Whew. I got through my last day at this job pretty easily, because there was a workshop all morning that was sort of fun, other than a couple of people scowling at me for showing up. But, they couldn’t stop me!
Generic desk, devoid of Suna.
Two colleagues showed up at lunch, and we had a nice lunch in the courtyard, which is the part of the building I’ll miss the most. They then helped me load my car. My poor desk looked so empty.
It was good to see that Trevor is a real person.
At least I got to meet Trevor, the newest person on our team. He was nice in person, just like on Zoom.
t looks so fancy. I gave Anita those nice flowers for her birthday.
Then I went back to the Bobcat Lair, which doesn’t look at all like my house anymore. It should appeal to all bland people! I put a bunch of stuff in Lee’s car, so there is room in the garage for my son’s stuff to hide when they are taking pictures and showing the house.
The rug has been hiding since I got Carlton and he tried to tear it up. Nice rug.
I also did a lot of sitting and looking out the windows, because it’s so darn pretty.
This is our guest room, or would have been if it hadn’t been crammed with plants and boxes. It had a beautiful view.
Carol, our long-time friend and real estate agent, is working hard to get the house ready, and we sure do appreciate that. Things are just so crazy for me that I can’t stick around here to be of much help. But, I did a little, anyway.
Some of my wonderful book club neighbors.
Last night we had book club in the neighborhood, and they all seemed glad that Anita and I plan to continue to attend, even when we no longer live in Austin. I told Anita she could share my hotel room. I’d even give her a ride. (Sorry I didn’t get good photos of everyone; I love them all.)
Very sad friends.
My friends were SO sad about the house going on the market. But we had a great time. Friends make even hard transitions a little easier.
Today I went in to Austin, because it’s book club day, and the day after Anita’s birthday. I must hand out post-birthday hugs! And, I must remove things from the Bobcat Lair house, because the garage is full and they can’t store anything else in it to get ready for staging and photographs. Leaving my sanctuary is hard, hard, hard for me. I love the house, the neighborhood, my roommate, and the fantastic neighbors there. But, it makes sense to sell now, while it’s worth a lot of money (no matter how hideous we apparently made it when we lived there), and Lee and I need retirement income.
While I’m not feeling terribly happy right now, I do have my stickers on inanimate objects that I’ve had for many years. Luckily this lamp goes home with me.
I’m also in Austin so I can get ready to vacate my office at the company where I’ve worked ten years. I can tell you one thing: a Suna can accumulate a LOT of stuff in ten years, especially when she was still saving “important” papers from all her jobs since 2006.
I’m guessing Polycom is not going to ask me to do any more e-learning videos with so many acronyms they’re incomprehensible ever again, so I threw that stuff away. I also have stuff from every other time I’ve worked at Dell, and I’m not sure why those things were so important, either. I didn’t throw away all my old work pictures and stuff from when I had walls. I must find a place for my framed Breathe and Exhale images. I’ve loved them for so long that they are faded.
My stuff. It’s really not that much. One box is mostly Christmas decor.
This smiling face gets left at the office, since it’s on my monitor support beam.
Anyway, I have been having some wonderful conversations with colleagues that have made me feel better about my image in the company (no, it’s not all negative after all, which I suspected). I just got on the wrong side of some political thing or another, and that’s all I need to know. I do want to make this known: there are some absolutely wonderful folks in the place I’ve been working, with life experiences and ideas I’m so glad to have had a chance to learn about. I’m hoping the company thrives and moves forward, because its people are making such an effort.
I left this on the whiteboard.
Still, I am all excited about my new role, and not just because I get to keep working with material I helped create many years ago. I always like meeting smart new people. My new boss even sends nice emails! And my new laptop comes tomorrow. I’m ready to roll with the changes, whatever they may be.
I’ll miss this three-monitor setup, the adjustable-height desk, and of course the free fruit and beverages. I won’t miss the concrete pillar in front of me or working in the least-pleasant area of the whole building. And yes, I had a rear-view mirror. No sneaking up on me!
The field across the road from us was planted in cotton this year. Sometimes it’s corn or milo, bur this year was cotton. To me, it’s. The worst crop, because it takes so many chemicals to grow, from fertilizers to herbicides to defoliants.
Cotton, plus the cotton-moving tractor
I had been enjoying the cotton the last couple of weeks, because it made the field look snowy. I also like when it’s blooming. Cotton blossoms are so pretty.
Cotton blossom, from a cotton festival page.
I’m usually at work when they do the harvesting of cotton, but since I’ve been at home this time, and my nerves make me go for a lot of walk, I had some good times observing the harvest.
The harvesters as seen from our property.
If you know all about that, well, ignore this post. But if you think of cotton as being the thing that you take off your nail polish with or that makes up your t-shirts, you might like to see what they do to get the cotton off the plants.
There were two huge harvesting machines that went up and down, picking the cotton and putting it in giant round bales. The machines separate the cotton in the bolls from the stems, but I don’t think it takes the seeds out. I think they go to a cotton gin for that.
The machine on the right is about to poop out a bale. That is not the technical term, I’m pretty sure.
The machines must be very persnickety, because the guys brought a special pickup truck with lots and lots of tools for making repairs. They stopped to work on them a lot. But they made lots of cool stripes of brown amid the white.
See how snowy the unharvested parts are?
Once the machines poop out all the bales, a regular tractor comes along and picks the bales up, lining them up on the edge of the field. That will make them easier to take away to wherever it is that they take cotton.
I think the bales are really pretty. I was amazed at how much cotton came out of that field! It’s not that big of a field, but there is lots of white stuff there now.
Partway through.
I like picking up bits that blow off and looking at it. I can see how people can spin it, when the seeds are removed. In any case, it’s sometimes fun to have a wee bit of agriculture to watch. This is the only cultivated field on our entire road! The rest is cow pasture, woods, or flood plain. And our lovely ranch houses, of course.
Cottony soft!
I also enjoyed the pretty skies yesterday when I took these pictures. It’s getting cloudy now. And today’s post-harvest work involved plowing in the plants, which has created clouds and clouds of dust. It was not fun to go shut the gate with that business going on. Now I know how the dust bowl happened, plowing in all this dry weather.
Thanks for bearing with me while I avoid ranting for another couple of days.
So, I’ve had to get two new tires in the past few months, and now Lee had his own tire surprise. As he was turning onto the main road in Cameron, he heard a noise and lost ten pounds of air pressure.
What the heck?
He made it to the tire store before it lost all its air. We were all surprised by the photo above. How did a nut driver get into his tire? It’s so big. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something this big get it. Lee says it must have been sticking up at just the right angle. That poor man has sure had a lot of breakdowns and such lately.
The culprit.
At least it could be repaired. I hope it’s a good one, because I have to drive the Tahoe to Austin tomorrow so I can put stuff in it from the Bobcat house. There’s no more room in the garage for things the stager rejects.
That house has got to go on the market! I’m sorta scared to go in there in case I might muss something up.
I’d rather be with Penney running around in the empty pool.
Not really looking forward to the last two days at work. I’ll miss my desk, the courtyard, and the coffee machines.
If, by any chance, you were wondering what was going on with the swimming pool project, well, it was taking a rest, waiting for the crew that makes the pool lining to be available. Today, like a thundering herd, many trucks and many workers showed up, before 8 am. The dogs have been barking since.
Here come the trucks.
They need a lot of trucks, because one bunch of trucks carries the shotcrete mixture, or gunite, while another powers the machine that shoots the mixture through a hose. Actually, the ingredients for the shotcrete are mixed as they come out of the truck. There is a sand area (the sand is finely ground granite) and a concrete bin in the trucks.
What’s in the truck (through the screen)
Crushed granite, something there is plenty of here.
The generator thing is to the right
They used a lot of our water
Shooting the mix. You can see pegboard here.
There was a lot of preparation before all the shooting, however. They use pegboard to make the barriers to shoot against. It’s all flexible, and lets any excess stuff ooze out. That was quite cool to watch.
Before they started
Random working images
They brought in at least three loads of the gunite mix, and it went everywhere! Luckily they put up a barrier, so it wouldn’t get all over our back porch or windows. That did mess up Lee’s and my ability to watch them, though.
Blinded. Also lost focus.
We have gotten plenty of watching in, however. The masons smoothing the stuff out are real artists and good at geometry, too. They got the hot tub in a perfect circle, and I watched as the guy made the bowl for the fire pit. It looked like lots of fun making the benches and the edges all smooth.
Scraping away – note how rough the fire bowl looks.
Here the deep end bench is in progress, and you can see the smoothing tools.
Now the bench and fire bowl are smooth, and the pit is started.
I was surprised to see workers sitting on the edge of the hot tub and on the “beach” area, but it turns out the stuff is practically dry when it sprays out! Our job for the next week or two will be to water it down every day while it cures.
The hot tub looks so “organic” and rounded.
But, by gosh, it looks like a “real” swimming pool now that they are done! We have steps, a tiny beach, a sitting area, a hot tub, and the fire pit structure. Wow. Bonus: Lee says they made it a bit deeper for him, so he won’t worry about hitting bottom if he wants to jump in.
Bench area complete
Steps leading from “beach”
Fire pit is all done
Looking from the deep end to the shallow
Looking from the shallow to the deep end. You can see where the waterfall will be.
There will be sanding next, then plastering with the really cool mica mixture that will make the pool shiny. And then will be the fun of tiling and putting in the decking. Plenty more steps, but this was the big one!
I hope you enjoyed a break from me ranting and writing book reports.
This was written sort of without editing. I’m glad I have a place to mull over my thoughts, even ones I will find silly tomorrow after some sleep.
Suna the self absorbed (yet another put-down label; maybe that should be introspective)
I’ve been thinking and thinking about a meme I saw earlier this week. It’s one of those things that’s intended to empower and embolden women in the workplace and beyond. I used to take those things to heart and work hard to be my authentic self.
Authentic me, pondering.
I added: Negative: Keep pointing out problems.
I grew up being told to be quiet, that children should be seen and not heard. I was labeled bossy, a lot, for being assertive. I asked way to many questions. When there was an elephant in a room, I pointed it out. These were not good. I was difficult.
Also, I was empathetic, tried to help others, and didn’t mind sharing credit. I asked things politely rather than barking out orders, and didn’t mind at all explaining why I wanted things done a certain way. I felt like that got buy-in and created cohesive teams. That was good, I think.
It can truly be exhausting to have to pretend you are someone you’re not in order to keep a job, keep the peace, keep your reputation, etc. And whoa, have I done a lot of all those things in the past few years. I’ve been constantly checking my Zoom camera to be sure I’m smiling and looking pleasant in meetings. I’ve deleted and rewritten so many emails, chat posts, Facebook statuses, and so on. I do pretty well most of the time.
But, damn, when you are suffering from anxiety and dealing with a lot of difficult family and work situations, you can let your real self leak out without meaning to. You can express an actual opinion, point out something that’s not right, ask if something is true or the best thing to do, use the wrong tone of voice (guilty as charged)…you know, all those things that get you labeled like the ones that are in that meme.
Can we, as women, who are expected to smooth things over, agree with what the leaders say, follow instructions rather than making rules, and all those frustrating unspoken expectations, ever, actually be ourselves? What if yourself is sarcastic? What if yourself gets tired of inefficiency? What if yourself gets irritated when told to just follow orders when you’re used to helping make decisions? (Or if you are my male spouse, your real self is tired of being told not to be so brusque. They have their own sets of expectations.)
Nope, we can’t be those selves. We have to spend years in therapy, reading self-help books, and getting sanctimonious “coaching” from our bosses, so we can meekly fit in, and only speak up when it’s time to do what we are asked to do.
The dogs don’t even try to be fake.
So, no, I do not plan to act on the meme above. I give up. I think it’s just as stressful and unproductive to let my more prickly nature show as to try to smooth my nature out to meet expectations. I’ve thought about this a lot. I’m not going to make waves, express my opinions, or debate in work or public.
I’ll be me with my inner circle, and just do what I have to do to get by with others. I’ll make a bad impression to some and a good impression to others and it won’t matter at all, in the long run. The key is that I won’t be stressing myself out either trying to conform or trying to be my fierce self. No wonder both Lee and I are plumb tired. We’re tired of trying to matter.
I’m tired of being tired. The price of authenticity is just too high for me.
Today, Trixie was supposed to come and look at Apache’s feet, but Drew stole the show. I had gotten both of the horses, in preparation for her arrival, and Apache was quietly waiting for us in his pen. As we walked up, we couldn’t see Drew. Where was he?
having his spa day
Yep, he’d decided to just take a nice nap on the warm sand. That’s a sign that a horse is comfortable with the people he’s around. The best part is that he didn’t jump to his feet when we approached, like most horses would. As prey animals, they are always alert.
Zzzz
The fisr thing Trixie did was check out the big paint’s head, because it seemed sore. Drew got up and watched that intently, standing close so I could rub him. Trixie remarked that Drew really seems to be a people horse.
Apache’s feet are looking great, by the way, and he’s looking more and more normal. He even shrunk a horseshoe size. As he was being a model farrier client, I realize that I had lost Drew.
It’s more cozy over here.
He shifted again and really fell asleep, with fluttering eyelids, and deep, deep breathing. That was one comfortable animal.
I feel safe here. It’s where my food lives.
We could not stop laughing as he kept snoozing away even when Apache was finished and left. His little lips were quivering like he was having a nice dream. Damn, it was cute.
Melts our hearts.
Once we finally got him up, he got some spa treatment, as Trixie massaged his gums like she had done for Apache. We think he liked it.
It tickled!
He then let his front hooves get trimmed, but still was no good on the back, so Trixie is gonna come tomorrow and work on his issues again. He still walks a little. Funny, and we want him all ready and happy for training.
I guess I’m in love with both these equine wonders. My heart swells with love when I see how much progress we are making together.
Chickens and Snakes
I heard a loud noise last night from the chicken coop, and this morning I discovered something had gone after Babette. Her head is a mess, but she seems okay. In case Bruce did it, I separated her from the others, except Star, who is still setting on her eggs.
Good news
But it is not all bad! Blanca, the True Blue hen, finally started laying yesterday! What beautiful eggs she lays. Sky blue! Now we’re just waiting on Betty the Easter Egger to give us some green eggs, and Billie Idyl.
My latest find
When I was out fetching the horses, I spotted this snakeskin, most likely a rat snake. It has these cool ribbon-like segments, I guess from its belly. I’m glad Trixie liked it as much as I did.
Well, this was fun. My new laptop is also a giant tablet. I typed this from my chair, with the computer flat. I am fancy now.
No, I didn’t get a new bed covering. I’ve just gotten so much comfort from this semi-tubby, big-hearted paint horse. Today, this guy left me feeling 100% better after yet another day of surprises and confusion.
Just chilling
I hadn’t been riding too much in the past couple of weeks, because I really don’t think it’s a good idea to climb up on a thousand-pound animal when you’re having anxiety attacks, even if it’s your friend.
I’m your friend. I’ll just stand here, even without a lead rope. And yes, people commonly put the bridle over the halter.
I have been hanging out with the horses a lot, though, and they’ve all acted like they cared about me, with lots of rubs and hanging out. But Apache has been so sweet. He’s always looking for me. Today, when I went to get him to ride, because I was feeling better, both he and Drew galloped up, while the others hardly noticed. Sure, they probably wanted food. But it made me feel good.
They eventually got food.
But it’s today’s ride that brought me the most comfort. It was the kind of ride I’d dreamed of my whole life. My horse and I were trusting each other, paying attention, and having fun while working on new things. Wow.
He was paying attention to me, even when he wasn’t doing what I asked. That meant it was easy to correct things and start again. We trotted and walked and made our circles. We went into the dry lot I use as a mini-arena and we did all sorts of things. He started to do what he wanted as we headed toward the pens, but I was able to get his attention and have him do circles until he was doing better. I did real ones, which I hadn’t managed before.
I saw it.
We then went all over the parts of the front field where he used to go wild and eat grass constantly. None of that happened. We just rode where I aimed him.
What I saw while feeding horses.
But what truly comforted me and warmed my heart was what he did before and after the ride. Before starting, I had to shew both Granny and Fiona out of the round pen, and rather than start to graze or wander off, he patiently stood where I left him. And after I got off, he waited again while I messed with my helmet and stuff, then leaned his sweaty neck against me, like he was saying he had fun, too.
Sun sets over the ranch house.
I’ve got such a true and patient friend in Apache. He’s kindly waited for me to develop the confidence and skills to become partners and learn together. And I was patient while I waited for him to heal from his laminitis and hoof abscess. He’s paying me back!
And the sun sets on contented people and horses.
Yeah. Being able to find comfort and stability even amid tough changes, an endless pandemic, and divisiveness around every corner…that’s a treasure.
I didn’t think I’d love the writing in a book as much as I loved Olive Kitteridge, but here I am, prepared to gush over Olive Again, by Elizabeth Strout, the woman of the bestest words ever. I keep reading paragraphs over and over, just marveling at how Strout manages to capture the inner lives of her characters so succinctly, yet evocatively. As I read her work, I am constantly seeing vivid scenes and smelling all the smells of Maine, yet she doesn’t write long, descriptive paragraphs full of endless adjectives and adverbs. Nope. She uses just enough words to do the job. That’s a writer, all right.
As always, Olive appears in each chapter, though she is often not the protagonist, and most chapters aren’t from her point of view. You get to meet many new people, as well as some of the folks from the previous book, and see how small things affect their lives so profoundly.
You learn that people really, really, don’t understand what’s going on in other people’s lives, and especially in their minds. I really needed some of this knowledge this week, as I come to grips with the fact that there are people I have known all my life who live in an entirely different reality from mine, and for whom the facts as I see them just aren’t relevant to them. It’s the same in Crosby, Maine.
Thanks to Strout, I learned many new definitions of love, too, and how it fits into people’s lives and fills the gaps in their loneliness. The point in both the Olive books seems to be that bad things happening isn’t the worst part of people’s lives, it’s a lack of connection to others. I think she’s absolutely right about that. Here’s what the character Bobby says in the “Exiles” chapter:
And it came to him then that it should never be taken lightly, the essential loneliness of people, that the choices they made to keep themselves from that gaping darkness were choices that required respect.
p. 195
If I were writing an actual book report, I’d cite Bobby’s musing as Strout’s “thesis statement.” That’s the essence of both the Olive books.
And what fills my heart with comfort is that each individual you glimpse in this book finds their own reason to keep going and to figure out their path in life. I’m going to borrow the reason that Suzanne states in the chapter called “Helped.”
I think our job – maybe even our duty – is…to bear the burden of the mystery with as much grace as we can.
p. 116
This type of spirituality permeates Strout’s writings. She sees the divine in Nature and never lets the reader forget it for one second. I’ll see her sparkling waters and intensely yellow autumn leaves often in my own mind.
This was the book I needed to be reading right now, today. I hope you pick it up and it speaks to you, wherever you are on your life’s path.
It has been a long time since I got a new laptop for myself. I’d been getting along with the one from work and a Surface, but it ended up just being easier to use the work one, since most of my stuff is web-based.
But, I realized I needed something new with the new job, because it’s not going to last all that long and I’ll just use it when I am working (maybe that will keep me from answering work email and messages when I’m not working, since I’m no longer in management).
So, I got myself another large laptop (I just LIKE the big ones), and it showed up the next day. Today I had time to set it up (and my hands aren’t shaking so much from the drama around me). I tell you what, I was really surprised to find out how easy it is now to get all up and running on a new system.
The computer just talked to me and told me what to do, then I logged on to my Microsoft and Google accounts…and boom, there was all my stuff. I didn’t have to install anything, look up a million passwords, or anything like that. Things just work. I guess they learned something from the Apple computers.
I have created an awkward corner in my office/den. but I can easily work on two different computers now!
The new screen is really nice, and I don’t have to wear my computer glasses to use it, at least for reading email and blogging. That’s nice. The camera is not as good as the fancy one I use on the other system, so I’ll probably switch that. Otherwise, I think I did a good job. I didn’t get the snazziest one, but not a generic one either. It’s just right.
I still need to find one of my many “spare” mice, or mouses, because I still hate those touchpad. But, I do have the touch screen option, and I love those. Oh, and I temporarily made myself an el-shaped desk, using my sad old secretary. Eventually I’m going to have a better two-computer setup, but this will do!
Here I am, writing this blog post.
Now, to go deal with stuff. Honest, I’m not even the one dealing with the stuff. I’m really, really grateful for family and friends right now.
The Hermits' Rest 