Admission: I’m not feeling too great today, and this UU Lent prompt, forgiveness, didn’t help. I shall now indulge in some wallowing in self pity. You know, sometimes you just have to do it for a while, pick yourself up, and get going again. I promise, I’ll get going again. So forgive this post. I just need to say it.
With the pandemic going on, it’s just killing me that forgiveness hasn’t happened in important parts of my life. Mostly, I just want to tell Kynan that if he did anything that led him to disappear from my life, I will forgive it, because I love him. And I so dearly want to be able to ask his forgiveness for anything I did that led him to desert his mother.
I tried really hard to be a good parent. Obviously I wasn’t perfect, because there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. I know I gave them too many presents, because I’m totally clear now that my love language is gifts. Oops. That’s okay, all the kids left most of the things I gave them at home when they moved out <insert smiley face>.
So today, I officially ask forgiveness of my kids, people who I felt maternal toward, and anyone who I may have hurt when they were young and vulnerable.
I also want everyone who’s hurt me that I forgive them. People mess up. People get angry and do things they wouldn’t normally do. Mental illness can color people’s interpretations of others’ motives and actions, and I know that. If I love you, I love you, warts and all. Even if I don’t forget things that happen, I can forgive you and accept you.
That was all really hard to write. Today I’m still reeling from some terrible dreams I had about Kynan a couple of nights ago. He was there, which felt great, but he kept reminding me we’re really apart. At one point, he rejected an outreached hand and said, “You know, we never really did like each other.”
No, son. I adored you and thought you were the most amazing creature on earth. I only want happiness, growth, and love for you.
Hey, I know I’m not alone. Estrangements are more common than I once realized, and I am sending virtual hugs out to anyone going through this along with me. I’d just like to know why I’m estranged, but until then, I’ll go on living and hope to heck I get to see my children and all my loved ones again, and that we all make it through this disease.
Forgive someone. Forgive me. Life’s short.
End of self-indulgent wallowing. Supportive comments will be appreciated.
Estrangement is so awful. We are still praying we will see our first grandsons (Brian’s late son’s boys) one day soon. I hope and pray that you and Kynan will find each other again.
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Thank you, my dear friend.
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Just wanted you to know, Suna, that I understand. My heart hurts for you and cyber hugs are flying your way from SA..
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Thank you, dear friend.
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I’m feeling your hurt reading this and so sorry you’re estranged and don’t know why. I’ve been through it too and it feels so terrible. Probably one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to endure. I haven’t lost a child through death but it felt as though I had. I was discarded. It broke my heart. There have since been some small recoveries, but it seems like an unfamiliar path. I hope things heal for you.
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Thank you!
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I’m very sorry that you are estranged from your son. Sending love and hugs your way. I wish I could fix it for you.
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Thank you for sharing and being so open. I totally understand. Have been there and I’m kind of there now. Sending you love, light, and lots of hugs.
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Gosh, I’m sorry you’re dealing with it, too.
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