Sue Ann (Suna) Kendall

Leading and Following

Are you a leader or a follower?

That’s the blog prompt for today. It’s a hard one. I’ve been put into the position of leadership over and over. I don’t think I’m all that good at it, though, because I spend a lot of time figuring out how to lead and keep those I’m leading happy.

Drew is also an accidental leader. He keeps getting out, but can’t get back in without my leadership.

You really have to accept that sometimes your leadership may not make everyone happy, though. I know trying to protect people I’m leading has cost me a couple of leadership positions.

I’ve been repeatedly told I’m not a good leader for horses, too. I’m not interested in showing them who’s boss. I’d rather lead by being the cream member who sets direction. I think I’m getting better at leading horses appropriately thanks to Tarrin’s excellent leadership (ha ha, that’s a good segue).

I need firm correction and gentle cues, Suna.

I see leadership as teaching others to lead, like a good horse trainer or supervisor at a job. The best leaders are more like mentors, and I’ve been good at that sometimes (sometimes not).

I like to be the boss, but I hate to be away from my herd.

I find it good to be a follower sometimes, too. Not a blind follower who just does what they’re told because some authority says so, but rather a follower out of trust and respect, both of which must be earned.

Don’t worry, Suna led me away before I ate too much grass. See, leadership.

Yeah, I think that became clear reading my diary from 10-11th grades. I sure didn’t follow the rules or orders of teachers I didn’t respect. But it was quite obvious how I’d do anything for the good ones.

I got distracted going out the front door by this moth that looks like a leaf. It’s a large maple spanworm moth. Of course it is.

Now, if this question was really about whether I’d rather go first or last in an activity, my answer would be different. I prefer being in front, where I can see my options, unless, of course, it’s a nature hike. I’ll end up following far behind on those. There are just so many plants, bugs, and birds to observe, plus rocks!

Trimming, Literally and Figuratively

With the radio news making me nauseated today (good thing I avoided Lee’s nightly dose of depression known as ABC Nightly News), and thinking somber thoughts about the local police officer who died in the line of duty (plus a friend’s husband out doing the thankless and scary task of guarding the border down south, I just want to go hide in a soothing bubble.

That was an awfully complex sentence there, Suna.

As I had the thought above, I was reminded that Tarrin said today she felt like she was in a snow globe that was being shaken. Maybe a bubble isn’t all that safe after all. I think she and I both need a hug.

Everyone has their limits of what they can take and for how long. Most of my friends have some pretty firm limits and strong boundaries, and I appreciate that. I feel safer around folks like that! I looked around at my friends at lunch today and thought, yep, I’m safe around these people. That’s good, finding your tribe and drawing strength from them (and giving back, one hopes).

It did occur to me that I’ve been letting some more negative influences in my life get under my skin. I’m also reading and listening to sources that feed into my insecurities and reinforce things I don’t need to reinforce. What’s that thing…confirmation bias. Yes, I’m having my fears and worries reinforced, and I don’t need that.

That’s when I decided to do some trimming. I switched around my social media feed to help me see less stuff that isn’t helpful or makes me upset. I trimmed my friend list. I added some positive topics to my feeds. Believe me, I’ll still be aware of whose rights are being taken away and who’s being attacked by whom, but not quite so repetitively.

Next, I jumped into some self care, which led to the literal trimming. I got many layers of mud off Drew, in preparation to try to ride him. Admittedly, I spent most of the time picking mud balls out of his mane and chatting with him. I then took him off to do his ground work, only to quickly discover it is still too muddy. The poor guy slipped and yelped like a little kid. I felt bad for him, so we just went for a walk around the driveway. That went well until Penney barreled around the corner and surprised us both. Drew yelled and jumped away, but I successfully stayed calm and all was well.

I decided we both needed self care at this point, so I sat in my chair outside the tack room and let Drew graze on the tall grass that was mowed last week but shot back up.

The weed eater in action

I appreciated the great job Drew did in trimming around my steps and the saddle rack. He seemed to appreciate me, too, checking in a couple of times to nuzzle me. Now that’s something healing that goes a long way to bringing back equilibrium.

Thanks to Drew, a nice swim in the very full pool, and time with my family and dogs, I may not be in a bubble, but I’m in a protective cocoon of love. My wish for anyone who reads this is for you to find what nurtures and soothes you and trim away the excess as much as you can.

*yes, I’m aware an Althea is a rose of Sharon. Trying to be witty.

Encouragement and Gifts of Service

Naturally, I’m feeling a bit better today. A lot of it is because my friends and family have been so supportive and encouraging. Thanks to everyone who’s reminded me of my humanity and that there ARE plenty of folks not out there judging me (and that judgmental people’s judgments aren’t worth spending time on).

This view of where I live is worth dwelling on.

Today was productive in so many ways. I really enjoyed work today, though I have to say the interruptions were even better.

I interrupt you to share a fiery skipper on a thistle. Skippers are everywhere now that it stopped raining for a bit.

The first interruption was this guy here.

Hey, what’s he doing? (The dogs asked that a lot).

It was Brenham Iron Works coming to fix our gate, which has been beeping at us for over a year, then when we finally got it to shut, had a car push it open. Poor gate (and car). At the moment, it works!

Yay, horses can be kept in if they escape their gate again. Note that blue sky!

It was fun watching the nice guy fix it, and the company got more business when the neighbor across the road got all excited that we actually got a repair person in that she came over and got their info. They have a similar nice gate just a year or two older than ours.

He worked a long time on this. Welding occurred.

The next minor interruption was my Becker Vineyards wine delivery. I got two old favorites so I didn’t complain. A much more fun interruption was a visit from a guy who’s interested in growing some vegetables here. It sounds like a fun project, if it goes through. I’ll tell you more if it goes through. It’s just a possibility but it made me happy to just imagine it.

Picture a vegetable garden on the right?

Lee even suggested that we use our gardener friend’s expertise to spruce up the pool area and such. He’d do way better than us! Now, this is my kind of gift. A gift of service. I was quite tickled at this development.

It made my heart skip like a skipper. I think this is a female sachem. I could be wrong.

I love having something to look forward to, though I’ve learned not to count on anything until it happens. There are just so many sudden changes and pivots these days that it’s just the new normal. That’s fine! I’ll enjoy every day and see what happens! I feel so loved.

And it didn’t rain. The sun even shone for a while. For that reason I ended up just walking around and enjoying late afternoon light, flowers, and birds. I love it when the nighthawks come out. They’re so graceful. I’ll skip my bad bird photos, but do enjoy the other things I saw.

Thanks for bearing with me! I appreciate my community, both in person and online.

Things Just Build Up

It’s funny how it goes. You cope, cope, cope. You grant folks grace, repeatedly. You deal with illness and death around you without falling apart.

Then you don’t. I’m sure that’s normal. I’m trying to keep letting some unkind things I’ve noticed slide by me. All the mental challenges make it hard right now.

In addition to being sad about the young police officer and his family, I’m very sad that an old friend passed away on Saturday. Johanna Horton was helpful to me when my children were young, and supportive when my mentor died from breast cancer. She’s been in my life ever since. She and her husband both were kind, gentle, and very talented. They shared all they learned at Elder Hostels and when they bought and sold antique books. She seemed all right just a week ago on our weekly Zoom call (spin-off of an ancient email list and Facebook group). I had a real hard time joining the call today, knowing Johanna’s face wouldn’t be there. We all said we’d even miss the rug on the wall behind her chair. Sigh.

And it still hasn’t stopped raining. Yes, we love rain here in the land of drought. But there’s standing water everywhere. Even if it had stopped, I don’t think we’d have been able to get the trailer to pull out of its parking area to go to Drew and Apache’s lessons. And I almost hurt myself trying to put food out for the chickens. The run is solid slop. At least I’m not worried about the horses getting enough to eat. The grass is growing in front of my eyes.

The dogs did NOT like today’s big thunderstorm. I had five panting dogs surrounding my desk at one point.

Mother’s Day is always hard for me. Mom was so…out of it. And I wasn’t a great mom, either. Maybe I should have listened to myself when I didn’t think I was cut out for it. I think I was trying to please others and probably too focused on their happiness. Well you can’t change what you did as well as you could.

Speaking of mothers, I guess the birds ran out of space in the sides of the house. Yep. A nest on a door.

And it’s funny. I’m finally feeling part of a community here in Cameron, but I’m still feeling isolated and alone. I hear and read so many people saying scary things about my views. Same goes for people in my family who are just trying to live their lives. This undercurrent of feeling unsafe can make one jittery.

Uh, subject change. I’m real good with fingernails. They get cut next week. The middle one is secretly broken.

These things just come and go. I do have friends and family who love me just as I am. I’m just musing.

Darn rain, dampness, sickness, and death!

Bringing Home Baby

Taking a break from the things that are on my mind, I will share the fun Sara and I had as we drove back to Trixie’s ranch to get Sully and baby Jhayati and bring them back to Sara’s.

I’ve already grown and I’m not even a week old!

It went better than I expected in many ways. First, we managed to get there in between rain storms, which felt like a minor miracle. Then everything else went according to the plan, which was to take our time and not stress out the horses.

Mom, don’t eat my tail! I’m trying to grow big and strong here!

Once everything was ready, we stopped to calculate how big Jhaya should get. Apparently you measure the cannon bone and calculate however many inches it is. That somehow tells you the number of “hands” high the horse will be. Jhaya came out to be 15 inches plus a little. That predicts 15.2 hands. That pleased Sara. It’s not too big or small.

How does the cannon bone predict height? It’s the size it will be when the horse is full grown at birth! All new to me.

Now came the fun part, getting the horses in the trailer. The hope was that the filly would just follow her mom in. So Frederick, Trixie’s helper, led Sully out. The next photos show how it went.

Once we enjoyed the Jhayati Show, Sara and I took the horses to her place. She kept checking for little ears behind Sully in her trailer cam (what a great purchase) but there were no issues. Sara did an amazing job driving smoothly, even on the dirt roads, and taking the curves carefully. Even the really bumpy left turn onto our road was good. And I don’t think I’ve ever gone down the rollercoaster hill with less heaving and bumping.

When we arrived, everyone was fine, and a rain shower had just passed. Whew. And both horses looked fine. Sara got things all ready to move them and then unhooked Sully and opened the trailer door. Here’s what happened.

This went so well! Jhaya just walked into the paddock with Sully like she does it all the time. She didn’t act remotely upset or traumatized. This transition went better than we’d hoped. Thus was the first day of the rest of her life with Sara. Sara’s dream has come true! I’m very happy for her.

Flame on, Jhayati! (That’s actually our burn pile that smoldered beautifully yesterday)

Rainy Day Memories

We are still going through boxes from my old house. Lee has been bringing up things from deeper and deeper in the past. For example, he brought in a box I instantly recognized. It was a shoebox covered in contact paper that looked like wood.

I used to love woodgrain contact paper. I covered a dorm fridge and a wall telephone in it while in college.

The box contained my high school diaries, 1972-1975. See why it’s no surprise I like to write blog posts? I’ve always loved journaling. There have been very few years of my life that didn’t have journals, diaries, or some record.

Deep stuff in here (actually, remarkably little deep stuff and remarkably many boring details of what happened in my classes)

I remember writing these diaries and I remember that everyone I knew was aware that I did. What I didn’t remember until I opened the later diaries was that I wrote them in Spanish. As I posted on Facebook, not only did I protect my family from reading it, but also future me.

From my reading of the exciting year of 1974, I came to a couple of conclusions about teen Suna. One, she was driven by hormones. I sure read a lot of details about what various young dudes said and did. They apparently spent more time asking each other who they liked than actually dating, however. I was insanely jealous of two girls my “dream date” seemed interested in. On the other hand, I had plenty of hormones left over for numerous high school band members.

In addition to my secondary theme of what Anita and I bought at the mall, I did something that I’m pretty sure I’m still doing today. I wrote things down partially to convince myself that they were true. Every week it was either “Dream Date is NOT for me,” or “I feel all gooey when I look at Dream Date.” I think I tried very hard to convince myself that person wasn’t important at all to me, but I was lying. I mean, shoot, that guy is STILL someone I am dazzled by even though we broke up in 1985 (all my fault).

Just reading the stuff I wrote gives me an impression of myself that isn’t very good. I don’t think I’d have liked me very much. We were all pretty mean to each other, we had horrible nicknames for teachers and fellow students, and we were overly cliquish. I’m glad I’ve spent the last 50 or so years trying to be less of an asshole, even though I still fail at times.

Any Other Memories, Suna?

Yes, I have memories that are less harsh on myself that showed up in these boxes. There were a lot of old photos that somehow missed my anal-retentive storage organization system. I was charmed to find photos of the playhouse my dad and maternal grandfather made for me and my brother when we were little. Those two mathematical geniuses decided to build it with no right angles, anywhere. Oh my gosh they had fun with their protractors and saws. We loved that thing.

The photo of Dad and Pappy working on it is a treasure. I barely remember my grandfather, because he died soon after this,

The playhouse eventually became Dad’s tool shed after he built us a “treehouse” that we used as older kids. The playhouse still stands.

Another creation of my dad’s that I found pictures of the fishpond. He built this himself of his own design. The photos below were right after he finished. Later he added a pump and turned poor Saint Francis into a fountain. Water came out of the bird’s nest he held (Dad also thought it was Saint Frances for many years – hey, the saint had long hair and wore a dress, plus Dad had a sister named Frances). Lucky for Francis, dad later found a cool rock to be the waterfall, and the birdbath went back to its original purpose.

That’s water hyacinth in there, before we realized it was invasive.

That pond was a real thing of beauty and a highlight of our home. We had huge goldfish and catfish Mom had fished out of Newnan’s Lake as babies. Mom’s favorite story was that a little boy came to visit, wandered behind the house and came running up to his dad, saying, “Good God, Daddy, they gots a LAKE in their back yard!”

The back of the house. Notice the pots and pans on the patio. Mom set the leftovers out for Wendy Pace, the neighbor springer spaniel.

On that note, I’ll just share some photos that gave me warm fuzzy feelings. First, it’s no surprise that I like horses. I unpacked my china horses and giant plastic draft horse and this photo of me embarrassing my dad and kids.

And we can’t forget my first dog, Gwynneth. I got her because that’s the kind of dog I thought would fit our family best. That dog sure barked a lot, but we did love her for 15 years. Even when she was blind!

It’s True Nature Helps. So Do Friends

I heard a piece on NPR about the effects of nature on moods of people dealing with hard things. I have to agree that spending time in nature can help a lot. My lunch activity today was a nice walk along our road in search of peace.

This pitcher’s leather flower sure looks peaceful. What a beauty.

As I walked, I was repeatedly reminded that humans aren’t the only important things on earth and that life and death will go on regardless of whether I’m there or not. That actually did make me feel more peaceful and part of something bigger than myself.

And I was reminded that life’s full of mystery. Like what’s in this ruellia? I don’t know.

The highlight of my walk was finding dozens of black swallowtail caterpillars on one prairie parsley plant. I watched those little guys noshing away for a long time. I forgot all my sadness about community events for a while!

I enjoyed all the flowers I saw, and the butterflies. Even the trees were beautiful. What a nice break.

I didn’t see many birds but heard lots. I spotted a painted bunting by hearing it first. Um. You couldn’t ID it from this!

From the listening app I heard:

Dickcissel
Robin (rare here)
Barn swallows
English sparrow (zzz)
Painted bunting (lots)
Cardinals
Mockingbird (also pretended to be a blue jay)
Starlings
Tufted titmouse
House finch
Killdeer
Carolina wren
Song sparrow
Cowbird
Phoebe
Carolina chickadee
Common yellow throat (only saw that once ever)
Nighthawk (also saw two)
Scissor tail
Baltimore oriole (wow)

That’s a lot of birds! The vultures didn’t make any noise, but were there, too.

Not only did nature make me feel more at peace, but my friends did, too. I enjoyed my afternoon coffee with two friends, Anita and Pamela. We laughed over my high school diaries that I found yesterday and discovered were mostly in Spanish. Then we shopped at the new antiques store downtown. I was happy to see there were many customers! I got a giant piece of purple glass for my window.

It’s the wine glass-looking thing in the middle.

After that we sat on a bench overlooking the town square, wondering how we ever ended up in Cameron, Texas and enjoying it. Fun times. I’m glad for the supportive friends I’ve finally accumulated here!

Perfect spot to watch small town life go by

Topping the day off with a horse ride and swim in the pool brought balance back, at least for now. I hope you also find your own balance.

Sad Times

Wow. People just go around shooting each other and doing collateral damage. Our community lost a police officer after someone shot their wife and then shot at the officers who came after him. I’m not going into details. It’s too sad. I just feel terrible for my law enforcement friends and their families. I’m sure family members of the shooter will never be the same either. Our violent culture creeps in and makes us all feel less and less safe every day.

Kindness seems so futile against so much anger. Keep trying to listen, understand, and support even those who differ in their perspective. That’s how we can work to heal in these hard times.

Sunshine Follows Rain

At least so far that’s been true. And it’s true today. It rained starting last night and kept going until right about when I stopped working. We got at least two inches, which means we now are in a series of shallow ponds and the creek is extra full.

You can see the creek from the back yard.

Once the clouds parted and there was a little sun, everything perked up fast. Suddenly the pollinators were in action!

I really enjoyed how green it is this year and how many flowers there are. I’m treasuring every day this spring.

Of course, other residents came out after the rain. I saw one of our large rabbits, then found this guy enjoying the poor drainage at the horse pens. I bet the water felt good. It’s just a rat snake/chicken snake, so there was no reason to panic.

Not only the natural world came out. There are lots of new airplanes here, thanks to an air museum moving in and a flight school, too. I enjoyed these two planes going over. I don’t enjoy helicopters shooting at hogs, though (or whoever is shooting at them with a semi-automatic rifle and not letting us know).

Today was just fine. I’m glad for the peace here, because it lets me send good thoughts to friends who need them. Love to all.

We Have a Fresh New Neighbor!

Get ready to say “aww” and squeal a lot. You may recall (if you’ve been reading a while) that Sara has been working with a beautiful Andalusian mare named Sully, who was carrying a foal fathered by some famous deceased stallion. Sully belongs to our friend Trixie, and Sara agreed to take her to lessons during the gestation period.

We’ve all enjoyed having her around and have been eagerly awaiting the birth. She went back to Trixie’s recently to give birth, since Trixie is a lot more experienced with foaling.

We got word yesterday that Sully did a great job and produced a little filly (girl horse). While she got photos, of course Sara wanted to see her. And because she’s a good friend and knew I’d pout if she didn’t, she asked me to come along for the meet and greet. That way I could take pictures while she basked in the new life.

Do you have questions? I bet you do!

What does the name mean? It’s from Pali, and means to burn, or to Buddhists, to meditate. It’s a significant word for Sara, and lo and behold little Jhaya has a flame on her forehead (if you use your imagination, anyway).

Why is there light hair around her eyes? That’s a sign that this very dark girl will grow up gray like her mom. Drew probably looked similar as a baby. Horse hair colors are fascinating.

What the heck is going on with that gray beard? We don’t know! But isn’t it cute? She also has a light spot on one nostril. You can’t lose her in a crowd! From the side it looks like a Billy goat beard.

Enough questions. It was fun watching Sara marveling at the little girl that she’ll spend the next many years with. And it was great to see Trixie working with the new baby. She’s so good at it. Here are some photos of when we first met Jhaya in their stall.

Eventually Trixie and Sara got the mother and baby to go out in the little paddock outside their stall. Fresh air and soft grass were just what the mom and one-day-old baby needed. After a bit of nursing and exploring, the filly just had to move!

Before we knew it she was breaking into canters and going in circles. We may have missed her first steps, but we got to see her first run! Wow! It’s just amazing how horses can move so soon after birth, but it comes in handy for prey animals. We all just beamed at her like no horse had ever done that before.

If you’ve never run before, you will get worn out. Jhaya just plopped on the grass, got comfy, and had a little snooze. All the humans around her didn’t bother her at all, since Sully is a good mom already and would take care of her. Sleeping babies always make you say, “aww.”

While we were charmed by the new life and proud of the new mom, we did have to go home. But she’ll come here next week! Horses grow so fast. I’m glad I got to see Jhaya when she was brand new.

This visit, along with this morning’s installation of satellite internet, helped me deal with how out of sorts I’ve been feeling. I’m sure glad there are distractions like baby horses!