human, but every time I’ve even slightly hinted that some other bunch of folks might not have the right idea about something, I end up feeling bad about doing it. I guess I’m pretty firm that passive-aggressive memes serve more to make the person sharing them look bad than to shame the intended audience.

Slightly off topic, but hey, it’s my blog:

Honestly, I don’t need any help to know I’ve been a bad friend or done some things I shouldn’t have that won’t be forgiven or forgotten. I’m trying to forgive my own dang self and learn from the mistakes, so rubbing my nose in it just makes me resentful, not a better person. I wonder if all the nameless people so many accusatory memes are aimed at feel that way, too, if they see themselves in the words, of course. Targeted memes (personal or political) probably mostly miss the intended audience.

Also off topic: I did finally get a photo of the green heron!

Back on track

Anyway, another thing I’m going to do in social media and in person between now and November is be friendly to everybody I run across. I can find something neutral or positive to talk to just about anyone about, and that is what helps us all remember there’s good in everyone. Engaging with the people around me is one concrete thing I can do to help heal the divisiveness and partisan negativity we seem so mired in these days.

We’re all just chickens, say Springsteen and Patty.

I know I’m not alone in seeing people as fellow humans first, and labels second. It’s easy to disparage a faceless group, but one on one, it’s a lot harder. I am glad to have people around me who are great role models in this way of interacting, and yes, some of the best ones do not agree with all of my political and social views. When I’m feeling frustrated, I think of all the hard-working and thoughtful people I know who are trying to make the world better by working with each other. Thanks to everyone who helps with that!

How about you, are you up for trying any of the things I’m going to try to do for the next couple of months? If you’re not, what is your plan for dealing with the challenges of the pre-election period? What’s working for you?

Let’s talk!

Random Goodness

I may as well share the good and/or interesting stuff of the day. Maybe I’ll do this every so often.

First, I got the little bistro sets up in the break area by the stairs at the Pope Residence. They surprised me by fitting. I even ate lunch at one. Now that no one else eats in the office, I’ll fine solo in style!

Kathleen and I picked these out in hopes that they would fit.

And I opened the box with the dishes for the office. I just set out coffee cups, in case a visitor wanted some coffee. The rest are i. The cabinets for now.

If it’s deemed too junky, I can put them away.

So that was fun. I also had fun looking at birds this afternoon. I finally determined the small heron I keep seeing is a green heron. It was out with the blue heron behind the house, and while I was looking at them and turtles, I spied the BIGGEST bullfrog I ever saw. Turns out they can weigh up to 1.5 pounds!

There was no way to get a photo of the frog, but I did get a picture of this scary kissing bug. It will not give me Chagas’ disease because it is deceased. Buddhism fail.

The best news is this! We had four eggs today! That’s the first time I got four eggs since we built the hen house here by our house. Thanks, Springsteen!

Bertie, Fancy Pants, Springsteen, and Hedley.

By the fall molting season, we may have a few more kick in! It would be nice to be able to share them with friends and family before they shut down to molt.

I’m in My Office!

The good news came this morning that our renovation of the first floor of the Pope Residence has passed inspection. I hear the sturdiness of the stairs impressed the inspectors, as it should have. I stayed the heck out of the way, as befits the role of the silent partner: you have to stay silent!

That’s the inspector truck on the side of the road. Hey, maybe we can take the permit out of the window!

I’m very proud of the work everyone has done on the project, especially Chris, whose patience I tested (and continue to test) frequently.

Desk with computer and red lamp. I’m in business!

Today I brought the rest of the stuff over that makes an office work as an office. And as I set the desk up, Chris did a few more things for me. He hung up the amber hanging lamp, and it really livens up that corner, I think.

The stained glass windows I brought from the ranch house also got hung, and they really look cool in the window, and will bring a little privacy while letting in light from the stairway area.

Eduardo and the spider plant got their hangers today, so the window looks rather jungly. That area isn’t quite done, because my sister gave me a stained glass window similar to the other ones, which we’re going to put at the top of the outside window as soon as we get another hook.

The other to-do item is the glass for the interior window. Chris is going to put plywood up there until the real glass is ordered and arrives. Glass is the last big item on the list for this place. My window and shelving will let this office have a more spacious look, since the glassware collection won’t be on all the surfaces anymore!

Back to work. I’m sure glad my phone works as a hotspot, because we can’t figure out the WiFi password!

Finishing Touches in My Office

Actually, more like goofing off on a Sunday. This is one of those posts that has to be only interesting to me as a record of my projects. But, you can read it, of course.

Last week, Chris asked me what kind of reading light I was going to use for the reading nook/guest area to the right of the “fireplace.” I realized I’d forgotten all about what I had planned for that. So many plans to keep track of (fun plans, hoorah).

For the left side, I have this beautiful hanging lamp that I bought from my friend Jean. While it’s old, it’s actually never been used, and still has the tag on it! It was made in Tyler, Texas. There was even hanging hardware with it, so all I need to do is clear the space and ask Chris to hang if up. Isn’t it cool?

I also put more “shit,” as Chris calls it, in the office. These are some pretty pottery by my friend Pamela, which I got yesterday when I was prowling around her studio. I am especially fond of the pencil holder which is really a vase. It really sets off my fancy pencils. The little candle holder (or whatever) I got because it goes so well with the color scheme.

And What about the Other Nook?

Back to the right side reading nook. I happened to have a floor lamp in my old office that I think came with this building. It was fake gold metal. I’d replaced the lampshade, but the body of the lamp was sad and rusty. I will spare you a “before” photo, because I forgot to take one.

Here’s my begonia re-potted. Hoping it grows!

This afternoon, after re-potting my new plants, I drug the lamp outside and got out my official Suna Colors of Spray Paint (red and orange paint that were laying around) and I turned the lamp into a festival or orange and red spatters. I painted it all orange, then added light spotty layers of red and orange to build depth (or because it was fun, pick your rationale).

I didn’t make a mess or anything, since I assume the color will come out of the weeds once they grow and get mowed (assuming we get some rain from the converging hurricanes of 2020).

Yes, I painted everything except where the bulb goes.

You’ll be proud of my restraint, since I briefly toyed with the idea of winding one of my colorful flower garlands up the stem of the lamp, but decided I have enough gaudy fake flowers in there. That place is not for the faint of heart!

That’s all I have for today. I’m working on something for tomorrow, so stay tuned for something sweet.

PS about the Calves

Since one person mentioned it, I assume others thought it. So, no we are not going to keep the young calves in the small pen (which did get made bigger when the two others arrived). This is a big ranch, even just the parts we own! They will have plenty of room to roam, and to rotate sensibly, and all that.

Delays Are Minor Disappointments – Still Having Fun

Because I think I annoyed my family by reacting with a sad-face emoji to the news that the inspection of the new office building won’t be until Monday, let me say that I am ever-so-cheerful about how things are going, and am enjoying doing the things I can do. I also extra appreciative of how hard everyone is working and how helpful we’ve all been to each other.

That said, I’m still in the dungeon working away at the ole Agile Transformation and such. On lunch break, though, I went over to the shiny new office (which sure has a lot of spider webs to get rid of), and got to watch Chris put my desk together, so it’s all one piece now.

We still need to add the glass cover (very important to protect the delicate crackle job) and the keyboard drawer, for my typing pleasure. But, that can be done this weekend or Monday. I’ll use the small piece of glass on my current desk until the custom piece is made.

And while he had the drill in hand, Chris was kind enough to hang my art on the walls. That really helps the place look more finished! I have the cool glass hanging lamp I want installed, but it needs more chain, then all that’s left is the stained glass and shelves. These things take time! I’m honestly not trying to get it all done at once. I can work now, once we get the approval, and that’s what dounts.

I seem to have put most of the stuff in this one corner. Hmm.

It’s just nice to have something that makes me happy to focus on, if you know what I mean!

I’m glad my painting of Carlton climbing the fence fit in above the coat rack. I won’t have the view of Lee’s door, once the glass goes in the “window” there.

There’s lots to look forward to the rest of today. Trixie’s coming, so my hope is that Apache gets a clean bill of health, as well as Fiona. Hee haw!

Times Are Still A-Changing

Like I talked about earlier in the week, I need time to process change. Sometimes, though, you just don’t get that luxury. This is one of those times. Yesterday, that one hour when I wasn’t in meetings wasn’t enough time to process, because then I was busy trying to get all the other work I need to do either done or planned out (tomorrow will be catch-up day, I hope!).

Meetings started early, so I got to see the sun pop up this morning, through a dirty window.

Today isn’t much better, though things are a little more spaced out. I’m trying to do a crash course in an entirely different way to work, different teams, different priorities, and a lot of buzzwords. I can do it, but I realized as I was taking my decompression walk a few minutes ago that this is really like getting a new job. And the rest of us are getting new jobs, too. That’s always stressful, even when it’s a job you want!

Also seen on my decompression walk: giant swallowtail

The folks in my department (whatever it is, now) are all in the change stew together and can help each other. I think I was so worried about being slow on the uptake or not coming across as thrilled with all the new processes and such that I totally forgot I’m not alone! My colleagues haven’t done this particular before, either.

Honestly, you’d think I would have figured this out a little sooner, after blundering along trying to figure out how to live life with all the new pandemic parameters. It’s the same deal: yes, you still have to do the same tasks, but you have to do them very differently. You will not succeed at figuring it out instantly. No one else will, either.

Speaking of fun, I got remote-control fake candles for my office. That will entertain my roving eye and add to the curated clutter.

So, thanks, pandemic, for teaching me lessons. And thanks, huge load of work changes, for taking my mind off the pandemic. There, something to be happy and have fun with today! All right!

Fun or Else

Starting today, I’m gonna have fun all day long OR ELSE. That means, even at work! So what if I had Zoom meetings at 10,11,12,1,3, and 4 today? Fun times shall occur at 2 pm. It’s 2:30. I’m blogging. Thankfully, I consider blogging fun.

To start that fun off right, I made myself Zoom backgrounds so it will look like I’m in my new office. And I wore a cheerful shirt, plus lipstick!

Now, doesn’t that make meetings fun? Sure!

And to paraphrase Lee, I “get” to have a lot of meetings today. But, it’s true. I get to talk to a lot of interesting people. It was work book club day, which meant lots of fun.

Such a nice bunch of blurry people to chat with over lunch!

I did “get” to run over to the new office building, sign in to swear I am not sick, and get some pretty pictures of the completely finished stairs. Ahh.

The while trim looks great.
Going downstairs will be a treat every time.

Fun is how you define it! No wonder I surround myself with things that cheer me up. It makes whatever I’m doing fun. I’m extra glad for the happy keyboard and mouse, since most of my “fun” is typing!

What fun have you been having? Do you define your own fun, like I do?

Blinded in a Good Way

Lee had been waiting patiently for the rest of the blinds to go up at the Pope Residence, to save on electricity. The new-ish windows aren’t terribly efficient, but not old enough to replace.

Now that the stair rails are done, and the custom sized blinds for the really long windows are in, Lee’s dream can come true. They’re going up.

There are even blinds for the upstairs rooms we haven’t renovated yet.

Sadly for some, I like light, as do my plants. So my shade stays up.

Plus there’s the collection of brass birds, which I don’t want to touch.

Lee and Chris quickly got Kathleen’s shades up, while she was working offsite. I also spotted the snakeskin she recently found, displayed on her light fixture. So cool.

Lee’s office has been amazingly bright and cheerful. No wonder he hasn’t moved much in. It’s also pretty warm in there. Once the blinds are up, it will be a lot more hermitage in mood, and efficient in electricity needed.

Well, I like light. I need my shiny stuff to shine!

Blind Weirdness

Here’s something. The blinds for the building were all ordered on the same day, from the same store. They are the same brand and style (real wood, but not fancy).

However, there are three different mechanisms for raising and lowering them. Some you just push up and pull down, like in my office. Some have sophisticated buttons you have to press before raising or lowering, like in Lee’s office.

Others have the traditional string pulls, like in Kathleen’s office. Those may be challenging.

More Blinds

Anyway, the whole downstairs is blinded now. Lee is very happy with his dimness.

The reception room now really wants its furniture!

I wanted to see how the blinds looked from outside then I remembered all the sand burs and the fact that the grass is knee high. But I did it, so you can see.

The outside pictures really make it clear that the exterior also needs a lot of work. We will get there! In the meantime, I look forward to enjoying my office from all angles, every day. Next week?

I Misunderstand Commitments

Sometimes, when you’re walking on a hot day and trying to ignore the pain in your legs from climbing hills (you can tell I was in Austin), you get a sudden insight into how communication works and doesn’t work, and your life suddenly becomes better. Well, it happened at least once, and that was yesterday.

I was just enjoying myself not thinking about work during my one-hour break between meetings, and I started to think about how some of the people in my life announce their plans/intentions/commitments. They state them very firmly. “Things will be this way from now on.” “I will act on this plan going forward.” Things like that.

The post is about language, and I think this is cute. Photo by *@NAO via Twenty20*

In my little head, I interpret such statements as firm commitments. I then adjust my own expectations to go with these plans. If someone says, “I’m going to do this twice a week,” I expect that to happen twice a week. If someone says, “This is the next project I plan to do,” I get my inner expectations set that way.

This is not the other person’s problem; it’s mine. This leads to much disappointment and confusion when life happens, plans change, or the dreaded “spontaning” occurs (that’s what Lee and I call being spontaneous). I get worked up about people not keeping their commitments, or confused when I hear the twice a week thing didn’t happen starting the next week.

Javascript is inside my head. No wonder I get confused. Image by *@Mehaniq via Twenty20*,

My insight was that when people around me make these declarations, they are not stating a commitment, they are stating an intention. They’re not stating a definite plan, but more of a tentative plan for the moment. And that’s perfectly fine, because that’s how stating plans or intentions work for them. And besides, even people like me, who state things with all expectations that the plan will be stuck to, sometimes have to change things when circumstances change. Huh, I’d been being rather rigid in my expectations of others!

They sure do. Image by *@MPstockart via Twenty20*

So, now that I’ve reset my expectations, I’ve a word of advice for those of you who didn’t get this concept hammered into their heads while studying linguistics (almost everyone!).

Your internal set of meanings for words and phrases may actually NOT coincide (probably don’t coincide) exactly with other people’s.
me

Language is really, really ambiguous. That’s why we rely so hard on tone of voice, facial expression, past knowledge of the person we’re talking to, and sincere hope to communicate anything at all. We all have our own internal grammar, semantics (meanings for words), and pragmatic style.

Now you know why I only communicate with snuggles. They are universal.

So, when there are misunderstandings, which there inevitably will be, let’s not be so hard on each other. It’s a miracle that we manage to communicate at all!