failure – The Hermits' Rest

Consequences of the Cold

The recent cold spell has taken a lot out of me. Combined with mourning from losing Goldie and being sad that the Red House on Fannin got rented out, I’ve been not much fun. I’m glad we will get income from the house, but it was fun fixing it up to be the Airbnb. Another failed enterprise. We’re racking them up.

In good news, I unpacked these pretty things from boxes we’d stored at the Red House.

I’m not going to be a part of any more joint ventures with friends and family from now on. Hold me to that. I really stink at such things, and sitting inside in the cold gave me too much time to dwell on past mistakes, knowing perfectly well that beating myself up over past errors and regrets in judgement is not productive. Learn from mistakes and move on, I’ve been repeating that.

I also found my really good bowls and gave away many things to my son and his coworkers. That felt good.

The cold was hard on the birds I usually hang out with, too. For two days in a row I only observed a few birds on Merlin. Yesterday, it saddened me to find one of the male Barn Swallow scouts had died on the porch. I put it safely to rest and then washed my hands a lot in case he had bird flu.

The chickens and Connie made it through the cold snap by staying in their house. They didn’t stop laying eggs, though. Today they were back to normal outdoor activities and Connie finally laid a big ole turkey egg. Here it is compared to her first egg (I saved it).

Today it finally warmed up and I was able to spend my usual amount of time outside. It made a big difference, since I started the day really dragging and ended up with stories to tell Lee.

All the chairs now have cushions, making for good patio time.

I was able to pull some burs off the equines and do more than stick food under their noses and flee. That pleased everyone but Drew, who just isn’t in a good space.

Since I was out a lot, I got to hear and see fun bird action. The Barred Owl was hooting much of the day, which is always fun. There were ducks flying around, too, at least three kinds. Of course, the sparrows, chickadees, and Cardinals entertained a lot. They all seemed glad it warmed up.

I was walking along the fence line listening to a Red-tailed Hawk making some of its weird calls when something white bounced off my head. I looked up to see all the mistletoe above me was full of round, white berries.

Did one just fall on me? No. It quickly became obvious that one of the Mockingbirds had dropped it. It hopped over to the fence then into the bush next to me, scolding me with mistletoe still in its beak. I understood that I was on his territory (must be a male, because he’d been singing earlier) and retreated with a smile on my face.

Hooray. I need my bird observation and horse time to keep me out of my funks and remind me about that living in the moment thing I’m supposed to be aiming for. Darn those polar vortexes.

Hard Decisions That Turn Out OK

What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?

You ask that, do you? I agonized a very this for about three years, during which time my mother passed away followed immediately by a breakup with the love of my life that was all my fault, followed by a serious of incredibly stupid relationship decisions and total failure at my career path. 1984-87 really stunk.

Here comes the brutal honesty for which I’m noted, for better or worse.

I’d say this was the period in my life when I realized that, no, I wasn’t the brilliant, nice, ethically consistent person I thought I was. That’s hard. I realized just how mentally screwed up I was in my drive to be perfect and that I was an emotional vampire who confused sex with love. Everyone has to realize they’re imperfect eventually (if they’re honest with themselves).

Worse, I ended up unable to stomach being an academic with all the drama, pressure, and competition. It just wasn’t what I’d hoped it was and I wasn’t actually very good at it.

So I decided to leave my career path and all the people I cared about at the university and do something else. I felt like a failure and that I’d let my family and friends down. That was hard. Acknowledging my inadequacy was hard. Admitting I was a bad partner was hard. Owning up to my anxiety and past trauma was very hard.

But no one really cared very much about my inner turmoil. They just wanted to see me stable, happier, and more positive. I ended up free of expectations and obligations and could move forward to use all I’d learned in a perfectly good career. I learned to love in a positive way. It was OK.

Oh look I’m crocheting something. It’s a hot pad in thermal stitch.

I make decisions much faster now. I’ve learned that whatever I do will be fine. I’ll learn the lessons I need to learn and keep putting one foot ahead of the other. Today is what matters and I want more peaceful, fulfilling days than stressful ones.

Daily Bird

I enjoyed a group of Harris’s sparrows today. I realize I’ve featured a lot of sparrows but we have eight kinds here! I heard these guys by the brush pile this morning, which pleased me because there was so much traffic on our road due to an accident that it was hard to hear birds in front of the house.

Harris’s sparrows make a less melodic sound than some of the others, more like very loud, low barks. It’s hard to decide how to describe it. But they were chatty and friendly today.

A pair of them started out in the honey locust, then got on the ground quite close to me, so I could easily see their interesting black head and chest markings. They’re the most distinctive ones, for sure.

By the way, the house wren and Carolina wren are loudly lobbying to be featured, so I’ll get something else soon. In the other hand, I’ve seen Mexican eagles (caracaras) doing mating dances in the sky twice this week. They do some loud wing flapping! So, they’re candidates. More to come.

Will I Ever Get the Partnership Thing Down?

I’m not referring to my spouse. We’re pretty good, even when we’re grumpy. I’m talking about the horses, yet again, mainly Apache. How many years have I been trying to get the whole leadership thing down with him? Six, eight? A long time.

He’s pretty, though. Here he was pretending not to realize I had a halter in my hand.

Oh, we’re making plenty of progress, for sure. I’m a better rider and he’s a better horse in so many ways, thanks to our lessons. And it hasn’t even been a year yet since we started back up learning from others. Breaking bad habits takes a long time.

He’s in good shape and gets along well with others, such as T. Drew is just glad they let him stand near them.

I’m just hard on myself, as any of you who know me in person would confirm. So, when Apache completely fell apart over at Sara’s on Friday and put us both in danger, I blamed a lack of leadership skill on my part. Why didn’t I widen the reins more, relax my legs more, bang my leg harder?

The horse, on the other hand, was back in his old home pasture, near his favorite horse friend (Spice, Sara’s retired previous main horse), and not interested in Suna at all. He was also not noticing the new fencing going in, nor the open holes for fence posts. I knew Tarrin would want me to keep working with him, but I also know she wouldn’t want us in danger, so I got off.

Here at our ranch, Apache loves T. Don’t tell him she’s leaving soon. Luckily he also likes Mabel.

Once I was safe and over being annoyed, we decided to walk back, with Sara riding along. It was good for Aragorn, who is also having his own interesting issues. It’s always something!

What’s weird is that Apache acted all rude and pushy, plus refused to back up (which he’d been doing in the saddle, too, for unknown reasons). But the moment we got past the cattle guard and headed home, he relaxed, slowed down, and walked at my side like an equine gentleman. We stopped to talk by our gate, and he stood quietly at my side, not even trying to eat when Aragorn did. Huh.

I’m just here eating my moist food. I’m gaining weight!

Today I went out again. This time I groomed Apache by the tack room, not the new trailer. He seems to not like the trailer, intensely. That at least started us out calmer. And I have to say, he did great at all his schooling stuff, even leg yielding. He jumped, too, in his way. It needs work.

We rode through the front field, too, turning and not heading back immediately. If I had stopped there, I’d have had a good day to make up for Friday. But, I wanted to go in the small paddock to do more leg yields. That required us to pass these horses’ asses.

All Apache wanted from then on was to go to them. He repeatedly tried to go in the pens, out the gate he came in, or anywhere except where I asked him to go. He got pretty insistent and started hopping. I had no urge to get bucked off into a fence pole or pen. I got off.

Vlassic wondered if Apache “won” and screwed up the relationship again.

I promptly converted his reins to a lead rope and marched him off for ten minutes of ground work. Whee. I hope he enjoyed the figure 8 at a trot, the serpentine, and the repeated stopping and backing up. At least he backed up a few steps. He got to go back in the pasture only after the other horses had headed out to graze. Well, I try.

Drew also tries to make friends with the other horses.

I’m just so grateful for Drew. We had a very nice session and worked on all his skills. He followed all my gait changes (I got in a fine workout with all the trotting on lead line). He practiced standing by the mounting block. Ah. And we just had a nice, long walk and chat together. He’s a joy to work with and I credit those months of training!

Back a few steps, I guess, but I’ll get there. I’m not a failure even when I feel like it. Just a work in progress, trying, failing, and trying again.

How to Be a Superhero, or Not

Those of you who are my friends on Facebook may notice that I don’t share very many memes, but when I do, they tend to be from the Tiny Buddha page. Tiny Buddha was founded by Lori Deschene in 2009, and has always been a favorite source of content that is both uplifting and insightful. The content they share is always relevant and thoughtful, unlike a lot of meme sources that I don’t particularly enjoy.

Today’s meme that was shared is one of those little ideas that spark some contemplation in me. That usually means I have to go for a walk around the office to think, but since I’m working from home today, I walked the dogs and thought, using the rest of my lunch break to write. (Now you know how I do all this…I fit things into small blocks of time and type fast.)

How I felt as a kid. Image from *@rfgjune1968 via Twenty20*

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be Supergirl. I wanted to save many planets, bring people in danger to safety, and be invulnerable to attack. In fact, I still like Supergirl, since she’s a superhero with a big heart and a little bit of self-doubt on occasion. I think, in reality, my goal was to do something big with my life, not just hide in the shadows and watch the world go by.

Hmm

The above paragraph does explain a lot about me. I wanted to be relevant, meaningful, and accomplished (in what I do not know, but I think it involved typing fast, for sure).

Of course, time passes and goals slip away. I didn’t do as well as I’d hoped in my first career choice, thanks to a relationship or two that went bad (mistakes were made and mostly by me) and made me want to flee. I got lost for a while. I floundered. Then I crawled out of a hole, and one reason was that I stopped wallowing in my failures and found ways where I could help others.

Like Persephone, I found reasons to climb out of the underworld. (So dramatic, Suna!) Image by *@BridgesBridgesBridges via Twenty20*

No matter what’s gone on in my life since I caught my second wind, I’ve been proud to be able to help others, contribute to important causes, and make people’s lives better (helping mothers with breastfeeding and parenting, along with teaching so many people to knit and crochet may be what I am proudest of). Does that make me a superhero? No, probably not.

I haven’t physically fought bad guys, brought down corporate evil-doers, or written a book that saves lives. But, I can see that I made a positive difference in people’s lives by bringing them happiness, joy, or a sense of accomplishment. As someone recently pointed out, I always seem to be teaching someone something (that may explain the Master Naturalist thing).

You never know what YOU might do that constitutes being a hero. Maybe you listen to a friend in need. Maybe you can share a passion for animals or plants. Maybe you find a way to volunteer. Maybe your kindness to grocery store clerks makes their days better.

Mandi presented her own kids with tech awards. They both also work hard, for very little recognition. But I see!

Somehow, this all raises my spirits. I can think of people I know and what their “superhero” traits are, and my heart fills with admiration. Mandi mentors both adults and children in community theater, with no reward sought (I was proud she got acknowledged at last weekend’s children’s theater award banquet, though).

My friends Carolyn and Georgia constantly raise my awareness of social and political needs and actions I can take. My sister shares beautiful animals she finds on the Internet. My husband mentors people who want to learn about running businesses, even when he isn’t trying. Facebook friends and fellow bloggers open their hearts and make me feel both smarter and more connected. On and on.

Allow me to share some beauty. This little plant blooms twice a year! That makes it a superhero!

You don’t need to be a superhero. Just be you. It matters.