Last weekend, as I was driving home from my Drew lesson, I listened to an episode of Hidden Brain, by Shankar Vedantam. I’m so glad I did, because the story he shared, gently and neutrally, made the point that I’ve been slowly and painfully trying to articulate for the past few years:
More than one viewpoint about people and situations can be true at the same time.
Me
I’ve always been deeply aware that circumstances are rarely black and white. No one’s all good or all evil. No form of government is all bad or all good. No religion is perfect or all bad. You get my drift and may even agree.
But what this episode, “Both Things Can Be True,” clarified for me is that while it is much easier to see people only one way, it is entirely possible to hold two completely conflicting views of someone. The woman in the story comes to see an important person in her life as both someone who saved her life and betrayed her. She could be both grateful and angry. And that allowed her to reach peace.
I can understand that professional football is highly flawed and can lead to head injuries with lifelong consequences. I can also enjoy watching it and be a fan. Integrative complexity?
The ability to do this is called integrative complexity, which is not a new concept, but was new to me. That’s what has let me cope a little better with the complexities in my own life (sparing you the details).
From what I observe, though, not many people are into the complexity thing. It’s easier to over generalize.
I see it so often where someone fucks up and the people around them switch from seeing them as good and label them as evil. It’s happened in my family, both to me and to someone I care deeply about. I see it, too, when people declare all Republicans or Democrats are evil, all Christians or Muslims are extremists, all police officers are corrupt…etc.
No wonder there’s so much divisiveness. Black and white thinking is just easier.
I am so tired of that bullshit.
It’s not easy to let go of ingrained patterns of belief. Don’t I know it! But integrative complexity is, I think, exactly what is needed to create a world where people can work together to solve the real problems of the world…once we accept that solutions, too, are not all black and white.
I started work extra early today, so I got to stop before the pre-solstice sunset caught up with me. It had rained and misted much of the day, but the late-afternoon sun was shyly peeking out from the clouds. It turned the ranch into a jewel box of shining droplets hanging from every fence, blade of grass, and plant.
A twinkling world
I walked along just wishing I had someone to share this with. Lee was up working. Kathleen isn’t here. Mandi was at work, sigh. I know the little things I was enjoying so much weren’t the kind of things a lot of people would even notice. I mean, there was also a lot of holes from hogs or something, animal poop, and normal ranchy things.
For example, I was surprised to see these kernels of corn in the middle of our pasture. Did it come out in deer poop? Did a bird drop it? I have no idea. It has to be deer corn, because no one grew corn around here this year.
It came to me that these were the kinds of things my friend Christi often posted as she looked out on her own ranch. Trees, sunsets, random cactuses, weird mushrooms, corn in the middle of the field. Tears came to my eyes, because I’d just been reading about when her memorial service would be held, fittingly enough, right in the middle of Sara’s and my lessons with her trainer friend. She’d probably get a chuckle out of that.
There were a bunch of these interesting stinkhorn mushrooms in the field today.
Well, then, I said, as my heart literally began to ache, I should share the shiny and quirky things I see around the Hermits’ Rest today, in honor of her memory and her love of this part of Texas.
Willow branches
I hope you enjoy how even the lowliest blades of grass became shimmering waves of diamonds in the sun today. It’s a real tribute to a shining soul. Be sure to look at the pictures up close, so you can see all the droplets.
Here’s one more Elizabeth Strout book. This is not exactly a sequel, but it builds upon the events and actors in My Name Is Lucy Barton. Anything Is Possible impressed me, because it has the same people in it, but is a completely different type of book than the book about Lucy. Here, you hear about all the folks she encountered in her book and insisted she didn’t know anything about or understand.
And it quickly becomes clear that Lucy was right. Each of the people you learned a few facts about from Lucy or her mother before has a complex and interesting story to tell, with their own deep regrets, shame, and accomplishments. I was surprised over and over at how the people I encountered in the first book changed as they aged and had experiences.
There’s a theme of people surviving the loss of their mothers, many by having their mother just up and leave, others by having them pass away young. That made me empathize a lot, since I always felt like my mother was never really all there the whole time I knew her, even though I loved her an all her flaws. The same seemed to be true of almost everyone in Anything Is Possible, too. It warmed my heart to see estranged siblings realize their love for each other and estranged children realizing they love their parents (even the ones who were unacceptably eccentric, bordering on abusive). That gives me hope for my own situations, and that’s a thing that makes me really careful.
My view while reading.
Strout is right, anything IS possible. You also can’t predict what’s going to happen with people. Even the most broken of us can rise above early experiences, but it’s not guaranteed, either. Strout did a masterful job of showing us that “stuff happens” to everyone, but we will all learn, grow, and remain able to love.
Anything is possible. I am happy, content with my life situation, and no longer dwelling on my own shame, doubt, or eccentricities.
I hope you get a chance to read both of these books, and read them in close succession. You’ll experience complex emotions, but in the end, you’ll be realistically optimistic about humans and their resiliency.
Do you remember reading about how much fun I had just wandering around Breckenridge, Colorado day before yesterday? And do you remember that I got very excited when I walked through a residential area and saw that a house had a big bird feeder and I hung around there trying to get photos of the pretty birds?
The Steller’s Jay I saw
I remember thinking what a really nice bird feeder those people had, and how much I liked all the stuff they had on their deck. It looked like such a nice, comfortable home, and I wished I could watch birds on that deck. As I walked back to town, I was so grateful to those folks for letting me see a new bird.
Well, today, I was reading Facebook comments about my earlier blog post. You could have knocked me over with an intensely blue feather when I read this!
What??? (I scratched her name out because I, too, care about internet privacy)
At first, I thought she meant that was the same kind of bird feeder she had. But no, out of all the houses in this little town, I had managed to take a bird picture at the home of the ONLY person I know who actually lives here! I knew she’d moved away from Texas, but I forgot where she had gone!
This made me SO happy.
So, I may get my wish and get to look at birds from that lovely deck. Maybe I can get better photos. I’m just tickled to death! This whole “keeping up with folks on the internet” thing is really working out for me!
Speaking of Friends
My friend Kathy and I knitted and talked all morning until the shops opened, at which time we went shopping a bit more and had a wonderful brunch at a place called the Columbine Cafe. I had an omelet with a side of the first Colorado green chili that I’d ever had. If you get a chance, try it. The tequila sunrise was also delicious.
This woman can really knit by the way. That sweater has incredible subtle detailing and fits perfectly. I wove my scarf.
Our shopping was a great success, as I have holiday gifts all under control now. One shop we went into had some of the funniest dang cards, fridge magnets, and t-shirts that we couldn’t stop laughing. What we really liked about this place, and the other one we spent a lot of time in, was that much of the merchandise was unique and not the same old stuff you see everywhere. There must be a lot of creative and funny people in this state.
I think we are trying to blind ourselves. But we wanted a picture with mountains in the background. Note that I got earrings with crows on them that completely match my winter coat. I think they may be my winter go-to earrings. They are enamel on copper.
We both tried very hard to not go into the store with all the rocks, crystals, and jewelry under the one with the funny merchandise. But we went in. There, I discovered a treasure trove of turquoise jewelry, including some Sand Creek stones I had never seen before. It’s beautiful, light blue stuff. They also had a genuinely nice collection of old Navajo jewelry. I totally fell in love with a coral and turquoise piece from the 1960s, unsigned, as many old pieces are. I’m going to end up wearing this one a lot.
After we finished at the jewelry store, where I had heart palpitations from the beauty, we went for a little ride looking for a mine. We didn’t find the mine but did fine some beautiful scenery from the road that runs up into the mountains east of Breck. That was plenty great for me.
The ski slopes
I just liked how optimistic this tree looked, reaching up
Views from the car and a stop to enjoy scenery (and look for Kathy’s sunglasses)
Then, Kathy was nice enough to take me to the grocery store to stock up after I ate a lot of my food last week. I’m probably good with food until I leave town.
Meanwhile, Back in Texas
I’m sure you’re craving photos of my animals back at the ranch. Lee has been really nice about sending me dog and chicken pictures. However, this took my breath away. I think Drew is the prettiest horse in the world, at least for me. Thanks to Sara for grabbing me a photo while she was at the trainer’s for her lesson. He is filling out so nicely. Ahh.
Back to knitting, relaxing, and wishing the time didn’t change tonight. I’ve got plenty to do and so much fun to look forward to in the next two weeks. I’m so grateful for kind friends who are willing to spend time with me when I just randomly show up near where they live!
This may or may not surprise you, but those of you who actually know me remember that I have worked with tarot cards for many years. I find them very helpful for clarifying my thinking, figuring out trends, and learning about other people. In fact, this blog and our ranch, The Hermits’ Rest, is a nod to the card Lee most identifies with, the Hermit. It’s about seeking the truth, teaching others, and yes, withdrawal from life.
I wish the card I identified with most was romantic and exciting, but I’m afraid it’s the less intense equivalent of the Hermit, 4 of Swords. It’s a card of calm, peace, meditation, and retreat. It used to come up for me nearly every day when I was drawing a card a day. Now that I’m a lot better at self-care, I don’t think it would do that so much.
Enough of the tarot blathering. I haven’t done many readings lately, except a few for others. The one I did for my sister a month or two ago was really something, and I think that’s the last one I did. But, with yesterday being the traditional new year for earth-centered folks, I decided to do my usual Halloween reading to see where I might be headed in the next year. Here’s what came up.
My reading, October 31, 2021
I was so rusty at reading that at first, I was a bit concerned. There are a lot of stern, mean-looking dudes in that spread. Who or what were they and why were they all over my life for the next year? But, as I looked at the other cards and considered the context of my life right now, it began to make sense. I’ll share with you what I saw. Note that my friends who are good this stuff may see something else. Alternative perspectives are welcome.
I tend to use the cards to draw connections my conscious mind hadn’t seen before and to see relationships emerge that I hadn’t realized where there. I’m not predicting the future.
Anyway…
The card that signified the theme of the reading is the 3 of Pentacles. That’s a card about doing high-quality work and getting recognition for it. That evokes my recent job change that is a new part of my life this year. I realize that a lot of the reading may concern work.
Crossing that card is the Wheel of Fortune, which is not a game show, but represents either luck or a life full of significant ups and downs. I’d say that summarizes both my recent past and my present, and the thing that’s made it hard to do my best work–so many other things going on and demanding attention.
Next, I saw the Empress over there to the left, in the past position. She’s a mom and a nurturer. I have, indeed, spent a lot of my time in the past few months to a year trying to make things better for people and expending a lot of energy in that. That’s the past, though.
Sitting high above me is the Hierophant, who signals institutions, bosses, teachers, and such, which used to be the card I hated. When I was in a bad job, he showed up over and over until I left. I think this time it represents the job I just left, because of feeling oppressed by the demands of out-of-touch higher ups but cautions me to be aware of wanting to conform to make a good impression at the new place, too. Hmm. Lots to think about.
Below, at the root of the issue is the particularly unattractive 4 of Pentacles. This represents someone who wants everything to themselves, can’t let go, or as Robin Wood (who created the deck I read with) said, “an emotional black hole.” This is telling me that the other part of my life that weighed me down for the past year or so (one I don’t talk about here) is still lurking down there, thanks to the Empress being so strong and me wanting to help even when it goes against my best interests. Since it’s tied (in my mind) to the Empress card, I think it’s in the past, too.
That’s confirmed by the future card, which is, hip-hip hooray, the World! That card hints that I may well be right that I’ve figured some things out, am in a better place, and come to the end of a cycle intact and with lots and lots of knowledge. Good, good.
So, what happens next? Well, the card on the bottom of the stack on the right is the 8 of Cups. When I saw that, I said to myself, “Ain’t that the truth?” This card shows someone turning away from all the “stuff” in the past, ready to step forward into whatever is next, without all that emotional baggage (cups are emotions). Right, right! That’s what I want to be doing. Thank you, random tarot cards, for confirming that.
Here’s where more of the “people” cards show up. They always make me think about whether they represent people in my life or traits. With the King of Pentacles in the position of my friends and family, it becomes clear. This is a kind guy who has money, and I would like that to represent the people in my household, who also work in our business. They know what they are doing and will be with me all the way.
Next is the card that represents my hopes and fears/dreams. I chose fears here because it’s the King of Swords. This is a scary guy, to me, often a military man or stern ruler. He’s smart, but not very emotional. You may laugh at me, but I thought of the Governor of Texas, who keeps passing laws that upset me and make me fear for the safety of women, children, immigrants, and other people without much power. Now why is THAT GUY in my reading??? I think I’m more worried that politics is going to mess with my happy 2022 than I let myself realize consciously.
Moving on to the end, things do get better, judging from the cheerful 6 of Cups at the top. It looks like if I do the stuff the other cards are hinting at, like working hard, giving up on nurturing people who don’t want to be nurtured, and learn from the crazy past year or two, I can have the kind of life I’d want, a simple one full of happiness and family. I would not turn that down!
There’s a card to the side. I drew it to see something more long term. It’s the Knight of Swords. That’s my estranged son, the cuttingly intellectual one who is always in my dreams telling me how I failed as a mother and human being. Maybe some resolution to that issue will come in the next year.
My cards, a leaf, pinecones, and a magpie feather.
Well, if you ever wondered how people can read cards, that was an example of one way. It is NOT the only way. I use a lot of intuition. Some people are more literal. Others have different interpretations of cards, based on their own experiences. These things are flexible and can be what you would like them to be. Nothing to be scared of here, just time to ponder possibilities.
I know I’m supposed to be living in the moment right now, but just for a few minutes let me digress and think about the future.
The sun will come up tomorrow!
Lee and I took a walk this evening and were looking around with the dogs and everything her. The sun was so beautiful in the sky as it was going down. The dogs were playing, the clouds were scuttling across so beautifully. Some of them were fast and some of them were slow. It was pretty cool.
Sunset dogs.
Then we decided to go sit in the hot tub and watch the sunset. Yes we could do that. We watched the sun making beautiful colors and imagined there being water in there and not dirt.
Mmm. Might be nice some day.
I did discover a problem. Do you know what? It’s really hard to get in and out of that hot tub. There are no stairs. And I am a short person. I think we’re going to have to work something out.
Trapped forever.
Ya know, with my workday being so long and so full of hard thinking, it’s great to just sit around and not do anything for a little while. I love my new job but wow, are the assignments I’m given in there complicated, and they have a lot of problems and issues. My job is to fix them! How about that? I may be tired, but it’s al good.
We also relaxed and hung out with friends.
Autumn sunsets are my favorite, and when I get back from my next trip, the leaves will be gone. So, I’ll save all these views for enjoyment when I’m elsewhere. These are in chronological order. Storms are coming!
I will tell you what feels strange, but good. That would be having meetings with your supervisor and her boss in which both said what a great meeting it was and what good work you’re doing. It had been a couple of years since that happened. Nice.
I feel all sparkly.
It’s amazing how feeling competent can affect your outlook on life. I am tired every day after work, but not stressed out. I can handle that.
Drew is doing well at his job, too. Those scary flags aren’t affecting him anymore.
Other than being so tired I have trouble getting my volunteer stuff done, I’m still handling things remarkably well. I’m taking care of obligations! Who am I? Grown-up Suna?
I’m never too busy to take a photo of a nuptial scorpionfly.
While I’m sad I missed last weekend’s Master Naturalist conference due to the new hourly job, I can see it was a good decision. The one thing I need to work on more is paring down my to-do list and volunteer obligations. I may have to step back until I’m done with this job. Sigh. But I only have so many spoons, you know. Look it up if you’re unfamiliar!
Time to recharge
I’ll knit now. That’s my spoon regeneration technique. I’m also still fairly competent at that.
As you know, I started a new job a couple of weeks ago, consulting at Dell on the software I worked with at the previous job. The new job features a very smart team, some fun clients to work with, and a reasonable and kind boss. These are all good things! I’ve completed a couple of little projects and a sorta big one already, and everyone seems pleased with it. No problems there!
This angst-filled woman keeps making an appearance in my dreams. That’s me and Eudora in the early 1980s.
But, my dreams have just not left me alone! I keep dreaming that I am unable to finish things, that I have messed something up (including one where I completely forgot how to use the software I was demonstrating). I’ve dreamed repeatedly of people telling me I’m not fitting in, am a poor worker, and that I don’t know what I’m doing.
Moody, inside me
Happy outside me
Me in the early 1980s, feeling like I’m living two lives, one so perfect and one where I am a pretty awful person (I was, in fact, doing that).
Gee whiz, subconscious, what are you trying to say here, that I am Imposter Syndrome Queen or something? I’ve been doing really well in my waking hours with not taking criticism to heart, realizing that whatever went wrong in the previous job was not all me and had to do with something I wasn’t even aware of. I’ve been doing GREAT at not expecting everyone in the world to like me or think highly of my work. I am not basing my self esteem on someone else’s opinion, while still trying to do good work and owning my mistakes. That all sounds fairly adult of me (about time).
To change the subject, my it was a dewy morning.
These things you develop as you are growing up really stick with you, don’t they? I was always so darned fixated on pleasing my dad and my teachers that when I made the slightest error I was horrible to myself. The hardest thing I ever did was give up on academia, because even though it was the best thing for me to do for ME, I was so concerned about disappointing my family and my professors. So outwardly focused.
Before
After
In pool news, it appears that the mason guys didn’t like the white appearance of the fire pit surround, so they switched out some stone while I was gone. It does look better now, I think.
No matter how much better I’m doing and how much I learn, little Suna keeps peeking out and waving around to remind me that I’m still a bit of a mess, just like everyone else is (thank goodness I realize THAT now).
I did have a weird work-related dream that made me laugh, though. I dreamed I wanted a Wendy’s walnut burger (??). I had not been to Wendy’s in a long time and it had changed since COVID into a weird antiseptic, white subway-tiled place, where you went in one at a time to order. When it was my turn, the server told me that before I could order, I had to set up my Wendy’s PIN.
Something else to make you laugh. Brown Chick riding on top of Star. Black Chick did it later!
Well, that was fine, I guessed. Then the server told me that my PIN had to be the number that corresponded to one of the things that was on a laminated sheet of paper. The paper had on it photos of various things. I can remember a glass of wine and some piece of clothing. I said, “I don’t have any numbers associated with those things.” The server insisted that I had to use MY number for one of the things.
It’s cozy up here.
I finally decided there was a number I could associate with one of them, and asked the guy, “So, where do I write it down?” He looked at me, all fuzz-faced and panicked, and said, “I don’t know! I just started!”
This was written sort of without editing. I’m glad I have a place to mull over my thoughts, even ones I will find silly tomorrow after some sleep.
Suna the self absorbed (yet another put-down label; maybe that should be introspective)
I’ve been thinking and thinking about a meme I saw earlier this week. It’s one of those things that’s intended to empower and embolden women in the workplace and beyond. I used to take those things to heart and work hard to be my authentic self.
Authentic me, pondering.
I added: Negative: Keep pointing out problems.
I grew up being told to be quiet, that children should be seen and not heard. I was labeled bossy, a lot, for being assertive. I asked way to many questions. When there was an elephant in a room, I pointed it out. These were not good. I was difficult.
Also, I was empathetic, tried to help others, and didn’t mind sharing credit. I asked things politely rather than barking out orders, and didn’t mind at all explaining why I wanted things done a certain way. I felt like that got buy-in and created cohesive teams. That was good, I think.
It can truly be exhausting to have to pretend you are someone you’re not in order to keep a job, keep the peace, keep your reputation, etc. And whoa, have I done a lot of all those things in the past few years. I’ve been constantly checking my Zoom camera to be sure I’m smiling and looking pleasant in meetings. I’ve deleted and rewritten so many emails, chat posts, Facebook statuses, and so on. I do pretty well most of the time.
But, damn, when you are suffering from anxiety and dealing with a lot of difficult family and work situations, you can let your real self leak out without meaning to. You can express an actual opinion, point out something that’s not right, ask if something is true or the best thing to do, use the wrong tone of voice (guilty as charged)…you know, all those things that get you labeled like the ones that are in that meme.
Can we, as women, who are expected to smooth things over, agree with what the leaders say, follow instructions rather than making rules, and all those frustrating unspoken expectations, ever, actually be ourselves? What if yourself is sarcastic? What if yourself gets tired of inefficiency? What if yourself gets irritated when told to just follow orders when you’re used to helping make decisions? (Or if you are my male spouse, your real self is tired of being told not to be so brusque. They have their own sets of expectations.)
Nope, we can’t be those selves. We have to spend years in therapy, reading self-help books, and getting sanctimonious “coaching” from our bosses, so we can meekly fit in, and only speak up when it’s time to do what we are asked to do.
The dogs don’t even try to be fake.
So, no, I do not plan to act on the meme above. I give up. I think it’s just as stressful and unproductive to let my more prickly nature show as to try to smooth my nature out to meet expectations. I’ve thought about this a lot. I’m not going to make waves, express my opinions, or debate in work or public.
I’ll be me with my inner circle, and just do what I have to do to get by with others. I’ll make a bad impression to some and a good impression to others and it won’t matter at all, in the long run. The key is that I won’t be stressing myself out either trying to conform or trying to be my fierce self. No wonder both Lee and I are plumb tired. We’re tired of trying to matter.
I’m tired of being tired. The price of authenticity is just too high for me.
It came as a surprise to some folks that I took a new position after being at one place for such a long time. To others, it came as a relief, no doubt. But to be honest, I really wanted to stay at my current employer. I just wasn’t a great fit for what I was currently doing.
But I’m happy today. Me and Bogey the horse
I’d really been enjoying the work I was doing in diversity and inclusion there. I discovered I was really interested in the topic (thus all my book reports on unconscious bias and allyship) and wanted to help the company move forward with their focus on creating a diverse and inclusive workplace. I’d brought up the idea of creating an official position for D&I, and everyone I talked to thought it was a great idea and that I’d be a good choice. But, new CEOs, new initiatives, new reorganizations, and new priorities came up that made my urgent desire a not-so-urgent corporate nice-to-have. I totally get that, but I do want my colleagues to know I really cared about the people at the company and wanted to be able to help them with their concerns. Things just didn’t work out due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control.
He didn’t like the coffee.
In addition, I cared very much about the customers of this company and was darned proud of the work I’d done to help them succeed in using a complicated enterprise-level software “solution.” I would love to have stayed in my position where I contributed to that work, which is exactly why I took my new position: I get to do what I like and am good at again!
Mostly, though, I hate leaving people I care about and who rely on me. I know perfectly well that no one is irreplaceable. In fact, I repeated this endlessly the last time the organizational priorities and my skills and interest no longer meshed and I needed to go elsewhere. (I do feel I left those folks in a bad position, but they seem to have all found other good stuff to do.) Where I am now, I was onboarding new team members and serving as a mentor to a few other folks. I’ll miss this the most. I was actually doing my best to hang on as long as I could be helpful to my coworkers and do good work in whatever role I was asked to do.
This is Chevy, the other horse where I am. He is also gray!
Sometimes you have to change your jobs. I did have a choice here…to wait and see if I could find a better fit in the company or look at other options. It’s weird as heck that a recruiter called with the new position the exact same day I realized I had to leave. That sounds all pretty and like it’s a packaged tied up in a bow, but I just wanted to share that it was not an easy decision.
One of my character “features” is that I care. I care about my work and the people I work with. Things would be a lot easier if I didn’t. I was way too committed to the “servant leadership” thing for my own good, and really wanted to be there for people who need my encouragement or support.
Two pretty boys. Bogey is very, very tall. Both had their manes trimmed because of sand burs.
I wish all of you who work in large organizations the kind of leadership who provide encouragement, support, and mentorship. I’m not planning to seek opportunities to lead teams during my remaining few years in the workforce, though. I’ll do work I like, do my best, and give and seek support elsewhere.
The Hermits' Rest 