goals – The Hermits' Rest

Hard Goals

What was the hardest personal goal you’ve set for yourself?

As tired as I am, I can answer this one (I don’t answer blog prompts lately because I’ve answered most of them). That’s good, because it was another day of barely getting through work and not being able to do much more.

I finished coloring this. It took a week or so in small doses.

So, I’ve probably mentioned this before and will again. But for years I had a hard time being the person I felt I could be, and it turns out I had a lot to do with it. Thanks to some issues in my birth family and an inherently sensitive nature, I was always very hard on myself.

I never met my own expectations. Any mistake I made lingered in my mind for a long time. I’d replay “dumb” things I said over and over. And I would constantly talk to myself in ways no one would talk to someone they cared about. I was ugly, fat, stupid, and so on. I was not nice to me.

Since I AM actually pretty smart and intuitive, I figured out that I was not helping myself with the negative self talk. So I had some therapy, talked things out with a group of safe and understanding women, meditated (a lot, still do), and read.

I’m very pleased to have come across the writing of Brené Brown. I’m also pleased someone made me read a self-help book. I find most of them really simplistic or not right for me. Her first few books opened my eyes to how much I was affecting my own self worth, and by that, encouraging others to pick at me or devalue me. Figuring out that I wasn’t the only one doing this to myself was a huge revelation. I got a much better outlook and began to heal.

I got tested a lot in this healing phase. Since I came to Cameron, a couple of people (who of course are suffering from their own internal battles) tried their best to break me down, give the community a bad impression of me, and hurt others I cared about. I’ve had some very hard times here in rural Texas, where even in a good day I’m a square peg not even trying to fit into a round hole.

But, one day, right after a very mean person was mean to me, something snapped in my brain. I told my patterns I was sick and tired of them and vowed to reframe the situation every time I started to berate myself.

Get this. It worked. After a while, weird thoughts like how good I felt, or how peaceful life was began to replace sadness. My negativity patterns have gone into background mode, and I feel so much better. Sure, that stuff is still down there and today’s trying times make feeling good about anything difficult. Yet, I honestly feel good about myself, like myself, and don’t beat myself up when I screw up (much). And of course, the horse riding lessons helped me practice gaining self confidence.

I kept telling myself I was fine just as I was and that it’s perfectly okay that not everybody likes me until it became true. I’ve even learned a bit about how to perform the once-mysterious act of “letting other people’s negativity slide right off my back.”

Maybe that’s why these bluebirds of happiness keep following me.

I try to cut others some slack, and accept those around me who confuse me just as they are. I just hope they find peace and joy on their path.

Who IS THIS version of Suna? She’s different. Not perfect, not better than anyone else, but at a good place in her spiritual journey.

So, blog prompt readers, loving myself and treating myself kindly were my hardest goals.

Now I’ll move on towards being less judgmental (making good progress), and being so afraid to speak up about what I see as wrong. There’s always room for improvement!

The Goal: Don’t Fall Down

How do you plan your goals?

As my husband and goal-fixated friends know, I’ve never been one of those people who have goals for every day, week, month, quarter, year, and decade. These folks derive much benefit from analyzing their progress and figuring out their strategies. I used to really admire my friend Russell and his goal-setting (and achieving) prowess. Goals really motivate most people.

Lee had a goal to rid the pasture of giant bur plants. Much progress was made.

I just can’t do it. I’m too much of a “live in the moment” person who changes focus according to my needs. Goals just seem like tedious looming deadlines. I don’t know what I plan to do in the next decade. Not die?

Green Heron’s goal was to be a high wire acrobat. Win! I’d never seen one on an electric wire before!

Oh of course there are things I’d like to do, like visit natural wonders, become a better naturalist, finish my temperature blanket for this year, etc. I’m just not into exact dates and step-by-step plans. Life is not a race with some prize at the end if we make our goals. We don’t all have to set goals in the same way. That’s fine.

I do admit to having short-term goals. One is to not fall off my horse. I succeeded today!

You haven’t fallen off me in years! But that one time was enough. Photo by Lee.

Poor Drew got spooked big time during my lesson (when he was already a little antsy). Tarrin’s golden baby horse got the zoomies when Drew was fixated on her lovely mother. I thought Drew was going to jump out of his skin as he bolted backwards. But I stayed on, and Tarrin grabbed him to help him calm down. He was hugging her with his neck and started licking her! Poor guy was scared. But I win! I held on. I’m glad I had on my sticky riding pants!

Only Drew photo I got today. He’s a little pudgy. (That’s my helmet on Apache’s saddle—he’s my beast of burden.)

This was another piece of evidence for something that had been on my mind. I’m wondering if he can hear well. We did a few informal tests this afternoon and…hmm. That could explain why he never looks up when I call him, and some of his reactions. We will have to investigate further. Did his mystery injury cause it? The big ole donkey hoof to the head he got?

Luckily, Apache seems just fine. We are making lots of straightness progress, we are re-learning the side pass, and I’m getting better at riding with one hand on the reins. He is so much happier these days. But he does seem to have to pee every time we head back to the RV after our lessons! He’s working his back muscles, apparently, and that makes you have to go.

It’s a natural bodily function. I sit up to relieve pressure.

My goal for Apache was to be able to ride him calmly and enjoy it. We are getting there! See I had a goal!

Mom! That picture was embarrassing! Photo by Lee.

Maybe I Had a Goal

To preface this, I note that I’ve always hated having to think about goals. You know, like these. What’s your goal for this month? For this year? Give me five SMART goals for your next year so we can grade you on it! What’s your financial planning goal? Worse are planners where you have to have goals for the day, the week, the month. Ugh. Not for me.

I just want to look at plants and ride horses. And knit.

I honestly don’t like to spend so much time living in the future and trying to get to something that may not matter by the time you get there. Hmm, reminds me of my goal to be a linguistics professor. Turns out I didn’t want to be one.

I did learn a lot in school, but I learn from plants, too.

Okay, so, I prefer to live in the present as much as possible and do what seems right at the time. But of course I need to plan things. And I have intentions, like going out in the RV at least once a month. But that’s not a goal. I won’t feel like I failed if we skip a month.

Still, I think there are goals hiding here and there that I don’t admit to myself. Today I achieved one and it felt good!

I’m finally to the stage of riding horses where it’s fun!

I think my goal when I started training with Tarrin was to be able to ride well enough to not have to concentrate on every tiny thing I was doing and not to worry that something bad was going to happen. With Apache, something scary was always happening. We weren’t partners at all.

Today, though, in our very hot and humid lesson, I suddenly realized I was enjoying myself and working on refining my skills, not fumbling around trying to remember to use this leg or that one, look with my belly button and not rely on my reins so much.

I even started laughing when I realized that Drew’s challenging issues turning left were fun to address, not scary.

And when Tarrin showed me how to properly ride with one rein, I enjoyed trying to get better at it. Woo hoo! Tarrin said it’s like something just clicked, and I moved to a new level. I think she’s right. My seat improved, my balance is good, my legs do stuff when they should, I make corrections at appropriate times…all stuff I struggled with recently.

I did better with Apache, but we were too busy for photos then. But look! One hand!

I made my goal! I even like trotting. It turns out that I’m better at it AND Apache is trotting better, too. Together we have supported each other as we each improve. That’s partnership growing. No wonder we have fun together now, even if we get all sweaty. He’s figuring stuff out, too (like cantering, which gets better every week).

He’s in the best shape of his life, which helps him improve.

And riding Drew is no longer something I dread. We are getting used to each other, too. I’m happier and happier with his progress toward being consistent and compliant.

I’m proud of myself for focusing on how straight I’m sitting in the saddle and how good my hands look rather than my unflattering outfit. That shirt sure kept me cool! Better acceptance of my 65-year-old shape is another hidden goal.

Today he was having a little left side issue, but Tarrin helped him work through it. I love that she listens to horses and helps them out so that they can then easily do what she asks.

I’ll allow myself horse goals, but I’m not putting a “do it by” date on them. I want to ride Drew in a show. And I want to canter on Apache. It will take as long as it takes. And I’ll have FUN getting there.

Stay safe. If you live near me, stay hydrated. Stay indoors if you have breathing problems, because there’s smoke from Mexican sugar cane harvesting out there. Such weird weather everywhere!

(If this makes no sense, it’s because I’m really tired.)

Do I Have a Tagline?

If humans had taglines, what would yours be?

Suna, she means well, honest

Yep. I think that does it. Now that I’ve stopped trying to please people who aren’t going to be pleased, now that I accept and like my flawed self, and now that my goals focus on enjoying watching the seasons pass and spreading kindness, I’m fine with a tagline that acknowledges my attempts often fall short of the mark. What matters to me most is that my intentions are to be a good person who leaves the world in a better place when I’m gone.

The tagline may not sound like much, but it’s been hard to get there. I work every day to be less judgmental, less sarcastic, and more accepting of people who aren’t like me. It’s a good goal.

View from hotel room in Cedar Park, Texas. I miss the limestone and the hills of where I used to live sometimes. Not enough to live in the suburbs again. Ever. Please.

Tonight my goal is to try to get some sleep after part 1 of a root canal and a lot of driving. Since my hotel last night wasn’t up to Hilton standards and work frustrated me like it usually doesn’t, today seemed very long, indeed, even if I did enjoy being back at the Dell office.

I just adore an office view (sung to the Green Acres theme song)

But, hey, I got a GOOD car wash and restocked all animal feed on my way back to Cameron. I did get at least something done!

Highlights of My Day

It was the first really pretty day in a long time. I was finally able to ride both horses and it hace to avoid squishy areas.

I can tell the squishy areas held some negativity for Drew from some of his recent escapes. He hesitated and slowed WAY down on the boggiest part of our exercise area. But he was otherwise brave and we went all around the front of our property. He’s come a long way.

I don’t have an Apache photo, so here’s our friendly bunny. It’s not scared of any of us anymore.

Apache and I enjoyed ourselves a lot more nice we stopped doing groundwork. He wasn’t into jumping today. But I think we both enjoyed our practice with our skills and wandering around. We’re all tired of just walking in saddle or on the ground, but I think all the time I spent just hanging out with the horses while it was rainy and muddy paid off. We seem like good buddies who enjoy doing things together.

My three equine friends in their field of flowers.

I think that was my initial horsemanship goal! I guess I really do have to think about cantering, after all.

Achieving Goals

I always thought I’d get my goals achieved when I was young, vital, small, and cute. Nope. I learned a lot then, though, and it prepared me to be very grateful when, with help from others, I do achieve goals in this older, creakier, larger, and plainer phase.

Apache and I have been trying to become good partners and have fun together for many years. I realized we couldn’t get there without help, so as you probably know, we’ve been working with a trainer, Tarrin Warren, whose philosophy of working with horses is compatible with mine. It’s been very hard work, but tons of fun, too.

As a teacher of adults, I appreciate someone who’s good at it. Tarrin is so patient and consistent with people, and she’s training them way more than training their horses! Thanks to her help and lots of practice, I can do this:

Ride my horse alone
Trot on my horse in a controlled way
Tell when my horse is having anxiety symptoms before he gets squirrelly
Give my horse good information about what I want him to do
Ride calmly, so my fears don’t pass on to him

And yesterday, while we were working on improving our skills, I hit a new milestone or two. First, some of the things I’m learning are becoming ingrained and I don’t have to think about them. And second, Apache and I can now go sideways. I finally got the coordination to ask him right and not feel all awkward.

Goal achieved! I feel like I can now get him to move in all the ways. I’ll need to get better, but this was a big milestone. No, I’m not doing advanced dressage, but I can safely ride and communicate with my very patient horse, who I’ve also helped get into good enough shape that he can listen.

So yes, I cried happy tears yesterday and Tarrin said if she had a certificate of achievement to give me, she would. But to hear her say she’s proud of our progress and to see a relaxed and happy Apache were enough for me. Heck, we even made it to the trailer without a meltdown (that took months— the boy hates that trailer).

Meanwhile, Drew is making great progress in his training. My little pony (he’s so small when I ride him after Apache) has been causing Tarrin no problems and progressing right along. He canters for her, and will get better at that! Mostly she is working on building his muscles up to carry a rider after his break.

Then I was surprised to get to ride Drew myself! I had taken off my helmet, but he was a good boy and I was fine. I’d ridden him before but not too well. This time went way better. I ended up trotting and even leg yielding on him! I’m doing way better figuring him out and he’s doing better taking my cues instead of Tarrin’s. I felt competent! Another goal achieved!

I told Tarrin I look huge in those pictures but she reminded me he is small. That’s for sure. When I went to pat his neck to tell him he was good, it felt so skinny compared to Apache. But his mane amazed me. It was parted in the middle like a human and there was enough on each side that it looked full. What a guy.

I don’t even have to train Fiona. She volunteers to get in the trailer

I’m proud of me and my horses. They aren’t fancy and can’t trace their bloodlines to any famous steed, but they sure have good hearts and are willing partners. And I’m chugging along and making progress. I’m glad to have a training partner to guide us so well and at our pace. It takes as long as it takes!

Now to go put on a green tutu. Explanation later!

Horsemanship Goals Achieved, with Fun and Friendship

I wanted to share some of the things I’ve been doing with Drew and Apache over the past few days, in the wake of Drew’s choking incident and me putting in a lot of work with Apache on leadership and partnership. It’s all good, so that’s a huge relief!

Friday I had a late lesson over at Tarrin’s. Apache was not in the mood to go, but he did. I think the horses liked the other trailer better, because it was more open. But, we can’t tow it with the Tahoe, so too bad. Fancy trailer it is. By the time we got there he was all in a lather and everything was all dusty, but by gosh by the time we got to the working area, he was ready to work. Now, the work he did wasn’t his idea of a good time, at first, but he was a real sport about making attempts at jumping over the little jump. It wasn’t any fun for me, since I had to use the broken whip that tries to break my arm, and my arm was already tired from grooming him an hour the day before. He’s quite a good shedder.

But don’t I look good once all that hair is brushed off? I’m shiny!

After I got on him, we both learned a lot in an exercise involving trotting circles and side passing. Since I never thought I’d get that far in my feeble attempts at horsemanship, I was quite pleased to get the chance to work on it. We are both getting the hang of it, and again, Apache is quite the trooper at doing hard things. That way they will become easier!

The best part of the lesson was another test of Apache’s trail willingness. Tarrin walked behind us this time, and I got to practice being calm when he decided to turn around. It all went extremely well and we had a lot of fun. That’s when I spotted the violets in the woods and we forgot all about horse lessons and reveled in a new discovery. Plus, we got to look at all the axis deer in the next pasture over. No one spooked each other. That was cool.

It was such a great feeling to know that at last, he will go where I ask him to, because he trusts me not to send him anywhere scary. Tarrin got these nice photos of us looking all confident and happy together.

As for Drew, I told Tarrin I was concerned about him going so long between meals and not being able to do much in his pen. She told me she’d had a horse choke this week (it’s an epidemic, we think), and that she is feeding her wet food and watching her carefully, but she does have grass to eat. Our grass is still pretty short, so it would be hard for Drew to choke on it, anyway, so I decided he needed to be let out.

Apache is annoyed he doesn’t get the fancy soupy food.

I was also worried about him developing stomach ulcers from being without food, especially since the vet had indicated his tooth grinding was a symptom. Hmm. Well, what a nice coincidence it was that Kathleen had many, many syringes full of ulcer medicine that Mabel hadn’t taken. Drew is all set in that department now, too.

Yes, he is trying to open the gate. It is not like he’s starving.

That boy is eating a LOT and seems in a much better mood now.

All that continued yesterday, when nothing that the other horses were doing bothered him. Other than Apache starting back in on his grass eating, I could not complain. And Drew was so good and sweet. He comes right up for me to give him his Pepto Bismol stuff.

Today was really a big day for me and Apache, though. We went on a trail ride with Sara and Aragorn and I felt no nerves at all during any part of it. We managed to open a gate and at least push it shut. Score! And when I had to dismount to unlock the one with the barbed wire that tries to kill you, I had an easy time getting back on using the gate rails.

It’s pretty out here. And look who isn’t eating grass.

Then we walked and chatted and had a fine time. Apache did try the grass thing, but after whacking him with the saddle strings a couple of times, he got the idea. We went all around the creek, walked over logs, and easily settled when anything got scary. The best thing for me was that we were able to go up the hill to the woods, walk in, turn around when the way was blocked, and go back down calmly. We even went back up and walked up to the gate to our house to say hi to Goldie. Apache was good as he could be, possibly even having fun.

I love Sara’s new helmet brim! It looks so good and keeps her head shaded. I want one!

As you can see, it’s a beautiful day. We had a lot of fun trying new things and seeing what we could do. This was my horsemanship goal, to be able to go out on our property and ride around with my friends without worrying or spending the whole time feeling like I am in a battle. Sure, there will be challenges, and there were some today, but mostly we had fun and so did our hard-working horses, who got a break from cantering and leg yielding.

This is my view from the front porch as I type. No complaints for me. I’m in a time right now where there’s anticipation instead of stress, peace instead of worry, and joy everywhere I look. Even a short period like this in your life is one to treasure. And in these times, it’s especially true.

And oh yes, even the dogs are all mellow and happy. The chickens are all laying. And Fiona is free grazing, her favorite hobby. The Hermits’ Rest is a restful place today.

Achieving Nature Goals

Okay, I have a little something to say. After all that iNaturalist work last weekend, it was this weekend where I met some goals, or desires, or whatever.

While walking around, I remembered to open up a balloon flower to find the seed. My friend Linda Jo was right! They look like little yin-yang symbols!

While we were walking the horses, Sara very patiently let me try to get photos of all the butterflies and moths swarming in the pasture, even when her horse stepped in fire ants.

Everyone’s patience was rewarded, though. I saw a butterfly on the fence. It sat still. I got its picture! It was an American snout, the ones we saw so many of last week! Finally one stood still.

No, not a great photo, but you can see the snout!

After achieving that goal, I felt fine. Then, on my way home, one of the dragonflies I’d been seeing all summer finally stood still. I was really curious what they were called, but they are very dart-y ones.

These always look like two mating to me. I was happy to see what they actually look like. Cool insects, and another goal met.

I looked at my iNaturalist totals and was happy to see I hit 1800 observations today. I’d been disappointed not to get there last week. Luckily, there are lots of interesting things to see on the Wild Type Ranch, where we walked!

I think that’s good for someone who has jobs and stuff. Still, I look forward to lots more in the future. We hope to visit neighboring counties with few observations and see what’s there!

Here I am looking for bugs with my “helper.”

Glad I found my voice. Sometimes I just need to shut up. Hee hee.

Do We NEED to Be Goal Oriented?

Ooh, this is a controversial topic in my family right now. When I first started this blog, I wrote that my main goal was to live in the moment. I’m basically sticking with that one, along with:

Keep learning
Be kind
Like myself just as I am

There. I’m done. My yearly, quarterly, monthly, weekly, and daily goals are right there.

On the other hand…

My Cameron housemates, Lee and Kathleen, are very big on goals. They have fancy goal-monitoring journals that take a long time to set up. The journals help them set their goals for every period of time, and encourage them to evaluate how they are going, whether they are reasonable or not, and whether they need to be changed, due to life or whatever.