First: I’m so tired I am a little woozy and my whole body hurts. Why? No horse tumble! A combination of too much activity, poor form in entering a Jeep Wrangler (wrenched my back) and too much heat (and I just realized the air quality is bad due to Mexican fires).
Carlton got so tired from being glad to see us that he fell asleep on his beloved bone.
Second: though born and raised in the heat and humid of Florida, I never dealt well with heat. I didn’t sweat well, so I tended to get overheated and pass out. I ended up sorta enjoying the Illinois winters while I was there, and now I even choose to vacation in winter where it snows. (I do not like ice, ice storms, and feeding horses in almost sub-zero weather, however.)
Perhaps this day was too cold.
As for my day, I had a great morning hike between meetings and heard two new life birds, both warblers (America Redstart and Prothonotary Warbler). And thanks to keen observers who know my interests, I got to see a banded water snake in person and photos.
This one was near the dump stationNote stripes on its chin., a sign it isn’t venomous. This one Mike saw by his campsiteCloser
We’re glad to be home, though both Lee and I immediately did a lot of ranch chores upon arrival, which is why I got overheated. Lots of chicken and horse work had to be done, since it turns out, due to unforeseen circumstances, none got fed or medicated.
It turned the spotted ones into statues
Plus, the farrier came, so everyone had to be rounded up and dealt with. I’m happy with Drew’s behavior, though. Biting attempts were dealt with and he was great after that. Bonus: my new riding helmets arrived, and I’m excited to use them!
I’d hoped it would show up better, but Dusty has a mane now!
Think of us Texans as the lovely cool spring fades into memory and the months of Hades begin.
Oops. I’ve been pushing myself too much. Working long hours followed by caring for 6 horses followed by evening meetings…and in between trying to be helpful to others. I’m wiped out.
I did go out for a half hour today. I saw lots of birds and heard more.
My poop-scooping arm is about to give out, which is really kind of funny. I’m taking a break for a few days and am scaling back my weekend plans. I need to listen to my body and mind, both of which are screaming about fatigue. Yuck.
That’s a warbler. Best I could do.
I guess this is just part of my normal cycle. Too much caretaking and being patient has hit me in the head. I am just exhausted.
How prickly do I feel? Like this mesquite.
HOWEVER. I am encouraged to keep going at work by kind people today who told me how grateful they are that I’m there to help them 2-3 hours a day and make them all sorts of professional-looking handouts. One guy said, “They’re so readable and clear!” Hooray for everyone who trained me, I guess!
Hey, it’s an anemone.
Yep, people have no idea how their little bits of encouragement can keep others going, even when they’re tired. Think about that when someone helps you out—letting them know you notice their efforts could be just what they need to keep moving after they run into a figurative wall.
This was written sort of without editing. I’m glad I have a place to mull over my thoughts, even ones I will find silly tomorrow after some sleep.
Suna the self absorbed (yet another put-down label; maybe that should be introspective)
I’ve been thinking and thinking about a meme I saw earlier this week. It’s one of those things that’s intended to empower and embolden women in the workplace and beyond. I used to take those things to heart and work hard to be my authentic self.
Authentic me, pondering.
I added: Negative: Keep pointing out problems.
I grew up being told to be quiet, that children should be seen and not heard. I was labeled bossy, a lot, for being assertive. I asked way to many questions. When there was an elephant in a room, I pointed it out. These were not good. I was difficult.
Also, I was empathetic, tried to help others, and didn’t mind sharing credit. I asked things politely rather than barking out orders, and didn’t mind at all explaining why I wanted things done a certain way. I felt like that got buy-in and created cohesive teams. That was good, I think.
It can truly be exhausting to have to pretend you are someone you’re not in order to keep a job, keep the peace, keep your reputation, etc. And whoa, have I done a lot of all those things in the past few years. I’ve been constantly checking my Zoom camera to be sure I’m smiling and looking pleasant in meetings. I’ve deleted and rewritten so many emails, chat posts, Facebook statuses, and so on. I do pretty well most of the time.
But, damn, when you are suffering from anxiety and dealing with a lot of difficult family and work situations, you can let your real self leak out without meaning to. You can express an actual opinion, point out something that’s not right, ask if something is true or the best thing to do, use the wrong tone of voice (guilty as charged)…you know, all those things that get you labeled like the ones that are in that meme.
Can we, as women, who are expected to smooth things over, agree with what the leaders say, follow instructions rather than making rules, and all those frustrating unspoken expectations, ever, actually be ourselves? What if yourself is sarcastic? What if yourself gets tired of inefficiency? What if yourself gets irritated when told to just follow orders when you’re used to helping make decisions? (Or if you are my male spouse, your real self is tired of being told not to be so brusque. They have their own sets of expectations.)
Nope, we can’t be those selves. We have to spend years in therapy, reading self-help books, and getting sanctimonious “coaching” from our bosses, so we can meekly fit in, and only speak up when it’s time to do what we are asked to do.
The dogs don’t even try to be fake.
So, no, I do not plan to act on the meme above. I give up. I think it’s just as stressful and unproductive to let my more prickly nature show as to try to smooth my nature out to meet expectations. I’ve thought about this a lot. I’m not going to make waves, express my opinions, or debate in work or public.
I’ll be me with my inner circle, and just do what I have to do to get by with others. I’ll make a bad impression to some and a good impression to others and it won’t matter at all, in the long run. The key is that I won’t be stressing myself out either trying to conform or trying to be my fierce self. No wonder both Lee and I are plumb tired. We’re tired of trying to matter.
I’m tired of being tired. The price of authenticity is just too high for me.
The Hermits' Rest 