No wonder I feel bad! Lee took me to a very nice urgent care place in Temple where I told them I was pretty sure I had strep, but to check for other stuff, so they did. I don’t feel like I have the flu (that I can remember since I haven’t had it since flu shots were invented).
There’s always plenty of crafting to do while waiting one’s turn in the car. I ain’t going near sick people if I can help it. And of course I masked to keep my germs to myself.
Yep. I have strep, which I’m pretty sure I made myself vulnerable to when my mental health drained me. At least it’s something you can get fixed. So good ole Penicillin is fighting the bacteria. Whee. And today I’ve rested rather than running around in the rain and cold all day like yesterday.
Carlton and Goldie entertain me.
I want to be better so I can work with Drew a lot. Poor guy probably wonders what’s going on.
Huh? Who’s gonna feed us? Suna has no backup. (Answer: eat that hay)
Luckily, Lee has been feeding me, and I’ve been cozily watching football and getting Thanksgiving nails. I probably needed a break, anyway.
Restful fun
I bet I’ll be fine tomorrow and able to work and do my chores. There’s a lot of poop to shovel from when the horses escaped.
Thanks to all for your incredible support and kindness over the past few days. It’s helping me get back on track! I know some of you are also struggling and want you to know I’m thinking of you, too.
For the first time in a few years, I didn’t blog for a while. I’m not back because people were clamoring for me to write (in fact, no one said anything at all about it, which is perfectly fine). I’m back because I figured out some stuff about my mental challenges that I thought might be helpful for others. What prompted it was a lot of introspection I did after seeing some of these motivational posts in social media.
Oh yeah, Nikki? Really?
My mental issues tell me that no one wants to see the unmuted version of me. It’s been backed up all my life by folks telling me I’m too sensitive, too judgmental, too negative, too…blah blah blah. And thanks to having this extra-unpleasant “rejection sensitivity dysphoria” (RSD) deal, when I hear something that sounds to my extra-sensitive ears like a criticism or put-down, my limbic system kicks in and goes into defensive mode. That guarantees I’m going to overreact and piss someone off. Nope, no one really does want to see the unmuted version of me! Consequently, I do try to make myself smaller, to avoid subjecting other people to my unregulated self.
Break!
My precious chandelier……is in the tack room now!And my son rearranged stuff for meI can now hang my helmets againI have my cushion, tooThe new lighting really makes the tack room cheeryThe front of the tack room is also cleaned upFinal afghan all laid outPositive stuff! Things that please people like me!
And this week, after being told how negative I was, I fell into a deep well of self-criticism. And when I asked for help and support, I felt criticized for not asking for it appropriately, and was informed that when people tried to help me, it made it worse. You can see how a downward spiral might ensue, even when I knew in my head that I was being criticized for basically being who I am, which I can’t change as much as I’d like to. Being told not to react to things that trigger me the way I do is like telling a tree not to have bark. Well, yuck to all that, right? (Note that I know the person I was talking to was not intending to be mean. This is just an example.)
So, I was wondering how I could have the reactions in my head that my mental challenge makes me have but mitigate it somehow. One thing I thought of was for people who are forced to talk to me when I have an RSD episode to not add criticism about my reaction on top of my reaction. For example, if I react to something by hearing in my mind that I’ve been told I’m the most negative person in the world, an unhelpful response would be, “No, I just said you were ONE OF the most negative people I know.” Yep, my mind heard an exaggerated view all right, but pointing out that I heard it wrong just makes me feel worse.
I wonder what would happen if the response was empathy rather than added criticism? What if my reaction was acknowledged, but not critiqued? I was thinking something like, “I know what I just said was hard for you to hear. Just remember I care about you, warts and all. Let’s look at what I was trying to tell you, not how it came across.” I feel like that would give me a chance to get past that initial reaction and be more realistic. Who knows?
Break
Need another break? Here’s Drew’s new and interesting hybrid saddle. It has pretty flowers on it and is comfortable to both humans and horses.
I have to acknowledge, though, that just like I have no control over reactions that aren’t conscious, other people can’t, either. That’s how people end up where they each build on each other’s issues until there’s some bad result. Talking to each other and trying to understand each other’s struggles is a good way to start, though.
I’ll keep working at it, but no, I don’t think I’ll be subjecting my unmuted self to many of the people in my life. It’s just too much for them, and I honestly don’t blame them one bit. Some people are hard to deal with, and I am one of those. That’s something I have to deal with!
(By the way, in my mind, I’m a cheerful person who laughs and jokes around a lot and has a lot of fun – I wish I could expose THAT version of me!)
It’s not necessary to try to make people you are fond of like you back!
In my heart, I know that the work I’ve done here at the ranch has been good for me. I’ve felt much better about myself as I’ve been finding the beauty in my surroundings, treasuring kindnesses I experience, and working to be as kind and caring as someone like me can be. And of course, hanging around with animals who help me so much has made life much better.
A dog this happy has to cheer you up (one of Tarrin’s many sweet canines)Fiona thought pawing at the hay would get it out faster.Beautiful dreamerDusty enduring his bodywork sessionTake a breath and enjoy these fine animals (and Jackie the bodyworker)
The main reason I write this blog is to have a record of the good things that come through my life, like the nature, the travel, the uplifting people, and the things I learn. It may just be me talking to myself and trying to convince myself that there’s good in this messy world, but it helps. So, I’ll still be here blogging about horses, dogs, birds, and flowers.
Here I am, looking happy because I’m able to ride Drew and he likes his new saddle and pad.
You get to react to what I write however you choose to. I’m fine with that. I’m prickly, so I’m going to rub folks the wrong way, make poor word choices, and look at things from my RSD perspective sometimes. Oh well, it’s me. Who among us isn’t prickly in some way?
It hasn’t been a good day for me, mentally. I’ve been meaning all day to look up why anxiety attacks cause intense chest pain.
I need to chill like a mini donkey on a brisk, sunny morning.
Okay, I finally did. That answers one of my burning questions, ha ha.
Anxiety attacks or panic attacks can cause chest pain that mimics a heart attack. It is caused by the release of the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline during moments of acute anxiety or panic. The pain may come from contractions in the chest wall, muscle strain due to hyperventilation, or the sudden spike in blood pressure and heart rate.
It definitely feels like hormones. So, if you’ve ever had those weird symptoms, now you know.
Must chill, like Mabel.
Of course it will pass. It’s just how I’m wired, unfortunately. And I was doing my best to focus on the good stuff.
Clouds. They are good.
Poor Apache seemed to be having an anxiety attack this morning before our lesson. I was pleased that he eventually settled down and I stayed patient with him. That’s hard when you’re keyed up for non-horse related reasons!
I’m edgy.
Drew and I didn’t do all that well in our long-awaited lesson, but it’s not surprising, since we’re both learning each other. I didn’t help by being shaky, but you deal with the horse and person you get every time you ride.
Today you got a horse who wanted to stay home and chill.
Like I read in a sweeping novel of the fictionalized Old South, “Tomorrow is another day.”
No matter what, sandhill cranes make me feel better.
Let me say that I’m disappointed in myself that an election some years ago got me so messed up that I can’t stand election coverage now. My spouse loves it. So I sat with him for hours last night, watching his favorite news channel. I honestly think that could traumatize anyone, no matter what your ideas about our polarized country are. It’s just nerve-wracking.
Settle down, Suna
I awoke this morning feeling completely drained. I sure would have preferred to wake up, read a neutral summary of the results, have a sad moment, and move on. Instead, though, the first thing I read was this:
Hope cannot be defeated finally because it belongs not to the whims of fate but to the common life pulsing through our veins. Hope cannot be defeated finally by any present evil because hope is our heart’s commitment to the lives yet to be. Hope is not is the naive assurance we will reach our stated goal, only that we will find our noble path.
Jim Rigby
That put me into a better frame of mind. I began to see signs of hope and inspiration all around me. Our ranch reminded me that even though we just went through a bad drought, things are trying to come back. The plants just keep trying. Look at this new green grass! There was nothing there a few weeks ago, just dirt.
Hope
I need to shed what is confining me and move on, like my snake friends. I can’t change things, just get a new hopeful attitude.
Bye bye old skin
One true inspiration for me is the asters I’ve been enjoying all autumn. They are blooming away and providing food for so many butterflies, moths, and tiny wasps. That’s even though they’ve been repeatedly mowed. They just started over and over and bloomed even harder.
Way to go, asters.
And I spent a long time today watching the great egret patiently and persistently stalking the little fishies in the pond behind the house. Reaching your goals takes time and patience. And you may miss. A lot. It’s okay.
I’ll get that fish…eventually.
Jim’s right. Hope is necessary and part of the path that our highest and best selves strive to stay on. I’m still committed to my personal goals and morals. Nothing can stop that. I hope the same for all of you.
Just think how long these little guys waited until it was damp enough to send out their spores.
Damn! Work was a challenge today and there’s other stressful stuff lurking. But I feel, as I like to say, “way mo’ better” now.
My favorite bee fly, Poecilanthrax lucifer, even held still for me!
I knew I was in no shape to ride but knew I’d feel much better if I could hang out with the equines, so I headed outside, where it’s been a beautiful day. I got stopped in my tracks, though, when I got to the little field of asters between the chicken house and the tack room. It was practically moving, so many insects were enjoying the flowers! I felt like I was in some Disney movie where the protagonist has all these things flitting around them.
Those are just the ones that held still! I breathed deeply and enjoyed the moment before heading toward the horses. Soon stress melted away as Fiona stuck her head under my hand.
So fuzzy.
Then she made me laugh. She tugged my shirt when I tried to pet Apache.
Pay attention to ME!
I did eventually get to play with the other horses, who were BUR FREE! Apache was a little sweaty, since his winter hair has come in and it was warm outside. But he felt good to lean on and hug.
Looking good!
He also made me laugh. As I was trying to get a photo of his glorious tail flowing in the wind, he created more wind for me, the smelly kind.
I fart in your general direction!
Mabel wasn’t funny, but she was sweet and friendly. She’s a whole new mare. I feel like her name should be Mabel Grace now, looking at how she moves around the pens and glides across the pasture.
Swishy!
All these guys enjoying their late afternoon made me smile.
Fiona is still saucy.
Dusty still seems a bit subdued, but enjoyed his hugs, love, and massages.
No burs, though!
He needs a buddy and misses Drew, I think. Apache is not nice to him, but Mabel hangs out whim lots. Thank goodness! Drew will be home in just over two weeks, not that I’m counting.
Little man and big girl.
It was great to hang out and relax with my buddies. I’ll be ready for another round of challenges tomorrow.
The letter for today is apparently H. I shall start with hearts, since it’s a cheerful topic and something to be proud of. After finishing the camo blanket, I went back to work on my heart afghan I was making for Kathleen. Today I finished the heart section.
It’ darned cheerful!
It’s way too small to be useful to keep one warm, so I am already a third of the way through with making a border of squares to go around the hearts. I have ten colors of yarn for the centers and need 30 squares. That’s pretty dang good how it worked out!
After that, I’m gonna do something else as another border, probably also from that book. I have a lot of yarn. Well, except for the cream. I may need another skein of that one. All the other colors I haven’t even finished the first skein on!
Hay
I decided that since hay had gotten so expensive due to the drought, I should “harvest” what was left when the front pasture was shredded. There was some long and very nice coastal Bermuda out there that got mowed.
That’s a good amount of hay!
It was fun to pick it up. I feel ranchy!
Horses
Sometimes the horses mystify me. Both Fiona and Drew had smears of blood on them this evening.
Just a schmear.
No horse had a cut. Maybe Apache had another nosebleed? His nose looked fine, though. A mystery.
I’m still thrilled Mabel looks so much better.
Mostly they make me smile. They see me coming and pick those heads up to see if perhaps there’s food.
We see you. Is it dinner time?
When it’s been a hard day, watching their antics and rubbing those soft necks can make everything better. Which I needed.
Drew’s relaxed enough to drop and roll around with me right in front of him. Probably trying to wipe off the blood.
Headaches
Have you ever had a day where you start off sorta irritated and then actually irritating things start happening? That was me at work today. Sometimes I wonder how people get hired. Or how they keep their jobs if they don’t understand what their job entails. It’s like signing up to be a carpenter but you insist on hammering the pointy sides of nails. That’s not how nails work!
But I’m way better at shutting up these days. I didn’t write the software I support nor their job descriptions. I’ll just do my job and let their bosses notice the quality of their work.
Still. I got a headache.
Occasionally this helps.
Plus I missed a meeting this evening. My calendaring skills are something my boss should have a chat with me about.
I’m thinking a lot the past couple of days about old patterns. One I’m happy to keep around.
Granny square burritos
I’m still enjoying the granny squares. My 63 camo squares are now nine green burritos that are actually strips of seven squares. I just can’t stop until they are all joined!
The other old pattern is here.
Do you see it? Of course you don’t. You see a horse standing at a funny angle and an older woman in cowboy attire laughing at him. Here’s what I see.
I may have a body image problem
How many years of Brené Brown telling me I’m fine just as I am must I endure? How many affirming and empowering images of women of all sizes must I see? How many articles about why women tend to add belly fat after menopause must I read? Why do I still judge myself negatively when I see candid shots of myself?
Sigh.
It just goes to show that the patterns I got into as a child, where I was made fun of daily for being fatso, tub-o-lard, elephant, hippo, water buffalo, wart hog, fatty fatty two by four can’t get through the bathroom door…um, telling myself I’m fine just won’t erase. (Was that grammatical? Cut me some slack.)
Testing a lipstick on my lip wrinkles.
The gray hair? It’s fun. The wrinkles? They seem a small price to pay for wisdom. And my health is so good! But my first thought when I see my body is judgmental.
The good news is that just like how you can vary granny squares and do cool things with them, I’m able to take a second look at my body and give it permission to change. I have lots of fun with it, and not wasting time planning how to achieve some ideal pant size gives me time to enjoy my life.
Patterns that change subtly are more interesting, I think. Cheers to my charmingly imperfect mug and self!
Patterns are what they are because they are ingrained. They’re deeply grooved in your psyche and not easy to smooth out. But, progress is possible. I’m proof. I now wear shorts, sleeveless tops, and bathing suits in public. Five years ago that was not true. I’ve modified my pattern!
Later: I’m not begging to be told I’m cute or not fat or whatever. I know I’m slightly bigger than I’ve been most of my life and I’m fine with that. I know I’m fine the way I am! I’ve gotten so much better about not caring what others think, too. My point here was that the old patterns that must be in my limbic system kick in before my higher processing can react sensibly.
It’s been almost a year since I grabbed the opportunity to leave a job where it had become increasingly obvious I wasn’t wanted. The new offer was so perfect I had to accept. It’s been a great year
I mooooved on
Today I attended the yearly conference put on by my old employer. It was my first time as a customer. Customers are way more welcome than technical writer managers, so that was good. Other than accidentally starting to attend a session by one of the people who uh, um, wasn’t a fan of me, it was interesting and I learned a lot, especially from other customers.
I just breathed and thought of the beautiful sunrise. Tuesday is sunrise day, because of the 7 am meeting.
The healing came as the day went on. I’ve heard from very few people who still work at that company, which are fewer by the day. And I have not asked the ones I hear from what’s going on there; I just keep up with the products. So, I was touched that some people reached out to me today. That felt so nice, especially since people I’d asked for help before I left had not even said goodbye. Well, only one person did.
It’s okay.
But to hear kind things and learn how some folks were doing felt healing. There’d been no closure after ten years there. The good wishes helped. Right now, with my focus on keeping just what’s good in life, I’m feeling a sense of grace.
Transformation time.
Well it’s either grace or a fever from getting both the new COVID booster and a flu shot today. No horse riding today. Sore arms.
Spoiler: the rainbow was not at work. But it’s true, I’ve been in my current job 11 months and had never been to “the office” until today. Well, I’d been to the first floor of the building many times, because I’d worked there on three separate instructional design gigs from 2006-2009.
Early departure!
I had a dentist appointment in Cedar Park (same dentist I’ve had for 20 years) this morning and really didn’t want to miss 4 hours of work to do it. Why work at a coffeehouse when Dell has an entire campus full of desks and wifi, and I have a badge to get in? So after my great dental cleaning (I glossed sufficiently) I went to find where the department I’m in has its seats.
A seat.
It was hard to find the cute little place assigned to the department I’m attached to. The stairs to it are unmarked! Luckily a guy I asked happened to have found the place last week, so he showed me, and reminded me where the cafeteria and the coffee shop where Lee and I fell in love were. No coffee anymore, but there is still a little food at the cafeteria.
A ping pong table!
Whoever designed this area took lessons from whoever did the Planview interior, but this is somehow soothing with all the white and light blue. It might be a nice place to work if more people were there. Today there was one other dude. It was quiet!
It’s sorta pretty for a space where no one has their own desk.
Yes, I had to reserve a “workspace.” I felt so modern and efficient. This is something that would take time to get used to, since I make a nest out of my work area. But, that’s not my worry! I’ll probably only come back a few more times before this job expires! Working from home is great, but this was a nice break.
The chatting area. Very near the sanitizing station.
I headed home with a stop by Tractor Supply for horse and chicken food. It’s always a little shocking to see all the changes along my route now that I do t drive back and forth every week. There are new traffic lights, a new gas station, and houses going up. I’ll be back next week, so it won’t change too much.
Welcome back, clacked the storks
The weather is so weird this time of year. Halfway home I hit an intense rainstorm with hail and flash flooding. I’m glad my car has a rain mode. It was clear at the Hermits’ Rest when I got home, so I was able to feed the horses. The second I was done, rain started.
It was dry in there ten minutes earlier!
It stopped pretty quickly, so I was able to feed the chickens. I saw the sun come out, and there was the bookend to my day!
Hooray! Birds. They were watching the rainbow.
It was a good day, even with all the driving. Time to relax. I hope your day had some nice surprises!
Well, shoot, no wonder my head is full of mush, there is so much mold, fungus, and who knows what other damp-loving organisms right now after the rain. I was feeling better after taking the Mucinex, but then I went outside and did stuff with the horses and BOOM I’m a dizzy, queasy mess again. I think I need to stay in, but when you have these precious beings wandering around, you want to go out!
Someone let us out! Extra green grass!
As for things that might attack my head, I’ve seen some old and some new. The first thing I saw I have no clue what it is. It looks like strands of fungus growing on the ground. There were a bunch of large masses of them in the grass yesterday.
It could be the web of a spider, but I don’t think that’s it. Any ideas?
The weirdest thing I’ve seen, and one that has probably helped make me sick, is the aptly named dog vomit slime mold. At least I think that’s what it is. It weirdly covers all the plants. Yesterday I thought it was bird poop. Today, ewww. That is one fascinating thing.
Well, that’s an interesting thing.
There’s more “normal” stuff out there that I’ve enjoyed. I posted photos of some mushrooms yesterday that I call poop shrooms. I do not think they are “magic mushrooms,” but just normal Panaeolus antellarum. This is a mushroom that’s actually edible, but since it grows on dung, not a lot of us would really want to eat them. Certainly, there are enough to feed many people right now! Every pile of horse poop has its own little colony.
Plenty of this to go around!
There are other mushrooms that have popped up, and I’ve always enjoyed them. The inkcaps are so delicate that they wave in the wind. Watch the video; it’s so pretty.
Parasola plicatilis
Prettiest poop ever.
I wrote about this because I know it won’t last. The mold and fungi will be gone in a few days once it dries out (though I hope it rains some more).
The horses like damp hay so they dig little holes to get to where it’s still wet.
It was dry enough today to get more work done on the front pond. These silt up quickly, so it’s always good to get in there and clean them out when a dry spell comes up. We now have a mountain of beautiful dirt to spread across the pasture, and maybe make the horses a little hill to run up and down. It’s a great opportunity to make the slopes on the side a little less steep, especially where we need to mow.
You can see how big the dirt pile is by comparing it to the tree.Not a great view, but it looks good.
I’m not complaining about all these weather changes! You see so many interesting natural phenomena if you just look carefully.
The Hermits' Rest 