Time for more of that honesty that people either like or have become tired of lately.
Sometimes life feels like an unpleasant amusement park ride. I hate Ferris wheels.
I’ve been dealing with some painful consequences of mental illness for the past few weeks, both my own and the issues of others. I wouldn’t wish some of the struggles I’ve seen on anyone. It’s particularly hard, because it seems to come from innate struggles (along with “nurture” problems, many of which stem from being raised by people whose mental illnesses caused them to inflict pain on those around them). And I got so down that I managed to forget what caused it until a friend reminded me there’s a name for what I deal with.
Somewhere among my mother’s maternal ancestors, some powerful genes that make life hard for those who inherited them got wedged firmly in the family line. I don’t know how far back it goes, or which part of my grandmother’s family passed the issues on to her and her siblings, but wow, it left a strong legacy.
Moonrise in the night. Like a light in a dark time.
I’m going to say this: I love my children, but I’m sorry that I passed on the tendency to have severe depression, bipolar, learning disabilities, and narcissism on to them. I am truly grateful that they are not extending this line forward, even though the good parts (intelligence, artistic gifts, and the ability to write well) won’t move forward to future generations, either. That’s difficult to say but seeing how my family inflict pain on each other and how deeply it affects the two of us plagued by RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) I just don’t want it to continue.
I don’t blame any member of my mother’s family for behaving how they do and making the choices they make. A combination of inherited instability and “abuse” (for lack of a better word) can make people do weird things to try to bring peace into their lives. My sister has cut off the rest of her biological family from her life. I do understand how, from her perspective, it’s what she needs to do, but I can still wish she’d gotten the help she needed and enabled the family who love her, warts and all, to be a part of her life.
The view from my Rapunzel Tower at sunset
On the other hand, those of us who have had to try to find ways to deal with how members of my mom’s family treated us are probably better off ending that pattern. My insane drive to not be rejected or abandoned has led me to try way too hard to please people who can’t be pleased, and that’s not helpful to any of us. Anyway, the struggle is real, and I’m back on track to managing my own issues better again, and I wish everyone else well as they deal with their issues.
I’d actually gotten pretty darn good at not blaming myself for every single thing people close to me say, do, or seem to do in my messed-up brain. I just slipped, and as I was trying to express this morning when talking to a therapist friend, you can intellectually know there will be setbacks in mental health recovery, but your limbic system still gets all out of whack. Repeat after me: other people’s actions are their responsibility.
There’s where I sit.
Dealing with all this while holed up in a tiny room like a short-haired Rapunzel in her tower is not ideal. But I can always find ways to cope. At least I can watch Amazon Prime without worrying Lee about using up all our bandwidth. So, I watched three nice movies yesterday and that helped a lot! I watched Air, 80 for Brady, and Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris. All movies with strong women who made me smile.
Nice random people!The other side of sunsetA tiny bird who flew very high
Plus, there’s always random people you meet, along with the sunrises, sunsets, birds, and bats. This Rapunzel really isn’t trapped in her tower at all.
Well, I found out one thing that’s wrong with me. More accurately I have finally identified the name of the syndrome that reflects the set of symptoms I’ve been trying to cope with my whole life. And great news, it’s not curable! To be honest, though, just knowing how I feel is an actual “thing” that other people share helps a lot. Here’s how I came to realize that I have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). I have words for my mental issues!
As sometimes happens, the same message kept coming to me yesterday. First, one of my Master Naturalist friends posted about a book she was getting ready to read, The Courage to Be Disliked, by Ichiro Kishimi and Funitake Koga (2018). It’s not a brand-new book, but I hadn’t heard of it before.
If I hadn’t heard of it before, how is it on my desk?
I said in response to the Facebook post that it sounded like a book I needed to read, given my weird drive to act in ways that I think would make people I care about like me. She posted a link to the book, and I resolved to get a copy. Then, this showed up on my Facebook feed.
From Tiny Buddha, one of my favorite sources of inspiration.
I went to tell Lee about that coincidence, and he said I didn’t need to buy the book, because he’d already bought it and gotten through some of it, but he wasn’t enamored of the style. Sure enough, there it was (and that’s how I got a photo of it). Obviously (at least to me) the Universe was trying to tell me something!
And the Universe was right. I’ve shared before how I’ve been hurt by people judging me and how I seem to attract people who feel the need to let me know just exactly how awful they think I am. If it’s someone I don’t care that much about, I handle it pretty well (like our former contractor’s wife who took it upon herself to write me a letter telling me why she didn’t want to be my friend, because of…whatever, who cares?). I had another one of those happen just last month.
Do I want to hide in a cool dark place like this toad? Sometimes. Don’t we all?
Some do hurt. A former coworker I was always there for when bad things happened to her, who I listened to cry and bemoan the loss of pets and partners, etc., told me that no, she didn’t want to have lunch with me before she moved away to be happy with her new partner, because she only had time to see a few people, and you know, we’d see each other on social media. Ouch. I got to enjoy seeing photos of all the people she did care about enough to see.
Here, Suna, enjoy some hardy flowers. That will help.
Those are just examples. Therapy and long discussions have made it clear to me that I’m not always the one with the problem, and that my sensitivity to rejection came from childhood when my mother’s mental issues made her unavailable to me and my father’s conditions on love made me go well out of my way to be perfect to make him like me. This continued with future relationships and led to all sorts of mental mayhem for me. But, I’ve got tools to help me deal with it now, for the most part. Just sometimes, one backslides.
It does sorta make me feel prickly as a buffalo bur, but hey, flies like them.
I backslid last night. I spend nearly all night lying awake watching a parade of my (perceived) mistakes, hurtful things people have said and done with me, especially family members on my mom’s side (my great aunt wrote and demanded a beloved ring be returned because I was not a good enough niece, and my half-sister just up and left one day (taking nothing with her) and hasn’t spoken to me since last fall. I don’t even know how to get in touch with her other than through a third party. Members of my mom’s family have just never liked me, for exciting reasons like I’m a bastard (Mom didn’t annul her first abusive marriage), I was “fat” (leading me to do the Atkins diet when it first came out and I was only 11 years old to try to make them stop picking on me), and I didn’t do very well with “children should be seen and not heard.”
Yeah, TMI, Suna. Too bad, it’s my blog. I ended up posting the link to the Tiny Buddha, then in the middle of the night, I wrote:
I’ve been awake most of the night dwelling on how many times I’ve tried to change who I am to get people to like me. Starting from childhood, so it’s a long list. I get hurt so deeply by rejection and some people have relished doing it. I get better then I backslide. I know it’s normal to do that. I’m working not to be so hard on myself when I let it get to me. I keep repeating that no one is universally beloved!
agitated Suna
I immediately regretted it, because when I re-read it, I felt like it was just begging people to say they liked me, but that actually wasn’t my intention. I am completely aware that there are many fine people who like me!
On the other hand, I’m so glad I did post it, because a wise friend of mine (whose dear friend is one of those people I truly love and care about who got mad at me and disappeared without telling me why) said (paraphrasing), hey, that looks a lot like Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, something that comes up a lot in the ADHD world. Another wise woman posted this link, which opened my eyes WIDE in the middle of the night.
Here’s what the article, “Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and ADHD: What to Know,” said:
The symptoms of RSD can vary among individuals, but they may include:
Obsessively thinking about negative experiences, especially experiences of perceived or actual rejection (only last night)
Perceiving rejection when it is not actually occurring (me)
Viewing minor rejections as catastrophic (me)
Misreading constructive criticism, or requests for more information as rejection (me, but I’m lots better)
A sense that you’re not liked by others (me, but often I’m right)
Low self-esteem based on how you feel others relate to you
Social withdrawal (me)
Negative self-talk (formerly me)
Emotional outbursts (rare now but unpleasant)
Perfectionism or people-pleasing tendencies (sadly, formerly me)
Although symptoms of RSD can mimic other conditions, one distinguishing factor is that symptoms of RSD tend to come on suddenly and can feel very intense.
This article: What Is Rejection Sensitivity? provided me with more “aha” moments when it defined rejection sensitivity, which isn’t quite the same as RSD.
Misinterpret harmless or mildly negative social cues or behaviors as blatant rejection (improving)
Ignore other explanations or reasons for the perceived rejection, including reassurances from the perceived rejector (I try not to do this)
Expect rejection and overreact to any type of negative social cues (me)
Be avoidant and anxious in romantic relationships (me)
Pay more attention to all of the times they were rejected than the times they were accepted (working on this)
Evaluate every interaction for perceived rejections (I don’t think I do this)
I don’t do all those things, but wow, this hits so close to home. I can’t tell you how many times I have been told I’m too sensitive, that I over-react, etc. It gets to where I have a hard time identifying when I am actually being treated poorly, so I let it go on a lot longer than I probably should, thinking it’s all in my head. I end up avoiding certain people or situations, so I won’t do that embarrassing overreaction to criticism. Lordy.
And of course, there aren’t any great drugs other than the kind I already take to deal with my anxiety. The article also suggests “cognitive behavior therapy, and stress-relief strategies.” I have those up the wazoo! And they do help, so much of the time.
I guess I’m writing all this down to remind myself that I have challenges to deal with and that I need to be gentler with myself when I can’t cope as well as I’d like to. Certainly, rehashing every mean thing anyone ever did to me is not helpful AT ALL. So, I now know what it is that I’m dealing with, and I’ll get on with dealing with it. We all have our struggles and challenges, and mine at least lead me to try to be kind to people! (I do not think I have ADHD, though, so lucky me, I got the RSD without that issue.)
These animals like me, which is helpful.
So, thanks to everyone who rallies around me and supports me. While the line above about putting more emphasis on negative feedback than positive may have been true in the past, I am much better now about really appreciating the people around me who are kind, who listen, and who patiently remind me that they do care, even when I repeatedly ask.
And to those of you who need to give me negative feedback, know that much of it IS appreciated and taken in the constructive spirit it’s given…it just takes me a while to get there, thanks to the RSD.
The Hermits' Rest 