fears – The Hermits' Rest

Fears, I’ve Had a Few

What fears have you overcome and how?

Fearful is not how I’d ever describe myself. I feel more like my horse, Apache, who is always vigilant against the unexpected and anxious when asked to do new things. We have a lot in common, he and I, which may explain why our progress is becoming a skilled horse/rider pair has been steady, but slow.

That leads me into one of the fears I’ve been working to overcome, which is the fear of cantering on this horse. I’d probably have been cantering long ago if I had a different equine partner, but Apache is the horse I was kindly given, so he’s who I’ve worked with. And cantering was never his best skill. His tendency to do a kick/buck maneuver whenever he set off to canter when he was younger is one reason my friend Sara gave him to me. She wanted to canter (as a good rider, she knew how) but his imbalance made it scary on him. Heck, he even kicked out to start cantering without a rider for the longest time.

But years of exercise, bodywork, good medicine, and work on his feet led to much improvement. He now sets off very well and only on the wrong lead some of the time. After my trainer worked with him under saddle, he can now do a fine job, and that led me to overcome my fear of cantering on him. Plus I’m way better at staying on when he has a hiccup.

And if I fall I’m just closer to the rain lilies.

A key to overcoming that fear is a skill I’ve only managed to develop in the past few years, which is to push past my anxiety and DO the thing. Riding horses has helped a lot with developing that ability, one many folks are born with. I was born cautious, very cautious. It’s amazing I learned to ride a bicycle. On the other hand, I didn’t break any bones as a child, thanks to caution.

Even this precious dog didn’t break my bones when he pulled me down a steep hill. Precious.

You might not believe this one, but once I was quite afraid to do things by myself. I really didn’t like being alone (other than teen years of being in my bedroom listening to my records). I can remember how proud I was of myself when I walked out of my hotel in Toronto, and ate a meal by myself. It was a whole fish, prepared beautifully, and I had a good time. Working in Toronto for weeks at a time was good for me. I discovered I could ride a subway without a helpful friend, I could have a drink in a bar and enjoy talking to people, etc.

Now I think nothing about eating alone, walking around a new town by myself, or going on long walks in nature. Of course, I’ve educated myself about safety in cities and nature, and I do prefer nature. I know how to spot the plants and animals to avoid. Learning about what you fear is a great way to overcome fears.

On another note, we almost have a screened porch!

I’m glad I can now take a deep breath and just DO a thing. It’s been very helpful in surviving life on a ranch property. I don’t realize how scary my everyday life can be to others until I get an urban visitor. I just know to check for snakes in the henhouse, watch my steps for fire ants, and avoid the poison ivy and nettle patches. I’ve educated myself so I’m not afraid!

Fear Is Scary

What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

First, I couldn’t answer yesterday’s prompt and I was so tired I fell asleep early, so I missed a day. I guess I miss out on the Bloguary prize, of which there isn’t one.

Winner winner, you can’t have my chicken for dinner. Buttercup is probably pretty tough at age four.

Second, I’m not going to write down my actual thing I’m most afraid to do, but here’s one that’s less life-threatening: I’m afraid to canter on Apache. (For you non-horse folks, cantering is the gate faster than trotting and slower than galloping.)

How I imagine I’d look. On the ground, in the distance.

I actually have good reasons. First, Apache has historically been a rough canterer even without anyone on him. He was so unbalanced he needed to literally kick himself into gear. Sara had a hard time with him when she tried, too. And I’ve never cantered on anything (Sara says I cantered on Pardner many years ago, when he thought he was herding cattle but I thought it was just trotting, which I sucked at back then.)

But, we’ve been working so hard with Apache to get straighter, and now he’s able to nicely transition on the ground. And I’m a better rider because I have been working hard, too.

So, what it will it take to get me to canter on Apache? Or Drew? That’s easy. Tarrin is working on my confidence by teaching me skills, and I’m practicing those skills. My confidence level is way higher. I even had fun on Drew on Monday.

Speaking of horse issues, Sara came by with her scary farrier knives and finished digging out Apache’s abscess. Today I did a bit of walking with him and a tiny bit of trotting. He told me when he was done, then we just walked around. He’s also taking his meds like a man using the syringe method.

Poor Apache has horrible long hair from his condition, and it was warm today. He’d probably prefer it to be cooler again. I hope he starts shedding soon.

Drew is shedding, though. But. We’ve had a rough couple of days with his sudden sensitivity on his flanks. Yesterday I lunged him, and he kept snaking in at me. I persisted until he yanked the rope out of my hands, bucked, and ran out of the round pen. He then stopped and waited for me. I got the message. After that, he was friendly and not at all nippy.

Today he started out nippy, but did better being lunged. He seems uncomfortable still, but let me pet his tummy area on both sides. I’ve given him some ulcer stuff and got his feeding routine back to normal, in case eating with the other horses when it was so muddy bothered him.

All I can do is try to help, I guess. I’m grateful for the opportunity to have the horses, the chickens, and the land to enjoy.

Honestly, I’ve been feeling good and trying to savor the fine weather and beauty I see everywhere. It’s the best I can do. Who needs to let fear scare you into not enjoying you life and challenges?

A Lifetime Milestone, and Why It Matters

Yesterday, I achieved a milestone that was a long time coming. In fact, it was one of my “life goals” since I was a small child, and something I never thought I’d be able to do. On the surface, going over to the barn, saddling up my horse, and going for a nice ride doesn’t sound like a big deal. But it was. A huge deal. The amount of personal growth, courage, emotional maturity, and understanding of another living being required to get to this milestone was huge, and I’m just going to say it – I’m really proud of myself.

I’ve been riding Apache for a good number of years now, at least five. One of my life’s dreams came true when Sara generously gave me Apache (and his expenses, ha ha) when she realized that his health challenges meant he’d never be the hard-driving athlete she needed to fulfil her own dreams. It was obvious that I loved that generously rounded horse, regardless of his rideability, and I’d be just fine hanging out with him and doing things on the ground, if it came to that. It also helped that he seemed fond of me, too.

We took some Parelli lessons (a natural horsemanship style) back when I had money to do that kind of thing, and we got a pretty good foundation from it, though being in crowds with people barking orders at us made both of us nervous. That is an important insight.

I’m the happiest horse on the ranch. My human and I make a great team.

Since then, we have worked at our own pace, getting better at various horse/human activities, and understanding each other more and more. I am sort of glad I didn’t have the money for more lessons, because it was good to work things out on my own, with Sara providing guidance. The progress was slowed down by the fact that Apache has metabolic issues, so sometimes his feet hurt and I can’t ride him…like much of last year, right when we’d been making really good progress going out in the ranch with Sara and Spice, exploring. I learned that Apache is as curious as I am about seeing new things, as long as he can take his time.

Leave Me Alone, Nighttime Patriarchy!

You know how your childhood issues, fears, and old patterns haunt you no matter how hard you try to move past them? (If you don’t, wow, you’re one exceptional human.) That’s certainly a struggle I’ve dealt with my whole life, or at least since I’ve realized you actually might be able to move past such things.

Spiders aren’t my childhood fear, but they make a good representation for scary things

I’ve made great progress in recent years with a lot of my “issues” (thanks to my fine therapist and Brene Brown books). I no longer blame everything that goes wrong in my life on my own shortcomings. I no longer hesitate to speak up when someone in authority makes a proclamation or judges someone in a way I know is wrong. I care much, much less about whether my personal appearance pleases anyone but me…and so on.

I’ve talked about it before, how I’ve managed to get the negative voices in my head to shut the heck up and say nice stuff instead (“Great work, me,” says my internal voice).

Pages: 12